Bridge to Nowhere (2009)

Synopsis: It’s a bit like a very low-budget remake of Scarface… starring the Backstreet Boys. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: 

What Did I Learn?: Drug dealers aren’t that keen on giving out volume discounts. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You figure it must be a nice little travelogue. 

Really?: 1) So, Ving Rhames is in this movie for what – 20 minutes of screen time, and he gets top billing? 2) Funny how Nate (Rhames) warns the boys about some of the troubles associated with pimping hookers (ex. Not receiving all of the cash afterwards, Johns who decide not to pay, STDs, etc…) and they encounter none of these issues during their meteoric rise. 3) Sure….appoint the goofiest, wimpiest and least-threatening member of the gang to protect the girls when they go out on calls. 4) I can understand Brian (Ben Crowley) reluctantly going along with killing his murdering his old pal Eddie (who is in jail, and getting ready to sing like a canary), but why would he feel the need to bump off Darick and Chris? All they want to do is leave the business before Eddie tells the cops what they want to hear. 5) Hmm….Nate informs Brian that the mob will soon start to tax his enterprise by significantly raising the price of the drugs he purchases, and this plot point is never addressed again. 

Rating: Bridge to Nowhere is a slow-moving, predictable, badly-written, poorly-acted, and ultimately disappointing crime drama that features some nice shots of Pittsburgh and a few interesting scenes (I enjoyed watching Nate’s first encounter with the four goofballs), but not much else. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: No, but take a drink any time you realize you don’t give a flying crap what happens to the four main characters. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0973785/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1

Blue Thunder (1983)

Synopsis: It’s basically Airwolf without the awesome theme music.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Roy Schneider stars in this intense action thriller as a courageous police officer-pilot battling government fanatics planning to misuse an experimental attack helicopter.” 

What Did I Learn?: “JAFO” stands for Just Another Fucking Observer. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to see the mediocre movie that inspired the mediocre TV series which featured a young, and completely miscast Dana Carvey. 

Really?: 1) Gee, those heat-seeking missiles seem to take a LONG time to hit their targets, don’t they? 2) Doesn’t Murphy (Roy Scheider) ever sleep? Are we supposed to believe that he pulled an entire shift in his helicopter and then fought with his girlfriend at home, trespassed around the grounds of the McNeely residence, and then checked out Blue Thunder all in the course of one night? 2a) So, wait – Murphy is suspended from active duty, yet his boss nevertheless calls him in to inspect Blue Thunder at what – 5AM, after he pulled a night shift? 3) I’m curious – why doesn’t Murphy land Blue Thunder the minute he knows that Kate (Candy Clark) has delivered the tape to the TV station? Isn’t he simply making himself a target – and potentially endangering civilians – at that point? 4) Even if he’s exposing some major-league corruption, I had a hard time believing a veteran cop would fire a helicopter gunship cannon at police helicopters, patrol cars, or an F-16! (And how in the world is he able to inflict non-fatal injuries on those poor cops/pilots?) 5) Ok, I realize Murphy’s boss, Captain Braddock (Warren Oates) is a bit of a cover-my-ass kind of guy, but holy shit, does it ever occur to Murphy to tell him about the tape, or the conversation he overheard? If not Braddock, does Murphy trust anyone else in the police department? He’s a cop, for crying out loud! 6) Let me see…. Murphy is asked to test pilot Blue Thunder by the very people who committed the murder he’s investigating? And on a whim, he looks up Cochrane (Malcolm MacDowell) on the database, follows him, and manages to record a conversation that incriminates everyone involved? Coinky-dinks! 7) Why would Blue Thunder’s engineers place the super-sensitive microphones between the helicopter’s engines and rotors? How could it possibly pick up any ground-level noises? 8) Hold on…..Cochrane decides to murder Murphy and Lymangood (is that a real name) by removing a cotter pin and loosening a bolt on their helicopter just because Lymangood doesn’t like the guy, and Murphy doesn’t actually know anything?  9) So, just how screwed-up is Murphy? At one point we see him paralyzed by a Vietnam flashback, so I have to wonder why he’s still on the police force. 

