Action Jackson (1988)

 

Synopsis: Police sergeant with a Stanford law degree and the ability to outrun speeding taxi cabs(!!) takes on…wait, WTF?!? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Get ready for ACTION! Like the blast from a .44 magnum, ACTION JACKSON explodes with the most spectacular action/adventure excitement of the year.” 

What Did I Learn?: Murder is a tool. [That’s a quote from the movie, btw]

You Might Like This Movie If: You love every project Carl Weathers ever attempted. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Jackson has a top-notch legal education, and is able to debate case law with a judge during a party, yet he decided to remain a cop even after he was demoted? 2) Um….how does a sassy hairstylist know all about Peter Delaplane’s (Craig T. Nelson) criminal activities and top-secret moves? 3) I really didn’t need to see Papa Doc’s testicles preserved in a pickle jar; also, why would that set of villains want to give Jackson the same treatment? Wouldn’t he likely return some day in a murderous rage and looking for some payback? 4) So, wait… it’s suddenly revealed during Delaplane’s big garden party that he attempted to assassinate a union leader, Delaplane orders that his helicopter be made available because the jig is clearly up and he’ll soon be a wanted man, and yet he still finds time to return to his bedroom for the express purpose of giving his mistress a fatal heroin overdose. WTF? 5) Funny how Delaplane’s trained assassins are presented as nearly super-human in the opening scenes (they can somehow appear and disappear at will), yet Jackson doesn’t seem to have much trouble dispatching them. 6) Goodness knows, if I ever drive a high-performance sports car through somebody’s mansion, I’ll be sure to recite the car’s marketing slogan as I do so. 

Rating: Created as a starring vehicle for Carl Weathers, Action Jackson is basically a Dirty Harry ripoff that feels more like a reboot of the television series Sledge Hammer with Weathers in the title role (when he’s reminded that he once tore off a suspect’s arm, Jackson replies: “he had a spare!”) Weathers is certainly likeable as Joshua Jackson, and Vanity is quite good as the villain’s mistress, but the script doesn’t make much sense (see: “Synopsis”, “What Did I Learn?” And “Really?”), and it bizarrely attempts to combine a lot of brutal violence with a cartoonish tone. Check it out if you want to see Nelson before he became Coach, Sharon Stone pre-Basic Instinct, or you’ve ever wondered what Thomas Wilson did after he played Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future films (he plays one of the two inept patrol cops). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094612/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Arab Conspiracy / Double Hit / The Next Man (1976)

 

Synopsis: Bullets fly and people die when a Saudi Arabian diplomat announces his country wishes to leave OPEC and form a partnership with Israel [I’ll take “Things that would never happen in real life” for $600, Alex] 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Crisis in the Gulf! The assassins from all over the world are conspiring to eliminate the Arab leaders. The killing is the only solution to control the power of oil.” [Holy shit, was this translated from another language? Who wrote the VHS jacket blurb?]

What Did I Learn?: The secret of backgammon is “back.” [I have no idea what that means - it’s a quote from the film]

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to check out one of Sean Connery's more unusual career decisions.

Really?: 1) So, the Saudi foreign minister speaks in a Scottish brogue. How about that. 2)  Oh, and the American ambassador to Britain’s daughter is a cold-blooded assassin. How/why did she get into that line of work? 2) Funny how the CIA is able to provide Khalil with a great biographical summary of Nicole Scott’s life, but nobody seems to have noticed that she spent an awful lot of time with Khalil’s buddy Al Sharif (Adolfo Cell) right before he met with an untimely death. 3) Wait, Nicole must know that her handlers will soon order her to ice Khalil, so why would she blast two other assassins during her weekend trip to the Bahamas with Khalil? That doesn’t make much sense. 

Rating: While I generally have a soft spot in my heart for 1970s thrillers, The Arab Conspiracy (or whatever its proper title might be) is something of a disappointment for a number of reasons: obviously, Connery is woefully miscast, Cornelia Sharpe is incredibly sexy and charming as Nicole Scott, but the viewer is left completely in the dark about who she is or what motivates her, and I think the geopolitical issues raised in this film deserved a bit more analysis and discussion. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074962/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mystery Men (1999)

 

Synopsis: Not-so-super vigilantes match wits with insane villain who wants to bring back disco…or something equally sinister. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The hippest cast in history has united to become the funniest superhero team ever.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions. 2) When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you. 3) Disco is NOT dead. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a sucker for super heroes. 

