Off the Black (2006)

Synopsis: Trouble-making young punk with mopey pop bonds with a new father figure….the grumpy old town drunk. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Would you let this man be your father?”

What Did I Learn?: If I ever decide to umpire little league baseball, I’ll remember that it’s a really good idea to give the local kids all of the close-call decisions. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You need a reminder that alcoholism and parenting don't mix. 

Really?: 1) So, how does Ray (Nick Nolte) know Debra (Rosemarie DeWitt), why is she in this movie, and why is she apparently interested in Dave (Trevor Morgan) even though she’s older than him and far more literate? I get the feeling she was added because the studio didn’t want Ray and Dave’s friendship to look vaguely homoerotic. 2) Mr. Tibbel’s (Timothy Hutton) wife left him a year-and-a-half ago, yet he’s still an emotional cripple and we’re told he often doesn’t go into work. Um… is money an issue for this family? He does he manage to keep his job and somehow put food on the table every week? 3) Hold on, why is Ray such a man of mystery to his classmates? They have his mailing address, for crying out loud – didn’t any of them consider paying him a visit? 

Rating: Off the Black is a very low-key character-driven drama that features a relatable performance from Trevor Morgan and a great one from Nolte. The plot is a bit contrived – I suspect Ray would almost certainly inform Mr. Tibbel about Dave’s vandalism in lieu of calling the cops, but Off the Black is also warm, poignant, and I liked its message about the importance of facing life’s challenges without self-pity. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479965/?ref_=rvi_tt

Casino Jack (2010)

Synopsis: Kevin Spacey plays a viciously aggressive, lying and completely amoral douchebag who… no, wait, that’s the Synopsis for Swimming with Sharks….and Horrible Bosses….and Glengarry Glen Ross….and House of Cards…and The Big Kahuna (sort of). 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Honour. Integrity. Principles. Everything is negotiable.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Washington is like Hollywood, only with uglier faces. 2) Jack Abramoff loves the movies and works out every day. 3) Mediocrity is where most people live. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that persuading others to accept a not-so-advantageous deal isn't always easy. 

Really?: Casino Jack is based upon a true story (the script even uses real names!) so I want to tread carefully in this section, but man… Abramoff and Scanlon (Barry Pepper) are so aggressive and obnoxious in this film I had a hard time believing they could somehow become Washington super-lobbyists. 

Rating: Casino Jack is an interesting film that more-or-less works both as a savage satire of the George W. Bush-era Republican Party, and as a crime thriller even though neither Abramoff nor his protégé are come close to being likeable, and the script tries to bite off more than it can chew; for example, we’re told near the end that Abramoff had developed some ties to the Putin government in Russia, but this is never explored or developed. Oh, and I have to give special kudos to Jon Lovitz for a spirited performance as Adam Kidan; I howled with laughter when I watched the scene where he’s stabbed numerous times by a ballpoint pen. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1194417/?ref_=rvi_tt

Married to It (1991)

Synopsis: Three troubled couples form a near-instant bond, proving once again that New Yorkers are the friendliest people on Earth! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Life’s funny. And with good friends, you can even laugh about it.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) New York City parents (and step-parents) with demanding jobs nevertheless take committee assignments at their kids’ school very, very seriously, and wouldn’t even dream of blowing off a scheduled meeting on a weeknight.  2) Kids, don’t EVER invite your dad into your History class to talk about his experiences at Woodstock. (Ok, this advice was a little more appropriate for 1991 than it is for 2019). 

You Might Like This Movie If: you know that marriage complicates everything. 