Rating: Blue Thunder is a rather ho-hum thriller that’s fine for an evening’s entertainment, but it suffers from a script that doesn’t make a lot of sense (the movie was originally conceived as the story of a Vietnam vet police chopper pilot who goes nuts during a patrol, and later re-jigged as a government conspiracy flick) and a second act that really drags. 5.5/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085255/?ref_=rvi_tt

Street Hawk (1985)

Terrible Biker Movie #4

Synopsis: Tough cop is injured by the guy who murdered his partner, so he seeks justice with the help of a shadowy government-affiliated organization and a futuristic vehicle….oh my God, it’s Knight Rider with only two wheels!! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The Ultimate High-Tech Crimefighter” 

What Did I Learn?: Public relations for a major police force is such an easy, demand-free job that one can simply nip out of the office for hours at a time without any fear of getting fired or reprimanded. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to re-live the 1980s. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” Speaking of which, it’s funny how Jesse (Rex Smith) is transferred to the police department’s PR department, and he never uses the media to assist in an investigation. 2) So, Jesse’s attractive boss is pissed about him skipping out of the office during business hours, so her solution is to take him out to dinner to break the ice? 3) Wow, it’s a good thing Jesse only takes the Street Hawk out on nearly-empty streets, because I can’t imagine it would be easy to steer, let alone stop when it takes it up to 300 miles per hour! 4) Wait, Jesse has his knee completely fixed, thanks to some cutting-edge secret technology, yet he still has to pretend to be injured and use a cane when he’s at work? That can’t be a realistic long-term strategy. 5) We see that Norman (Joe Reglbuto) has a boss. Who is this guy? Who do he and Norman work for? How are they bankrolling this project? 

Rating: It’s strange – Street Hawk looks like the kind of TV show I might have watched, or at least checked out in 1985, yet I have no recollection of it, even after viewing the pilot episode. And I can see why this series never made an impact: the pilot can best be described as unoriginal and formulaic, poorly-written, badly-acted, and loaded with less-than-spectacular special effects (See: “Synopsis,” “What Did I Learn?” and “Really?”) Still, I’ll give it an extra star for an awesome musical score by Tangerine Dream. 4/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088618/?ref_=rvi_tt

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991)

Terrible Biker Movie #3

Synopsis: Biker-and-cowboy-caricatures drive recklessly, bang supermodels, take down a drug-dealing bank(!) and otherwise ooze plenty of toxic masculinity. [Just to be clear: I use the term “toxic masculinity” facetiously] 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When the going gets tough… the tough take the law into their own hands.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) It’s better to be dead and cool than alive and uncool. 2) Never chase buses or women, you’ll always be left behind. 3) It only takes a couple of scumbags to stink up a convenience store. 4) The older the bull, the stiffer the horn. 5) Guns are meant to be shot, not thrown. 

Oh, and the five rules for shooting a game of pool:

Lesson #1: Always shoot with a cigarette in your mouth; 

Lesson #2: Always know the table before you shoot; 

Lesson #3: Make sure you chalk that stick REAL GOOD before each shot; 

Lesson #4: Never make a bet if you can’t pay the debt; 

Lesson #5: If you lose, make sure you stand up straight and tall. 

You Might Like This Movie If: See: "What Did I Learn?"

Really?: Haha – where do I even start? 1) First of all, aside from Marlboro’s girlfriend, where are the cops? Daniel Baldwin and his Kevlar-wearing goons murder a bunch of people (including an airport baggage handler on the tarmac!), and fire off automatic weapons in public, yet we never so much as hear a siren. And wouldn’t Baldwin retrieve the bodies of his fallen comrades, at least to prevent a police investigation? 1b) Come to think of it, could Harley and Marlboro possibly hide out in the baggage compartment of a jet with a corpse and a kidnapped baggage handler, fly to Las Vegas, and then escape into the city without encountering the cops, or airport security? 2) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, isn’t running a bank a fairly difficult job? How would Wilder have the time, or the criminal expertise to oversee a drug empire? 3) So, Marlboro steals a motorcycle belonging to his lady’s new fiancé, and even gets to meet the dude later in the film, yet nobody even mentions the theft and there are no consequences? 4) Call me a lazy slob, but I’m pretty sure I would require medical attention after getting shot in the arm twice; I don’t think I would be physically up for a final showdown with a drug lord. 5) I have to admit that I’m a little fuzzy on the revenge plan…. Harley and Marlboro want to kill Wilder, but return the stolen money to renew a lease on the bar, even though none of their friends are alive to operate it? Am I getting that right? 