Really?: Mystery Men is a light-hearted comedy about strange people with strange super-powers, so I’m going to give it a lot of leeway in this category. Still, 1) I found it a bit strange that Captain Amazing could somehow defeat so many super-villains when it’s obvious that he’s not very bright; and 2) I’m not entirely sure why Dr. Leek (Lena Olin) was added to this movie, considering it’s Captain Amazing who convinces the asylum’s leadership to release Casanova, and her character is never developed after she speaks a grand total of two lines of dialogue. 

Rating: Despite a confused script and a very uneven comedic tone, it’s difficult to dislike Mystery Men, considering it features a great cast, several genuinely funny lines (I’m still chuckling over “it looks like we’ve got a date with destiny, and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster”), and a feel-good message about believing in yourself and never giving up. It’s worth checking out at least once. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132347/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Cats and Dogs (2001)

I hope you’re in the mood for two separate takes on Cats and Dogs, because that’s what you’re going to get. My girlfriend, Marie, is crazy about this film and she insisted on writing her own review, which follows mine. 

Synopsis: Loveable fur balls defeat a depraved super-genius and his sophisticated plan to rule humanity…oh wait, that’s the Synopsis for Return of the Jedi. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “They’re cunning. They’re stealthy. They’re waging a top-secret ultra-high-tech struggle for global domination right under our noses. They’re…. Cats and Dogs!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, cats don’t have the medical science skills to determine why some humans are allergic to dogs, but that are able to take that research and weaponize it within an hour! 2) Cats are evi… oh, who am I kidding? Cats are adorable!! [Seriously, as a cat lover, I have to wonder why writers John Requa and Glenn Ficarra chose not to include at least one sympathetic feline character. Didn’t they miss an opportunity to talk to children about prejudice in a non-heavy handed way?]

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to watch cats and dogs interact with technology. 

Really?: See: “What did I Learn?” #1. Ok, seriously… Cats and Dogs is a kids movie, so I can laugh off the idea of a cat who is able to speak perfect English, or a secret, multi-millennia-long high-tech war between the title critters, but I had a problem with the third act, when the cat army kidnaps Jeff Goldblum’s family and threatens to murder them. That seemed wildly incongruous in a family-friendly film that otherwise doesn’t take itself too seriously. 2) Wait, the dogs have Calico (John Lovitz) in their possession after he delivers Mr. Tinkle’s ransom demands and they apparently just let him go? They don’t even tail him [no pun intended!] to the cat headquarters? 

Rating: Cats and Dogs is a cute little adventure for the younger set, but it doesn’t work very well as a comedy for adults because it isn’t all that funny and it lacks the sweetness of similar films such as the Toy Story franchise. Cats and Dogs is difficult to dislike because it doesn’t take itself too seriously until the last 20 minutes or so when the tone of the story becomes a lot darker and we’re suddenly supposed to take these bumbling villains seriously (see: “Really? #1). 6.5/10 stars. 

Marie's Take: 

Synopsis: A secret agent is assigned to oppose his society’s greatest enemy, only to find that his social attitudes are glaringly out of place... oh wait, that's the Synopsis for Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. 

Blurb From IMDB.com: "A look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on between cats and dogs, of which their human owners are blissfully unaware.”

What Did I Learn?: CATS ARE EVIL! DOGS RULE! 'Nuff said.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’re ok knowing there aren’t any original ideas in Hollywood anymore.

Really?: 1)  Mr. Tinkles and his motley crew are capable of kidnapping Professor Brody and his family but his housekeeper is somehow a greater nemesis and the bane of his existence when she dresses him up in adorable pet costumes. 2) I was hoping Calico might become the Cats and Dogs version of Maltz from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock and emerge as a lovable informant for the dogs so naturally I was disappointed to see him inexplicably return to the cats' lair.

Rating: Cats and Dogs is both a documentary-style examination of feline-canine interactions and a classic tale of good vs. evil (see "What did I learn?"). But seriously,  I agree with my better-half that the latter 20 minutes of the movie deviates from all the fun, not-so-serious fluff and becomes driven by a predictable good conquers evil plot.  Cats and Dogs is approximately 1½ hours of cuteness overloaded entertainment for children and um...children of all ages. I give it a 7/10 stars.

Final word:  Eli, let's get a dog!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0239395/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

Synopsis: Hey, it’s a Woody Allen movie, which means you’ll probably see a bunch of white, neurotic, well-educated, upper-middle-class New Yorkers wandering the city and discussing their personal problems, and hear a lot of jazz in the background. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Once again, Woody Allen has managed to combine deep poignancy with hilarious comedy.” 

