The FBI Story (1959)

Dang - this film, and The Cheyenne Social Club would have been perfect for my 2015 tribute to James Stewart! 

Synopsis: Good old Jimmy Stewart attempts to humanize an unaccountable, and sometimes-dangerous organ of the Deep State. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “35 years of crimebusting with G-man James Stewart!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) If a communist spy leaves his apartment on a Sunday morning, you can be pretty sure he’s not going to church! 2) Craftiness can solve many a criminal case, but with hoodlums you sometimes need a good conscientious, hard-working machine gun.

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to hear some questionable stories from the FBI. 

Really?: 1) I’m curious - why in the world would Mario get up and yell “Hey Amigos” at the oncoming soldiers? Any sensible person would keep his head down, his mouth shut, and get the fuck out of Dodge. 2) So, Lucy wants Chip to leave the Bureau….and then she doesn’t… and then she does again… and then she leaves Chip because she can’t stand worrying about his safety, but she later returns to him, problem unresolved. And then we’re treated to the same melodramatic anguish when her son enlists in the Marines. Oh, the melodrama!! 3) Speaking of which, was it really necessary to blast the Marine Corps hymn not once, not twice, but three times? 4) Oh wow…even in 1959, this film defends the internment of Japanese Americans (and some German ex pats), even though nearly all of them were law-abiding citizens. 

Rating: Stewart does his best to carry this picture, but The FBI Story is essentially propaganda with a capital P - it even features a cameo appearance from the real J. Edgar Hoover! Bias aside, The FBI Story is also far too long and weighted down by a lot of pointless and repetitive scenes involving Chip’s family and some absolutely terrible dialogue. Still, the actual case work vignettes are quite compelling, so it does have some redeeming features. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052792/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Badlands (1973)

Please click the link to read my review of True Romance, which was heavily influenced by this film. 

Synopsis: It’s a classic small town 1950s American love story in the tradition of  Grease or Footloose… good-looking young guy from the wrong side of the tracks falls for good girl, her old-fashioned father disapproves, so he wins her love by…icing the son-of-a-bitch and going on a cross-country killing spree?!?! WTF?!?! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “In 1959, Kit (Martin Sheen), who has killed several people, and his new girlfriend Holly (Sissy Spacek), who watched him do it, are adrift in a double fantasy of crime and punishment across South Dakota and Montana.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Salt grass tastes a lot like cabbage. 2) Everybody loves trout! 3) Listen to your parents and teachers. They got a line on most things, so don't treat em like enemies. There's always an outside chance you can learn something. Try to keep an open mind. Try to understand the viewpoints of others. Consider the minority opinion. But try to get along with the majority of opinion once it's accepted. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've committed a serious crime, and you're looking to escape to Montana('s). 

Really?: 1) This film is based upon the real-life murder spree committed by Charles Starkweather sea Caril Ann Fugate, so I’m a little reluctant to criticize its credibility. Still, I was shocked when Kit murders Holly’s dad, and she barely reacts; later, he whacks his buddy Cato (who seems content to lay in bed and slowly bleed to death as he tells Holly all about his pet spider), as well as a nice young couple, and Holly doesn’t seem to care. None of these people seem terribly real. 2) Gee…. Kit and Holly look awfully clean and tidy, even though they spend the bulk of this movie living in cars and tree houses without too many changes of clothing, don’t they? 

Rating: I have to give Badlands a very mixed review; the film features some beautiful cinematography of the American West, both Sheen and Spacek deliver incredibly well-acted performances, and I quite enjoyed its strange musical score of selections from Carl Orff’s Musica Poetica. In some ways, Badlands is an impressive picture, but Writer/Director Terrence Malick really drops the ball by never revealing Holly or Kit’s motivations, or developing their characters (see: "Really?") Were either of them physically or sexually abused? Why is Holly’s dad so ridiculously overprotective of her? Did Kit simply snap when he shot Holly’s father, or was he always a violent sociopath? Who are these people? By the end, I possessed no better understanding of either Kit and Holly than I did at the beginning, and I certainly didn’t feel any need to care about them. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069762/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_3

The Cheyenne Social Club (1970)

Synopsis: America’s favourite old farts run beloved bordello into the ground. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “With a wink, a nod and a bullet and lovely lovely Shirley Jones and Sue Ann Langdon as co-stars, The Cheyenne Social Club welcomes you to a West that’s as affable as its two stars and as spirited as its renowned producer-director: Gene Kelly.” 

What Did I Learn?: There’s no higher measure of success than to be a Republican businessman. 2) A lawyer will only tell you enough to leave you confused. 3) Trouble rides a fast horse. 4) When you spend all day on the plains, with only your horse to talk to, you do a lot of dreaming. 5) It ain’t seemly to bring up politics when you’re borrowing money. 6) When a woman’s talking to you, you can be pretty sure she thinks she’s in control. And when she’s not talking to you, you can be pretty certain you’re in control.  