Rating: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man is a trashy, foul-mouthed and excessively violent early-1990s reimagining of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It’s not a very good movie, but HDatMM never takes itself too seriously, its script includes some enjoyable one-liners and pseudo-philosophical musings, and I’ll admit that I like the chemistry between Rourke and Johnson, even though the two of them hated each other during filming, and they apparently won’t work with each other even today. 6.5/10 stars. Yes, I know I’m being overly generous. In the spirit of Bad Movie Night: take a drink any time Baldwin or his goons can’t seem to hit either Harley or Marlboro even though they’re firing machine guns.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102005/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 Synopsis: 

Stone Cold (1991)

Terrible Biker Movie #2

Synopsis: ‘Roided-up muscle freak infiltrates, and then single-handedly destroys scary cult led by charismatic leader….sorry, that’s the Synopsis for Conan the Barbarian. Um… tough cop goes, deep, deep undercover and winds up getting somebody killed….no, that’s Donnie Brasco. Um… B-list action hero rides a motorcycle and wastes a small army of….no, that’s The Delta Force. Ok, biker gang gets its comeuppance. No, that’s A Bronx Tale and Every Which Way but Loose. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When it comes to non-stop action, STONE COLD is red hot!”

What Did I Learn?: Brian Bosworth looks a lot like a grown-up version of Bam-Bam Rubble. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're looking for new recipes. 

Really?: Let’s start from the beginning… 1) Can the FBI really extend a cop’s suspension from three weeks to six months? 2) If Joe has busted more bikers in Alabama than any other police officer, why in the world would the FBI recruit him for a dangerous undercover mission in neighbouring Mississippi? Wouldn’t somebody recognize him? 3) So, why is the Brotherhood murdering religious figures in the first place? And the group hangs Nazi flags and uses Nazi imagery, yet nobody says or does anything particularly racist? Are they neo-Nazis, or is all of this for show? 4a) Hold on – two state troopers are found murdered with a clear death threat against a gubernatorial candidate, and the law enforcement community doesn’t raid the Brotherhood compound, search every inch of it for evidence and beat the crap out of the bikers until somebody talks? 4b) And wouldn’t the FBI immediately ask Joe if he knows anything about these murders, or make them the top priority of the investigation? 5) Wait, the bikers murder a (presumably) made man, yet the local Mafia are entirely willing to negotiate a drug deal with Chains? 6) I’m curious – what did Chains think would happen after he and his buddies took over the Mississippi state house and murdered a bunch of people in a clear act of domestic terrorism? Couldn’t he have simply put a bullet in Whipperton’s head in a dark alleyway? 7) Hmm… the villain aims a gun at the unarmed hero in the final scenes, yet he’s quickly dispatched by the hero’s not-terribly-heroic pal. Didn’t we see that in Die Hard? 8) Nice mullet, Brian. 

Rating: Stone Cold is one bad movie. Its script is non-sensical, poorly-developed and clichéd (see: “Really?”), Bosworth has zero acting skills, and the audience isn’t given any reasons to care about any of these characters. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Bad Movie Nights were made for movies like Stone Cold. Take a drink any time Bosworth appears shirtless for no apparent reason or a character is introduced and never developed further. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102984/?ref_=rvi_tt

Beyond the Law (1993)

Terrible Biker Movie #1 [Yes, CA$H Converters seriously wanted $7 for a copy of this film]

Synopsis: Hot-headed cop who was physically abused in childhood infiltrates biker gang because…. Come to think of it, Charlie’s motives are never made terribly clear.  

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Charlie Sheen is a fearless cop, who goes undercover in order to infiltrate a notoriously vicious motorcycle gang, in this film based on a true story.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Being tired is a lot better than being dead, man. 2) The Pythons are a “sissy ass” biker club. 3) Nobody lives forever. 4) Charlie Sheen does a horrible French accent….which may explain why he wasn’t chosen to play Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther remake. 5) It is easy to go down in to hell; night and day the gates of dark death stand wide; but to climb back up again, to retrace one's steps to the open air, there lies the problem, the difficult task (Ok, that’s from The Aeneid) 6) Would any self-respecting biker accept the nickname of “Oatmeal?” How did he acquire that monicker? Does he eat a lot of fibre? 

You Might Like This Movie If: You always knew Charlie Sheen has a unique ability to portray a guy who's slowly losing his marbles. 