What Did I Learn?: Child molestation is a touchy subject. [That’s a quote from the film, btw] 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're looking for a discreet and rather sophisticated method for making a sexual overture. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, take a drink any time Allen introduces, fails to develop and then discards a new character. 2) Wait, David (Sam Waterston in an uncredited role) meets Holly (Diane Wiest) and April (Carrie Fisher), and then attempts to romance both of them? They’re friends! They’re going to talk to each other! How could he possibly make that work? 

Rating: Hannah and Her Sisters is a bit disjointed, and tries to tell a few too many stories with a few too many characters, but it’s an otherwise charming, intelligent, funny, and even poignant look at three women and the men who love them. Be sure to catch a blink-or-you'll-miss-him appearance by John Turturro. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091167/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Father of the Bride (1950)

Synopsis: The expanding pressures of his daughter’s impending nuptials force a mild-mannered-but-uptight middle-class lawyer to become… slightly grumpy. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The Bride gets the THRILLS! Father gets the BILLS!” 

What Did I Learn?: In 1950, you could apparently rent an orchestra for $85. [To be fair, that’s $948 in 2020 dollars]

You Might Like This Movie If: You know it isn't easy to pull off a successful wedding. 

Really?: 1) What was the point of giving Kay (a very young Elizabeth Taylor) a couple of brothers when neither of them have more than a few lines and we get to know almost nothing about them? Ok, I realize this film is called “Father of the Bride,” but I’m shocked that Stanley (Spencer Tracy) appears to be the only fleshed out character in this film. 2) Ok, Stanley and Ellie had a small, intimate wedding; we get that, but come on - when the wedding planner tells you that you’re going to have to remove furniture and doors from your beloved house in order to accommodate all of the wedding guests, and they’re still going to feel cramped like sardines, go out and rent a fucking banquet hall. 

Rating: I hadn’t seen the Spencer Tracy version of Father of the Bride until this summer, so I naturally compared it to the 1991 Steve Martin remake, which I think is superior in some respects, including the development of other characters (see: “Really?”, #1) Father of the Bride is a very low-key comedy that delivers far more moments of mild amusement than actual laughs (Tracy never completely loses his cool, for instance), but  I liked Tracy’s portrayal of Stanley Banks, and there’s something genuinely charming about this movie. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042451/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_5

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Please click the link to remind my review of Badlands, a flawed but much better treatment of the Charles Starkweather / Caril Fugate spree killings. 

Synopsis: Oliver Stone exposes America’s depraved passion for violent entertainment by making a completely unwatchable cinematic turd that glorifies two horrible human beings. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Director Oliver Stone brings you a bold new look at a country seduced by fame, obsessed by crime and consumed by the media.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The media is like the weather, only it’s man-made weather. 2) Nobody can stop fate, nobody can. 3) You can’t hide from your shadow. 4) It’s pretty hard to beat the king. 5) Repetition works. Repetition works. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see a natural born killer in action. 

Really?: 1) Funny how Mickey and Mallory enjoy a world-wide cult following (which is ridiculous in itself), but they’re able to drive through the Southwestern US murdering cops and civilians alike without encountering too many difficulties. Is there an actual manhunt for these two? 2) I had a bit of trouble believing Mallory would get upset with Mickey for murdering the native shaman after they had iced dozens of innocent victims. 3) So, wait - Mickey and Mallory are both bitten by rattlesnakes, and they’re not only able to drive to a drugstore, but run away when trouble ensues and then get into a standoff with police? 

Rating: Ugh. Much like The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Love and a .45, Natural Born Killers is one of the few films I decided to review even after I abandoned it mid-way through. Honestly, I don’t know where to begin - NBK is pretentious (what’s the deal with all the stock images?), far too long, and loaded with so many bad performances and gratuitously violent images that its simultaneously impossible to take seriously and extremely difficult to stomach. NBK doesn’t work on any level; it fails as a condemnation of American violence because it lionizes Mickey and Mallory and portrays law enforcement as every bit as evil as them; it fails to tell us anything about the lead characters or what makes them tick because the script is cartoonish (Stone himself says one shouldn’t take the film too literally)  and even presents Mallory’s upbringing as a demented TV sitcom; and the film is so ugly that it fails even as entertainment. I cannot recommend this movie. 1/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Possibly. Take a drink any time you find yourself asking: “why am I watching this?” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110632/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000)

Please click the links to read my reviews of a few other Coen Brothers films: Blood Simple, The Big Lebowski, No Country for Old Men, Burn After Reading, The Hudsucker Proxy, Raising Arizona, Miller’s Crossing, True Grit, and The Man Who Wasn’t There. 

