Last Vegas (2014)

I could have used this for my De Niro tribute! 

Synopsis: Michael Douglas portrays a self-made wealthy older bastard who has grown estranged…oh, sorry that’s the Synopsis for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Ok, Robert De Niro is a tough, violent bastard who takes Las Vegas by storm….no, that’s Casino. Um… Morgan Freeman plays a kindly old gent who recovers from a personal illness and walks away from his smothering family to have some fun….no, that’s The Bucket List. Um…. Kevin Kline is a loveable New Yorker who loves his wife but really wants to have some fun on the side….no, that’s I Love You to Death. Ok, ok….it’s The Hangover featuring a bunch of old farts. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Starring four legends like you’ve never seen them before, LAST VEGAS tells the story of Billy, Paddy, Archie and Sam.” 

What Did I Learn?: De Niro really needs to stop making these fucking comedies. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to sit through a 90 minute commercial for the Aria in Las Vegas. 

Really?: 1) I REALLY didn’t need to see Paddy (De Niro) receive a lap dance from a dude at the bikini contest. Actually, that entire poolside contest scene was cringe-inducing. 2) Archie’s (Freeman) son Ezra tracks him down in Vegas, shows up for the bachelor party, and….we never see him again.  Did he take an earlier flight home? Funny how he just disappears. 3) I had a bit of trouble believing three 70-something gents would actually want to spend time drinking Red Bulls-and-vodka in an obnoxiously-loud nightclub packed with club kids, let alone wait an hour in line and agree to an $1800-per-bottle service. 

Rating: Last Vegas has a great cast, and….that’s about it. Last Vegas isn’t quite a bad movie – I liked some of the exchanges between Kline and Freeman (Mary Steenburgen also acquits herself well as a sultry lounge singer with an odd past) and the script had the potential to be a lot better – but there’s far too much exposition in the dialogue, and I was struck both by how often Last Vegas serves as a travelogue for Sin City, and its spectacularly wrong-headed assumption that vulgar casinos, drug-fueled nightclubs, moronic youth culture, and douchebag materialism are attractive to anyone and everyone. Based on this film, Vegas gives me the creeps – as did that embarrassing bikini contest scene, by the way. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1204975/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Jacknife (1989)

Damn – this would have been perfect for my tribute to Robert De Niro’s movies, and my tribute to films about coming home from Vietnam. 

Synopsis: Robert De Niro plays a troubled-but-grounded Vietnam vet who helps out a buddy who can’t cope…..so, it’s basically The Deer Hunter without the Russian roulette and 3-hour-long Polish wedding. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Three buddies in Vietnam. Two survived. Only one is really alive.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you take one sip of breakfast beer, the cobwebs go, your voice rises two octaves, and “hey man” the sun comes up inside you. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You figure it must be a 90-minute infomercial. 

Really?: 1) Um….did anyone notice that Megs looks a LOT like Joseph Stalin after his big makeover? 2) Megs’ decision to break things off with Martha (Kathy Baker) seems awfully abrupt. Up until that point, we see no indication that he feels ill-at-ease within her middle class strata. I have to wonder if it was done to create a dramatic ending. 

Rating: Jacknife is a warm, and very well-written character-driven drama about a couple of emotionally-scarred Vietnam vets and the woman they both love. The film features a number of memorable performances, as well as some important things to say about forgiveness, letting go, and finding the courage to take a chance on something new. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097607/?ref_=rvi_tt

The Professionals (1966)

Synopsis: Lee Marvin leads some dangerous dudes into hostile territory for a dangerous mission….oh, wait – that’s the Synopsis for The Dirty Dozen. Um…. Intrepid adventurers break into a fortress to save a damsel in distress…no, that’s Star Wars….and Krull… and Conan the Barbarian. Um…. Rugged mercenaries attempt a rescue operation….no, that’s The Wild Geese. Ok, violent Americans venture into pre-WWI Mexico to….no, that’s The Wild Bunch. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Rough, Tough, and Ready." 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Nothing’s harmless in the desert – unless it’s dead. 2) Certain women have a way of changing boys into men and some men back into boys. 3) Dynamite in the hands of a fool means death. 4) To die for money…is foolish. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You understand the importance of professionalism. 

