Free Enterprise (1998)

Synopsis: Loveable dorks approaching the big 3-OH make the startling realization that William Shatner is a bit of a whackjob. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “FREE ENTERPRISE changed the way fans saw William Shatner and themselves in a performance since called a comic masterpiece.” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s not a great idea to wear a Starfleet uniform on your first day of high school. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you would gladly accept a promise from William Shatner. 

Really?: 1) Apparently, it’s really easy to bang hot model-actress chicks in Hollywood when you’re flat broke, carless and always discussing Star Trek in casual conversation. 2) I realize Mark and Sean consider Robert to be a good friend, but I had a hard time believing they would lend him so much dough knowing he has no means of repaying them, and doesn’t seem all that eager to get his career back on track. 3) Ok, Shatner’s idea of producing, and starring in a musical version of Julius Caesar is pretty wacky, but wouldn’t he have an extensive network of people in the entertainment industry? Why would he humour Mark and Robert when it’s obvious neither of them have any influence? 

Rating: Free Enterprise is the sort of film I’ve always enjoyed: character-and-dialogue-driven comedy-dramas that provide some insight into the human condition and don’t take themselves too seriously. On the whole, Free Enterprise is an entertaining, often-funny and cleverly-written low-budget film, and Shatner is hilarious when he pokes fun at his action hero image - you also have to like his unique take on Shakespeare. Unfortunately, some of the humour falls flat, Mark and Robert aren’t terribly likeable, and long stretches pass between Shatner’s appearances. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0141105/?ref_=rvi_tt

Star Trek (2009)

Please click the link to read my review of Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Synopsis: Hollywood attempts to revive ailing billion-dollar franchise by rebooting once-popular 40-year-old TV series. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The future begins in JJ Abrams’ smash hit STAR TREK.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, they’re still listening to the Beastie Boys and selling gasoline to power 1960/1970s lead sleds in the 23^rd Century. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a die-hard Trekkie. 

Really?: Wow….where do I begin? Ok, here goes… 1) What’s “red matter”? How does it work? Why does it create black holes? And how exactly would Spock save Romulus by transforming its supernova sun into a black hole? 2) So, wait – Nero is pissed at Spock because he tried to prevent the disaster and failed? And instead of…I don’t know….warning contemporary Romulans that their sun will go nova in 130 years, he waits around in space for 25 years to exact revenge upon the guy who tried to save his planet, and everyone connected to him? 3) I had a hard time believing Spock would load Kirk into a pod and jettison him towards a nearby planet (wouldn’t the brig suffice?). I had an even harder time believing he would somehow run into future Spock and Scotty within a few hours of landing on the surface. 4) Spock advises himself to put aside logic and do what feels right? That doesn’t sound like Spock. 5) Take a drink any time Kirk hangs precariously and looks as though he’s about to fall to his death. 6) Hold on – aside from Captain Pike, why is the Federation’s flagship vessel crewed entirely by early 20-something cadets, and why would Pike appoint Kirk First Officer? And how in the world does Kirk bypass the ranks of Ensign, Lieutenant, Lt-Commander and Commander to officially become Captain of the Enterprise at the end? 7) What was the point of Scotty transporting into the Enterprise’s plumbing system? And he’s appointed to the role of Chief Engineer soon after beaming aboard? 8) Nero’s ship is a mining vessel, right? Why does it resemble a giant porcupine, and why is it armed to the teeth? 9) See: “What Did I Learn?”

Rating: A friend from high school assured me several years ago that I would like this movie; he was wrong. Star Trek is ok as a popcorn flick (which is why I’m giving this a barely-passing grade), but it has some credibility problems (see: “What Did I Learn?” and “Really?”), its characters bear little resemblance to their namesakes on the television series (Scotty is bumbling comic relief? Kirk is a reckless, authority-challenging asshole? The Vulcans take a “whatevs” approach to logic?), the fast-paced intercutting is difficult to follow, and the whole thing just struck me as a cynical cash-grab (see: “Synopsis”). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0796366/?ref_=rvi_tt

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Synopsis: Bruce Campbell opens a can of whoop-ass on evil undead….no, that’s the synopsis for Army of Darkness. Um…. Ossie Davis humours an elderly, and possibly delusional buddy on an ill-advised adventure…no, that’s I’m Not Rappaport. Ok, the King of Rock-and-Roll abandons his identity, poses as a regular Joe, and goes on a mission to help others….no, that’s Finding Graceland.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Mud Creek, Texas, is about to get all shook up.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you have a bad hip and generally get around with the aid of a walker, it’s probably not a great idea to attempt a karate move. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're pretty sure Elvis didn't kick the bucket in 1977.