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Jimmy Stewart own and operate a bordello. 

Really?: 1) I have to admit that I don’t really get the friendship between John (James Stewart) and Harley (Henry Fonda); they’ve worked together for ten years, yet when John receives the initial letter, he doesn’t mention anything to his good buddy? He can’t find a private room for Harley in the bordello, and grudgingly lends him a few dollars? Meanwhile, Harley hears that John is in a fistfight, and doesn’t go to his aid? None of that sounds right. 2) Funny how the Cheyenne Social Club houses six prostitutes, but only Jenny (Jones) is given much of a personality. 3) I’m still shaking my head over this film’s truly lacklustre ending [Spoiler Alert!]… John signs the establishment over to Jenny, and then he and Harley hightail it back to Texas to avoid another gunfight. Aren’t John and Harley getting a little old to still be working as cowboys? Weren’t John and Jenny starting to fall in love? Couldn’t John have sold the club to Jenny, and then opened up a saloon in Cheyenne? 

Rating: The Cheyenne Social Club is an amiable, good-natured Stewart / Fonda buddy picture that isn’t entirely sure if it’s a comedy or a Western, so it tries to be both but doesn’t entirely succeed as either. It’s hard to dislike The Cheyenne Social Club - it’s fun to watch Stewart and Fonda bicker with each other, but the story never really goes anywhere, and I doubt that I’ll remember much of it a few months from now. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065542/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Ramblin Man (1979) and Ramblin Man 2 (1981) / aka "Concrete Cowboys"

“Twice the Tire Screechin’ Action” - I love it! 

Synopsis: Tom Selleck lives in an absent rich guy’s home, drives the dude’s expensive sports car, and presents himself as a private investigator….wait, that sounds awfully familiar. Um…Jerry Reed plays second banana to good-looking guy with a moustache as they evade a crooked sheriff and rescue a damsel in distress…no, that’s the Synopsis for Smokey and the Bandit. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “RAMBLIN MAN starring Hollywood Hunk Tom Selleck and country legend Jerry Reed is a story of mystery and deception that leads these two wild men into an action packed adventure.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Charm don’t fill your belly. 2) You need more than good looks to make it in the music business. 3) Luxury car dealers are more than happy to lend out their showroom models for the weekend if you promise to purchase five of them on Monday. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're such a Tom Selleck fan, he could even persuade you to take out a reverse mortgage. Wait, what...?!?

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?”, #1. 2) I’m curious…why would anyone call this film “Ramblin Man” (no apostrophe, by the way), when there are two stars? 3) So, Will Ewbanks (Selleck) discovers Lonnie Grimes has an elaborate video taping surveillance system set up in his bedroom, and it’s never used for anything. 4) Reed was a master at delivering glib Southern slang, but boy-howdy, Selleck sure sounds awkward when he recites lines such as: “I’ll give you this, JD, I reckon you could start out with a toothpick and end up with a lumber yard.” 5) So, wait… Will and JD (Reed) drive their borrowed Corvette through the front window of a police station, and the cops let them go? Oh, and the same cops let them go a second time after a local gangster attempts to steal their car and it explodes on him? Even if Lt. Blocker doesn’t think they’re guilty of anything, wouldn’t he at least hold them for questioning? 

Rating: Ramblin’ Man is a cheesy made-for-TV movie that was one of Tom Selleck’s many unsuccessful pilots before Magnum PI. I’m giving this long-forgotten clunker a barely-passing grade only because I enjoying the bickering interactions between Selleck’s and Reed’s characters. 5.5/10 stars. 

Ramblin Man 2

Synopsis: It’s the further adventures of Will Eubanks and JD Reed, featuring a budget Tom Selleck. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “…this rip-roaring country/action/comedy takes you from Memphis to New Orleans in an adventure of murder and revenge….If you liked Ramblin Man 1 you’ll love Ramblin Man 2!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Deep down, every man wants to be a cowboy. 2) The El Dorado is the best con, ever. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a ramblin' guy. 

Really?: 1) I realize Jerry Reed probably wanted to promote his country music career, and the producers of the show wanted to capitalize on his popularity within that genre, but isn’t a little self-indulgent to eat up maybe 10 or 15 minutes with full-length songs from Reed? Heck, they even played the same song twice, and showed flashback clips from the earlier half of the episode! 2) I could point out any number of plot holes, convenient coincidences, etc, but I’ll only mention a couple… villain Red Asher (Charles Napier) attempts to have Will kidnapped as an insurance policy in his dealings with JD. Amazingly, JD never thinks to change any details of his elaborate con, which involves Will wearing a phone moustache and playing a wealthy investor in front of Red. That makes no sense. Similarly, I was flabbergasted to learn that the El Dorado con essentially hinges on switching the mark’s money with an identical suitcase filled with counterfeit cash using a fast-turning round table. Really? What if the mark insists on leaning his elbows on the table? What if he didn’t transport the cash in the black suitcase JD noticed in Mississippi? What if Red or one of his goons didn’t fall for the distraction and noticed the rotation of the table? 