Really?: 1) Jeez….Claudia Cardinale isn’t given much to do in her role besides shriek at our heroes. [Spoiler Alert!] 2) The mercenaries load Maria and Raza into a carriage and send them on their way, knowing they can’t collect the big reward? Ok, maybe I can understand Dolworth (Lancaster) and Fardan (Marvin) doing that, but what about their colleagues? Come to think of it, I was struck by how well everyone works with each other from the get-go, and there aren’t any spats between them. 

Rating: The Professionals is adventure with a capital A. The story is fun and compelling, and it’s a pleasure to watch Marvin and Lancaster play a couple of grizzled tough guys. My only complaint – and it’s a quibble, really – is that we learn very little about Jake (Woody Strode) and Ehrengard (Robert Ryan), even though they’re half of the four-man team. Still, highly recommended. 10/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060862/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Speaking of Sex (2001)

Synopsis: Sex-starved and ethically-challenged lawyers manipulate sex-starved and ethically-challenged therapists, who in turn manipulate sex-starved and intellectually-challenged hayseeds. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Get your head examined.” 

What Did I Learn?: People in Boise are obsessed with elevator sex. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that therapy is hard work. 

Really?: Speaking of Sex is a screwball comedy that isn’t meant to be taken too seriously, but jeez, didn’t anyone notice that Melora Walters really can’t act? 

Rating: When I sat down to watch Speaking of Sex for the first time in several years, I remembered it being a lot funnier than the low-budget made-in-Calgary comedy which unfolded. Speaking of Sex is fine for an evening’s entertainment, but it’s littered with crude and unlikeable characters, several bad performances (I’m looking at you especially, Melora), and a convoluted script that depends a little too much on bedroom humour – some of it amusing, some of rather lame. Still, Bill Murray is great as scummy Boise lawyer Ezri Stone, and I liked both James Spader and Lara Lynn Boyle as two of the world's worst therapists. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0243575/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Maiden Heist (2009)

Synopsis: Loveable incompetents attempt to steal priceless artworks from a museum… ok, it’s basically Welcome to Collinwood meets The Score, except that nothing really happens for long stretches. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “It was a stroke of genius.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, if you wish to convince an airport employee to simply hand over a shipping crate presumably filled with coveted works of art, and you don’t have the necessary paperwork, your best course of action is to allow your wife to nag you in his presence, claim that you will soon miss your flight if he doesn’t comply, and appeal to his sense of pity. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're happy to watch Christopher Walken in anything. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” 2) Wait…. Roger (Walken) knows he needs to work on the night that the artwork gets packed up, his wife arranges it so he doesn’t have to, we expect a conflict of some sort, and….nothing. Did he stand up to her? Did he tell her some sort of pathetic lie?  How did he wind up working that night? I think the audience got cheated out of a scene. 3) Something about the ending rubbed me the wrong way. Roger loses interest in his beloved painting because he rediscovers his sexual attraction to his wife? Was that the only reason he developed an interest in the maiden - he was horny? 

Rating: The Maiden Heist reminded me of Tower Heist for a number of reasons besides their similar subject matter: both caper comedies feature impressive casts, but neither really works because of mediocre writing, strange pacing and less-than-inspired performances. Maiden is somewhat funnier than Tower, but it really drags in places, Walken’s milquetoast character really isn’t very interesting (Morgan Freeman also plays against type as a gay security guard), and Marcia Gay Harden is the one who really shines in this film as Roger’s bored wife. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1107860/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Tower Heist (2011)

Synopsis: It’s basically an Oceans 11 rip-off, featuring Eddie Murphy as a warmed-over Reggie Hammond, Ben Stiller as Hudson from Upstairs Downstairs, and Matthew Broderick as…. actually, I have no idea why he’s in this movie. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “BEN STILLER and EDDIE MURPHY lead an all-star cast in this hilarious comedy caper about a luxury condo manager (Stiller) who leads a staff of workers to seek payback on the Wall Street swindler (Alan Alda) who defrauded them.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) “A robbery can change very quickly: you have to be ready to adapt to the situation at any moment. Anything can happen.” 2) Asthma doesn’t cause seizures. 3) “Lesbians got the nicest titties.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to pull off a tower heist. 