Really?: This movie asks us to believe Elvis switched identities with an impersonator and somehow wound up in a fleabag East Texas nursing home, his best friend is an elderly black guy who thinks he’s JFK, and the two of them are forced to forced to fight a 3,000-year old Egyptian mummy who feeds on the souls of the living. I don’t know where to begin. 

Rating: Bubba Ho-Tep is one weird movie: part horror, part black comedy, and part character-driven drama about the fears of growing old and importance of feeling needed. I can’t call BHT a great film, but it spins a good yarn, and cult actor Campbell finds the right balance between noble and pathetic in his portrayal of Elvis. Check it out if you get a chance. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0281686/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Protecting the King (2007)

Please click the links to read my reviews of two other Elvis-themed movies: 3000 Miles to Graceland, and Finding Graceland. 

Synopsis: Violent, coke-snorting philanderer is paid big money to protect another violent, pill-popping philanderer….who can sing. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Sex, drugs and violence - they’re all part of the job when you’re working for the King of Rock & Roll.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you’re ever arrested for statutory rape, your best defence is to immediately leave the state is soon as you’re released because the entire matter will be immediately dropped and forgotten. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that it isn't easy to be the King of Rock-and-Roll. 

Really?: 1) So, where’s Priscilla? Where’s Colonel Tom Parker? Why doesn’t anyone address, or refer to Elvis by name? Why just “the King?” 2) Let’s see….David beats a man senseless, snorts a whole lot of cocaine, gets caught by the police with an under-aged girl in a hotel room and then flees the state (see: “Really?”), and the worst thing that happens to him is that his marriage breaks up? And we’re supposed to feel sorry for him? 3) Wow….David is awfully wise, and strangely attuned to subtle nuances for a 16-year old. 

Rating: Protecting the King left me feeling disappointed. Based upon the recollections of Presley’s real-life stepbrother, D. Edward Stanley, the film is strangely devoid of any insights into “the King,” and the the protagonist is far too thick-headed and unlikeable to be terribly sympathetic. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: I doubt it, but take a drink any time David decides he isn’t going to take any shit from someone and reacts badly. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780530/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Jerry Maguire (1996)

Synopsis: Show me the overacting! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “But with the help of one loyal colleague and one outrageous client, JERRY MAGUIRE learns that loving well is the best revenge.” 

What Did I Learn?: The human head weighs eight pounds. 3) Kwan means love, respect, community and dollars. 4) A real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mom. 5) We live in a cynical world. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Tom Cruise is just the guy to play a beloved Everyman. 

Really?: 1) So, wait – Jerry gets fired, and he’s somehow allowed to stay in his office for a good length of time in order to call his clients and ask them to leave the company? Wouldn’t he most likely get barred at the door, or escorted out by security guards?  2) How many times a week does that divorced women’s group meet, and why are they always camped out in Anne-Louise’s living room? 3) Let’s see…. There’s the hockey player who’s had several concussions and his son is really worried about him…. Rod’s brother, who is obviously jealous of Rod’s success…. Jerry’s ex, Avery, who is probably insane…. The nanny who loves jazz music… just how many minor characters and subplots does this movie introduce and then fail to develop? 4) Do Dicky Fox’s short monologues really add anything? They’re not particularly funny, and they don’t provide any insights into the strange world of professional sports agency. 

