How the West Was Won (1962)

Synopsis: Henry Fonda stars as a rough, tough son-of-a-gun in a super-long Western…no, that’s the Synopsis for Once Upon a Time in the West. Um…. James Stewart is woefully miscast in a role that calls for a much younger man…no, that’s The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Um….Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef appear as a couple of no-good varmints…no, that’s The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Um…  Spencer Tracy lends his talents to a star-studded and rather lengthy adventure filmed in the California desert…no, that’s It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad World. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “3 Academy Awards! The Most Ambitious Western Ever Filmed!” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s a good idea to avoid films that were filmed in Cinerama format, unless you enjoy noticing distracting lines in the centre of the frame. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly watch anything in Cinerama. 

Really?: 1) It’s strange how Cleve (Gregory Peck) is portrayed as a money-hungry cad, yet he fights heroically, and even rescues several people during an Indian attack. I can only imagine writer James Webb wasn’t sure how to portray him. 2) See: “Synopsis”, #2…. James Stewart was an amazing actor, but he’s waaaaaay too old to play Linus Rawlings. Similarly, the scene where Zeb (George Peppard) decides to enlist in the Union Army is ruined by the fact that Peppard is far too old to portray a teenager, and he’s three years older than Carrol Baker, who plays his mom. 3) It’s an epic Western, I get that, but was it really necessary to include footage of the Hoover Dam and the LA freeway system right at the end, just to show off the Cinerama technology? Two hours and 42 minutes is an awfully long flick. 

Rating: How the West Was Won was filmed nearly sixty years ago, and it certainly shows its age. The film is a bit dated, and many would find its subject matter - the settling of the American West to be politically incorrect. Some of it works - I liked Zeb’s story near the end, for instance, and some of  doesn’t - the musical numbers seem especially out of place. I might give this film an extra star if it wasn’t so damned long! 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056085/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Accidental Tourist (1988)

Synopsis: It’s basically two hours of William Hurt moping around Baltimore and two European capitals while Geena Davis and Kathleen Turner are both warm for his form. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Using the Leary system, the Accidental Tourist is ’T’ for terrific.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Even the most disciplined professional traveler may sometimes stumble across that unexpected item he feels he simply must take home. That's fine; as long as one is willing to accept the inconvenience and awkwardness that comes with each additional piece of baggage. 2) A business traveler should bring only what fits in a carry-on bag. Checking your luggage is asking for trouble. - - Add several travel size packets of detergent so you won't fall into the hands of unfamiliar laundries. There are very few necessities in this world which do not come from travel-size packets. - - One suit is plenty, if you take along travel size packets of spot remover. The suit should be medium gray. Gray not only hides the dirt, but is handy for sudden funerals. - - Always bring a book as protection against strangers. Magazines don't last and newspapers from elsewhere remind you, you don't belong. But, don't take more than one book. It is a common mistake to overestimate ones potential free time and consequently overpack. In travel, as in most of life, less is invariably more. - - And most importantly, never take along anything on your journey so valuable or dear, that it's loss would devastate you.

You Might Like This Movie If: you've ever felt like an accidental tourist. 

Really?: 1) Funny how Turner gets second-billing, even though she basically disappears for most of the movie and Davis is on-screen for a much longer period of time. 2) I had a hard time believing Muriel would continue to make passes at Macon even after he rather rudely blows her off on several occasions. I imagine she might have other available suitors. 

Rating: The Accidental Tourist is a slow-moving, but intelligent, well-acted (I’ve never considered Turner to be a great actress until now - she and Hurt deliver some great performances), thought-provoking and occasionally humourous character-driven drama about a man’s attempt to get on with his life after the death of his son and the dissolution of his marriage. Check it out if you’ve ever felt like you were in a rut and needed to make some life changes. 8/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094606/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Unstrung Heroes (1995)

Synopsis: Shy youngster escapes the dreary pressures of his troubled nuclear family by spending lots and lots of time with the batshit crazy uncles he hardly knows. Wait, WTF?!? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Sometimes you find your heroes in the most unlikely places.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) People get trapped in this own history unless someone shows them a way out. 2) There are only eight trustworthy people in the entire world. 3) Everything can be broken down to numbers. Science will be Earth’s salvation. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Michael Richards become unstrung. (No, I'm not posting THAT clip). 