Really?: 1) Charlie Sheen as a badass biker….okaaaaaaay. 2) Hold on… Dan starts his motorcycle inside his apartment, drives it out of the building, and leaves his front door wide open? What is this, a scene from Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie?!? 3) Hmm….I seem to remember Virgil using red spray-paint on part for Dan’s motorcycle, but the finished product is entirely black with blue highlights. 4) Speaking of Virgil, I didn’t exactly buy his character…. he fixes motorcycles for biker gangs, yet he claims that he really, really wants to be a cop, so Dan trusts him implicitly? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to be a retired cop/DEA agent who teaches Dan the ropes about bikers and going undercover? Did anyone do that before Dan begins his new assignment? 

Rating: Beyond the Law is not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination – the script is clichéd, and suffers from some credibility issues (see: “Synopsis”, “What Did I Learn?” and “Really?”), but it exceeded my admittedly low expectations only because Sheen does his best with the material (even though he was miscast) and the narrative – which is based upon the true undercover work of the real Dan Saxon – is somewhat compelling. I’ll give Beyond the Law a barely-passing grade. 5.5/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103805/?ref_=rvi_tt

Off the Black (2006)

Synopsis: Trouble-making young punk with mopey pop bonds with a new father figure….the grumpy old town drunk. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Would you let this man be your father?”

What Did I Learn?: If I ever decide to umpire little league baseball, I’ll remember that it’s a really good idea to give the local kids all of the close-call decisions. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You need a reminder that alcoholism and parenting don't mix. 

Really?: 1) So, how does Ray (Nick Nolte) know Debra (Rosemarie DeWitt), why is she in this movie, and why is she apparently interested in Dave (Trevor Morgan) even though she’s older than him and far more literate? I get the feeling she was added because the studio didn’t want Ray and Dave’s friendship to look vaguely homoerotic. 2) Mr. Tibbel’s (Timothy Hutton) wife left him a year-and-a-half ago, yet he’s still an emotional cripple and we’re told he often doesn’t go into work. Um… is money an issue for this family? He does he manage to keep his job and somehow put food on the table every week? 3) Hold on, why is Ray such a man of mystery to his classmates? They have his mailing address, for crying out loud – didn’t any of them consider paying him a visit? 

Rating: Off the Black is a very low-key character-driven drama that features a relatable performance from Trevor Morgan and a great one from Nolte. The plot is a bit contrived – I suspect Ray would almost certainly inform Mr. Tibbel about Dave’s vandalism in lieu of calling the cops, but Off the Black is also warm, poignant, and I liked its message about the importance of facing life’s challenges without self-pity. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479965/?ref_=rvi_tt

Casino Jack (2010)

Synopsis: Kevin Spacey plays a viciously aggressive, lying and completely amoral douchebag who… no, wait, that’s the Synopsis for Swimming with Sharks….and Horrible Bosses….and Glengarry Glen Ross….and House of Cards…and The Big Kahuna (sort of). 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Honour. Integrity. Principles. Everything is negotiable.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Washington is like Hollywood, only with uglier faces. 2) Jack Abramoff loves the movies and works out every day. 3) Mediocrity is where most people live. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that persuading others to accept a not-so-advantageous deal isn't always easy. 

Really?: Casino Jack is based upon a true story (the script even uses real names!) so I want to tread carefully in this section, but man… Abramoff and Scanlon (Barry Pepper) are so aggressive and obnoxious in this film I had a hard time believing they could somehow become Washington super-lobbyists. 

Rating: Casino Jack is an interesting film that more-or-less works both as a savage satire of the George W. Bush-era Republican Party, and as a crime thriller even though neither Abramoff nor his protégé are come close to being likeable, and the script tries to bite off more than it can chew; for example, we’re told near the end that Abramoff had developed some ties to the Putin government in Russia, but this is never explored or developed. Oh, and I have to give special kudos to Jon Lovitz for a spirited performance as Adam Kidan; I howled with laughter when I watched the scene where he’s stabbed numerous times by a ballpoint pen. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1194417/?ref_=rvi_tt

Married to It (1991)

Synopsis: Three troubled couples form a near-instant bond, proving once again that New Yorkers are the friendliest people on Earth! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Life’s funny. And with good friends, you can even laugh about it.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) New York City parents (and step-parents) with demanding jobs nevertheless take committee assignments at their kids’ school very, very seriously, and wouldn’t even dream of blowing off a scheduled meeting on a weeknight.  2) Kids, don’t EVER invite your dad into your History class to talk about his experiences at Woodstock. (Ok, this advice was a little more appropriate for 1991 than it is for 2019). 