Rating: Jerry Maguire is a nice romantic comedy that could have been better with some recasting and a tighter script (see: #3 of “Really”). The film delivers a number of great lines and some genuinely funny scenes, and I was particularly impressed by Rene Zellweger and Cuba Gooding Jr; the latter somehow manages to make Rod obnoxious, yet still strangely likeable, which is no easy feat. The biggest problem I have with Jerry Maguire (aside from a number of unnecessary scenes that pad out the running time to two hours and nineteen minutes!) Is Cruise himself - he wildly overacts in nearly every scene (see: “Synopsis”) and doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes less is more. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116695/?ref_=rvi_tt

The Iceman (2012)

This would have been great for my tribute to gangster movies in 2011

Synopsis: Violent psychopath ices (literally!) other bad people. And we’re expected to give a shit.  

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Loving husband. Devoted father. Ruthless killer.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you’re ever tempted to kill somebody, throw the corpse into a freezer for a few months before giving it the old dumperoo – the Medical Examiner will have no idea when the time or date of death took place. 2) John Ventimiglia (best remembered as Artie Bucco from The Sopranos) is a shitty dancer. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You assume it's a prediction of the future, based upon the title. 

Really?: I realize The Iceman was based upon a true story, but I had a bit of trouble believing Bob “Mr. Freezy” Pronge (Chris Evans) would accept Richard (Michael Shannon) as a literal partner-in-crime after the latter fired a pistol at point-blank range in his face and threatened his life. 2) So, the New York mob hires Richard to do a hit, and then refuses to pay him? Hey, that’s a great idea. 

Rating: I have to give The Iceman a bit of a mixed review; Michael Shannon delivers a convincing performance at Richard Kuklinski, and he shares a number of great scenes with Winona Ryder as his strangely-oblivious wife and Ray Liota. Set mostly in the 1960s and 1970s, the film is noteworthy for its attention to period authenticity. Kuklinski’s story is certainly compelling, but The Iceman doesn’t really work as a biopic – there’s no noticeable narrative, and the audience isn’t given much insight into why he turned into a monster, aside from surviving childhood abuse. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1491044/?ref_=nv_sr_1

American Sniper (2014)

Synopsis: US Marine sniper becomes increasingly detached from reality during violent tour of duty in Iraq…sorry, that’s the Synopsis for Jarhead. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Chris Kyle’s (Bradley Cooper) mission is to protect his brothers in arms while being a prime target of insurgents.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) There are three types of people in the world: sheep, wolves and sheep dogs. 2) The key distinction between Texans and rednecks is that the former ride horses, while the latter ride their cousins. 3) You can only circle the flames so long. 4) Iraqi dirt tastes like dog shit.

You Might Like This Movie If: You always wondered why some men grow up to become snipers. 

Really?: So, does Chris (Bradley Cooper) have an opinion on the Iraq war? Ok, he’s a “sheepdog”, and he sees his role as killing bad people, and I’m sure he killed some legitimately evil people, but it’s strange how he doesn’t really his own PTSD, and never once questions the wisdom of invading Iraq or asks if the larger goals were worth the lives of so many of his colleagues. 

Rating: Directed by Clint Eastwood, American Sniper provides a compelling, but very limited look at the life of a young man with a strong sense of mission. The film works best when Chris Kyle is in Iraq and on the trail of a rival Iraqi sniper, and it gets awkward when he’s back in Texas and uncommunicative towards his long-suffering wife. It’s a good film that could have been better with a bit more analysis of the larger picture. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2179136/?ref_=rvi_tt

Shooter (2007)

Synopsis: Deep State fucks with the wrooooooooooong guy. [Come to think of it, that sounds a bit like the Synopsis for The Domino Principle] 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Get ready for edge-of-your-seat thrills as Mark Wahlberg ignites the screen in his most compelling role yet: the Shooter.” [Yes, this sucker once retailed for the low, low price of only $14.99]

What Did I Learn?: 1) Tennessee is the patron state of “shootin’ stuff.” 2) “There are no sides. There’s no Sunnis and Shiites. There’s not Democrats and Republicans. There’s only HAVES and Have NOTS.” (Wait - didn’t Ned Beatty deliver some eerily similar words in Network?) 3) Nothing, no matter how horrible, ever really happens without the approval of the government. 4) The hassle with democracy is there’s always some confused soul who believes one man can make a difference and you have to kill him to convince him otherwise. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that shooters are nothing but trouble.