Really?: See: “Synopsis” (And yes, this film is based upon a true story). Seriously, I realize Stephen is quite depressed living with his nuclear family, but I don’t understand why he would run away to live with his uncles. Arthur the hoarder (Maury Chaykin) seems like an odd-but-otherwise loveable weirdo, but Danny (Michael Richards) is an obnoxious, paranoid loon who sees anti-Semitic conspiracies everywhere, barges into Stephen’s school and accuses Stephen’s classmate of being a “young Hitler”, and even insists of changing Stephen’s name to Franz. This is weird, creepy behaviour, yet Stephen and his mom shrug it off, and Stephen somehow becomes more popular at school when he follows Danny’s lead.  

Rating: Unstrung Heroes is best described as an interesting misfire. With such a star-studded cast and rave reviews, I expected something wonderful, but it’s difficult to work with both comedy and tragedy successfully, and Richards’ over-the-top Kramer-esque performance doesn’t really fit the tone of the film. Unstrung Heroes is touching in places, and I liked John Turturro’s performance, but I don’t think I’ll see it again. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114798/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Deadly Companions (1961)

Synopsis: Maureen O’Hara and Brian Keith bicker with each other in this 1961 classic…no, that’s the Synopsis for The Parent Trap. Um… Mysterious dude searches for the man who wronged him years earlier…no, that’s Angel Heart. Um… Grizzled tough guy and respectable, yet hot-tempered lady venture into dangerous territory…no, that’s Rooster Cogburn. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Sam Peckinpah established himself as master of the Western genre with The Deadly Companions, his first film.”

What Did I Learn?: There’s a very good chance that if you carve up a man’s forehead with a Bowie knife without finishing him off, he may seek you out for some payback. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly accept Brian Keith's assistance in a tough situation. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Yellowleg (Keith) mistakenly kills Kit’s (O’Hara) son, and he follows her to Siringo even though she clearly doesn’t want his help? I don’t think that would happen. 2) I hate to sound gruesome, but I imagine the corpse they’re transporting would smell pretty bad after a couple of days of travelling through the desert, and common sense (burying the kid along the trail and then high-tailing it to the nearest town, ASAP) would ultimately prevail. 3) Wait - Turk (Chill Wills) doesn’t remember the man whose face he carved up a few years earlier, even though the man is wearing the remnants of a (Union) Civil War uniform, and Turk was such a Southern partisan that he still dreams of creating his state based on “Indian slave labour?” And ok, I realize Turk and Billy are interested in Yellowleg’s talk of robbing a bank, but I can’t imagine why they feel compelled to accept him as the leader of their group, or follow him when he tries to assist Kit. 

Rating: I understand that neither O’Hara nor Peckinpah were all that fond of The Deadly Companions (or each other, for that matter), and I can see why - it’s a somewhat compelling Western that’s marred by a terrible musical score, and a narrative that becomes increasingly difficult to take seriously as Yellowleg and Kit make their way to Siringo. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054795/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Moon Over Parador (1988)

Synopsis: Richard Dreyfus overacts his way through highly-contrived, long-forgotten late-1980s comedy. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Welcome to Parador: The Dictator’s cold, the First Lady’s hot, the people are revolting. And Jack Noah just got the role of his life.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, Sammy Davis Jr. would perform for anyone, as long as he received a big cheque. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Richard Dreyfus serve the interests of giant US corporations.

Really?: 1) So, everyone in this fictional Latin American nation speaks English as a first language, albeit with a Spanish accent. 2) Funny how everyone in Parador refers to their glorious leader as “The Dictator.” 3) Damn…how did I know that the local American businessman played by Jonathan Winters would wind up being the local CIA agent? 4) I think the ending could have used a re-write; up until the point when he burns the peasant village to the ground, we aren't entirely sure if Roberto (Raul Julia) is a villain or just a loveable rogue. Had screenplay writer Leon Capetanos (the story was based upon Charles Booth's The Magnificent Fraud, which was later re-used for Dave) chosen the latter option, he could have made Roberto the Dictator's successor, which would have allowed Jack and Madonna (Sonia Braga) to start a new life together. 

Rating: See: “Synopsis.” Meh. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095654/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mallrats (1995)

Synopsis: It’s basically Clerks with a multi-million dollar budget and a largely unnecessary plot. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They’re not there to shop. They’re not there to work. They’re just there.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The customer is always an asshole. 2) When a girl says it’s a good size, that’s a nice way of saying it’s too small. 3) Breakfasts come and go. 4) Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn for Sega. 5) EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. 6) Apparently, you CAN strike a prisoner in police custody, as long as you make it quick. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You firmly believe the mall has it all! 

Really?: It’s nice to know that the late Stan Lee was open to providing relationship advice to teenagers he didn’t know between comic book signings. 