Really?: 1) See: "Synopsis". Seriously, it’s not that easy to form close new friendships in adulthood, and these folks – who come from very different socio-economic backgrounds - become BFFs in no time flat. 2) See: “What Did I Learn?” Come to think of it, these people hold what – three meetings/dinner parties, and they never get around to discussing decorations for the big 1960s-themed musical. 3) It’s amusing when X, Y and Z go dumpster-diving for furniture and wind up hauling off an old door that’s to be used a desk, but come on – doesn’t New York City have an ample supply of Goodwill and Salvation Army stores? 3) Holy shit, Leo owns his company that does business overseas – doesn’t he have the money to hire professional movers? Doesn’t he have any other male friends besides Chuck and John? 4) It’s nice that Chuck and Sol are able to figure out who set Chuck up on insider trading charges, but where did they find the proof they needed to get the charges dismissed? 5) Speaking of Sol, I totally understand why Chuck needs a lawyer who isn't super-expensive and belives in his innocence, but is it really a good idea to hire somebody who (presumably) doesn't have experience with complicated financial crimes cases? 

Rating: Married to It is  nice little ensemble drama that suffers from a couple of serious problems: the dialogue sounds written, rather than authentic, and I had a bit of trouble believing these people would see each other more than once, let alone quickly develop strong friendships (see: “Synopsis,” “What Did I Learn?” and “Really?”) Still, I wanted to believe in the film’s central premise, and it’s strangely likeable in spite of its credibility issues. Moreover, I have to give Married to It an extra half-star to recognize a powerful scene where Chuck and Nina seriously discuss their problems. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107523/?ref_=rvi_tt

California Split (1974)

Gambling Addiction Movie #4 (Dang - I meant to post this review last month!) 

Synopsis: Elliott Gould stars as one-half of a hell-raising duo in a Robert Altman….no, that’s the Synopsis for M*A*S*H. Um…George Segal is a likeable, middle-class dude who has fallen on hard times and really needs to get some dough. Nope, that’s Fun with Dick and Jane. Um… two guys meet, gamble, and wind up deeply in debt…no, that’s The Music of Chance. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “A jackpot of a comedy about two compulsive gamblers.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) You don’t throw oranges on an escalator! 2) Dumbo flew. 3) Everybody’s named Barbara. 4) The tongue of a great blue whale weighs more than a full-grown African elephant (ok, this last one is probably bullshit).

You Might Like This Movie If: You really don't want to gamble with a California split. 

Really?: 1) So, Charlie (Gould) is somehow able to hustle a bunch of much-younger kids on the basketball court even though he drinks like a fish and looks completely out of shape? 2) Does Bill (Segal) work with the world’s dumbest bookie? How can Sparkie continue to front him money when it’s painfully obvious Bill is too irresponsible to pay him back? And what are the consequences for failing to repay? Bill never seems terribly worried about getting his legs broken. 

Rating: I’ve always had mixed feelings about Robert Altman’s work as a director, but he certainly hit the right notes with California Split. The film itself is funny and presents an easy-going charm even when it provides a warning to the audience about the dangers of compulsive gambling. Segal and Gould share a noticeable chemistry and manage to elevate a good script into a classic character-driven comedy drama. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071269/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1

Honeymoon in Vegas (1992)

Gambling Addiction Movie #3

Synopsis: Nicholas Cage makes some really bad decisions in Sin City….no, that’s the Synopsis for Leaving Las Vegas. Um…. Nicholas Cage wears loud clothing and struts around a casino….no, that’s Snake Eyes. Um....ok, Nicholas Cage acts like Elvis and falls apart when somebody comes between him and the cute blonde he loves....no, that's Wild at Heart. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Featuring a glittery Las Vegas atmosphere, lush Hawaiian scenery and a bevy of Elvis impersonators - including a flock of light-the-night-sky parachuting Elvises(!) - Honeymoon in Vegas is a 'hunka hunka burnin' fun' (Houston Post) and 'an absolute don't miss' (Marilyn Beck) that's sure to 'make you laugh a lot' (The Wall Street Journal)!"

What Did I Learn?: 1) A straight flush is not quite unbeatable. 2) Nothing in this world is fool-proof aside from a Coupe de Ville…and hookers! 3) People get married and then they do the most hideous, unbelievable things to each other. 4) Yellow, then red. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're firmly believe an Elvis impersonation = entertainment gold. 