Synopsis: Did you ever want to see The Odyssey performed by hillbillies? Today is your lucky day…. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Disenchanted with the daily drudge of crushing rocks on a prison farm in Mississippi, the dapper, silver-tongued Ulysses Everett McGill (George Clooney, The Perfect Storm) busts loose.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, the Devil is a white guy with empty eyes, and a big, hollow voice and he likes to travel with a mean old hound. 2) You can’t display a toad in a fine restaurant. 3) Jesus saves, but George “Babyface” Nelson withdraws. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you always wanted to see ancient Greek stories come to life without any ancient Greeks. 

Really?: 1) Gee….what are the odds of the State of Mississippi treating a chain gang of prisoners to an afternoon matinee at the local matinee in the early 1930s? Even better, what are the odds of Pete (John Turturro playing against type) not only being a member of that extremely lucky chain gang, but arriving shortly after Everett and Delmar decided to catch a flick, and then ordered by the guard to sit just a few rows behind his fellow partners in crime?   Now that’s a coinky-dink! 2) Did I miss something? How did Homer Stokes know the Soggy Bottom Boys were escaped convicts, or that Tommy had sold his soul to the Devil? 

Rating: O Brother Where Art Thou is a uniquely original - and humorous - retelling of Homer’s classic tale, and well worth checking out, even if you aren’t a fan of bluegrass music. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0190590/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Christmas in July (1940)

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues when world’s most gullible captain of industry rewards cocksure-but-untalented hack for developing possibly the worst slogan in the history of marketing. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “This madcap 1940 Preston Sturges masterpiece stars Dick Powell as a go-getter clerk in a coffee company who’s fooled into thinking he’s won a $25,000 prize for inventing a sales slogan.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you can’t sleep, it isn’t the coffee. It’s the bunk. [That’s the prize-winning sales slogan, by the way. Jimmy asserts there’s no scientific basis for thinking that coffee prevents one from getting a good night’s sleep, but didn’t the scientific community discover caffeine in the early 19th century? Wouldn’t most ordinary Americans know about the presence of caffeine in coffee in 1940?]

You Might Like This Movie If: The title appeals to you. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” Holy shit, if I have to hear that terrible contest entry one more time, I’m going to snap. Why do different characters repeat it 20 or 30 times? Come to think of it, what’s the deal with all of the unnecessary and grating “hello”s, “goodbye”s and “goodnight”s? Didn’t anyone edit this script before it went into production? 2) Wait, Jimmy works for a rival coffee company when he enters the Maxford House Coffee contest, he announces his success, and there aren’t any repercussions? I’m pretty sure Coca-Cola doesn’t allow its employees to gulp down cans of Pepsi in the lunchroom. 3) I had a bit of trouble believing: a) the Maxford House Coffee company would decide to choose and then announce its new slogan just minutes before the news is scheduled to be broadcast nation-wide, and b) Dr. Maxford would hand over a cheque for $25,000 to Jimmy based solely on a telegram anyone could have sent and Jimmy’s self-confidence. 4) So, Jimmy and Betty receive the cheque and immediately go on a spending spree? Wouldn’t it make more sense to take the cheque to his bank, first? 

Rating: Christmas in July is a contrived, but cute little film (literally - it’s only an hour and seven minutes long!) that’s probably best enjoyed as a time capsule from a bygone era. The film delivers a few laughs, and it’s difficult to dislike Jimmy even though he’s rather full of himself, but I have to deduct a few stars for a very abrupt and not terribly satisfying ending. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0032338/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_1

How the West Was Won (1962)

Synopsis: Henry Fonda stars as a rough, tough son-of-a-gun in a super-long Western…no, that’s the Synopsis for Once Upon a Time in the West. Um…. James Stewart is woefully miscast in a role that calls for a much younger man…no, that’s The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Um….Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef appear as a couple of no-good varmints…no, that’s The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Um…  Spencer Tracy lends his talents to a star-studded and rather lengthy adventure filmed in the California desert…no, that’s It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad World. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “3 Academy Awards! The Most Ambitious Western Ever Filmed!” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s a good idea to avoid films that were filmed in Cinerama format, unless you enjoy noticing distracting lines in the centre of the frame. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly watch anything in Cinerama. 