Rating: Mallrats is an enjoyable buddy comedy that delivers a few decent laughs, but it’s largely a disappointing rehash of Clerks  featuring a few too many unlikeable characters for my taste. Check it out if you’re either a Shannon Doherty or Kevin Smith completist. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113749/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Benny Hill's Video Spotlight (1985)

Synopsis: It’s 120 minutes of scantly-clad young women slapping dirty old men as Yakety Sax, Gimme Dat Ding, Mah Na Mah Na, and Resurrection Shuffle play in the background. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Welcome to the crazy world of Benny Hill - America’s best-loved British comedian - in some of his finest, most madcap skits and sketches that brought him the love and acclaim of an audience around the world.” 

What Did I Learn?: There’s at least a 95% chance Jackie Wright (aka the little old bald guy) will get his head smacked if he appears in a sketch. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'd like to learn a bit more about British history. 

Really?: Ok, I realize Benny Hill was the star of the show, but it strikes me as a bit odd that he not only appears in EVERY SINGLE skit, but he’s also the protagonist with the most air time. 

Rating: While modern audiences may sneer at The Benny Hill Show for being dated, sexist and unsophisticated fare (which is a bit unfair, considering it’s tame by today’s standards), I rather enjoyed Hill’s silly and good-natured humour as a teenager, and this video made me laugh more than a few times. Admittedly, some of the skits don’t work that well (which isn’t unusual for a sketch comedy program), but I would gladly take two hours of Benny Hill’s lamest material from the early 1970s before I’d sit through an entire episode of Saturday Night Live, circa 2020. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063869/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Scratch (2001)

Synopsis: It’s basically 92 minutes of casually-dressed young men scratching records, producing mostly atonal music and patting themselves on the back. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “SCRATCH is an exhilarating film that explores the world of the hip-hop DJ.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you find the remains of a mummified bat buried under your collection of thousands of records, and your basement has taken on a gaseous odour from all of that vinyl, it might be time to do a little decluttering… just sayin’. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to learn more about scratching.

Really?: 1) Damn…take a drink any time a DJ reveals he was heavily influenced by Herbie Hancock’s Rockit. 2) I hate to say this, as I consider myself to be a rap fan, but much (not all, but much) of the “music” these guys produce on this film sounds like a lot of chaotic, random noise.  

Rating: I was hoping to like Scratch a bit more than I did. While the film manages to interview a number of famous and influential DJs (I have to wonder, though, why neither Jam Master Jay nor DJ Jazzy Jeff were included) it doesn’t provide much analysis or information, so Scratch more-or-less fails as a documentary. Scratch is certainly watchable, but it’s also breezy and somewhat forgettable. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0143861/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Crooklyn (1994)

Please click the links to read a few other reviews about movies set in Brooklyn, NY: Blue in the Face, Smoke, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, The Flamingo Kid, A Brooklyn State of Mind, We Own the Night, Brooklyn’s Finest, Brooklyn Rules, Borough of Kings / Brooklyn Sonnet, Brooklyn Lobster, Clockers, and Straight Out of Brooklyn. 

Synopsis: Director Spike Lee fondly reminisces about his childhood….which apparently consisted of one huge screaming fight after another. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A new laugh from the old neighbourhood”

What Did I Learn?: You can either own a miniature dog, or a fold-out couch, but it’s a bad idea to own both. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're deeply nostalgic for 1973.

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” Holy shit, was Troy or her cousin responsible for that poor creature’s horrible death? It’s never made entirely clear, but neither one of them liked the dog, and they didn’t seem terribly upset by its grotesque demise. Killing an innocent animal (if that’s what actually happened) is seriously psychotic. 2) Funny how Carolyn’s cancer and subsequent passing are introduced right at the end of the film, and up until that point we’re never given any sense that she might be ill. 3) See: “Synopsis.” Wow….take a drink any time a scene descends into chaos, and everybody starts shouting. 4) Wait, did Lee and his siblings seriously sing along to the Partridge Family? I spent my formative years in the 1970s, and even back then I thought that show was the lamest thing ever to appear on television. 

Rating: Crooklyn received some rave reviews after it debuted in 1994, so I was hoping it would be a warm, poignant, and loving snapshot in time. Sure, the film includes a few tender moments, and I have to credit both Delroy Lindo and Alfre Woodard for outstanding performances, but Crooklyn is difficult to watch, simply because it’s essentially a series of barely-connected vignettes that mostly end in shouting matches, and it’s populated with characters who are often cruel, violent, mean-spirited and selfish. This movie might have worked if Lee had focused more on Delroy’s character - the kind-hearted but frustrated musician who has to follow his own path, rather than those obnoxious kids. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109504/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011)

Synopsis: Stuffy public servant and go-getter consultant fall in love… while they facilitate a hereditary dictator’s desire to throw precious resources at a grandiose scheme that involves introducing an alien species into his country’s fragile ecosystem. 