Really?: 1) Wait – Jack (Cage) has a straight flush and still manages to lose to Tommy (Caan), who also has a straight flush, and we’re assured the game was legitimate? That seems awfully fishy. 2) Gee, Tommy suddenly transforms an abusive and controlling villain rather late in the third act, doesn’t he? 3) So, Jack is a private investigator back in New York. It’s strange how he uses none of his surveillance or tracking skills, and his odd profession is never mentioned past the second act. 4) Holy shit, over how many days does this film take place? Tommy’s prize is a mere weekend with Betsy (Sarah Jessica Parker), yet Jack somehow manages to criss-cross the entire country. Come to think of it, where does he get the money for those flights? I thought he was basically broke. 5) What was the point of Peter Boyle’s character? 

Rating: Honeymoon in Vegas is a highly contrived, and rather uninspired romantic comedy that feels as though it went through a number of re-writes and some of its elements don’t mesh well with others (see: “Really?”) The film is sporadically funny in places (I’ll admit that I liked the exchanges between Cage and Pat Morita), and Caan is great as the charming-yet-menacing professional gambler, but he’s a little too old to play a convincing suiter for Parker’s character. Meh. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104438/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1

Owning Mahowny (2003)

Gambling Addiction Movie #2 (I could have used this for my tribute to movies about Atlantic City a few years ago. Oh, and please click the link to read my reviews of several addiction-themed films) 

Synopsis: Surprisingly grubby bank manager develops out-of-the-box solution to finance his hobby. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The true story of a mild mannered banker and his magnificent obsession.”

What Did I Learn?: Top-level bank executives are apparently really, really dumb. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really miss Toronto in the early 1980s. 

Really?: 1) Owning Mahowny is based upon a true story, so I’m going to tread lightly in this section. 1) See: What Did I Learn?” More specifically, I had a hard time believing Mahowny and his bosses could sit down with the Selkirks to change the terms of the agreement when each party has a wildly different understanding of the money that had been borrowed, and nobody ever mentions a dollar amount. 2) See: “Synopsis.” Come on, could such an unkempt, badly dressed guy who drives a crappy old clunker car really be taken seriously by senior managers at a stuffy bank? 3)  Ok, Victor Foss (John Hurt) is an oily, and completely insincere casino boss – I get that, but capriciously firing Bernie twice just struck me as over-the-top. 

Rating: Owning Mahowny is a surprisingly compelling biopic, especially considering that aside from his obvious addiction to gambling, we learn next to nothing about the motivations of the title character. Ordinarily, I would give this film seven or eight stars, but I loved its authentic depiction of Toronto in the early 1980s, and I’ll admit that I howled with laughter when one of the characters mentioned treating Mahowny and his girlfriend to dinner at Swiss Chalet. 9/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285861/?ref_=rvi_tt

Finding Amanda (2008)

Gambling Addiction Movie #1 (Please click the links to read my reviews of The Cooler, Vig/Money Kings, One Way Out, The Runner, and The Music of Chance) 

Synopsis: Matthew Broderick portrays a likeable, fun-loving gent who hides a secret life from his loved ones….no, that’s the Synopsis for Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Um…Television honcho really dislikes the project he’s working on….no, that’s The TV Set. Um…troubled addict finds caring prostitute with a heart of gold in Sin City….no, that’s Leaving Las Vegas. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “She’s his niece. Really!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Vegas call girls apparently earn so much dough they can afford to buy drugs, drinks in expensive nightclubs, designer clothes, numerous vehicles, and financially support abusive boyfriends who don’t work. (Come to think of it, I’m not sure it makes sense for Taylor to remain so committed to his goal of putting Amanda in rehab and getting her away from prostitution when it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t have a drug problem and her career options are a tad limited). 2) When Ed Begley Jr. isn’t happy, people lose their jobs. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that some Amandas are better left unfound. 

Really?: See: “What Did I Learn?” 2) So, is Taylor a wealthy guy who can afford to get fired from his “last chance” in the TV biz and drop $100 grand in the casino, or not? This is never made clear. 3) Ok, I realize Taylor has a serious gambling problem, but does he seriously think he can steal a $100,000 cheque from his wife and then lie about it to her? 

Rating: Finding Amanda is a wildly uneven misfire; it delivers a few laughs, but it’s not funny enough to work as a comedy (the film is difficult to categorize), and I couldn’t help myself from thinking that Broderick (who does his best with the material, but his character is a little too sleazy to be terribly likeable) and Tiffany Snow appear to be acting in two different movies. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0889134/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1

Kids in the Hall: Same Guys, New Dresses (2001)

Synopsis: Once-edgy comedians come back for another cross-dressing, head-crushing, eeeevil North American tour. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Same Guys New Dresses records the action on and off the stage as the five original Kids In the Hall embark on a high pressure North American in an attempt to rebond as a performing group six years after the run of their successful TV series and rebound from the experience of Brain Candy, their one feature film." 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Based upon his obsession with including a robot dog in the Buddy Cole routine, and his bizarre decision to cancel an appearance on the Conan O’Brien Show at the last minute, I’d say Scott Thompson is a bit of a flake. 1b) Robot dogs aren’t funny. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know it's tough to go on tour and attempt to regain your former glory. 

Really?: 1) Funny how the footage focuses almost entirely on Thompson, Dave Foley, and Kevin McDonald. Was Bruce McCulloch less-than-enthused about making a documentary?  2) Why in the world would Foley schedule laser eye surgery for the day of a performance? 

Rating: As a long-time Kids in the Hall fan, I was a little disappointed with Same Guys, New Dresses for the simple reason that it seems confused; we see bits and pieces of the team’s stage show, as well as a few of their backstage interactions, but there are far too many “the making of…” scenes of the Kids learning choreography or trying on makeup (and all taking at the same time!) for my taste, and the audience isn’t given that much insight into their interpersonal dynamics. 6/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0279176/?ref_=nv_sr_4

Give My Regards to Broad Street (1984)

Synopsis: Supremely-compassionate British rocker discovers a valuable master recording of a new album is missing and his company faces a corporate takeover if it isn’t recovered by midnight, so... he spends the day singing songs and daydreaming a bizarre pantomime set in Victorian times. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Screenwriter/star PAUL McCARTNEY creates a rousing musical fantasy about a pop singer/composer (McCartney) who discovers the master tapes of his new unreleased album have disappeared.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Ringo likes to smoke weed and hit on chicks. 2) Paul apparently regards speed limits as mere suggestions, and possesses an uncanny ability to track down missing people. 3) Paul has been off for years. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You need a reminder that Paul McCartney is a great judge of character. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, what was the point of that whole Victorian-era daydream sequence? [Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!] 2) So, on a whim, Paul decides to check out the Broad Street subway station, and he finds the tape box just sitting on a nearby bench? Nobody even touched it in all the time after Harry placed it there when he needed to take a pee?  3) Let me see…. Paul’s buddy accidentally side-swipes Big Bob’s pickup truck as he’s driving the zillionaire star to the recording studio, and Paul neglects to inform Big Bob when he speaks to him, let alone offer to pay for the damages? What a pal…

Rating: Give My Regards to Broad Street can best be described as a self-indulgent ego trip by Paul McCartney. The film includes a lot of great music and some very high production values (which is why I’m giving it a few stars), but it’s far too long to work as merely a collection of music videos. The biggest problem I have with this film – aside from McCartney’s noticeable lack of acting skills – is that there’s no story, and none of the characters are ever developed, so talented performers like Brown, Tracey Ullman, and Barbara Bach are given nothing to do. The non-musical scenes basically consist of everyone giving Paul a hard time for hiring ex-con Harry, and Paul smugly replying that they’re wrong and there’s nothing to worry about. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure - take a drink anytime you find yourself asking: "when exactly is Paul going to do something to find Harry?"

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087337/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Proud Ones (1956)

Synopsis: Concussed marshal takes on oily casino owner… who doesn’t really want any trouble, and only wishes to be left alone. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “When the law is broken, justice can’t be far behind.” 

What Did I Learn?: More people means more money….or possibly more trouble. 2) Pride can kill a man faster than a bullet. 3) Taking care of yourself is one thing; taking care of a town is another. 4) You can always hire the fools and the drunkards to do something, but when trouble comes, men are hard to find. 5) At night, always walk in the shadows – you can see better. In the daytime, walk away from the sun – you’ll live longer. 6) There’s a good chance you could develop a concussion after receiving a violent head wound. [I’ve always found it amusing how heroes are knocked unconscious in countless movies and television shows, yet they simply wake up and suffer no lasting consequences afterwards]

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch anything from 1956.

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis”. Seriously, John Barrett never seems like a terribly bad guy for a villain, and it’s never made clear if he’s behind Pike’s and Chico’s attempts to murder Marshall Silver or not. 2) Funny how Sally basically disappears from this movie for a long stretch of time, and what was the point of Thad Anderson’s attempt to seduce her? It never leads to anything. 3) Wow….Silver and Anderson both shoot men in the back. 

Rating: The Proud Ones is a rather ho-hum mid-1950s Western that was shot almost entirely on a soundstage, so it doesn’t feature much in the way of stunning visuals. While I liked Robert Ryan’s portrayal of Marshall Silver, it takes a looooong time for anything to happen, and the film needs a more compelling villain. 6.5/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049639/?ref_=rvi_tt

Houseguest (1995)

Synopsis: Dysfunctional upper-middle class family benefits enormously when loveable criminal shows up on their doorstep….sorry, that’s the Synopsis for The Ref.  Hmm…. Mobsters chase glib goofball to recover a surprisingly small debt….no, that’s We’re Talking Serious Money. Ok… Sinbad… Phil Hartman…mayhem in the suburbs…hey, it’s Jingle All the Way without Ahhnold. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They’re just your average everyday uptight family… until the day he shows up!” 

What Did I Learn?: A puree of parsnips and crook-neck squash does NOT taste like nacho cheese. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're convinced that Phil Hartman + Sinbad = comedic gold. [Wow, this song is bad]

Really?: So, wait – the Gasperinis follow Kevin all over rural Pennsylvania to collect the princely sum of $5,000? 2) Holy shit, did McDonald’s front the cash for this film’s production budget? 3) Strange how Kevin clearly knows nothing about dentistry, wine, golf, and a number of other subjects, and whenever anyone challenges him his only strategy is to get angry and viciously ridicule his challenger – and it somehow works every time. 4) Gary (Hartman) finally gets to meet the real Derek Bond - his childhood summer camp buddy - and… they barely exchange a word. I guess the writers couldn’t think of any worthwhile dialogue. 

Rating: Houseguest is just plain awful, which is strange because I somehow remember it being a lot funnier; perhaps I was drunk at the time? Sinbad does his best with the material, but it’s incredibly contrived, juvenile and clichéd; meanwhile, the legendary Hartman is wasted in a straight-man role and looks as though he’s sleepwalking through an overly-long SNL sketch. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Sure – take a drink any time Kevin expresses his love for the golden arches. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110066/?ref_=rvi_tt

Housesitter (1992)

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Housesitter obviously isn't Irish-themed, so please click the links to read my reviews of the films based upon Roddy Doyle's Barrytown trilogy: The Commitments, The Snapper and The Van. 

Synopsis: Free spirit teaches stuffed shirt that lying can bring people together and radically improve relationships. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "She came. She saw. She moved in." 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Half the things we tell ourselves are fiction. 2) Small-town New Englanders are very, very gullible. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Goldie Hawn attempt interpretive dance. 

Really?: Housesitter is a screwball comedy that isn’t meant to be taken too seriously, so I can overlook certain whimsical elements like Davis building a cottage for Gwen’s homeless “parents,” or nobody calling the cops after Davis punches a perfectly innocent Hungarian, but seriously – what happened to Davis’ buddy Marty, or Gwen’s old friend Patty? Both seem to disappear without a trace mid-way through the movie, and neither is present at the big reception. 