Rating: Ramblin Man 2 was the first episode (“El Dorado”) of the short-lived TV series Concrete Cowboys that was made without Tom Selleck and nearly two years after Ramblin Man aired. Reed is still a funny and charming Southern good ole boy, but the story is contrived, poorly-written fluff (see: “Really?”), and there’s no real chemistry between Reed and Selleck’s replacement, Geoffrey Scott - Will Ewbanks becomes an uninteresting cypher, and a very second fiddle to JD. 3/10 stars. I cannot recommend this movie. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Hell yeah! Take a drink any time you find yourself questioning the logic of the plot. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081845/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

The Losers (2010)

Whoa... this movie was released ten years ago this month.

Synopsis: Calculating crime kingpin “kills” crack commando cadres, commencing clowning, chaos, conflagrations. 

Blurb From imdb.com: “A CIA special forces team are betrayed and left for dead by their superiors, galvanizing them to mount an offensive on the CIA.”

What Did I Learn?: Bolivia is a landlocked country, but it is accessible by amazing cruise ships. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you have a thing for loveable losers. 

Really?: The Losers is an over-the-top action film that’s based on a comic book. I can overlook a lot of obvious contrivances, such as a “green” super-weapon that dematerializes its targets, or the villains landing a private jet on a container-laden dock, but I feel compelled to make the following points: 1) I’m certainly not an elite Special Forces soldier, but I don’t think too many human beings would be able to walk, let alone run or climb shortly after getting shot in both legs. 2) Um, what was the point of that completely gratuitous hotel fight scene between Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Aisha that ends up destroying the hotel? To prove that a 100-pound hot chick can hold her own against a grizzled guy who fights for a living? 3) So, wait - Aisha strongly suspects Clay murdered her father, and….she sleeps with him anyway? WTF? 4) It’s sort-of amusing to see Max murder his employees (including a female valet who makes the mistaking of allowing a gust of wind to momentarily prevent her from covering Max’s head with an umbrella), but seriously, who would work for such a psychopath? 

Rating: If you liked The A-Team, you’ll probably enjoy The Losers, as the former was an obvious influence upon the latter. The film has some big credibility issues (see: “Really?”), but it’s fine for an evening’s entertainment if you’re in the mood for explosions and one-liners. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480255/?ref_=rvi_tt

Be Kind Rewind (2008)

Synopsis: Low-income urban community rallies around two of the the worst filmmakers since Ed Wood. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “You name it, we shoot it.” 

What Did I Learn?: The line: “I will piss on the bones of your ancestors” was not in the Lion King movie. 

You Might Like This Movie If: Ghostbusters is one of your favourite films, and you've always wanted to see it reimagined and reenacted.

Really?: 1) Be Kind Rewind is a rather goofy comedy, so maybe I can overlook Jerry (Jack Black) getting electrocuted, and instead of dying a horrible death, he merely becomes conveniently magnetized in the first act. That said, I was a bit dismayed that Jerry’s magnetization could be cured by taking a super-long piss, and that his long-standing fear of the nearby power plant is completely forgotten soon afterwards. 2) I had a bit of a hard time believing the movie studios would read Jerry and Mike (Mos Def) the riot act when it’s pretty clear the two of them created low-budget parodies (parodies are generally protected under copyright law, so they would at least have a valid legal argument in court), and going after them would likely generate a lot of bad publicity. 

Rating: I recently viewed Be Kind Rewind for the first time in ten years, and I have to admit that I remembered very little of it. Overall, it’s a warm and good-natured comedy that delivers several good laughs, even though most of its humour is fairly low-key. Much like “Weird” Al Yankovic’s cult classic UHF, the best parts of Be Kind Rewind are the sketches when Jerry and Mike “swede” other famous movies, yet the main narrative is a bit lacklustre. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799934/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Father Goose (1964)

Synopsis: French schoolmarm, seven precocious brats, the Empire of Japan and the British Navy all conspire to ruin a harmless drunk’s already meagre existence. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Cary Grant stars in one of his funniest roles as a boozy beachcomber sitting out WWII in peace - until the Allies recruit him to be a lookout on the South Pacific isle.”

What Did I Learn?: The English word for parachute is….parachute. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you really want to see Father Goose finally snap. 