Really?: 1) It’s strange how Cleve (Gregory Peck) is portrayed as a money-hungry cad, yet he fights heroically, and even rescues several people during an Indian attack. I can only imagine writer James Webb wasn’t sure how to portray him. 2) See: “Synopsis”, #2…. James Stewart was an amazing actor, but he’s waaaaaay too old to play Linus Rawlings. Similarly, the scene where Zeb (George Peppard) decides to enlist in the Union Army is ruined by the fact that Peppard is far too old to portray a teenager, and he’s three years older than Carrol Baker, who plays his mom. 3) It’s an epic Western, I get that, but was it really necessary to include footage of the Hoover Dam and the LA freeway system right at the end, just to show off the Cinerama technology? Two hours and 42 minutes is an awfully long flick. 

Rating: How the West Was Won was filmed nearly sixty years ago, and it certainly shows its age. The film is a bit dated, and many would find its subject matter - the settling of the American West to be politically incorrect. Some of it works - I liked Zeb’s story near the end, for instance, and some of  doesn’t - the musical numbers seem especially out of place. I might give this film an extra star if it wasn’t so damned long! 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056085/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Accidental Tourist (1988)

Synopsis: It’s basically two hours of William Hurt moping around Baltimore and two European capitals while Geena Davis and Kathleen Turner are both warm for his form. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Using the Leary system, the Accidental Tourist is ’T’ for terrific.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Even the most disciplined professional traveler may sometimes stumble across that unexpected item he feels he simply must take home. That's fine; as long as one is willing to accept the inconvenience and awkwardness that comes with each additional piece of baggage. 2) A business traveler should bring only what fits in a carry-on bag. Checking your luggage is asking for trouble. - - Add several travel size packets of detergent so you won't fall into the hands of unfamiliar laundries. There are very few necessities in this world which do not come from travel-size packets. - - One suit is plenty, if you take along travel size packets of spot remover. The suit should be medium gray. Gray not only hides the dirt, but is handy for sudden funerals. - - Always bring a book as protection against strangers. Magazines don't last and newspapers from elsewhere remind you, you don't belong. But, don't take more than one book. It is a common mistake to overestimate ones potential free time and consequently overpack. In travel, as in most of life, less is invariably more. - - And most importantly, never take along anything on your journey so valuable or dear, that it's loss would devastate you.

You Might Like This Movie If: you've ever felt like an accidental tourist. 

Really?: 1) Funny how Turner gets second-billing, even though she basically disappears for most of the movie and Davis is on-screen for a much longer period of time. 2) I had a hard time believing Muriel would continue to make passes at Macon even after he rather rudely blows her off on several occasions. I imagine she might have other available suitors. 

Rating: The Accidental Tourist is a slow-moving, but intelligent, well-acted (I’ve never considered Turner to be a great actress until now - she and Hurt deliver some great performances), thought-provoking and occasionally humourous character-driven drama about a man’s attempt to get on with his life after the death of his son and the dissolution of his marriage. Check it out if you’ve ever felt like you were in a rut and needed to make some life changes. 8/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094606/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Unstrung Heroes (1995)

Synopsis: Shy youngster escapes the dreary pressures of his troubled nuclear family by spending lots and lots of time with the batshit crazy uncles he hardly knows. Wait, WTF?!? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Sometimes you find your heroes in the most unlikely places.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) People get trapped in this own history unless someone shows them a way out. 2) There are only eight trustworthy people in the entire world. 3) Everything can be broken down to numbers. Science will be Earth’s salvation. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Michael Richards become unstrung. (No, I'm not posting THAT clip). 

Really?: See: “Synopsis” (And yes, this film is based upon a true story). Seriously, I realize Stephen is quite depressed living with his nuclear family, but I don’t understand why he would run away to live with his uncles. Arthur the hoarder (Maury Chaykin) seems like an odd-but-otherwise loveable weirdo, but Danny (Michael Richards) is an obnoxious, paranoid loon who sees anti-Semitic conspiracies everywhere, barges into Stephen’s school and accuses Stephen’s classmate of being a “young Hitler”, and even insists of changing Stephen’s name to Franz. This is weird, creepy behaviour, yet Stephen and his mom shrug it off, and Stephen somehow becomes more popular at school when he follows Danny’s lead.  