Blurb From imdb.com: “A fisheries expert is approached by a consultant to help realize a sheik's vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to the desert and embarks on an upstream journey of faith and fish to prove the impossible possible."

What Did I Learn?: 1) a manned mission to Mars is theoretically possible. 2) Anglers are obsessive crazies. 3) A P45 is the official document given to an employee when his services are no longer required by his or her employer. 4) Apparently, fishing is a lot like religion…. This is never really explained or explored beyond a superficial level, but everyone agrees with it. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You get very emotional about salmon. 

Really?: Gee…is spending billions of oil dollars on a plan to divert water into a long-dead river and introduce a non-native species really a wise or responsible investment? The Sheikh claims near the end that it was never about satisfying his desire to fly-fish for salmon, so couldn’t he have at least chosen another species better suited for the country? Along the same lines, it’s also odd that the team manages to hire the engineers who designed the much-maligned Three Gorges Dam in China, and nobody thinks to provide any critical commentary about that project. 

Rating: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen is a nice little romantic comedy, and….that’s about as far as it goes. This film could have been a lot funnier, and a truly biting political satire if it wasn’t cowed by modern-day political correctness (for example, the Sheikh is willing to throw billions of dollars away on a ridiculous vanity project, yet he’s portrayed as a benign purveyor of New Age psychobabble, rather than an egomaniacal narcissist), and if it didn’t make the absurd storyline secondary to the predictable romance that develops between Dr. Jones (McGregor) and Harriet (Emily Blunt).  7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1441952/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Beyond the Mind's Eye (1993)

Synopsis: Um….it’s 45 minutes of dated computer imagery accompanied by bad early-1990s synth-pop. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “BEYOND is a surreal voyage bridging the gap between reality and imagination.” 

What Did I Learn?: Look within your dreams! They can take you beyond the mind’s eye! 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to take an easy listening acid trip. 

Really?: See: “Synopsis.” 

Rating: It’s a bit difficult to review Beyond the Mind’s Eye, considering there’s no story, no characters, and only two lines of dialogue - one of which you’ll find in the “What Did I Learn?” section. Some of the film’s 11 animated vignettes are still quite visually stunning, but the CGI effects that wowed audiences in 1993 are a little crude by 2020 standards. For me though, the biggest disappointment is the  irritating soundtrack from Jan Hammer, the man who gave Miami Vice its amazing and distinctive musical score. I guess Hammer did his best work in the 1980s. Meh. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167046/?ref_=fn_tt_tt_1

Tough Guys (1986)

Please click the links to read my reviews of two other pairings of Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster: Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, and Seven Days in May. 

Synopsis: Silver screen legends Douglas and Lancaster re-team one last time to sleepwalk their way through a highly-contrived, poorly written and largely forgettable caper comedy. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Screen giants Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas star in this upbeat, action-packed comedy adventure.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The Gold Coast Flyer weighs 70 tons. 2) Surrender’s for wimps! 3) You can’t go throwing yogurt into everyone’s faces when you lose your cool.

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Janet Jackson's strangest music video. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, there’s something wrong when you have Burt Lancaster cracking one-liners and you have DANA CARVEY playing a thankless straight-man role. 2) So, wait - Archie and Harry - two elderly ex-cons -  foil a bank robbery on their first day out of prison, and it doesn’t make the evening news? 3) Maybe I missed something, but why are Archie and Harry on parole, exactly? They were sentenced to thirty years in the slammer (which seems like an awfully long sentence, considering they didn’t hurt anyone), and they served their time. 4) How do Archie and Harry keep encountering so many gratuitously nasty people? 5) I’m curious: is money an issue for Archie and Harry? Is the state paying for Harry’s retirement home room? How can Archie afford to buy an Uzi or that loud club suit when he keeps getting fired from crappy minimum wage jobs? 6) Wow… Archie and Harry are released from prison exactly one week before the Gold Coast Flyer makes its final run, and they’re fortunate enough to catch that bit of news in time. 7) Obviously, it’s ridiculous to see a couple of unarmed senior citizens beat up and terrify a bunch of street punks, but let’s ask a couple of deeper questions about that scene… have multi-ethnic street gangs ever really existed outside of Hollywood productions? And does anyone seriously think that an LA street gang would be armed with switchblades, circa 1986? 