Really?: 1) So let’s see….Catherine and her girls shove Walter out of his hut, eat his food and hide his precious booze, and the worst thing he does is grumble? I have a funny feeling a real-life alcoholic going through withdrawal symptoms wouldn’t be so nice and accommodating. 2) It’s bad enough there was a 27-year age difference between Grant and Caron, but the “romance” that develops between Catherine and Walter is so perfunctory that it almost seems slapped-on. 

Rating: Cary Grant plays against type (if you’re expecting the suave and sophisticated proto-James Bond he portrayed in North By Northwest and Charade, you’re in for a surprise), as a filthy, disheveled and not-terribly-gregarious boozehound, and it works. Father Goose is a funny, suspenseful, and oddly charming adventure-comedy, although the inevitable and obligatory love story between Walter and Catherine isn’t handled well. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058092/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Joe (1970)

Synopsis: If you ever wanted to see Raymond’s dad play a violent, whacked-out-of-his-mind version of Archie Bunker and ice a bunch of hippies, this is your movie! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “THE SHARED DISTRUST OF ‘HIPPIE YOUTHS’ LEADS FACTORY WORKER JOE CURRAN (PETER BOYLE) AND ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE BILL COMPTON (DENNIS PATRICK) TO BECOME FRIENDS.” [For reasons unknown, nearly every word on this jacket is spelled out in capital letters]

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, the 1968 George Wallace for President campaign commissioned a survey on the sexual preferences of American liberals. 2) If you’ve just committed a murder, it’s a really bad idea to openly discuss it afterwards. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you enjoy hearing Joe spout off about politics and culture. 

Really?: 1) I had a great deal of trouble believing Bill and Joe would form any sort of friendship, in part because of the yawning gap between each man’s socio-economic status, but mostly because it’s pretty obvious Joe is off his rocker. 2) Speaking of the friendship that forms between Bill and Joe, why in the world would Bill admit to killing his daughter’s drug-dealing boyfriend to a complete stranger (see: “What Did I Learn?”)? And isn’t it convenient how Melissa (Susan Sarandon in a very early role) somehow manages to overhear her Dad admit to the dirty deed? 3) So, Bill and Joe hate hippies and the counter-culture, but nevertheless take part in a drug-fuelled orgy? I didn’t buy that scene at all. 

Rating: Joe is an unpleasant, contrived, and dated low-budget melodrama with a questionable message: hippies are pretty awful people, but anyone who openly opposes the 1960s counterculture is a latently violent crypto-fascist. Joe isn’t my cup of tea, but I will give it a few stars for an exceptional tour-de-force performance from Boyle, who somehow manages to make Joe human and relatable, even when he says some terrible things. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely! Take a drink any time you find yourself thinking: “Bill, you don’t have to do this…go home, dude.” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065916/?ref_=fn_al_tt_3

Bad Boys (1983)

Just to be clear: this is NOT the 1995 Bad Boys starring Will Smith and Lawrence Martin. 

Synopsis: Jeff Spicoli goes to jail! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “On the mean streets of Chicago, Mick O’Brien (Sean Penn) plays by the rules - the wrong rules.” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s possible for a tough guy to carry the nickname “Tweety.”

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Sean Penn play a violent, antisocial douchebag. 

Really?: 1) So, wait… the prison authorities know that Mick and Paco (Esai Morales) hate, and will likely attempt to kill each other, but they send them to the same youth prison for an indefinite term because there’s no room downstate? Why couldn’t they swap Paco for a prisoner in another facility, even one in neighbouring Wisconsin? 2) Honestly, I’m surprised Horowitz (Eric Gurry) wasn’t murdered after his first week in the slammer. 

Rating: I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised when I sat down to watch Bad Boys last weekend. I expected something akin to an After-School Special, but the film works both as a thriller and as a gritty prison drama. My only real complaint - and it is a big one - is that while Penn is clearly a talented actor, his character Mick O’Brien isn’t a terribly sympathetic or interesting protagonist. Mick never really shows any remorse for his crimes, so I have to wonder what sort of man he would become after his release from juvie. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085210/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Shark City (2009)

Synopsis: If you’ll permit me to borrow a joke from This is Spinal Tap….Shit City. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Get the girl….Get the cash… Get gone…” 

What Did I Learn?: “In-your-face works… it gets results.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You think it's an 87-minute-long  Stephen Walking music video. 