Really?: 1) So, what was the point of making Special Agent Denham (Tea Leoni) a hot chick and hinting at a romantic interest between her and Kovaks (Stiller)? Nothing happens between them! 2) Hold on, we’re led to believe that all big-lead fraud artists like Arthur Shaw (Alan Alda) keep large sums of cash on hand in case they need to run, and his emergency stash is a solid gold Ferrari? How is he supposed to get that out of the building, let alone take it overseas? 3) So, FBI agents can really be fooled into thinking the courts are open on Thanksgiving? 4) Wait, Kovaks remembers Slide (Murphy) from childhood, but Slide doesn’t remember Kovacs at all, so they sort of meet for the first time, yet Kovaks trusts him enough to bring him into the plot? Gee, that's convenient. 5) Why in the world would Kovaks bring Mr. Fitzhugh (Broderick) into his scheme when he no longer lives in the building, and he’s pretty much useless? (See “Synopsis”)

Rating: I expected a lot more from Tower Heist when I sat down to watch it last week. Tower Heist is far from awful, but I would describe it as contrived, lacklustre and unsure of the sort of film it wants to be (see: "Synopsis", "What Did I Learn?", and "Really?") While the actual heist is compelling and fun to watch, the story takes forever to develop, and we’re treated in the meantime to a few too many crude jokes and not-so-funny comedic setups for my taste. 6/10 stars 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0471042/?ref_=rvi_tt

Hatfields and McCoys (2012)

Synopsis: Inbred hillbillies go a-killin’. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Never forgive. Never forget.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you wish to defraud somebody using a forged document, it’s not such a hot idea to sign the name of a dude who died two years earlier as the official witness. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know you should never turn your back on a blood-thirsty McCoy. 

Really?: 1) I realize Johnse (Matt Barr) isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but why in the fuck would he casually mention the location where a couple of his compatriots are hunting to a McCoy family member? (Didn’t he learn anything from a similar slip of the tongue at an earlier point in the feud?) 2) I’m not sure I entirely bought Johnse’s relationship with Roseanne McCoy; I mean, he loves her and clearly doesn’t have the stomach for violence, so not marry her and skedaddle? Couldn’t he make his whisky somewhere else? In real life, he was actually quite a womanizer, so his decision to essentially let her go made more sense. 3) Speaking of real life, the feud ended in part because the State of Kentucky put some pressure on both families. I’m surprised that wasn’t included. 

Rating: Hatfields and McCoys is a compelling miniseries with an impressive cast and great production values - it’s hard to believe it was actually filmed in Romania! It’s definitely worth a look even if you aren’t that interested in American history. While I liked Costner’s performance as the Hatfield patriarch, there aren’t many likeable or sympathetic characters in this story (Bill Paxton’s character seems like a bit of a loon), so it’s tough to care about any of them by the end. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1985443/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The 'Burbs (1989)

Tom Hanks Quadruple Feature #5 (Ok, I guess five is one too many for a quadruple feature, but I stumbled upon this at my local Salvation Army store, and I had to pick it up) 

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues when bored middle-class homeowners criminally harass a family that’s introverted and a little bit different. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Tom Hanks portrays suburbanite Ray Peterson, whose plans for a peaceful vacation are disturbed by a creepy new family on the block, in this outrageous suspense-comedy directed by Joe Dante.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Suburbanites are just not going to take it anymore. 2) A sardine on a pretzel makes a pretty awful hors d'oeuvre. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You can understand why Ray and his neighbours might be a little nuts. 

Really?: 1) So, the Klopecs are secretly axe murderers with incriminating evidence in their basement… isn’t it a little odd that they would call the cops when they discover the neighbours have broken inside? 2) So….nobody ever cleans up the garbage on the street? 

Rating: I have to admit that I’ve always had a place in my heart for The Burbs - maybe because I grew up in an exurban town in the GTA and I can identify with Ray Peterson, and maybe because it’s a very laid-back horror-comedy that never takes itself too seriously, and delivers some solid laughs - the scene when everybody grabs bags of trash out of the garbage truck is unforgettable.I liked the chemistry between Hanks and the Carrie Fisher (who doesn’t have a lot to do, but is quite good as Ray’s long-suffering wife), but Rick Ducommun and Bruce Dern are awesome as the Peterson’s completely insane neighbours - they steal the movie. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096734/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_70

The Money Pit (1986)

Tom Hanks Quadruple Feature #4 

Synopsis: It’s basically an hour of Tom Hanks and Shelley Long making funny faces while their home collapses around them, followed by 20-30 minutes of the two of them screaming at each other. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: For everyone who’s ever been deeply in Love or deeply in Debt. [Not sure why they capitalized “Love” and “Debt.]

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, Tom Hanks can fit his entire fist inside his mouth. 2) Mozart is dead. 3) Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp. 4) The basis of real estate is to capitalize on  another human being’s misfortune. 5) “Two weeks” is the standard answer whenever contractors are asked how long it will take to finish a particularly large and complex job. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see a house fall apart. 

Really?: Holy shit, this movie introduces a whole bunch of wacky characters and odd subplots (Benny, the spoiled child actor who lends Walter the 200 grand; the “Cheap Girls” transvestite singing band; Jack the overweight realtor with a heart condition; Walter’s father in Brazil, etc…) and does nothing to develop or resolve any of them. What do they add? 

Rating: The Money Pit is an enjoyable, but fluffy and forgettable 1980s comedy featuring Hanks when he was still in his funny period, and a post-Cheers Long. The film features some funny lines (“do they test missiles around here?” Is my favourite) and a great slapstick sequence, but it takes a surprisingly long time to get started, and there are far too many loose ends and unnecessary characters for my taste. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091541/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_76

Charlie Wilson's War (2007)

Tom Hanks Quadruple Feature #3 (My apologies - I meant to finish this mini-tribute to Tom Hanks last month, but I got a little side-tracked with other matters) Oh, and please click the links to read my reviews of two other movies that deal with the war in Afghanistan: The Living Daylights and Rambo III. 

Synopsis: Hard-drinking, and surprisingly liberal good-ole-boy Texan politician single-handedly solves America’s biggest foreign policy crisis of the early 1980s…and creates an entirely new one for the following century. 2007

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Based on the outrageous true story.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you’re told you have character flaws by a man who hanged his predecessor in a military coup. 2) They don’t serve whisky in rehab. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know the Soviet Union made a big strategic blunder when it spent years bogged down in Afghanistan, and...oh, wait. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, I realize Charlie Wilson’s War is a biopic that highlights Wilson’s rather important role in getting arms and supplies to the Afghan resistance, but holy shit, the only reference to Ronald Reagan is near the end, to suggest the Gipper didn’t know what was going on. I had a hard time believing Wilson and the CIA could do their thing without *some* involvement from the rest of the Executive Branch. 2) You know, I don't think screenwriter Aaron Sorkin ever provides a credible reason for Wilson's deep interest in helping out the rebels. 

Rating: I wanted to like Charlie Wilson’s War a bit more than I did. The film is amusing at times, Hanks brings a roguish charm to the title role, and I liked his exchanges with Hoffman’s character. The big problem is that there’s no antagonist for Wilson, and he never encounters a roadblock he can’t handle, so there isn’t really any tension - just a lot of meetings; people ask him to get more money for the Afghan rebels, he succeeds, and the cycle repeats. Moreover, we know there’s no possibility of a serious romance between Wilson and Joanne Herring (Julia Roberts), so their flirting seems tacked-on and pointless. 6.5/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472062/?ref_=nv_sr_1

One Way Out (2002)

Happy Canada Day! Please click the links to check out my reviews of a few other Canadian (or at least made-in-Canada) movies. 

The Silent Partner, Strange Brew, It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, Hard Core Logo, Joshua Then and Now, The Trailer Park Boys: Countdown to Liquor Day, The Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special, Mr. Patman/Crossover, Heavy Metal, Lost and Found, Hitman Hart: Wrestling with Shadows, Bon Cop, Bad Cop, and Splendido Secrets) 

Synopsis: Jim Belushi portrays a dirty cop with a gambling addiction who tries to stage the perfect crime, and…. Oh wait, that’s the synopsis for Gang Related. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “In Every Cop There Is A Crime”

What Did I Learn?: Jason Bateman isn’t a very good actor. (Ok, I think I learned that by watching The Hogan Family) 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've found yourself in a situation where there's only one way out. 

Really?: 1) What are the odds that Harry would be asked to assist in the murder of Evans (Guylaine St.-Onge) the night after the two of them met, and even enjoyed some hot sex in her car? 2) Um…Harry’s big plan to assist John is to have him kill his wife in the house they share, make him the prime suspect, but not give the cops quite enough evidence? How about making it look like a carjacking or a botched robbery in another part of town, and giving John an alibi? 3) So, John wants to double-cross Harry by setting him up for the murder of Evans? Doesn’t it ever occur to him that Harry might sing like a canary if he figures he has nothing to lose? Isn’t mutual silence a much better option? 

Rating: One Way Out isn’t quite a bad movie, but it is a low-budget made-in-Canada crime thriller that comes perilously close to becoming one, thanks to a script that doesn’t make a lot of sense and a less-than-stellar performance from Bateman. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0290795/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Cast Away (2000)

Tom Hanks Quadruple Feature #2

Synopsis: Efficiency-obsessed nerd gets on the wrong plane and develops a close personal friendship with a volleyball. Wait, WTF? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “DISCOVER THE UNFORGETTABLE JOURNEY OF HOPE, COURAGE AND SURVIVAL.” [Yup - all caps]

What Did I Learn?: 1) Coconut milk is a natural laxative. 2) 87 hours is an eternity. 3) We must not commit the sin of turning our back on the clock. 4) We live and die by the clock - that’s all we have. 5) 500,000 square miles is twice the size of Texas. 

You Might Like This Movie If: much like Chuck, you have a lovely bunch of coconuts. 

Really?: 1) It’s nice of Chuck (Hanks) to bury the dead pilot, but I had a hard time believing he wouldn’t first remove the man’s tie and belt, considering each might prove useful. And why wouldn’t he open that last FedEx package? 2) I realize four years of solitude on a deserted island might drive anyone bonkers, and Chuck created an imaginary friend to keep himself sane, but holy cow, I really got tired of hearing him scream “Wilson!” over and over again. 3) So, wait…wouldn’t Chuck’s colleagues have known that he had lived on a meagre diet of coconuts, fish and crabs for four years before they welcomed him home with a big seafood dinner? 4) Does Chuck still have a driver’s licence at the end of the movie? Just curious….5) Hmm… funny how Chuck never once uses any profanities - even when he’s forced to remove a rotten tooth using a barbaric method. 

Rating: Cast Away is a very compelling adventure film  even though it consists of long stretches without any dialogue. Actually, the movie works best when Hanks is alone on the island and forced into survival mode - it’s fascinating to watch his character adapt to the environment and solve problems as they arrive. Still, the last 20-30 minutes are a little lacklustre. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162222/?ref_=rvi_tt

Punchline (1988)

Tom Hanks Quadruple Feature #1 (Please click the links to read my reviews of Saving Private Ryan, The Road to Perdition, Catch Me if You Can, and That Thing You Do)

Synopsis: Bored housewife forms platonic relationship with troubled-yet-brilliant tutor who teaches her how to use the English language more effectively. Oh, wait - that’s the synopsis for Educating Rita! Um… The search for the mysteries of comedy lures good people away from scholarship and loving relationships…no, that’s The Name of the Rose. Um…. Older woman charms frustrated, broke and desperate young man to help her become a star….no, that’s Sunset Boulevard. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Comedy is no laughing matter for Sally Field and Tom Hanks who take centre stage in the smash hit PUNCHLINE.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Everybody loves housewives. 2) It’s safe to poke fun at debutantes. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that comedy is tough. 

Really?: 1) Hmm… Stephen (Hanks) mentions his larger-than-life, big-game-hunting heart surgeon father on numerous occasions, yet we never get to meet the guy. For that matter, Stephen flunks out of medical school early in the movie, his dad never finds out, and this potential conflict is never resolved. 2) Is it just me, or is nearly all of Stephen’s and Lilah’s (Fields) material really awful? 3) I’m pretty sure a comedy club audience would NOT sit silently if a comedian were to experience an on-stage nervous breakdown, complete with actual sobbing. 

Rating: Punchline is a slightly dated, but entertaining film about the late 1980s standup comedy scene in New York City. Hanks and Fields work well together (so well that they returned a few years later to play mother and son in Forrest Gump), and the film features a couple of great moments, such as Stephen doing a Gene Kelly impression, and Lilah (Fields) preparing for an important dinner set to Khachaturian’s Sabre Dance. My only complaint would be that I found it strange that a film which examines a potentially hysterical subject never once made me laugh (see: “Really?”). 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095927/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_71

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (2007)

Synopsis: Self-absorbed, narcissistic douchebag returns home after long absence to enrage his hot-tempered father one more time before the old fart croaks. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “A coming of age drama about writer/director Dito Montiel’s youth, the film captures the mid-1980s in the toughest neighbourhood of Astoria, Queen’s.” 

What Did I Learn?: In the mid-1980s Astoria wasn’t a nice, working-middle class district of New York City at all, but a violent slum with garbage on the streets. Oh, and the local teenagers wore tattered and crappy clothing. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're nostalgic for the *ahem* better days of growing up in the not-so-mean streets of New York City, circa 1986. 

Really?: 1) Hold on - Antonio watches his whack job brother accidentally kill himself in a grotesque manner, and all he wants to talk about during the service is exacting revenge against a local hood for an unrelated matter? Sorry, I didn’t buy that scene. 2) See: “What Did I Learn?” 3) I realize Dito had some very real emotional problems that stemmed from his family and social life, but I had a lot of trouble believing it would take him 20 years to return to New York, or that he wouldn’t do a better job of staying in touch with the people who supposedly mean so much to him. Come to think of it, I have to wonder how a teenaged boy with no money and no connections could survive, let alone become a famous writer in California. 

Rating: I have to give A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints a rather mixed review. I’ve always liked autobiographical character-driven films, and there are a number of splendid performances in this picture; Diane Wiest is great, and I’ll never forget an emotionally-charged scene between Shia LaBeouf and Chazz Palminteri where young Dito essentially says goodbye to his father. Still, Guide rubbed me the wrong way (see: “Synopsis” and “Really?” of the characters, including Dito, are all that likeable or sympathetic (so I had a hard time caring about any of them), the ending provides very little resolution, and what’s the deal with director Dito Montiel’s distracting and unnecessary use of imagined conversations and subtitles for conversations in English? 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473488/?ref_=rvi_tt

Ladder 49 (2004)