Rating: I hadn’t watched Tough Guys since the early 1990s, and I somehow remembered it being a lot funnier. While it’s nice that Douglas and Lancaster made one final movie together, it’s a shame they chose this turkey. Tough Guys suffers from a number of problems (see: “Synopsis” and “Really?”); the biggest in my mind being that Archie and Harry apparently possess balls of steel. These gents carry themselves with so much confidence that the audience knows they’re never really in any danger, so there’s no emotional payoff when they finally succeed. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092105/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The FBI Story (1959)

Dang - this film, and The Cheyenne Social Club would have been perfect for my 2015 tribute to James Stewart! 

Synopsis: Good old Jimmy Stewart attempts to humanize an unaccountable, and sometimes-dangerous organ of the Deep State. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “35 years of crimebusting with G-man James Stewart!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) If a communist spy leaves his apartment on a Sunday morning, you can be pretty sure he’s not going to church! 2) Craftiness can solve many a criminal case, but with hoodlums you sometimes need a good conscientious, hard-working machine gun.

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to hear some questionable stories from the FBI. 

Really?: 1) I’m curious - why in the world would Mario get up and yell “Hey Amigos” at the oncoming soldiers? Any sensible person would keep his head down, his mouth shut, and get the fuck out of Dodge. 2) So, Lucy wants Chip to leave the Bureau….and then she doesn’t… and then she does again… and then she leaves Chip because she can’t stand worrying about his safety, but she later returns to him, problem unresolved. And then we’re treated to the same melodramatic anguish when her son enlists in the Marines. Oh, the melodrama!! 3) Speaking of which, was it really necessary to blast the Marine Corps hymn not once, not twice, but three times? 4) Oh wow…even in 1959, this film defends the internment of Japanese Americans (and some German ex pats), even though nearly all of them were law-abiding citizens. 

Rating: Stewart does his best to carry this picture, but The FBI Story is essentially propaganda with a capital P - it even features a cameo appearance from the real J. Edgar Hoover! Bias aside, The FBI Story is also far too long and weighted down by a lot of pointless and repetitive scenes involving Chip’s family and some absolutely terrible dialogue. Still, the actual case work vignettes are quite compelling, so it does have some redeeming features. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052792/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Badlands (1973)

Please click the link to read my review of True Romance, which was heavily influenced by this film. 

Synopsis: It’s a classic small town 1950s American love story in the tradition of  Grease or Footloose… good-looking young guy from the wrong side of the tracks falls for good girl, her old-fashioned father disapproves, so he wins her love by…icing the son-of-a-bitch and going on a cross-country killing spree?!?! WTF?!?! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “In 1959, Kit (Martin Sheen), who has killed several people, and his new girlfriend Holly (Sissy Spacek), who watched him do it, are adrift in a double fantasy of crime and punishment across South Dakota and Montana.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Salt grass tastes a lot like cabbage. 2) Everybody loves trout! 3) Listen to your parents and teachers. They got a line on most things, so don't treat em like enemies. There's always an outside chance you can learn something. Try to keep an open mind. Try to understand the viewpoints of others. Consider the minority opinion. But try to get along with the majority of opinion once it's accepted. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've committed a serious crime, and you're looking to escape to Montana('s). 

Really?: 1) This film is based upon the real-life murder spree committed by Charles Starkweather sea Caril Ann Fugate, so I’m a little reluctant to criticize its credibility. Still, I was shocked when Kit murders Holly’s dad, and she barely reacts; later, he whacks his buddy Cato (who seems content to lay in bed and slowly bleed to death as he tells Holly all about his pet spider), as well as a nice young couple, and Holly doesn’t seem to care. None of these people seem terribly real. 2) Gee…. Kit and Holly look awfully clean and tidy, even though they spend the bulk of this movie living in cars and tree houses without too many changes of clothing, don’t they? 

Rating: I have to give Badlands a very mixed review; the film features some beautiful cinematography of the American West, both Sheen and Spacek deliver incredibly well-acted performances, and I quite enjoyed its strange musical score of selections from Carl Orff’s Musica Poetica. In some ways, Badlands is an impressive picture, but Writer/Director Terrence Malick really drops the ball by never revealing Holly or Kit’s motivations, or developing their characters (see: "Really?") Were either of them physically or sexually abused? Why is Holly’s dad so ridiculously overprotective of her? Did Kit simply snap when he shot Holly’s father, or was he always a violent sociopath? Who are these people? By the end, I possessed no better understanding of either Kit and Holly than I did at the beginning, and I certainly didn’t feel any need to care about them. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069762/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_3

The Cheyenne Social Club (1970)

Synopsis: America’s favourite old farts run beloved bordello into the ground. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “With a wink, a nod and a bullet and lovely lovely Shirley Jones and Sue Ann Langdon as co-stars, The Cheyenne Social Club welcomes you to a West that’s as affable as its two stars and as spirited as its renowned producer-director: Gene Kelly.” 