Rating: Unstrung Heroes is best described as an interesting misfire. With such a star-studded cast and rave reviews, I expected something wonderful, but it’s difficult to work with both comedy and tragedy successfully, and Richards’ over-the-top Kramer-esque performance doesn’t really fit the tone of the film. Unstrung Heroes is touching in places, and I liked John Turturro’s performance, but I don’t think I’ll see it again. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114798/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Deadly Companions (1961)

Synopsis: Maureen O’Hara and Brian Keith bicker with each other in this 1961 classic…no, that’s the Synopsis for The Parent Trap. Um… Mysterious dude searches for the man who wronged him years earlier…no, that’s Angel Heart. Um… Grizzled tough guy and respectable, yet hot-tempered lady venture into dangerous territory…no, that’s Rooster Cogburn. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Sam Peckinpah established himself as master of the Western genre with The Deadly Companions, his first film.”

What Did I Learn?: There’s a very good chance that if you carve up a man’s forehead with a Bowie knife without finishing him off, he may seek you out for some payback. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly accept Brian Keith's assistance in a tough situation. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Yellowleg (Keith) mistakenly kills Kit’s (O’Hara) son, and he follows her to Siringo even though she clearly doesn’t want his help? I don’t think that would happen. 2) I hate to sound gruesome, but I imagine the corpse they’re transporting would smell pretty bad after a couple of days of travelling through the desert, and common sense (burying the kid along the trail and then high-tailing it to the nearest town, ASAP) would ultimately prevail. 3) Wait - Turk (Chill Wills) doesn’t remember the man whose face he carved up a few years earlier, even though the man is wearing the remnants of a (Union) Civil War uniform, and Turk was such a Southern partisan that he still dreams of creating his state based on “Indian slave labour?” And ok, I realize Turk and Billy are interested in Yellowleg’s talk of robbing a bank, but I can’t imagine why they feel compelled to accept him as the leader of their group, or follow him when he tries to assist Kit. 

Rating: I understand that neither O’Hara nor Peckinpah were all that fond of The Deadly Companions (or each other, for that matter), and I can see why - it’s a somewhat compelling Western that’s marred by a terrible musical score, and a narrative that becomes increasingly difficult to take seriously as Yellowleg and Kit make their way to Siringo. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054795/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Moon Over Parador (1988)

Synopsis: Richard Dreyfus overacts his way through highly-contrived, long-forgotten late-1980s comedy. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Welcome to Parador: The Dictator’s cold, the First Lady’s hot, the people are revolting. And Jack Noah just got the role of his life.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, Sammy Davis Jr. would perform for anyone, as long as he received a big cheque. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Richard Dreyfus serve the interests of giant US corporations.

Really?: 1) So, everyone in this fictional Latin American nation speaks English as a first language, albeit with a Spanish accent. 2) Funny how everyone in Parador refers to their glorious leader as “The Dictator.” 3) Damn…how did I know that the local American businessman played by Jonathan Winters would wind up being the local CIA agent? 4) I think the ending could have used a re-write; up until the point when he burns the peasant village to the ground, we aren't entirely sure if Roberto (Raul Julia) is a villain or just a loveable rogue. Had screenplay writer Leon Capetanos (the story was based upon Charles Booth's The Magnificent Fraud, which was later re-used for Dave) chosen the latter option, he could have made Roberto the Dictator's successor, which would have allowed Jack and Madonna (Sonia Braga) to start a new life together. 

Rating: See: “Synopsis.” Meh. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095654/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mallrats (1995)

Synopsis: It’s basically Clerks with a multi-million dollar budget and a largely unnecessary plot. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They’re not there to shop. They’re not there to work. They’re just there.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The customer is always an asshole. 2) When a girl says it’s a good size, that’s a nice way of saying it’s too small. 3) Breakfasts come and go. 4) Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn for Sega. 5) EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. 6) Apparently, you CAN strike a prisoner in police custody, as long as you make it quick. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You firmly believe the mall has it all! 

Really?: It’s nice to know that the late Stan Lee was open to providing relationship advice to teenagers he didn’t know between comic book signings. 

Rating: Mallrats is an enjoyable buddy comedy that delivers a few decent laughs, but it’s largely a disappointing rehash of Clerks  featuring a few too many unlikeable characters for my taste. Check it out if you’re either a Shannon Doherty or Kevin Smith completist. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113749/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Benny Hill's Video Spotlight (1985)

Synopsis: It’s 120 minutes of scantly-clad young women slapping dirty old men as Yakety Sax, Gimme Dat Ding, Mah Na Mah Na, and Resurrection Shuffle play in the background. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Welcome to the crazy world of Benny Hill - America’s best-loved British comedian - in some of his finest, most madcap skits and sketches that brought him the love and acclaim of an audience around the world.” 