Really?: 1) I’m pretty sure organized crime bosses don’t agree to doing guest spots on TV interview shows. 2) So, what was the point of Vivica Fox’s cameo? She makes a few short appearances early in the film and then disappears entirely. And why did Corey Haim agree to a tiny, never-developed role as one of Kenny’s four poker buddies? Did somebody create parts for them when it became known they were available and (presumably) willing to work for peanuts? 3) I can certainly understand Ventura Ritt getting upset when he discovers that Kenny no longer works for a high-profile brokerage, but wouldn’t he know there are risks involved in investing money in the stock market? It seems a little unfair to blame Kenny when his portfolio tanks. 4) Hmm… I had a hard time believing Jen would attend Degan and Samantha’s wedding, considering Ventura and Al - the men who kidnapped and beat her up - would certainly be present. 5) Holy shit, don’t Kenny or Degan ever drink at home? Why do they keep coming back to a cheesy nightclub for overpriced drinks - especially after Kenny loses his job? 6) So, Degan falls head-over-heels for Samantha (which seems a little implausible for such a horn-dog, but I’ll let that go), and he meets her the very next day when her father asks him to show a house for sale? Gee, that’s quite a coinky-dink. 

Rating: Shark City is a shallow, hackneyed, inauthentic, poorly-written, and ultimately forgettable low-budget comedy-drama. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure - take a drink any time a hot chick removes her shirt for a completely gratuitous topless scene. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055367/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Avanti (1972)

Synopsis: Jack Lemmon stars as a grumpy businessman who really doesn’t like to travel…no, that’s the Synopsis for The Out of Towners. Um… stubborn American learns the hard way that it’s not so easy to move men and supplies from Point A to Point B in Italy….no, that’s Anzio. Um… confused son discovers shocking truth about his father. Nope, that’s The Empire Strikes Back. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Italy was full of surprises!” 

What Did I Learn?: Italy is not a country - it’s an emotion. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to learn some Italian. 

Really?: 1) If Wendell is such an important hotshot in the family business, why does he personally fly to Italy to claim his father’s corpse? Couldn’t he have sent somebody else? 2) Yelling at the Italian passport control officer….that’s a greaaaaaaat idea… 3) I wonder whose bright idea it was to create a two-and-a-half-hour film. Did we really need to see Wendell (Lemmon) in the airplane flying to Rome, or Pamela’s (Juliet Mills) adventurous walk through the town? I have to wonder how much footage Billy Wilder didn’t use. 4) So, wait - the maid murders the bellhop (who was attempting to blackmail Wendell) in Pamela’s room, and Carlucci (Clive Revill) instantly knows what really happened, and shields the two foreigners from the local police? That’s convenient. 5) Wait, Pamela sheds her clothing, jumps in the Mediterranean, and Wendell decides to do likewise even though he barely knows her? That’s a little difficult to believe. 6) Strange how Carlucci keeps referencing the town's mildly radioactive mud baths, yet Wilder never thinks to show us one, even though he has more than enough time to do so. 

Rating: Avanti is a quirky, if somewhat predictable romantic comedy that takes a little while to find its footing (Lemmon’s character is a bit of a jerk in the first act), eventually charms its audience and but then wears out its welcome after the two-hour mark (see: “Really?” #3). Revill steals the film with a very likeable performance, so I'll give Avanti an extra half-star. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068240/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Office Space (1999)

Please click the link to read my review of Horrible Bosses, another workplace revenge-comedy that also features Jennifer Anniston. 

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues when boring computer nerds working tedious jobs pull a non-violent heist, and then spend the last half of the film worrying about it. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Work sucks.” 

What Did I Learn?: The fear of losing one’s job will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. 2) Corporate Accounting will almost certainly notice $305,326.13 when it goes missing. 3) Minimum Security prison is no picnic. 4) Saying: “looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays” on a construction site will likely lead to an ass-kicking. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're looking for tips on how to become an amazing boss. 

Really?: Funny how the film establishes Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole in an inspired performance) as Peter’s main antagonist, but he more-or-less disappears once Michael and Samir get fired, and this conflict doesn’t lead anywhere. 

Rating: From Beavis and Butthead to King of the Hill to the movie Idiocracy, Mike Judge has demonstrated a knack for creating clever observational comedy, and Office Space might be his finest creation. Office Space is a funny, and all-too-believable satire of the modern workplace, even when it ventures into the absurd. My only real complaint is that the film loses some juice at the midway point, so its humour becomes entirely plot-driven, and the audience is treated to a few pointless scenes, such as Peter’s dream sequence trial or Orlando Jones' cameo. Still, highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151804/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Crime Boss (1972)

Synopsis: Pre-Kojak Telly Savalas snarls his way through grainy, badly-dubbed, low-budget Italian gangster flick. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Being head of the Family is a dangerous business” 

What Did I Learn?: Hamburg Germany looked kinda seedy in 1972. 2) Apparently, it’s customary in Italy to chug down entire tumbler glasses full of wine. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll gladly watch anything that features the legendary Mr. Savalas. 