Synopsis: Joaquin Phoenix volunteers for an extremely dangerous job, even though is cute girlfriend doesn’t want him to do so, and…. Oh, sorry - that’s the synopsis for We Own the Night. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Academy Award-nominated stars Joaquin Phoenix (Best Supporting Actor, Gladiator, 2000) and John Travolta (Best Actor, Pulp Fiction) ignite the intense action in this heroic tale of ordinary men with uncommon courage!” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, it’s really easy to deconstruct a brick wall in minutes, using nothing but a piece of rebar. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You take ladder safety very, very seriously. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” 2) Funny how we’re told nothing about Jack Morrison’s family or background, aside from his religious affiliation. Does he come from a long line of firemen? Was he expected to enter the profession, or was this entirely his decision? 3) Did anyone else think it was a bit selfish and irresponsible for Jack to ask for a transfer from engine duty (i.e. putting out fires with a hose) to truck duty (rescue work), which is much more dangerous job, when he has a wife and several children to think about? 

Rating: Ladder 49 is a treacly, and highly disappointing post-9/11 celebration of firemen that tries too hard to paint these brave individuals only as heroes, and doesn’t put much effort into reminding us they’re still ordinary men with ambitions, hopes, fears, etc… An obvious comparison would be Dennis Leary’s TV series Rescue Me, except that nobody who drinks a bit too much in this movie ever becomes an alcoholic, marriages stay intact, and Phoenix’s character knows exactly the right things to say when his kids express legitimate fears for his safety. Oh, and Leary’s show was often funny, compelling, and sometimes even provided some insights into a difficult and misunderstood job. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Probably not, but take a drink any time somebody mentions that “firemen run into a burning building when everybody else is running out” line. Once is fine, but it’s used on several occasions. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0349710/?ref_=rvi_tt

We Own the Night (2007)

Synopsis: Fun-loving young man with cute girlfriend discovers his father is in danger, reluctantly enters the family business, and discovers he’s much better at it than his blowhard brother. Wait - it’s the mirror image of The Godfather! 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “What if your family stood in the way of everything you worked for? Bobby Green (Joaquin Phoenix) forsakes his families (sic) tradition in law enforcement to become a Brooklyn nightclub owner.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) If you piss in your pants, you only stay warm for so long. 2) It’s better to be judged by twelve than carried by six. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're deeply nostalgic for 1988.

Really?: 1) I had a bit of trouble believing Bobby’s big meeting with Vadim and his crew in the stash house. First of all, he never once inquires about what his cut might be for distributing Vadim’s heroin (which I imagine would be his primary question if he were sincere), but why in the world would he ask where the heroin comes from when he’s wearing a wire and the cops specifically told him not to say anything that would attract suspicion? 2) The movie takes place in 1988, yet Bobby’s club keeps playing Blondie’s Heart of Glass, which was released several years earlier. Wouldn’t the hottest nightclub outside Manhattan play something a little more contemporary? 3) Do Bobby and Joseph actually speak Russian? They use a phrase or two now and then, and their father’s surname name is Grusinsky, so they might have a basic understanding of Slavic languages, but this is never made entirely clear. 4) Wow, Bobby’s personality completely transforms after his brother gets shot, doesn’t it? 

Rating: We Own the Night is an enjoyable, if somewhat formulaic crime thriller that works thanks to some good performances and stylish direction by James Grey. Oh, and I have to give this film an extra star for including an original, compelling, and highly memorable car chase shot entirely from the vantage point of one driver. 8/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0498399/?ref_=rvi_tt

Scarecrow (1973)

Gene Hackman Movie #4 

Synopsis: Doomed delinquent dad delights deeply determined, demented drifter during disastrous drawn-out drive. Destination: Detroit! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Hackman. Pacino. On the road in an award-winning American classic." 

What Did I Learn?: 1) For every car, there’s dirt. 2) Scarecrows are beautiful. 3) Gene Hackman was not a skilled striptease artist. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to see Al Pacino tell off a passing motorist with an odd insult. 