You Might Like This Movie If: you know that marriage complicates everything. 

Really?: 1) See: "Synopsis". Seriously, it’s not that easy to form close new friendships in adulthood, and these folks – who come from very different socio-economic backgrounds - become BFFs in no time flat. 2) See: “What Did I Learn?” Come to think of it, these people hold what – three meetings/dinner parties, and they never get around to discussing decorations for the big 1960s-themed musical. 3) It’s amusing when X, Y and Z go dumpster-diving for furniture and wind up hauling off an old door that’s to be used a desk, but come on – doesn’t New York City have an ample supply of Goodwill and Salvation Army stores? 3) Holy shit, Leo owns his company that does business overseas – doesn’t he have the money to hire professional movers? Doesn’t he have any other male friends besides Chuck and John? 4) It’s nice that Chuck and Sol are able to figure out who set Chuck up on insider trading charges, but where did they find the proof they needed to get the charges dismissed? 5) Speaking of Sol, I totally understand why Chuck needs a lawyer who isn't super-expensive and belives in his innocence, but is it really a good idea to hire somebody who (presumably) doesn't have experience with complicated financial crimes cases? 

Rating: Married to It is  nice little ensemble drama that suffers from a couple of serious problems: the dialogue sounds written, rather than authentic, and I had a bit of trouble believing these people would see each other more than once, let alone quickly develop strong friendships (see: “Synopsis,” “What Did I Learn?” and “Really?”) Still, I wanted to believe in the film’s central premise, and it’s strangely likeable in spite of its credibility issues. Moreover, I have to give Married to It an extra half-star to recognize a powerful scene where Chuck and Nina seriously discuss their problems. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107523/?ref_=rvi_tt

California Split (1974)

Gambling Addiction Movie #4 (Dang - I meant to post this review last month!) 

Synopsis: Elliott Gould stars as one-half of a hell-raising duo in a Robert Altman….no, that’s the Synopsis for M*A*S*H. Um…George Segal is a likeable, middle-class dude who has fallen on hard times and really needs to get some dough. Nope, that’s Fun with Dick and Jane. Um… two guys meet, gamble, and wind up deeply in debt…no, that’s The Music of Chance. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “A jackpot of a comedy about two compulsive gamblers.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) You don’t throw oranges on an escalator! 2) Dumbo flew. 3) Everybody’s named Barbara. 4) The tongue of a great blue whale weighs more than a full-grown African elephant (ok, this last one is probably bullshit).

You Might Like This Movie If: You really don't want to gamble with a California split. 

Really?: 1) So, Charlie (Gould) is somehow able to hustle a bunch of much-younger kids on the basketball court even though he drinks like a fish and looks completely out of shape? 2) Does Bill (Segal) work with the world’s dumbest bookie? How can Sparkie continue to front him money when it’s painfully obvious Bill is too irresponsible to pay him back? And what are the consequences for failing to repay? Bill never seems terribly worried about getting his legs broken. 

Rating: I’ve always had mixed feelings about Robert Altman’s work as a director, but he certainly hit the right notes with California Split. The film itself is funny and presents an easy-going charm even when it provides a warning to the audience about the dangers of compulsive gambling. Segal and Gould share a noticeable chemistry and manage to elevate a good script into a classic character-driven comedy drama. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071269/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1

Honeymoon in Vegas (1992)

Gambling Addiction Movie #3

Synopsis: Nicholas Cage makes some really bad decisions in Sin City….no, that’s the Synopsis for Leaving Las Vegas. Um…. Nicholas Cage wears loud clothing and struts around a casino….no, that’s Snake Eyes. Um....ok, Nicholas Cage acts like Elvis and falls apart when somebody comes between him and the cute blonde he loves....no, that's Wild at Heart. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Featuring a glittery Las Vegas atmosphere, lush Hawaiian scenery and a bevy of Elvis impersonators - including a flock of light-the-night-sky parachuting Elvises(!) - Honeymoon in Vegas is a 'hunka hunka burnin' fun' (Houston Post) and 'an absolute don't miss' (Marilyn Beck) that's sure to 'make you laugh a lot' (The Wall Street Journal)!"