Really?: 1) Um….I don’t know who designed the DVD jacket, but Lee Van Cleef had NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS MOVIE!! This is actually more misleading than the VHS jacket of It Seemed Like A Good Idea at the Time which falsely presented the film as a John Candy vehicle, even though he had a very minor role. 2) Hold on… Antonio Mancuso’s (Antonio Sabato) big plan to gain Don Vincenzo’s (Savalas) trust involves a high-speed chase through the streets of Hamburg, and narrowly avoiding the cops? That sounds awfully risky to me. 3) Speaking of risky, is it really a good idea to quasi-rape Vincenzo’s niece (she’s obviously attracted to Antonio, but she tells him to stop) in Don Vincenzo’s own mansion? 4) I had a bit of trouble believing Don Vincenzo would allow Antonio to return the stolen heroin to him in his home (kinda smells like a police sting operation, doesn’t it?), or that there wouldn’t be any lasting enmity between Don Vincenzo and Antonio after the former tells his goons to beat the crap out of the latter. 

Rating: While I’ve always considered myself to be a Telly Savalas fan, I should have given Crime Boss a pass - I suspect he signed on for this film strictly for the paycheque. Nothing about Crime Boss works - the film is grainy and poorly-edited, Sabato provides a wooden performance, the story meanders and doesn’t really go anywhere, and the audience isn’t provided with many reasons to care about any of these characters. I’ll give Crime Boss a few stars for good old Telly and some interesting cinematography (in case you want to step back in time and see what urban Italy and Germany looked like in the early 1970s) but I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure - take a drink any time you ask yourself: “wait, why in the world would Antonio do that?” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068566/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Muppet Movie (1979)

Please click the links to read my reviews of The Muppet Christmas Carol, Christmas Eve on Sesame Street and Elmo Saves Christmas.

Synopsis: Green felt puppet travels America, befriending weirdos along the way

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “It’s a lights, camera, action-packed good time!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem don’t look like Presbyterians. 2) A bear’s natural habitat is a Studebaker. 3) Life’s like a movie. 4) You don’t go to Bombay India to become a movie star [I guess Jim Henson wasn’t familiar with Bollywood?] 5) Sparkling Muscatel is one of the finest wines of Idaho. 6) When a German scientist tells you to hold on to your hat, it’s not casual conversation – you HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT! 7) The phrase “drinks on the house” works every time. 8) Kermit performed all of his own stunts. 9) Patriotism swells in the heart of the American bear. 9) I’m obviously a big softie because even today, I get a lump in my throat any time I hear Kermit sing “The Rainbow Connection.”

You Might Like This Movie If: you can picture that. 

Really?: 1) Oh my, how does one judge the credibility of The Muppet Movie? I realize a number of sight gags and scenes aren’t meant to be taken seriously (a bar called the “El Sleazo?” An actual giant cream-filled pie that’s mounted on a billboard?), but I had a little bit of trouble believing Doc Hopper could somehow find the time to chase and terrorize Kermit across the continental USA (doesn’t he have a business to operate?), or that he would later decide to kill Kermit, considering Kermit is only valuable to him as a live spokes-frog. Come to think of it, why doesn’t it ever occur to Kermit to call the cops?

Rating: The jokes are corny (you have to be in the mood for a lot of bad puns), the songs are sappy, but The Muppet Movie is the best of the Muppet films, and it will always hold a special place in my heart (see: “What Did I Learn?” #9) It’s easy to enjoy The Muppet Movie’s impressive puppetry, gentle-but-off beat humour and interplay between so many beloved characters, but it’s especially interesting as an allegory on Jim Henson’s professional success. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

The Muppet Movie (1979) - IMDb

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

This would have been perfect for my salute to Jeff Bridges

Synopsis: Ewan McGregor learns all about becoming a Jedi…no, wait that’s Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Um….George Clooney plays a grizzled military veteran who wanders around Iraq and frees unjustly-held prisoners….no, that’s Three Kings. Um… Jeff Bridges is a bearded, aging hippie who clashes with authority figures….nope, that’s The Big Lebowski. Um…Kevin Spacey is a toxic middle-manager who destroys the morale of his fellow co-workers….no, that’s Glengarry Glen Ross.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “No Goats, No Glory”

What Did I Learn?: 1) You never know when a Dim Mak is going to kill you. 2) The “Sparkly Eyes Technique” isn’t very impressive. 3) Once you understand the linkage between observation and reality then you begin to dance with invisibility.

You Might Like This Movie If: you could happily stare at goats all day long. 

Really?: 1) The Men Who Stare at Goats is intended to be a very strange, almost absurd satire of the US Army’s research into the paranormal, so I can cut it some slack in the credibility department. That said, I had a bit of trouble believing that Bob (McGregor) could believe he had the power to expose the entire project by writing an article when didn’t have a  shred of actual proof. Oh, and I certainly hope that none of the prisoners who are released near the end later prove to be dangerous.