What Did I Learn?: There’s no higher measure of success than to be a Republican businessman. 2) A lawyer will only tell you enough to leave you confused. 3) Trouble rides a fast horse. 4) When you spend all day on the plains, with only your horse to talk to, you do a lot of dreaming. 5) It ain’t seemly to bring up politics when you’re borrowing money. 6) When a woman’s talking to you, you can be pretty sure she thinks she’s in control. And when she’s not talking to you, you can be pretty certain you’re in control.  

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Jimmy Stewart own and operate a bordello. 

Really?: 1) I have to admit that I don’t really get the friendship between John (James Stewart) and Harley (Henry Fonda); they’ve worked together for ten years, yet when John receives the initial letter, he doesn’t mention anything to his good buddy? He can’t find a private room for Harley in the bordello, and grudgingly lends him a few dollars? Meanwhile, Harley hears that John is in a fistfight, and doesn’t go to his aid? None of that sounds right. 2) Funny how the Cheyenne Social Club houses six prostitutes, but only Jenny (Jones) is given much of a personality. 3) I’m still shaking my head over this film’s truly lacklustre ending [Spoiler Alert!]… John signs the establishment over to Jenny, and then he and Harley hightail it back to Texas to avoid another gunfight. Aren’t John and Harley getting a little old to still be working as cowboys? Weren’t John and Jenny starting to fall in love? Couldn’t John have sold the club to Jenny, and then opened up a saloon in Cheyenne? 

Rating: The Cheyenne Social Club is an amiable, good-natured Stewart / Fonda buddy picture that isn’t entirely sure if it’s a comedy or a Western, so it tries to be both but doesn’t entirely succeed as either. It’s hard to dislike The Cheyenne Social Club - it’s fun to watch Stewart and Fonda bicker with each other, but the story never really goes anywhere, and I doubt that I’ll remember much of it a few months from now. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065542/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Ramblin Man (1979) and Ramblin Man 2 (1981) / aka "Concrete Cowboys"

“Twice the Tire Screechin’ Action” - I love it! 

Synopsis: Tom Selleck lives in an absent rich guy’s home, drives the dude’s expensive sports car, and presents himself as a private investigator….wait, that sounds awfully familiar. Um…Jerry Reed plays second banana to good-looking guy with a moustache as they evade a crooked sheriff and rescue a damsel in distress…no, that’s the Synopsis for Smokey and the Bandit. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “RAMBLIN MAN starring Hollywood Hunk Tom Selleck and country legend Jerry Reed is a story of mystery and deception that leads these two wild men into an action packed adventure.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Charm don’t fill your belly. 2) You need more than good looks to make it in the music business. 3) Luxury car dealers are more than happy to lend out their showroom models for the weekend if you promise to purchase five of them on Monday. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're such a Tom Selleck fan, he could even persuade you to take out a reverse mortgage. Wait, what...?!?

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?”, #1. 2) I’m curious…why would anyone call this film “Ramblin Man” (no apostrophe, by the way), when there are two stars? 3) So, Will Ewbanks (Selleck) discovers Lonnie Grimes has an elaborate video taping surveillance system set up in his bedroom, and it’s never used for anything. 4) Reed was a master at delivering glib Southern slang, but boy-howdy, Selleck sure sounds awkward when he recites lines such as: “I’ll give you this, JD, I reckon you could start out with a toothpick and end up with a lumber yard.” 5) So, wait… Will and JD (Reed) drive their borrowed Corvette through the front window of a police station, and the cops let them go? Oh, and the same cops let them go a second time after a local gangster attempts to steal their car and it explodes on him? Even if Lt. Blocker doesn’t think they’re guilty of anything, wouldn’t he at least hold them for questioning? 

Rating: Ramblin’ Man is a cheesy made-for-TV movie that was one of Tom Selleck’s many unsuccessful pilots before Magnum PI. I’m giving this long-forgotten clunker a barely-passing grade only because I enjoying the bickering interactions between Selleck’s and Reed’s characters. 5.5/10 stars. 

Ramblin Man 2

Synopsis: It’s the further adventures of Will Eubanks and JD Reed, featuring a budget Tom Selleck. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “…this rip-roaring country/action/comedy takes you from Memphis to New Orleans in an adventure of murder and revenge….If you liked Ramblin Man 1 you’ll love Ramblin Man 2!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Deep down, every man wants to be a cowboy. 2) The El Dorado is the best con, ever. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a ramblin' guy. 