What Did I Learn?: 1) A straight flush is not quite unbeatable. 2) Nothing in this world is fool-proof aside from a Coupe de Ville…and hookers! 3) People get married and then they do the most hideous, unbelievable things to each other. 4) Yellow, then red. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're firmly believe an Elvis impersonation = entertainment gold. 

Really?: 1) Wait – Jack (Cage) has a straight flush and still manages to lose to Tommy (Caan), who also has a straight flush, and we’re assured the game was legitimate? That seems awfully fishy. 2) Gee, Tommy suddenly transforms an abusive and controlling villain rather late in the third act, doesn’t he? 3) So, Jack is a private investigator back in New York. It’s strange how he uses none of his surveillance or tracking skills, and his odd profession is never mentioned past the second act. 4) Holy shit, over how many days does this film take place? Tommy’s prize is a mere weekend with Betsy (Sarah Jessica Parker), yet Jack somehow manages to criss-cross the entire country. Come to think of it, where does he get the money for those flights? I thought he was basically broke. 5) What was the point of Peter Boyle’s character? 

Rating: Honeymoon in Vegas is a highly contrived, and rather uninspired romantic comedy that feels as though it went through a number of re-writes and some of its elements don’t mesh well with others (see: “Really?”) The film is sporadically funny in places (I’ll admit that I liked the exchanges between Cage and Pat Morita), and Caan is great as the charming-yet-menacing professional gambler, but he’s a little too old to play a convincing suiter for Parker’s character. Meh. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104438/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1

Owning Mahowny (2003)

Gambling Addiction Movie #2 (I could have used this for my tribute to movies about Atlantic City a few years ago. Oh, and please click the link to read my reviews of several addiction-themed films) 

Synopsis: Surprisingly grubby bank manager develops out-of-the-box solution to finance his hobby. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The true story of a mild mannered banker and his magnificent obsession.”

What Did I Learn?: Top-level bank executives are apparently really, really dumb. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really miss Toronto in the early 1980s. 

Really?: 1) Owning Mahowny is based upon a true story, so I’m going to tread lightly in this section. 1) See: What Did I Learn?” More specifically, I had a hard time believing Mahowny and his bosses could sit down with the Selkirks to change the terms of the agreement when each party has a wildly different understanding of the money that had been borrowed, and nobody ever mentions a dollar amount. 2) See: “Synopsis.” Come on, could such an unkempt, badly dressed guy who drives a crappy old clunker car really be taken seriously by senior managers at a stuffy bank? 3)  Ok, Victor Foss (John Hurt) is an oily, and completely insincere casino boss – I get that, but capriciously firing Bernie twice just struck me as over-the-top. 

Rating: Owning Mahowny is a surprisingly compelling biopic, especially considering that aside from his obvious addiction to gambling, we learn next to nothing about the motivations of the title character. Ordinarily, I would give this film seven or eight stars, but I loved its authentic depiction of Toronto in the early 1980s, and I’ll admit that I howled with laughter when one of the characters mentioned treating Mahowny and his girlfriend to dinner at Swiss Chalet. 9/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285861/?ref_=rvi_tt

Finding Amanda (2008)

Gambling Addiction Movie #1 (Please click the links to read my reviews of The Cooler, Vig/Money Kings, One Way Out, The Runner, and The Music of Chance) 

Synopsis: Matthew Broderick portrays a likeable, fun-loving gent who hides a secret life from his loved ones….no, that’s the Synopsis for Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Um…Television honcho really dislikes the project he’s working on….no, that’s The TV Set. Um…troubled addict finds caring prostitute with a heart of gold in Sin City….no, that’s Leaving Las Vegas. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “She’s his niece. Really!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Vegas call girls apparently earn so much dough they can afford to buy drugs, drinks in expensive nightclubs, designer clothes, numerous vehicles, and financially support abusive boyfriends who don’t work. (Come to think of it, I’m not sure it makes sense for Taylor to remain so committed to his goal of putting Amanda in rehab and getting her away from prostitution when it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t have a drug problem and her career options are a tad limited). 2) When Ed Begley Jr. isn’t happy, people lose their jobs. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that some Amandas are better left unfound. 