Rating: The Men Who Stare at Goats is a meandering, very strange, and often quite funny dark satire of the US military’s investments in paranormal and non-lethal weapons research. The film doesn’t always make sense, but it’s an enjoyable romp through the desert. 8/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234548/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Xanadu (1980)

Oblivious Neutron Bomb Double Feature! 

Synopsis: Apparently, this film received a one-sentence review shortly after its release: “In a word: Xana-don’t.” I can’t improve on that.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The 40s meet the 80s in XANADU, a very special love story and the first lavish, old-fashioned musical to utilize today’s music.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Tuesday isn’t Wednesday. 2) Gene Kelly has been “known to twinkle a toe or two.” 3) Bandstands went out with running boards. 4) Zeus is a bit of a pushover. 5) It’s possible to visit Heaven, or Mount Olympus, or wherever the ancient Greek gods reside (the place looks like the world of Tron, by the way), but roller skating head-first into a brick wall.

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see ONJ make an ill-advised foray into country music. 

Really?: 1) Oh man, where do I begin? Ok, Xanadu is a fantasy musical, so maybe I can overlook some of the weird sets, or the thinness of its plot, but I have to ask: A) How does Danny (Kelly) know where to find to find Sonny (Michael Beck), and how is he able to catch up to him in mere minutes after Sonny takes off on a “borrowed” motor-scooter? C) Does Danny have an unlimited supply of cash? Even in the late 1970s, I imagine those renovations to the amphitheater could cost millions. And why would he make Sonny a partner when Sonny doesn’t have any money to invest? D) I have to admit that the finished nightclub is pretty spectacular but, um…where are the paying customers? E) Could somebody please explain the ending? I’m still trying to sort out whether or not Sonny and Kira (Olivia Newton John) are back together, and how Kira manages to pull off so many costume changes.

Rating: Xanadu is a bizarre-yet-forgettable bad musical that’s loaded with bargain-basement special effects and terrible dialogue. I’ll admit the film has a few redeeming qualities such as several impressive musical numbers and likeable performances from Kelly and Newton John, but it’s not worth 96 minutes of your life. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Possibly. Take a drink any time you find yourself thinking: “wow….Sonny’s an idiot.”

Xanadu (1980) - IMDb

Two of a Kind (1983)

Oblivious Neutron Bomb Double Feature! 

Synopsis: The leads from Grease must convince the Almighty not to destroy the world.  

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "It's a match that could only be made in heaven."

What Did I Learn?: God sounds a lot like Gene Hackman.

You Might Like This Movie If: You have a deep love for the music of Olivia Newton-John. 

Really?: 1) It’s funny how Zach (John Travolta) is an inventor, but this is never explored – he doesn’t “MacGyver” his way out of a problem, and we aren’t given any information about why he became interested in science or inventing. 2) So, wait… Charlie the angel (Charles Durning) clearly informs the Devil (Oliver Reed) that when God initiates a second flood, the inhabitants of Earth will all go to Heaven; the Devil doesn’t believe him, and attempts to thwart Zach and Debbie (Olivia Newton-John) from developing a relationship. Ok, so why does the Devil believe Charlie later in the movie when he tells him the same thing? That doesn’t compute. 3) Holy shit, why does Charlie need three – count’em three sidekicks? What was the point of introducing Debbie’s (Olivia Newton-John) horny roommates and her creepy landlord, when none of these characters are further developed or even used to advance the plot? Why so many superfluous supporting characters? 4) Hold on – Zach breaks into Debbie’s apartment, robs her of the remainder of her stolen cash, and she decides to follow him for a walk-and-talk on the street? 5) Hmm…. Debbie is fired for openly flirting with Zach during the actual bank robbery. Why doesn’t anyone think to search her handbag?

Rating: I can see why Two of a Kind pretty much killed off Newton-John’s acting career and put Travolta in the doghouse for most of the 1980s. While I have to give this movie a few stars for originality and ambition, it doesn’t work for a number of reasons: the plot is a contrived mess, there are far too many undeveloped sub-plots and useless characters, and Newton-John wildly overacts. I can’t recommend this movie. 4/10 stars.

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Why not? Take a drink any time ONJ’s “Twist of Fate” or a film score version of it is used.   

Two of a Kind (1983) - IMDb

Rooster Cogburn (1975)

Dang – I could have used this for my salute to John Wayne Westerns!

Synopsis: It’s an unnecessary sequel to True Grit, combined with a reboot of The African Queen, featuring over-the-hill leads and forgettable villains.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Two of the most popular stars in screen history are brought together for the first time in the follow-up to True Grit.” 