Really?: 1) I realize Jerry Reed probably wanted to promote his country music career, and the producers of the show wanted to capitalize on his popularity within that genre, but isn’t a little self-indulgent to eat up maybe 10 or 15 minutes with full-length songs from Reed? Heck, they even played the same song twice, and showed flashback clips from the earlier half of the episode! 2) I could point out any number of plot holes, convenient coincidences, etc, but I’ll only mention a couple… villain Red Asher (Charles Napier) attempts to have Will kidnapped as an insurance policy in his dealings with JD. Amazingly, JD never thinks to change any details of his elaborate con, which involves Will wearing a phone moustache and playing a wealthy investor in front of Red. That makes no sense. Similarly, I was flabbergasted to learn that the El Dorado con essentially hinges on switching the mark’s money with an identical suitcase filled with counterfeit cash using a fast-turning round table. Really? What if the mark insists on leaning his elbows on the table? What if he didn’t transport the cash in the black suitcase JD noticed in Mississippi? What if Red or one of his goons didn’t fall for the distraction and noticed the rotation of the table? 

Rating: Ramblin Man 2 was the first episode (“El Dorado”) of the short-lived TV series Concrete Cowboys that was made without Tom Selleck and nearly two years after Ramblin Man aired. Reed is still a funny and charming Southern good ole boy, but the story is contrived, poorly-written fluff (see: “Really?”), and there’s no real chemistry between Reed and Selleck’s replacement, Geoffrey Scott - Will Ewbanks becomes an uninteresting cypher, and a very second fiddle to JD. 3/10 stars. I cannot recommend this movie. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Hell yeah! Take a drink any time you find yourself questioning the logic of the plot. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081845/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

The Losers (2010)

Whoa... this movie was released ten years ago this month.

Synopsis: Calculating crime kingpin “kills” crack commando cadres, commencing clowning, chaos, conflagrations. 

Blurb From imdb.com: “A CIA special forces team are betrayed and left for dead by their superiors, galvanizing them to mount an offensive on the CIA.”

What Did I Learn?: Bolivia is a landlocked country, but it is accessible by amazing cruise ships. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you have a thing for loveable losers. 

Really?: The Losers is an over-the-top action film that’s based on a comic book. I can overlook a lot of obvious contrivances, such as a “green” super-weapon that dematerializes its targets, or the villains landing a private jet on a container-laden dock, but I feel compelled to make the following points: 1) I’m certainly not an elite Special Forces soldier, but I don’t think too many human beings would be able to walk, let alone run or climb shortly after getting shot in both legs. 2) Um, what was the point of that completely gratuitous hotel fight scene between Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Aisha that ends up destroying the hotel? To prove that a 100-pound hot chick can hold her own against a grizzled guy who fights for a living? 3) So, wait - Aisha strongly suspects Clay murdered her father, and….she sleeps with him anyway? WTF? 4) It’s sort-of amusing to see Max murder his employees (including a female valet who makes the mistaking of allowing a gust of wind to momentarily prevent her from covering Max’s head with an umbrella), but seriously, who would work for such a psychopath? 

Rating: If you liked The A-Team, you’ll probably enjoy The Losers, as the former was an obvious influence upon the latter. The film has some big credibility issues (see: “Really?”), but it’s fine for an evening’s entertainment if you’re in the mood for explosions and one-liners. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480255/?ref_=rvi_tt

Be Kind Rewind (2008)

Synopsis: Low-income urban community rallies around two of the the worst filmmakers since Ed Wood. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “You name it, we shoot it.” 

What Did I Learn?: The line: “I will piss on the bones of your ancestors” was not in the Lion King movie. 

You Might Like This Movie If: Ghostbusters is one of your favourite films, and you've always wanted to see it reimagined and reenacted.

Really?: 1) Be Kind Rewind is a rather goofy comedy, so maybe I can overlook Jerry (Jack Black) getting electrocuted, and instead of dying a horrible death, he merely becomes conveniently magnetized in the first act. That said, I was a bit dismayed that Jerry’s magnetization could be cured by taking a super-long piss, and that his long-standing fear of the nearby power plant is completely forgotten soon afterwards. 2) I had a bit of a hard time believing the movie studios would read Jerry and Mike (Mos Def) the riot act when it’s pretty clear the two of them created low-budget parodies (parodies are generally protected under copyright law, so they would at least have a valid legal argument in court), and going after them would likely generate a lot of bad publicity. 