What Did I Learn?: There’s at least a 95% chance Jackie Wright (aka the little old bald guy) will get his head smacked if he appears in a sketch. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'd like to learn a bit more about British history. 

Really?: Ok, I realize Benny Hill was the star of the show, but it strikes me as a bit odd that he not only appears in EVERY SINGLE skit, but he’s also the protagonist with the most air time. 

Rating: While modern audiences may sneer at The Benny Hill Show for being dated, sexist and unsophisticated fare (which is a bit unfair, considering it’s tame by today’s standards), I rather enjoyed Hill’s silly and good-natured humour as a teenager, and this video made me laugh more than a few times. Admittedly, some of the skits don’t work that well (which isn’t unusual for a sketch comedy program), but I would gladly take two hours of Benny Hill’s lamest material from the early 1970s before I’d sit through an entire episode of Saturday Night Live, circa 2020. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063869/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Scratch (2001)

Synopsis: It’s basically 92 minutes of casually-dressed young men scratching records, producing mostly atonal music and patting themselves on the back. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “SCRATCH is an exhilarating film that explores the world of the hip-hop DJ.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you find the remains of a mummified bat buried under your collection of thousands of records, and your basement has taken on a gaseous odour from all of that vinyl, it might be time to do a little decluttering… just sayin’. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to learn more about scratching.

Really?: 1) Damn…take a drink any time a DJ reveals he was heavily influenced by Herbie Hancock’s Rockit. 2) I hate to say this, as I consider myself to be a rap fan, but much (not all, but much) of the “music” these guys produce on this film sounds like a lot of chaotic, random noise.  

Rating: I was hoping to like Scratch a bit more than I did. While the film manages to interview a number of famous and influential DJs (I have to wonder, though, why neither Jam Master Jay nor DJ Jazzy Jeff were included) it doesn’t provide much analysis or information, so Scratch more-or-less fails as a documentary. Scratch is certainly watchable, but it’s also breezy and somewhat forgettable. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0143861/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Crooklyn (1994)

Please click the links to read a few other reviews about movies set in Brooklyn, NY: Blue in the Face, Smoke, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, The Flamingo Kid, A Brooklyn State of Mind, We Own the Night, Brooklyn’s Finest, Brooklyn Rules, Borough of Kings / Brooklyn Sonnet, Brooklyn Lobster, Clockers, and Straight Out of Brooklyn. 

Synopsis: Director Spike Lee fondly reminisces about his childhood….which apparently consisted of one huge screaming fight after another. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A new laugh from the old neighbourhood”

What Did I Learn?: You can either own a miniature dog, or a fold-out couch, but it’s a bad idea to own both. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're deeply nostalgic for 1973.

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” Holy shit, was Troy or her cousin responsible for that poor creature’s horrible death? It’s never made entirely clear, but neither one of them liked the dog, and they didn’t seem terribly upset by its grotesque demise. Killing an innocent animal (if that’s what actually happened) is seriously psychotic. 2) Funny how Carolyn’s cancer and subsequent passing are introduced right at the end of the film, and up until that point we’re never given any sense that she might be ill. 3) See: “Synopsis.” Wow….take a drink any time a scene descends into chaos, and everybody starts shouting. 4) Wait, did Lee and his siblings seriously sing along to the Partridge Family? I spent my formative years in the 1970s, and even back then I thought that show was the lamest thing ever to appear on television. 

Rating: Crooklyn received some rave reviews after it debuted in 1994, so I was hoping it would be a warm, poignant, and loving snapshot in time. Sure, the film includes a few tender moments, and I have to credit both Delroy Lindo and Alfre Woodard for outstanding performances, but Crooklyn is difficult to watch, simply because it’s essentially a series of barely-connected vignettes that mostly end in shouting matches, and it’s populated with characters who are often cruel, violent, mean-spirited and selfish. This movie might have worked if Lee had focused more on Delroy’s character - the kind-hearted but frustrated musician who has to follow his own path, rather than those obnoxious kids. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109504/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011)

Synopsis: Stuffy public servant and go-getter consultant fall in love… while they facilitate a hereditary dictator’s desire to throw precious resources at a grandiose scheme that involves introducing an alien species into his country’s fragile ecosystem. 

Blurb From imdb.com: “A fisheries expert is approached by a consultant to help realize a sheik's vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to the desert and embarks on an upstream journey of faith and fish to prove the impossible possible."