Really?: 1) I realize Bob Lee Swagger (Wahlberg) is an ex-military guy in top physical shape, but I had a bit of trouble believing he could have accomplished even a fraction of what he did with a bleeding bullet wound. 2) Hold on - Swagger and his partner are actually betrayed by their own government during a top-secret mission in Ethiopia, and the Deep State goons seriously think he’ll agree to work with them again? 3) So, the goons capture FBI dude Nick Memphis, beat the crap out of him, and then attempt to finesse his murder so it looks like a suicide? 4) Gee, aren’t there any easier ways of icing the archbishop than waiting for him to make a speech when he's standing next to the President of the United States? 

Rating: Shooter is an enjoyable, if somewhat predictable, unoriginal and highly contrived thriller (See: “Synopsis,” “What Did I Learn?” And “Really?”). Strangely, the film tries to present itself as edgy and political, but it’s really just a big shoot-em-up. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0822854/?ref_=nv_sr_2

London Boulevard (2010)

I could have used this for my tribute to British Gangster movies in 2014. 

Synopsis: Dangerous dude is released from prison, falls for a woman who’s way out of his league, discovers his best buddy is nothing but trouble, battles powerful crime boss, and gets bumped off by a minor-league scumbag he should have iced weeks earlier. So, it’s basically Carlito’s Way with cockney accents.  

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Not every criminal wants to be one.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The most powerful fucking thing is to know what can go wrong…for anybody, at any fucking time. 2) You’re not allowed to do more than one thing. 3) Work’s what you do when you’d rather be doing something else. 4) A woman’s job in a film is to get the hero to talk about himself - about his hopes, his fears, maybe even about his fascinating, fucking childhood.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy cruising along a London boulevard. 

Really?: 1) So, Mitchel (Colin Farrell) has an alcoholic sister who’s dating a nice doctor, and his old buddy the homeless guy was recently murdered, there’s some creepy dude stalking his girlfriend, and a disgraced physician wants to pick up some of his belongings from Mitchel’s pad….holy shit, how many underdeveloped characters and subplots does this movie include? 2) Doesn’t Gant (Ray Winstone) have better things to do than harass Mitchel into going to work for him, and then attempting to kill him when he refuses? I didn’t really buy that storyline. 

Rating: London Boulevard is a slow-moving and rather ho-hum crime drama that features a number of very good performances (Farrell shares some tense scenes with Ray Winstone, and I was especially impressed by Ben Chaplin as Farrell’s sidekick Billy), but otherwise suffers from cliched, underdeveloped and unoriginal script (see: "Synopsis" and "What Did I Learn?"). 6/10 stars 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1213648/?ref_=rvi_tt

Best and Worst (2018)

The Best Movies I reviewed in 2018 (10/10 stars, or 9/10 stars):

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

The Hurt Locker

The Alamo

The Company Men

Leaves of Grass

Scarecrow

The Italian Job (1969 version)

Cast Away

The ‘Burbs

Jackknife 

The Professionals

Cactus Flower

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three 

Flags of Our Fathers

Trees Lounge

The Big Red One

The Worst Movies I reviewed in 2018 (fewer than 5 stars): 

Hostage

Deal 

Brick

Ladder 49

The Delta Force

Death Before Dishonor

The Expendables 

Get Carter

Author! Author! 

M*A*S*H 

Please click the links to read my Best and Worst lists for 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012 and 2011. 

Double Whammy (2001)

Synopsis: Dennis Leary mugs his way through 93-minute underdeveloped cop comedy that’s basically a pilot for his 2001-2002 series, The Job. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “A comedy abut a detective with everything…but a clue.” 

What Did I Learn?: If a couple of weird guys who always wear red suits ask you to sit in a chair so they can tie you up in order to discuss torture scenarios for a screenplay, just say “no thanks.” 2) Chiropractic medicine has been recognized by the medical community since 1963. 3) White hipsters don’t react well when they’re accused of harbouring subconscious racist thoughts. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You took a look at the DVD case, and you're convinced that Leary, Elizabeth Hurley and Steve Buscemi all guest-starred on Press Your Luck. 