What Did I Learn?: You can’t lock up a man’s whisky! 2) Out in the Territories, they prize a dead shot more than a lady’s charms. 3) Water is like a woman: sly and fickle – you gotta watch it every minute! 4) People are rotten. 5) Women can no more keep their mouths shut than a yellow-tailed catfish. [These are quotations from the film, by the way]

You Might Like This Movie If: you have a thing for larger-than-life smart alec roosters...

Really?: 1) Holy shit, the characters in this film are transporting a wagon of nitro-fucking-glycerin! I’m pretty sure you can’t go whitewater rafting or charging down a bumpy hill without blowing yourself to Kingdom Come if you’re carrying cases of nitro. 2) Ok, I realize Eula is a naïve Bible-thumper, but I had a bit of trouble believing she would insult a bunch of men she knows are outlaws, or that she wouldn’t even flinch when Hawk decides to shoot at the ground near her feet. 3) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Wayne and Hepburn are far too old to carry an action-adventure, and the film is eerily similar to The African Queen in a number of ways. Oh, and why does Rooster address Eula as “Sister” every couple of minutes? She’s not a nun. 4) Is there a reason Rooster doesn’t simply hide the recovered nitro glycerin and escape to acquire some additional reinforcements?

Rating: While I enjoyed the banter between Wayne and Hepburn, Rooster Cogburn is a weak sequel to True Grit for a number of reasons, most notably a script that doesn’t make a lot of sense and the age of the lead actors – Eula is a bit too old to be living with her elderly father in a Native community. Check it out if you’re a John Wayne completist. 6/10 stars.

Rooster Cogburn (1975) - IMDb

The French Lieutenant's Woman (1981)

Synopsis: It’s 30 minutes of narcissistic actors sneaking around on their partners, circa 1980 tacked on to 90 minutes of depressing Victorian melodrama.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Embraced by audiences and critics alike - and garnering five 1981 Academy Award nominations, including Best Actress for Streep - The French Lieutenant’s Woman will forever remain one of the most literate, imaginative and visually stunning love stories ever to grace the screen.” 

What Did I Learn?: In 1857, it’s estimated there were 80,000 prostitutes in the country of London, and out of every 60 houses, one was a brothel.

You Might Like This Movie If: Much like Charles, you believe there's something alluring about a woman who doesn't have all of her marbles. 

Really?: 1) Ok, I realize Charles (Jeremy Irons) falls hopelessly in love with Sarah (Meryl Streep), and lovestruck people don’t always make good decisions, but it’s painfully obvious that she’s completely insane [Spoiler Alert: Sarah never had sex with the French lieutenant, yet she claims otherwise because she wants to be scorned and ridiculed by the residents of Lyme] and she doesn’t seem all that interested in being saved. 2) So, three years pass, Sarah gets a cushy job and her mental illness seems to disappear? Ok, whatevs….

Rating: I have to give The French Lieutenant’s Woman something of a mixed review; while I appreciated its unique attempt at storytelling (the relationship between thespians Anna and Mike takes a strange turn when they portray star-crossed Victorian lovers during a movie shoot), its impressive cinematography, and the acting efforts of Streep and Irons, the story itself (which chucks aside the complex, multi-layered approach of John Fowles’ novel and inserts the Mike-and-Anna subplot), seemed simplistic and difficult to believe (see: “Synopsis” and “Really?”) and the characters left me cold; I didn’t care about any of them. 7/10 stars.

The French Lieutenant's Woman (1981) - IMDb

Cookie (1989)

Synopsis: Dapper don Dino discovers delinquent daughter, designs diabolic double-cross.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "A delicious new comedy." 

What Did I Learn?: You don’t get back at someone by telling them to fuck off.

You Might Like This Movie If: You're strangely intrigued by the title. 

Really?: 1) Funny how Pia (Ricki Lake) is Cookie’s (Emily Lloyd) best friend, yet she just disappears mid-way through. 2) I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the US government only admits gangsters into the WITNESS protection program in exchange for testifying in open court. I had a bit of trouble believing Dominick “Dino” Capisco (Peter Falk) could get away with whacking Carmine and stealing his dough, and then receive federal protection. I had even more trouble believing Cookie could mastermind such an intricate plot, or that she would be ok with the Carmine’s unpleasant end. 3) So, does Dino have some dough stashed away or not? This isn’t entirely clear.

Rating: I might have watched Cookie about 30 years ago on the First Choice movie channel, or not – it’s a very forgettable low-budget comedy that isn’t terribly funny or clever, and it never delivers the emotional payoff – a meeting of the minds between Dino and Cookie – that we expect to see. I’ll give Cookie a barely-passing grade only because I like Peter Falk, and I think it’s fine for a night’s entertainment. 5.5/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097109/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2