What Did I Learn?: 1) a manned mission to Mars is theoretically possible. 2) Anglers are obsessive crazies. 3) A P45 is the official document given to an employee when his services are no longer required by his or her employer. 4) Apparently, fishing is a lot like religion…. This is never really explained or explored beyond a superficial level, but everyone agrees with it. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You get very emotional about salmon. 

Really?: Gee…is spending billions of oil dollars on a plan to divert water into a long-dead river and introduce a non-native species really a wise or responsible investment? The Sheikh claims near the end that it was never about satisfying his desire to fly-fish for salmon, so couldn’t he have at least chosen another species better suited for the country? Along the same lines, it’s also odd that the team manages to hire the engineers who designed the much-maligned Three Gorges Dam in China, and nobody thinks to provide any critical commentary about that project. 

Rating: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen is a nice little romantic comedy, and….that’s about as far as it goes. This film could have been a lot funnier, and a truly biting political satire if it wasn’t cowed by modern-day political correctness (for example, the Sheikh is willing to throw billions of dollars away on a ridiculous vanity project, yet he’s portrayed as a benign purveyor of New Age psychobabble, rather than an egomaniacal narcissist), and if it didn’t make the absurd storyline secondary to the predictable romance that develops between Dr. Jones (McGregor) and Harriet (Emily Blunt).  7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1441952/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Beyond the Mind's Eye (1993)

Synopsis: Um….it’s 45 minutes of dated computer imagery accompanied by bad early-1990s synth-pop. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “BEYOND is a surreal voyage bridging the gap between reality and imagination.” 

What Did I Learn?: Look within your dreams! They can take you beyond the mind’s eye! 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to take an easy listening acid trip. 

Really?: See: “Synopsis.” 

Rating: It’s a bit difficult to review Beyond the Mind’s Eye, considering there’s no story, no characters, and only two lines of dialogue - one of which you’ll find in the “What Did I Learn?” section. Some of the film’s 11 animated vignettes are still quite visually stunning, but the CGI effects that wowed audiences in 1993 are a little crude by 2020 standards. For me though, the biggest disappointment is the  irritating soundtrack from Jan Hammer, the man who gave Miami Vice its amazing and distinctive musical score. I guess Hammer did his best work in the 1980s. Meh. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167046/?ref_=fn_tt_tt_1

Tough Guys (1986)

Please click the links to read my reviews of two other pairings of Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster: Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, and Seven Days in May. 

Synopsis: Silver screen legends Douglas and Lancaster re-team one last time to sleepwalk their way through a highly-contrived, poorly written and largely forgettable caper comedy. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Screen giants Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas star in this upbeat, action-packed comedy adventure.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The Gold Coast Flyer weighs 70 tons. 2) Surrender’s for wimps! 3) You can’t go throwing yogurt into everyone’s faces when you lose your cool.

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Janet Jackson's strangest music video. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, there’s something wrong when you have Burt Lancaster cracking one-liners and you have DANA CARVEY playing a thankless straight-man role. 2) So, wait - Archie and Harry - two elderly ex-cons -  foil a bank robbery on their first day out of prison, and it doesn’t make the evening news? 3) Maybe I missed something, but why are Archie and Harry on parole, exactly? They were sentenced to thirty years in the slammer (which seems like an awfully long sentence, considering they didn’t hurt anyone), and they served their time. 4) How do Archie and Harry keep encountering so many gratuitously nasty people? 5) I’m curious: is money an issue for Archie and Harry? Is the state paying for Harry’s retirement home room? How can Archie afford to buy an Uzi or that loud club suit when he keeps getting fired from crappy minimum wage jobs? 6) Wow… Archie and Harry are released from prison exactly one week before the Gold Coast Flyer makes its final run, and they’re fortunate enough to catch that bit of news in time. 7) Obviously, it’s ridiculous to see a couple of unarmed senior citizens beat up and terrify a bunch of street punks, but let’s ask a couple of deeper questions about that scene… have multi-ethnic street gangs ever really existed outside of Hollywood productions? And does anyone seriously think that an LA street gang would be armed with switchblades, circa 1986? 

Rating: I hadn’t watched Tough Guys since the early 1990s, and I somehow remembered it being a lot funnier. While it’s nice that Douglas and Lancaster made one final movie together, it’s a shame they chose this turkey. Tough Guys suffers from a number of problems (see: “Synopsis” and “Really?”); the biggest in my mind being that Archie and Harry apparently possess balls of steel. These gents carry themselves with so much confidence that the audience knows they’re never really in any danger, so there’s no emotional payoff when they finally succeed. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092105/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0