Really?: 1) So, Dimitri (Chris Noth in a send-up of his Law and Order role) realizes Maribel must have had some connection to the two killers, and….nothing? There’s no follow-up to this realization aside from Maribel crying at her father’s bedside? 2) Was there any point behind Jerry (Buscemi) telling Ray (Leary) that he recently checked out his ass? This revelation is mentioned, and never developed further. 

Rating: For a film that features Leary, Buscemi and Hurley, Double Whammy often looks and feels like a low-budget straight-to-video cop comedy. The script is wildly uneven, and loaded with undeveloped storylines and characters (See: “Really”), but I liked the chemistry between Leary and Hurley and Double Whammy isn’t bad for an evening’s entertainment. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0250347/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Kuffs (1992)

I could have used this for my tribute to revenge-themed movies. 

Synopsis: Ne’er do well stirs up trouble when he launches an investigation into his brother’s recent murder….wait, didn’t I just review Get Carter? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When you have attitude who needs experience?”

What Did I Learn?: 1) “Love and kisses on all your pink parts” is NOT an acceptable message for a greeting card. 2) Without women, there would be no civilization. 3) Harold Faltermeyer apparently ran out of creative musical ideas after he scored Beverly Hills Cop. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch anything that features Bruce Boxleitner. 

Really?: 1) So, the villain isn’t really into grabbing real estate at a discount, he’s really into art theft, and he wants the rent-a-cops to look the other way? Or is he into both? This isn’t made clear. 2) Is there any reason Maya Carlton (Milla Jovovich) has an Eastern European accent while her parents are wealthy WASPs or are we supposed to overlook that fact? 3) I’m shocked that Ted didn’t bite the dust (or press charges against George for poisoning him) after he drank that coffee laced with a LOT of tranquilizers. 4) Funny how George (Slater) is required to attend the police academy every day while he manages the patrol-special shop, yet aside from one scene of him running along the beach with his colleagues, this is never again mentioned. When does he actually sleep? 

Rating: I hadn’t seen Kuffs since I first watched it in 1992, so I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect when I popped the VHS tape into my machine. Overall, Kuffs is a fun action-comedy that doesn’t always make sense (see: “Really?”), but never takes itself too seriously, either. Check it out if you’ve ever wondered how Slater would handle the role of Axel Foley, or if you really want to enjoy a few minutes of Jovovich dancing in her underwear. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104647/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Horrible Bosses (2011)

Happy New Year! 

Synopsis: Jennifer Anniston interacts with three young men who hate their jobs so much they develop a plot for revenge…no, that’s the Synopsis for Office Space. Um….Kevin Spacey portrays a psychopathically nasty boss who provokes his assistant into a homicidal rage…no, that’s Swimming With Sharks. Um… three loveable idiots (straight man, fun-loving horndog, and batshit crazy weirdo) get into a lot of trouble after drinks one night…no, that’s The Hangover. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “For Nick (Jason Bateman), Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) and Dale (Charlie Day), the only thing that would make the daily grind more tolerable would be to grind their intolerable bosses into dust.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting a few band-aids on your nipples. 2 ) You don’t put a playground next to a bar. 3) No one’s going to pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah. 4) There’s no law on the books against putting people’s toiletries up your ass. 5) The secret to success in the corporate world is the ability to take lots and lots of shit. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've worked for a horrible boss. 

Really?: 1) Horrible Bosses is a screwball comedy that isn’t meant to be taken too seriously, but I had a few problems with the climax – wouldn’t the cops discover the gun was registered to Harken (Spacey), he has gunpowder on his hands, and the bullet in his leg was fired at point-blank range? 2) So, Nick has worked for Harken for what….seven or eight years? Wouldn’t he have sensed much earlier that Harken is a lying SOB who will never promote him, and sent out a few resumes along the way? 