Really?: See: “What Did I Learn?” 2) So, is Taylor a wealthy guy who can afford to get fired from his “last chance” in the TV biz and drop $100 grand in the casino, or not? This is never made clear. 3) Ok, I realize Taylor has a serious gambling problem, but does he seriously think he can steal a $100,000 cheque from his wife and then lie about it to her? 

Rating: Finding Amanda is a wildly uneven misfire; it delivers a few laughs, but it’s not funny enough to work as a comedy (the film is difficult to categorize), and I couldn’t help myself from thinking that Broderick (who does his best with the material, but his character is a little too sleazy to be terribly likeable) and Tiffany Snow appear to be acting in two different movies. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0889134/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1

Kids in the Hall: Same Guys, New Dresses (2001)

Synopsis: Once-edgy comedians come back for another cross-dressing, head-crushing, eeeevil North American tour. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Same Guys New Dresses records the action on and off the stage as the five original Kids In the Hall embark on a high pressure North American in an attempt to rebond as a performing group six years after the run of their successful TV series and rebound from the experience of Brain Candy, their one feature film." 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Based upon his obsession with including a robot dog in the Buddy Cole routine, and his bizarre decision to cancel an appearance on the Conan O’Brien Show at the last minute, I’d say Scott Thompson is a bit of a flake. 1b) Robot dogs aren’t funny. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know it's tough to go on tour and attempt to regain your former glory. 

Really?: 1) Funny how the footage focuses almost entirely on Thompson, Dave Foley, and Kevin McDonald. Was Bruce McCulloch less-than-enthused about making a documentary?  2) Why in the world would Foley schedule laser eye surgery for the day of a performance? 

Rating: As a long-time Kids in the Hall fan, I was a little disappointed with Same Guys, New Dresses for the simple reason that it seems confused; we see bits and pieces of the team’s stage show, as well as a few of their backstage interactions, but there are far too many “the making of…” scenes of the Kids learning choreography or trying on makeup (and all taking at the same time!) for my taste, and the audience isn’t given that much insight into their interpersonal dynamics. 6/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0279176/?ref_=nv_sr_4

Give My Regards to Broad Street (1984)

Synopsis: Supremely-compassionate British rocker discovers a valuable master recording of a new album is missing and his company faces a corporate takeover if it isn’t recovered by midnight, so... he spends the day singing songs and daydreaming a bizarre pantomime set in Victorian times. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Screenwriter/star PAUL McCARTNEY creates a rousing musical fantasy about a pop singer/composer (McCartney) who discovers the master tapes of his new unreleased album have disappeared.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Ringo likes to smoke weed and hit on chicks. 2) Paul apparently regards speed limits as mere suggestions, and possesses an uncanny ability to track down missing people. 3) Paul has been off for years. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You need a reminder that Paul McCartney is a great judge of character. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, what was the point of that whole Victorian-era daydream sequence? [Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!] 2) So, on a whim, Paul decides to check out the Broad Street subway station, and he finds the tape box just sitting on a nearby bench? Nobody even touched it in all the time after Harry placed it there when he needed to take a pee?  3) Let me see…. Paul’s buddy accidentally side-swipes Big Bob’s pickup truck as he’s driving the zillionaire star to the recording studio, and Paul neglects to inform Big Bob when he speaks to him, let alone offer to pay for the damages? What a pal…

Rating: Give My Regards to Broad Street can best be described as a self-indulgent ego trip by Paul McCartney. The film includes a lot of great music and some very high production values (which is why I’m giving it a few stars), but it’s far too long to work as merely a collection of music videos. The biggest problem I have with this film – aside from McCartney’s noticeable lack of acting skills – is that there’s no story, and none of the characters are ever developed, so talented performers like Brown, Tracey Ullman, and Barbara Bach are given nothing to do. The non-musical scenes basically consist of everyone giving Paul a hard time for hiring ex-con Harry, and Paul smugly replying that they’re wrong and there’s nothing to worry about. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure - take a drink anytime you find yourself asking: "when exactly is Paul going to do something to find Harry?"

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087337/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Proud Ones (1956)

Synopsis: Concussed marshal takes on oily casino owner… who doesn’t really want any trouble, and only wishes to be left alone. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “When the law is broken, justice can’t be far behind.” 