Really?: I had a bit of trouble believing Riley (Richard Lynch), who’s only serving 18 months in prison, is allowed to drive a jeep and even has his own, personal collection of hard liquor because he bribes the guards, would want to rape Lion. Couldn’t he arrange for a conjugal visit, or something? 

Rating: Scarecrow is an unusual, but extremely well-acted character-driven drama that features two iconic stars who never worked together again, afterwards. Scarecrow isn’t an easy film to watch - Lion’s (Pacino) journey turns really tragic in the second act, and the ending doesn’t resolve much, but it’s a memorable story about two very different men who form a strong friendship, and it’s well worth watching at least once. Interestingly, Pacino said that Scarecrow was the best script he had ever read, and Hackman was most proud of his performance in movie. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070643/?ref_=nv_sr_2

March or Die (1977)

Gene Hackman movie #3

Synopsis: Post-WWI French soldiers come to the sad realization their country is in for a long, long period of getting its ass kicked. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "At the end of World War I, Major Foster (GENE HACKMAN), a tough, bitter American who was forced to resign from West Point and is now in the French Foreign Legion, is ordered, with his legionnaires, to protect an archeological expedition headed by Francois Marneau (MAX VON SYDOW) of the Louvre, who is to excavate for a priceless tomb in Morocco." 

What Did I Learn?: When a sadistic drill sergeant asks you to state your former occupation, it’s not a great idea to reply: “Premier of France!” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always been tempted to join the Legion. 

Really?: 1) I have to admit that I don’t know all that much about the French Foreign Legion, but I was a little surprised when the legionnaires in this movie underwent zero basic training before they were sent to Morocco. 2) I’m curious: would Muslim tribesmen really feel much kinship with the corpse of a 3,000-year old pagan female warrior nicknamed the Angel of the Desert? 3) Hold on - Marneau - the completely amoral art historian who doesn’t give a shit about the plight of his colleagues or the men who protect them is one of the only Frenchmen to survive the big assault? That seems a little unsatisfying. 4) I realize the Legion had a reputation for accepting anyone as a recruit without asking any questions about their past, but why in the world would they take in Marco the pickpocket? Who would be dumb enough to trust that guy? 

Rating: I wanted to like March or Die, but I would have to describe it as slow-moving and strangely confused about the story it wants to tell: does it want to condemn the Legion for brutality within its ranks and serving as an instrument of French colonialism, or celebrate the derring-do of legionnaires like Marco? For that reason, we’re never entirely sure if we ought to like Hackman’s character or not. Check it out if you’re a fan of the Indiana Jones franchise and you want to see its rather obvious influence on George Lucas and Steven Spielberg when they made Raiders of the Lost Ark. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076175/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Heartbreakers (2001)

Gene Hackman movie #2

Synopsis: It’s sorta-like Dirty Rotten Scoundrels meets The Mother-Daughter Exchange Club

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Get ready to lose your heart - and your bank account - to a couple of sexy sirens in this 'vastly enjoyable comedy' (People Magazine)!"

What Did I Learn?: 1) Love is pain. 2) Life is pain. 3) Cigarettes dissolve cholesterol. 4) Everyone is a little irritable after they choke. 5) “College stuff” is not a satisfactory answer if you fraudulently present yourself as a professor and you’re asked which subject you teach. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch anything that was filmed in the Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach Florida. 

Really?: 1) Heartbreakers is a screwball comedy, so I can overlook some of the sillier plot contrivances but I had a bit of trouble believing Page could be that obnoxious to Jason and still seduce him. 2) Wow - Sarah Silverman and Zach Galifianakis really don’t have much to do as Linda and Bill, do they? 

Rating: Heartbreakers is an entertaining black comedy that works as long as the viewer doesn’t ask too many questions about the plot. While I liked the bickering banter between Max (Sigourney Weaver) and Page (Jennifer Love Hewitt), Hackman steals the film with a strangely endearing performance that borrows heavily from W.C. Fields in his prime. Heartbreakers definitely loses some momentum after his character suffers from one-too-many coughing fits. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0125022/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_6