Rating: I wanted to like Horrible Bosses a bit more than I did; Spacey is great as the bane of Bateman’s existence, and the film delivers a few genuinely funny scenes, but I couldn’t help myself from thinking I had seen much of this before (see: “Synopsis”), or that the writers who penned this script and the principal leads were trying too hard for laughs - very little of the dialogue seemed natural or believable. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1499658/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Get Carter (2000)

This would have been perfect for my tribute to revenge-themed movies. 

Synopsis: Formulaic re-make of a Michael Caine classic…oh, sorry, that’s the Synopsis for The Italian Job. Um…. Cynical tough-guy visits strange town to investigate death of somebody close….no, that’s Beverly Hills Cop. Um….Stallone sleepwalks his way through less-than-inspired revenge thriller….no, that’s Avenging Angelo. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The truth hurts.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Revenge doesn’t work. 2) If you don’t take care of business, the business will take care of you. 3) Nobody likes the list guy. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're really out to get Carter. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, aren’t there any cops in Seattle? Carter beats Cyrus (Mickey Rourke) to death in front of several dozen witnesses, gets into at least two extreme car chases, and sneaks into a crime scene, and we never so much as see a squad car. 2) So, Carter’s mob employer in Vegas can’t spare him for even a few days? The original provided a convincing reason for Carter’s (Caine) strained relationship with his boss, but this one seems a bit contrived. 

Rating: Get Carter is a surprisingly dull reboot of the far-superior original film with the same title (which I'm aiming to review in 2019 if I can obtain a copy). I wanted to like the reboot, but it’s extremely slow-moving, and Stallone doesn’t give us many reasons to give a crap about his character. I can’t recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Maybe - take a drink any time you find yourself asking: “where are the police?”

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0208988/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales (2002)

Merry Christmas! 

Synopsis: It’s 18 minutes of a wishy-washy round-headed kid tolerating obnoxious and narcissistic peers and a delusional dog. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Ready, set, glow as the Peanuts Gang gets into the spirit of the season!" 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Jezebel was the evil wife of King Ahab in the Old Testament. 2) Linus is NOT Sally’s sweet babboo. 3) The Bible says nothing about giving Christmas presents, and you can’t bluff an old theologian. 4) It’s not a good idea to discuss Samantha Claus in grade school. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the market for insurance.

Really?: Don’t these kids have parents? Why is it up to Sally to obtain a Christmas tree for the home? And how did that tree fall over entirely on its own just seconds after Sally’s antagonist sets that strangely coincidental condition? 

Rating: Charlie Brown’s Christmas Tales was created as an add-on so TV stations could air A Charlie Brown Christmas uninterrupted by commercials during an hour-long block of time, and it feels like filler material; the voice-overs are awful, and there’s no story – just a series of vignettes that may have worked in comic strips but fall flat as animation. Check it out only if you’re a die-hard Peanuts fan. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0382602/?ref_=rvi_tt

Author! Author! (1982)

I could have used this for my tribute to Al Pacino in 2012. 

Synopsis: Awful! Awful! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "When Al Pacino takes on Broadway, his kids take over his life." 

What Did I Learn?: Larry Kotzwinkle’s not a man, he’s a duck. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know the best strategy for writing a successful play is to become totally wrapped up in your personal problems and continually blow off everyone involved in its production. 

Really?: 1) A few questions: what’s Ivan’s play all about, what’s the problem with the second act, and how did he fix it? I think the viewing audience deserves some answers. 2) Funny how Ivan is a playwright and Gloria is an ESL teacher – they’re New York intellectuals – and lots of other intellectuals like Norman Mailer are name-dropped repeatedly, yet nobody ever discusses literature, the arts or ideas. 3) So, big events in the Travalian household by making a big cake and throwing it at Ivan?! WTF? 4) Hold on, a couple of cops order Ivan to hand over his runaway stepdaughters, and he responds by running away with them and barricading themselves on the roof? I’m shocked he wasn’t charged with obstruction of justice, at the very least. 5) Hey, what happened to Ivan’s curly new haircut? 

Rating: Hoo-wee, Author! Author! is a bad film. I was expecting a light, character-driven drama with some comedic elements, but wound up watching Pacino behave like a loud New York version of Mr. Rogers with a bunch of precocious brats. Author! Author! veers uneasily from slapstick humour to Kramer vs. Kramer-style relationship drama – some of it works (I liked the scene near the end when Ivan tells off his selfish wife for abandoning a string of husbands and her kids), but much of it doesn’t. I can’t recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: No, but take a drink any time Ivan, Morris (Bob Dishy) or Kreplich (Alan King) shout unnecessarily. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083598/?ref_=rvi_tt

Puerto Vallarta Squeeze (2004)

Synopsis: Professional killer befriends bickering couple….no, that’s the Synopsis for The Matador. Um…  Run-of-the-mill road trip turns into harrowing adventure… no, that’s National Lampoon’s Vacation. Um…  Tough guy steals wormy dude’s girlfriend during trip to Mexico…no, that’s Against All Odds. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Danger lies beyond the border." 

What Did I Learn?: You can apparently purchase a caged ocelot in rural Mexico for the princely sum of $3000. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you assume it's a tutorial for making top-quality margaritas. 

Really?: 1) So, Scott Glenn and Harvey Keitel get top billing in this film (even though Craig Wasson’s Danny is arguably the protagonist, but never mind that), and they don’t share a single scene together – just a phone call? 2) I realize Danny is bummed out about losing Maria, but isn’t he basically on the verge of getting evicted from his fleabag apartment? Why would he blow his entire wad of cash to free a caged wild cat? 3) Speaking of Danny, does anyone else think the film takes a wildly wrong turn at the mid-point when he loses about 80 IQ points and starts doing inexplicably dumb things like yell at Clayton in a crowded restaurant or speed down a Mexican road in a car filled with dead bodies? I was expecting him to man up, realize he loves Maria and get his shit together. 4) I had a bit of trouble believing the entire premise of the film… Danny thinks it might have been Clayton who shot those men in cold blood, but he agrees to drive him to the border anyway? And it’s nice that Clayton decides to let Danny and Maria live, but does he really need their car for his escape? If so, couldn’t he have stolen it without much effort? 

Rating: Puerto Vallarta Squeeze is a somewhat-enjoyable thriller that suffers from some major credibility issues (see: “Really?). I can’t quite declare it to be a bad movie, but it comes perilously close. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0340919/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Big Red One (1980)

War Movie #3

Synopsis: Lee Marvin whips a bunch of raw recruits into a fighting unit during the Second World War….no, that’s the Synopsis for The Dirty Dozen. Ok, Mark Hammill portrays a young man who must take up arms against an evil dictatorship….no, that’s Star Wars. Um… four likeable young men bond over one last adventure before they enter the workforce….no, that’s Breaking Away. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “And that means The Big Red One may be one of the most immediate, most intense, truest war movie you’ve ever seen.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The Kasserine Pass is a shit hole. 2) The Bangalore Torpedo would have to be the most impractical weapon ever created. 3) You know how you smoke out a sniper? You send a guy out in the open and see if he gets shot. 4) Killing insane people is bad for public relations. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll gladly watch anything about a big red one. 

Really?: 1) Um….wasn’t Lee Marvin a little old to play an infantry sergeant? 2) I certainly understand Pvt. Vinci getting upset when a fellow soldier mocks his Italian heritage, but shoving a rifle into the guy’s mouth and threatening to fire? And the sergeant doesn’t say anything? 

Rating: I was never a big Lee Marvin fan until I watched The Big Red One about a decade ago and found myself impressed with his world-weary, and occasionally tender portrayal of a professional soldier who has seen too much killing. The story is episodic, and it’s clear in places that writer/director Samuel Fuller didn’t have a big budget at his disposal, but the film is meant to depict Fuller’s own experiences in the war, and it works; the audience gets to know these men, and we feel genuine concern when it looks as though the entire squad is about to get wiped out on D-Day. The Big Red One also includes an impressive performance from Hamill, and suggests that he could have gone on to bigger and better roles if he hadn’t been typecast as Luke you-know-who. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080437/?ref_=nv_sr_1