What Did I Learn?: More people means more money….or possibly more trouble. 2) Pride can kill a man faster than a bullet. 3) Taking care of yourself is one thing; taking care of a town is another. 4) You can always hire the fools and the drunkards to do something, but when trouble comes, men are hard to find. 5) At night, always walk in the shadows – you can see better. In the daytime, walk away from the sun – you’ll live longer. 6) There’s a good chance you could develop a concussion after receiving a violent head wound. [I’ve always found it amusing how heroes are knocked unconscious in countless movies and television shows, yet they simply wake up and suffer no lasting consequences afterwards]

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch anything from 1956.

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis”. Seriously, John Barrett never seems like a terribly bad guy for a villain, and it’s never made clear if he’s behind Pike’s and Chico’s attempts to murder Marshall Silver or not. 2) Funny how Sally basically disappears from this movie for a long stretch of time, and what was the point of Thad Anderson’s attempt to seduce her? It never leads to anything. 3) Wow….Silver and Anderson both shoot men in the back. 

Rating: The Proud Ones is a rather ho-hum mid-1950s Western that was shot almost entirely on a soundstage, so it doesn’t feature much in the way of stunning visuals. While I liked Robert Ryan’s portrayal of Marshall Silver, it takes a looooong time for anything to happen, and the film needs a more compelling villain. 6.5/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049639/?ref_=rvi_tt

Houseguest (1995)

Synopsis: Dysfunctional upper-middle class family benefits enormously when loveable criminal shows up on their doorstep….sorry, that’s the Synopsis for The Ref.  Hmm…. Mobsters chase glib goofball to recover a surprisingly small debt….no, that’s We’re Talking Serious Money. Ok… Sinbad… Phil Hartman…mayhem in the suburbs…hey, it’s Jingle All the Way without Ahhnold. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They’re just your average everyday uptight family… until the day he shows up!” 

What Did I Learn?: A puree of parsnips and crook-neck squash does NOT taste like nacho cheese. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're convinced that Phil Hartman + Sinbad = comedic gold. [Wow, this song is bad]

Really?: So, wait – the Gasperinis follow Kevin all over rural Pennsylvania to collect the princely sum of $5,000? 2) Holy shit, did McDonald’s front the cash for this film’s production budget? 3) Strange how Kevin clearly knows nothing about dentistry, wine, golf, and a number of other subjects, and whenever anyone challenges him his only strategy is to get angry and viciously ridicule his challenger – and it somehow works every time. 4) Gary (Hartman) finally gets to meet the real Derek Bond - his childhood summer camp buddy - and… they barely exchange a word. I guess the writers couldn’t think of any worthwhile dialogue. 

Rating: Houseguest is just plain awful, which is strange because I somehow remember it being a lot funnier; perhaps I was drunk at the time? Sinbad does his best with the material, but it’s incredibly contrived, juvenile and clichéd; meanwhile, the legendary Hartman is wasted in a straight-man role and looks as though he’s sleepwalking through an overly-long SNL sketch. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Sure – take a drink any time Kevin expresses his love for the golden arches. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110066/?ref_=rvi_tt

Housesitter (1992)

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Housesitter obviously isn't Irish-themed, so please click the links to read my reviews of the films based upon Roddy Doyle's Barrytown trilogy: The Commitments, The Snapper and The Van. 

Synopsis: Free spirit teaches stuffed shirt that lying can bring people together and radically improve relationships. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "She came. She saw. She moved in." 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Half the things we tell ourselves are fiction. 2) Small-town New Englanders are very, very gullible. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Goldie Hawn attempt interpretive dance. 

Really?: Housesitter is a screwball comedy that isn’t meant to be taken too seriously, so I can overlook certain whimsical elements like Davis building a cottage for Gwen’s homeless “parents,” or nobody calling the cops after Davis punches a perfectly innocent Hungarian, but seriously – what happened to Davis’ buddy Marty, or Gwen’s old friend Patty? Both seem to disappear without a trace mid-way through the movie, and neither is present at the big reception. 

Rating: This might be a slightly overly-generous review, but I have to admit that I’ve always liked Housesitter, even if it has a few credibility problems (see: “Really?”) The script is clever and genuinely funny, Martin and Hawn share an undeniable chemistry, and it’s fascinating to watch Gwen’s lies take on lives of their own and suddenly become reality. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104452/?ref_=rvi_tt