Rating: I recently viewed Be Kind Rewind for the first time in ten years, and I have to admit that I remembered very little of it. Overall, it’s a warm and good-natured comedy that delivers several good laughs, even though most of its humour is fairly low-key. Much like “Weird” Al Yankovic’s cult classic UHF, the best parts of Be Kind Rewind are the sketches when Jerry and Mike “swede” other famous movies, yet the main narrative is a bit lacklustre. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799934/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Father Goose (1964)

Synopsis: French schoolmarm, seven precocious brats, the Empire of Japan and the British Navy all conspire to ruin a harmless drunk’s already meagre existence. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Cary Grant stars in one of his funniest roles as a boozy beachcomber sitting out WWII in peace - until the Allies recruit him to be a lookout on the South Pacific isle.”

What Did I Learn?: The English word for parachute is….parachute. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you really want to see Father Goose finally snap. 

Really?: 1) So let’s see….Catherine and her girls shove Walter out of his hut, eat his food and hide his precious booze, and the worst thing he does is grumble? I have a funny feeling a real-life alcoholic going through withdrawal symptoms wouldn’t be so nice and accommodating. 2) It’s bad enough there was a 27-year age difference between Grant and Caron, but the “romance” that develops between Catherine and Walter is so perfunctory that it almost seems slapped-on. 

Rating: Cary Grant plays against type (if you’re expecting the suave and sophisticated proto-James Bond he portrayed in North By Northwest and Charade, you’re in for a surprise), as a filthy, disheveled and not-terribly-gregarious boozehound, and it works. Father Goose is a funny, suspenseful, and oddly charming adventure-comedy, although the inevitable and obligatory love story between Walter and Catherine isn’t handled well. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058092/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Joe (1970)

Synopsis: If you ever wanted to see Raymond’s dad play a violent, whacked-out-of-his-mind version of Archie Bunker and ice a bunch of hippies, this is your movie! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “THE SHARED DISTRUST OF ‘HIPPIE YOUTHS’ LEADS FACTORY WORKER JOE CURRAN (PETER BOYLE) AND ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE BILL COMPTON (DENNIS PATRICK) TO BECOME FRIENDS.” [For reasons unknown, nearly every word on this jacket is spelled out in capital letters]

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, the 1968 George Wallace for President campaign commissioned a survey on the sexual preferences of American liberals. 2) If you’ve just committed a murder, it’s a really bad idea to openly discuss it afterwards. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you enjoy hearing Joe spout off about politics and culture. 

Really?: 1) I had a great deal of trouble believing Bill and Joe would form any sort of friendship, in part because of the yawning gap between each man’s socio-economic status, but mostly because it’s pretty obvious Joe is off his rocker. 2) Speaking of the friendship that forms between Bill and Joe, why in the world would Bill admit to killing his daughter’s drug-dealing boyfriend to a complete stranger (see: “What Did I Learn?”)? And isn’t it convenient how Melissa (Susan Sarandon in a very early role) somehow manages to overhear her Dad admit to the dirty deed? 3) So, Bill and Joe hate hippies and the counter-culture, but nevertheless take part in a drug-fuelled orgy? I didn’t buy that scene at all. 

Rating: Joe is an unpleasant, contrived, and dated low-budget melodrama with a questionable message: hippies are pretty awful people, but anyone who openly opposes the 1960s counterculture is a latently violent crypto-fascist. Joe isn’t my cup of tea, but I will give it a few stars for an exceptional tour-de-force performance from Boyle, who somehow manages to make Joe human and relatable, even when he says some terrible things. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely! Take a drink any time you find yourself thinking: “Bill, you don’t have to do this…go home, dude.” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065916/?ref_=fn_al_tt_3

Bad Boys (1983)

Just to be clear: this is NOT the 1995 Bad Boys starring Will Smith and Lawrence Martin. 

Synopsis: Jeff Spicoli goes to jail! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “On the mean streets of Chicago, Mick O’Brien (Sean Penn) plays by the rules - the wrong rules.” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s possible for a tough guy to carry the nickname “Tweety.”

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Sean Penn play a violent, antisocial douchebag. 

Really?: 1) So, wait… the prison authorities know that Mick and Paco (Esai Morales) hate, and will likely attempt to kill each other, but they send them to the same youth prison for an indefinite term because there’s no room downstate? Why couldn’t they swap Paco for a prisoner in another facility, even one in neighbouring Wisconsin? 2) Honestly, I’m surprised Horowitz (Eric Gurry) wasn’t murdered after his first week in the slammer. 

Rating: I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised when I sat down to watch Bad Boys last weekend. I expected something akin to an After-School Special, but the film works both as a thriller and as a gritty prison drama. My only real complaint - and it is a big one - is that while Penn is clearly a talented actor, his character Mick O’Brien isn’t a terribly sympathetic or interesting protagonist. Mick never really shows any remorse for his crimes, so I have to wonder what sort of man he would become after his release from juvie. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085210/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt