Shooter (2007)

Synopsis: Deep State fucks with the wrooooooooooong guy. [Come to think of it, that sounds a bit like the Synopsis for The Domino Principle] 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Get ready for edge-of-your-seat thrills as Mark Wahlberg ignites the screen in his most compelling role yet: the Shooter.” [Yes, this sucker once retailed for the low, low price of only $14.99]

What Did I Learn?: 1) Tennessee is the patron state of “shootin’ stuff.” 2) “There are no sides. There’s no Sunnis and Shiites. There’s not Democrats and Republicans. There’s only HAVES and Have NOTS.” (Wait - didn’t Ned Beatty deliver some eerily similar words in Network?) 3) Nothing, no matter how horrible, ever really happens without the approval of the government. 4) The hassle with democracy is there’s always some confused soul who believes one man can make a difference and you have to kill him to convince him otherwise. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that shooters are nothing but trouble.

Really?: 1) I realize Bob Lee Swagger (Wahlberg) is an ex-military guy in top physical shape, but I had a bit of trouble believing he could have accomplished even a fraction of what he did with a bleeding bullet wound. 2) Hold on - Swagger and his partner are actually betrayed by their own government during a top-secret mission in Ethiopia, and the Deep State goons seriously think he’ll agree to work with them again? 3) So, the goons capture FBI dude Nick Memphis, beat the crap out of him, and then attempt to finesse his murder so it looks like a suicide? 4) Gee, aren’t there any easier ways of icing the archbishop than waiting for him to make a speech when he's standing next to the President of the United States? 

Rating: Shooter is an enjoyable, if somewhat predictable, unoriginal and highly contrived thriller (See: “Synopsis,” “What Did I Learn?” And “Really?”). Strangely, the film tries to present itself as edgy and political, but it’s really just a big shoot-em-up. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0822854/?ref_=nv_sr_2

London Boulevard (2010)

I could have used this for my tribute to British Gangster movies in 2014. 

Synopsis: Dangerous dude is released from prison, falls for a woman who’s way out of his league, discovers his best buddy is nothing but trouble, battles powerful crime boss, and gets bumped off by a minor-league scumbag he should have iced weeks earlier. So, it’s basically Carlito’s Way with cockney accents.  

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Not every criminal wants to be one.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The most powerful fucking thing is to know what can go wrong…for anybody, at any fucking time. 2) You’re not allowed to do more than one thing. 3) Work’s what you do when you’d rather be doing something else. 4) A woman’s job in a film is to get the hero to talk about himself - about his hopes, his fears, maybe even about his fascinating, fucking childhood.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy cruising along a London boulevard. 

Really?: 1) So, Mitchel (Colin Farrell) has an alcoholic sister who’s dating a nice doctor, and his old buddy the homeless guy was recently murdered, there’s some creepy dude stalking his girlfriend, and a disgraced physician wants to pick up some of his belongings from Mitchel’s pad….holy shit, how many underdeveloped characters and subplots does this movie include? 2) Doesn’t Gant (Ray Winstone) have better things to do than harass Mitchel into going to work for him, and then attempting to kill him when he refuses? I didn’t really buy that storyline. 

Rating: London Boulevard is a slow-moving and rather ho-hum crime drama that features a number of very good performances (Farrell shares some tense scenes with Ray Winstone, and I was especially impressed by Ben Chaplin as Farrell’s sidekick Billy), but otherwise suffers from cliched, underdeveloped and unoriginal script (see: "Synopsis" and "What Did I Learn?"). 6/10 stars 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1213648/?ref_=rvi_tt

Best and Worst (2018)

The Best Movies I reviewed in 2018 (10/10 stars, or 9/10 stars):

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

The Hurt Locker

The Alamo

The Company Men

Leaves of Grass

Scarecrow

The Italian Job (1969 version)

Cast Away

The ‘Burbs

Jackknife 

The Professionals

Cactus Flower

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three 

Flags of Our Fathers

Trees Lounge

The Big Red One

The Worst Movies I reviewed in 2018 (fewer than 5 stars): 

Hostage

Deal 

Brick

Ladder 49

The Delta Force

Death Before Dishonor

The Expendables 

Get Carter

Author! Author! 

M*A*S*H 

Please click the links to read my Best and Worst lists for 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012 and 2011. 

Double Whammy (2001)

Synopsis: Dennis Leary mugs his way through 93-minute underdeveloped cop comedy that’s basically a pilot for his 2001-2002 series, The Job. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “A comedy abut a detective with everything…but a clue.” 

What Did I Learn?: If a couple of weird guys who always wear red suits ask you to sit in a chair so they can tie you up in order to discuss torture scenarios for a screenplay, just say “no thanks.” 2) Chiropractic medicine has been recognized by the medical community since 1963. 3) White hipsters don’t react well when they’re accused of harbouring subconscious racist thoughts. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You took a look at the DVD case, and you're convinced that Leary, Elizabeth Hurley and Steve Buscemi all guest-starred on Press Your Luck. 

Really?: 1) So, Dimitri (Chris Noth in a send-up of his Law and Order role) realizes Maribel must have had some connection to the two killers, and….nothing? There’s no follow-up to this realization aside from Maribel crying at her father’s bedside? 2) Was there any point behind Jerry (Buscemi) telling Ray (Leary) that he recently checked out his ass? This revelation is mentioned, and never developed further. 

Rating: For a film that features Leary, Buscemi and Hurley, Double Whammy often looks and feels like a low-budget straight-to-video cop comedy. The script is wildly uneven, and loaded with undeveloped storylines and characters (See: “Really”), but I liked the chemistry between Leary and Hurley and Double Whammy isn’t bad for an evening’s entertainment. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250347/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Kuffs (1992)

I could have used this for my tribute to revenge-themed movies. 

Synopsis: Ne’er do well stirs up trouble when he launches an investigation into his brother’s recent murder….wait, didn’t I just review Get Carter? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When you have attitude who needs experience?”

What Did I Learn?: 1) “Love and kisses on all your pink parts” is NOT an acceptable message for a greeting card. 2) Without women, there would be no civilization. 3) Harold Faltermeyer apparently ran out of creative musical ideas after he scored Beverly Hills Cop. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch anything that features Bruce Boxleitner. 

Really?: 1) So, the villain isn’t really into grabbing real estate at a discount, he’s really into art theft, and he wants the rent-a-cops to look the other way? Or is he into both? This isn’t made clear. 2) Is there any reason Maya Carlton (Milla Jovovich) has an Eastern European accent while her parents are wealthy WASPs or are we supposed to overlook that fact? 3) I’m shocked that Ted didn’t bite the dust (or press charges against George for poisoning him) after he drank that coffee laced with a LOT of tranquilizers. 4) Funny how George (Slater) is required to attend the police academy every day while he manages the patrol-special shop, yet aside from one scene of him running along the beach with his colleagues, this is never again mentioned. When does he actually sleep? 

Rating: I hadn’t seen Kuffs since I first watched it in 1992, so I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect when I popped the VHS tape into my machine. Overall, Kuffs is a fun action-comedy that doesn’t always make sense (see: “Really?”), but never takes itself too seriously, either. Check it out if you’ve ever wondered how Slater would handle the role of Axel Foley, or if you really want to enjoy a few minutes of Jovovich dancing in her underwear. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104647/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Horrible Bosses (2011)

Happy New Year! 

Synopsis: Jennifer Anniston interacts with three young men who hate their jobs so much they develop a plot for revenge…no, that’s the Synopsis for Office Space. Um….Kevin Spacey portrays a psychopathically nasty boss who provokes his assistant into a homicidal rage…no, that’s Swimming With Sharks. Um… three loveable idiots (straight man, fun-loving horndog, and batshit crazy weirdo) get into a lot of trouble after drinks one night…no, that’s The Hangover. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “For Nick (Jason Bateman), Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) and Dale (Charlie Day), the only thing that would make the daily grind more tolerable would be to grind their intolerable bosses into dust.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting a few band-aids on your nipples. 2 ) You don’t put a playground next to a bar. 3) No one’s going to pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah. 4) There’s no law on the books against putting people’s toiletries up your ass. 5) The secret to success in the corporate world is the ability to take lots and lots of shit. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've worked for a horrible boss. 

Really?: 1) Horrible Bosses is a screwball comedy that isn’t meant to be taken too seriously, but I had a few problems with the climax – wouldn’t the cops discover the gun was registered to Harken (Spacey), he has gunpowder on his hands, and the bullet in his leg was fired at point-blank range? 2) So, Nick has worked for Harken for what….seven or eight years? Wouldn’t he have sensed much earlier that Harken is a lying SOB who will never promote him, and sent out a few resumes along the way? 

Rating: I wanted to like Horrible Bosses a bit more than I did; Spacey is great as the bane of Bateman’s existence, and the film delivers a few genuinely funny scenes, but I couldn’t help myself from thinking I had seen much of this before (see: “Synopsis”), or that the writers who penned this script and the principal leads were trying too hard for laughs - very little of the dialogue seemed natural or believable. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1499658/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Get Carter (2000)

This would have been perfect for my tribute to revenge-themed movies. 

Synopsis: Formulaic re-make of a Michael Caine classic…oh, sorry, that’s the Synopsis for The Italian Job. Um…. Cynical tough-guy visits strange town to investigate death of somebody close….no, that’s Beverly Hills Cop. Um….Stallone sleepwalks his way through less-than-inspired revenge thriller….no, that’s Avenging Angelo. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The truth hurts.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Revenge doesn’t work. 2) If you don’t take care of business, the business will take care of you. 3) Nobody likes the list guy. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're really out to get Carter. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, aren’t there any cops in Seattle? Carter beats Cyrus (Mickey Rourke) to death in front of several dozen witnesses, gets into at least two extreme car chases, and sneaks into a crime scene, and we never so much as see a squad car. 2) So, Carter’s mob employer in Vegas can’t spare him for even a few days? The original provided a convincing reason for Carter’s (Caine) strained relationship with his boss, but this one seems a bit contrived. 

Rating: Get Carter is a surprisingly dull reboot of the far-superior original film with the same title (which I'm aiming to review in 2019 if I can obtain a copy). I wanted to like the reboot, but it’s extremely slow-moving, and Stallone doesn’t give us many reasons to give a crap about his character. I can’t recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Maybe - take a drink any time you find yourself asking: “where are the police?”

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0208988/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales (2002)

Merry Christmas! 

Synopsis: It’s 18 minutes of a wishy-washy round-headed kid tolerating obnoxious and narcissistic peers and a delusional dog. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Ready, set, glow as the Peanuts Gang gets into the spirit of the season!" 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Jezebel was the evil wife of King Ahab in the Old Testament. 2) Linus is NOT Sally’s sweet babboo. 3) The Bible says nothing about giving Christmas presents, and you can’t bluff an old theologian. 4) It’s not a good idea to discuss Samantha Claus in grade school. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the market for insurance.

Really?: Don’t these kids have parents? Why is it up to Sally to obtain a Christmas tree for the home? And how did that tree fall over entirely on its own just seconds after Sally’s antagonist sets that strangely coincidental condition? 

Rating: Charlie Brown’s Christmas Tales was created as an add-on so TV stations could air A Charlie Brown Christmas uninterrupted by commercials during an hour-long block of time, and it feels like filler material; the voice-overs are awful, and there’s no story – just a series of vignettes that may have worked in comic strips but fall flat as animation. Check it out only if you’re a die-hard Peanuts fan. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0382602/?ref_=rvi_tt

Author! Author! (1982)

I could have used this for my tribute to Al Pacino in 2012. 

Synopsis: Awful! Awful! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "When Al Pacino takes on Broadway, his kids take over his life." 

What Did I Learn?: Larry Kotzwinkle’s not a man, he’s a duck. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know the best strategy for writing a successful play is to become totally wrapped up in your personal problems and continually blow off everyone involved in its production. 

Really?: 1) A few questions: what’s Ivan’s play all about, what’s the problem with the second act, and how did he fix it? I think the viewing audience deserves some answers. 2) Funny how Ivan is a playwright and Gloria is an ESL teacher – they’re New York intellectuals – and lots of other intellectuals like Norman Mailer are name-dropped repeatedly, yet nobody ever discusses literature, the arts or ideas. 3) So, big events in the Travalian household by making a big cake and throwing it at Ivan?! WTF? 4) Hold on, a couple of cops order Ivan to hand over his runaway stepdaughters, and he responds by running away with them and barricading themselves on the roof? I’m shocked he wasn’t charged with obstruction of justice, at the very least. 5) Hey, what happened to Ivan’s curly new haircut? 

Rating: Hoo-wee, Author! Author! is a bad film. I was expecting a light, character-driven drama with some comedic elements, but wound up watching Pacino behave like a loud New York version of Mr. Rogers with a bunch of precocious brats. Author! Author! veers uneasily from slapstick humour to Kramer vs. Kramer-style relationship drama – some of it works (I liked the scene near the end when Ivan tells off his selfish wife for abandoning a string of husbands and her kids), but much of it doesn’t. I can’t recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: No, but take a drink any time Ivan, Morris (Bob Dishy) or Kreplich (Alan King) shout unnecessarily. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083598/?ref_=rvi_tt

Puerto Vallarta Squeeze (2004)

Synopsis: Professional killer befriends bickering couple….no, that’s the Synopsis for The Matador. Um…  Run-of-the-mill road trip turns into harrowing adventure… no, that’s National Lampoon’s Vacation. Um…  Tough guy steals wormy dude’s girlfriend during trip to Mexico…no, that’s Against All Odds. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Danger lies beyond the border." 

What Did I Learn?: You can apparently purchase a caged ocelot in rural Mexico for the princely sum of $3000. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you assume it's a tutorial for making top-quality margaritas. 

Really?: 1) So, Scott Glenn and Harvey Keitel get top billing in this film (even though Craig Wasson’s Danny is arguably the protagonist, but never mind that), and they don’t share a single scene together – just a phone call? 2) I realize Danny is bummed out about losing Maria, but isn’t he basically on the verge of getting evicted from his fleabag apartment? Why would he blow his entire wad of cash to free a caged wild cat? 3) Speaking of Danny, does anyone else think the film takes a wildly wrong turn at the mid-point when he loses about 80 IQ points and starts doing inexplicably dumb things like yell at Clayton in a crowded restaurant or speed down a Mexican road in a car filled with dead bodies? I was expecting him to man up, realize he loves Maria and get his shit together. 4) I had a bit of trouble believing the entire premise of the film… Danny thinks it might have been Clayton who shot those men in cold blood, but he agrees to drive him to the border anyway? And it’s nice that Clayton decides to let Danny and Maria live, but does he really need their car for his escape? If so, couldn’t he have stolen it without much effort? 

Rating: Puerto Vallarta Squeeze is a somewhat-enjoyable thriller that suffers from some major credibility issues (see: “Really?). I can’t quite declare it to be a bad movie, but it comes perilously close. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0340919/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Big Red One (1980)

War Movie #3

Synopsis: Lee Marvin whips a bunch of raw recruits into a fighting unit during the Second World War….no, that’s the Synopsis for The Dirty Dozen. Ok, Mark Hammill portrays a young man who must take up arms against an evil dictatorship….no, that’s Star Wars. Um… four likeable young men bond over one last adventure before they enter the workforce….no, that’s Breaking Away. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “And that means The Big Red One may be one of the most immediate, most intense, truest war movie you’ve ever seen.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The Kasserine Pass is a shit hole. 2) The Bangalore Torpedo would have to be the most impractical weapon ever created. 3) You know how you smoke out a sniper? You send a guy out in the open and see if he gets shot. 4) Killing insane people is bad for public relations. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll gladly watch anything about a big red one. 

Really?: 1) Um….wasn’t Lee Marvin a little old to play an infantry sergeant? 2) I certainly understand Pvt. Vinci getting upset when a fellow soldier mocks his Italian heritage, but shoving a rifle into the guy’s mouth and threatening to fire? And the sergeant doesn’t say anything? 

Rating: I was never a big Lee Marvin fan until I watched The Big Red One about a decade ago and found myself impressed with his world-weary, and occasionally tender portrayal of a professional soldier who has seen too much killing. The story is episodic, and it’s clear in places that writer/director Samuel Fuller didn’t have a big budget at his disposal, but the film is meant to depict Fuller’s own experiences in the war, and it works; the audience gets to know these men, and we feel genuine concern when it looks as though the entire squad is about to get wiped out on D-Day. The Big Red One also includes an impressive performance from Hamill, and suggests that he could have gone on to bigger and better roles if he hadn’t been typecast as Luke you-know-who. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080437/?ref_=nv_sr_1

M*A*S*H (1970)

War Movie #2 (My apologies - I meant to post my reviews of M*A*S*H and The Big Red One last month) 

Synopsis: Psychotic surgeons stitch servicemen, steal supplies, sing silly songs, smear superiors, sap soldierly spirit. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “One of the most acclaimed comedies, M*A*S*H focuses on three Korean War Army surgeons brilliantly brought to life by Donald Sutherland, Tom Skerritt and Elliott Gould.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Suicide is painless. 2) Informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization. 3) You can’t really savour a martini without an olive. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood for conflict...and mash. 

Really?: Wait – these people are just a few miles away from a combat zone, and they’re somehow able to arrange a football game, complete with a flat, mown lawn, and professional lighting? Speaking of that strangely-inserted football game, why in the world would Major Houlihan (aka “Hotlips”) cheer for the 4077 team after they publicly (and cruelly) humiliated her on several occasions? 2) So, Hawkeye, Trapper and Duke can get away with physically abusing or psychologically torturing senior officers simply because they’re surgeons? Has anything like this ever happened in the US military?

Rating: I had never seen M*A*S*H (nor the long-running TV series that came shortly afterward) until recently, so I was unprepared for how dated, juvenile, unfunny ,and mean-spirited it may seem to contemporary viewers. Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John are two of the most obnoxious bullies to ever appear on the silver screen, and I’m shocked that audiences were asked to sympathize with them, let alone cheer them on when they humiliate, degrade, and even physically assault superior officers who have the gall to question them. Oh, and it's strange how a supposedly anti-war film actually has very little say about war, or its combatants. I cannot recommend this movie. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Probably not, but take a drink any time Hawkeye, Duke or Trapper really deserve a punch in the mouth. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0066026/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Flags of Our Fathers (2006)

War Movie #1 (While I usually post my war movie reviews before Remembrance Day, I was quite busy earlier this month, so I wasn't able to get to them until this weekend). 

Synopsis: It starts out as The Thin Red Line and quickly turns into That Thing You Do. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “On the frontline, there’s no time for fear.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Iwo Jima is an “ugly, smelly, dirty little scab of rock” which translates as “sulphur island.” 2) Three days is a fucking beautiful thing. 3) No sense being a hero if you can’t look like one. 4) The military always trains you for desert warfare on a volcano. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're fascinated by the flags of our fathers. 

Really?: So, was America really on the verge of bankruptcy near the end of WWII and ready to cut a deal with Japan due to a lack of funds, or was that just some useful spin to motivate the boys to sell war bonds? This is never made entirely clear. 

Rating: Clint Eastwood’s Flags of Our Fathers is a powerful and thought-provoking look at America’s campaign in the Pacific theatre and the propaganda that enabled the country to sell war bonds. The film examines the brave young men who raised Old Glory over Iwo Jima, and were then used (and later discarded) by the government. Overall, Flags is an impressive war drama, although my only complaint would be a lack of focus in the second and third acts. As Ira Hayes becomes increasingly troubled by his PTSD and survivor’s guilt, it increasingly becomes his story, even though it’s not really that interesting, and I would have liked to have learned more about Doc Bradley and Rene Gagnon. Still, Flags of Our Fathers is highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418689/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Trees Lounge (1996)

Please click the link to read my review of the similarly-themed Barfly

Synopsis: Luckless, Likeable lallygagging lounge-lizard lush loser loves liquor, looks languished, louses livelihood.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "All Tommy wants from life is what everyone has - a job, a girl and a good time. But the harder he tries, the worse things get." 

What Did I Learn?: Everybody's fucked up, but nobody wants anybody else to think they are, but everybody knows they are anyway. 2 It’s easy to confuse Marlon Brando with Jerry Lewis.

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to meet some colourful characters and take in some stimulating conversation. 

Really?: Ok, Trees Lounge is a total hole-in-the-wall dump that hasn’t been renovated (or cleaned) in the previous 40 years, but I had a hard time believing a juke box in 1996 would be loaded up with the Ink Spots and an entirely pre-rock ‘n roll musical lineup. 2 So, does Tommy have any actual talent as an auto mechanic? This is never made clear – he can’t seem to fix his own early-1970s lead sled, but he’s also drunk most of the time. I also wondered if Tommy was telling the truth about not being able to get a reference from Rob or if he was just making a bullshit excuse.

Rating:Trees Lounge is a slow-moving, but heartfelt and surprisingly compelling character-driven seriocomic look at a 30-something guy who really needs to get his shit together and stop hanging out in America’s crappiest dive bar. Buscemi (who also wrote the screenplay and directed) is strangely sympathetic as Tommy, even when the character is obnoxious and self-destructive, which is most of the movie. It’s fun to watch Tommy get into trouble and exchange some very funny barbs with a slew of actors who later found fame on The Sopranos, but there’s a serious message about alcohol abuse behind the laughter. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117958/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Wanted: Dead or Alive (1987)

Let’s Get Those Terrorists Movie #3 (This would have been perfect for my salute to revenge-themed films) 

Synopsis: Semi-retired crime-fighter who lives on a houseboat comes back to catch the evil SOB who eluded him… no, that’s the Synopsis for Blood Work. Um…bad-assed bounty hunter targets slippery law-breaking political dissident who likes to blow up valuable infrastructure….no wait, that’s the Synopsis for The Empire Strikes Back! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Rutger Hauer IS Nick Randall. Loner, hunter, former CIA career man. A high-tech, fourth generation bounty hunter who speaks softly and carries a very big stick." 

What Did I Learn?: A friend drops by in a swimsuit and carrying a six-pack, not dressed as one of the Brooks Brothers. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy listening to Rutger Hauer deliver strange lines of dialogue. 

Really?: 1 So, Nick enjoys gulping down whisky while he’s behind the wheel of a car? That’s certainly responsible behaviour. 2 I’m curious: what is Malak Al Rahim’s ideology? Is he a Palestinian nationalist? An Islamist? An Arab Marxist? This is never revealed, and his clothing and behaviour don’t provide really any clues. 3 Funny how Rahim blows up a movie theatre full of people (not sure why there were children present for a nighttime showing of Rambo: First Blood Part II, but that’s another quibble), and there’s supposed to be a city-wide panic, but we’re never shown any evidence that this is the case. 4 Hmm… Rahim’s men murder Nick’s girlfriend and his best friend, and we aren’t given many reasons to care. 5 Speaking of which, I realize Nick is pretty bummed out after his houseboat is destroyed, but shooting his own TV set? Who would do that? 

Rating: Wanted: Dead or Alive is a cheesy, and rather hum-drum action flick from the mid-1980s that still works for an evening’s entertainment thanks to memorable performances from Hauer and Simmons (I love the scene when the former tells the latter: “you’re not a soldier – you’re just a fly on a pile of shit), and a few good one-liners. This is not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s the best of the mid-1980s Let’s Get Those Terrorists films in my collection. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094293/?ref_=rvi_tt

The Delta Force (1986)

Let’s Get Those Terrorists Movie #2

Synopsis: Chuck Norris single-handedly wipes out terrorism in Beirut. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When political extremists take innocent Americans hostage, only super-soldiers Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin can rescue them in this tremendously entertaining, action-packed adventure!” 

What Did I Learn?: There's no geopolitical problem that Chuck Norris and a motorcycle loaded with an endless supply of rocket-propelled grenades can't solve. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You don't recognize the sarcasm in my Synopsis. 

Really?: 1 So wait, McCoy (Chuck Norris) resigns from Delta Force following the disastrous Desert One fiasco in 1980, several years pass, and even though they don’t contact him, everyone expects McCoy to join them on the big mission and he miraculously shows up! Gee, that’s credible…. Is somebody else now doing his job? Are they now using new equipment? Is it possible to step effortlessly into a tightly-planned commando mission? 2 Um…what does McCoy hear on the radio that gives him the impression reinforcements are coming? A fellow team member actually mentions that he doesn’t speak Arabic. 3) Um… isn’t Lee Marvin a little old to play the leader of a crack commando unit? 

Rating: The Delta Force clocks in at just over two hours, but holy shit this movie drags after the first half hour or so. The biggest problem is that it often seems like two separate films stitched into one: an hour-long psychodrama of Middle Eastern terrorists pushing around innocent American airline passengers, followed by Chuck Norris karate-kicking nameless terrorists and causing endless mayhem riding around on that motorcycle I mentioned earlier! The Delta Force has an impressive cast (including Marvin, who was seriously ill when DF was shot, and doesn’t look so good), but they aren’t given much to do besides look scared, or in Shelley Winters’ case, launch into a meltdown that would likely get her killed in real life. I can’t recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090927/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Why not? Take a drink any time an actor wildly overacts, or McCoy gets annoyed by bureaucratic inaction. 

Death Before Dishonor (1987)

Let’s Get Those Terrorists Movie #1

Synopsis: Fred Dwyer shoots a bunch of terrorists and otherwise wonders what happened to his acting career. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They attacked his embassy, kidnapped his commanding officer and assassinated his men. Now, he must take foreign policy into his own hands.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) You can tell that a man is a terrorist by looking into his eyes. 2) If you really want to respect a man, you paint both sides of the rocks in his garden. (I still don’t know what to make of that exchange).   

You Might Like This Movie If: You feel the need to watch anything and everything Brian Keith ever did. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” 2) So, the only good Arab in this movie is secretly a Mossad agent? 3) That impromptu debate between Burns and Elli (Joanna Pacula) regarding morality and America’s Middle East policy must be heard to be believed did writer John Gatliff seriously think Burns makes a convincing and coherent argument? 4) Funny how Colonel Halloran (Brian Keith) has his hand seemingly destroyed by an electric drill but it doesn’t slow him down or impact his fighting abilities a whit when the shit later hits the fan. 5) The villain’s name is Jihad…haha! 6) So, Burns is somehow able to singlehandedly (and accurately) use a rocket launcher while driving a jeep, but the idiot terrorists can’t hit a thing with their machine guns?

Rating: Death Before Dishonor is a long-forgotten (and deservedly so), clichéd, badly-paced, and mindlessly jingoistic 1980s action film that features some atrocious acting (Paul Winfield looks embarrassed to be there), awful dialogue (see: “What Did I Learn?” And “Really?” ), and not a hint of subtlety. At least it’s unintentionally funny in places. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092854/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Of course! Take a drink any time a motor vehicle crashes through a camel-drawn fruit cart or the US Ambassador says something super-weenish along the lines of: “we need to do this by the book, Sergeant!” or “we’re not here to cause trouble.”