Rating: This might be a slightly overly-generous review, but I have to admit that I’ve always liked Housesitter, even if it has a few credibility problems (see: “Really?”) The script is clever and genuinely funny, Martin and Hawn share an undeniable chemistry, and it’s fascinating to watch Gwen’s lies take on lives of their own and suddenly become reality. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104452/?ref_=rvi_tt

Free Enterprise (1998)

Synopsis: Loveable dorks approaching the big 3-OH make the startling realization that William Shatner is a bit of a whackjob. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “FREE ENTERPRISE changed the way fans saw William Shatner and themselves in a performance since called a comic masterpiece.” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s not a great idea to wear a Starfleet uniform on your first day of high school. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you would gladly accept a promise from William Shatner. 

Really?: 1) Apparently, it’s really easy to bang hot model-actress chicks in Hollywood when you’re flat broke, carless and always discussing Star Trek in casual conversation. 2) I realize Mark and Sean consider Robert to be a good friend, but I had a hard time believing they would lend him so much dough knowing he has no means of repaying them, and doesn’t seem all that eager to get his career back on track. 3) Ok, Shatner’s idea of producing, and starring in a musical version of Julius Caesar is pretty wacky, but wouldn’t he have an extensive network of people in the entertainment industry? Why would he humour Mark and Robert when it’s obvious neither of them have any influence? 

Rating: Free Enterprise is the sort of film I’ve always enjoyed: character-and-dialogue-driven comedy-dramas that provide some insight into the human condition and don’t take themselves too seriously. On the whole, Free Enterprise is an entertaining, often-funny and cleverly-written low-budget film, and Shatner is hilarious when he pokes fun at his action hero image - you also have to like his unique take on Shakespeare. Unfortunately, some of the humour falls flat, Mark and Robert aren’t terribly likeable, and long stretches pass between Shatner’s appearances. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0141105/?ref_=rvi_tt

Star Trek (2009)

Please click the link to read my review of Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Synopsis: Hollywood attempts to revive ailing billion-dollar franchise by rebooting once-popular 40-year-old TV series. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The future begins in JJ Abrams’ smash hit STAR TREK.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, they’re still listening to the Beastie Boys and selling gasoline to power 1960/1970s lead sleds in the 23^rd Century. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a die-hard Trekkie. 

Really?: Wow….where do I begin? Ok, here goes… 1) What’s “red matter”? How does it work? Why does it create black holes? And how exactly would Spock save Romulus by transforming its supernova sun into a black hole? 2) So, wait – Nero is pissed at Spock because he tried to prevent the disaster and failed? And instead of…I don’t know….warning contemporary Romulans that their sun will go nova in 130 years, he waits around in space for 25 years to exact revenge upon the guy who tried to save his planet, and everyone connected to him? 3) I had a hard time believing Spock would load Kirk into a pod and jettison him towards a nearby planet (wouldn’t the brig suffice?). I had an even harder time believing he would somehow run into future Spock and Scotty within a few hours of landing on the surface. 4) Spock advises himself to put aside logic and do what feels right? That doesn’t sound like Spock. 5) Take a drink any time Kirk hangs precariously and looks as though he’s about to fall to his death. 6) Hold on – aside from Captain Pike, why is the Federation’s flagship vessel crewed entirely by early 20-something cadets, and why would Pike appoint Kirk First Officer? And how in the world does Kirk bypass the ranks of Ensign, Lieutenant, Lt-Commander and Commander to officially become Captain of the Enterprise at the end? 7) What was the point of Scotty transporting into the Enterprise’s plumbing system? And he’s appointed to the role of Chief Engineer soon after beaming aboard? 8) Nero’s ship is a mining vessel, right? Why does it resemble a giant porcupine, and why is it armed to the teeth? 9) See: “What Did I Learn?”

Rating: A friend from high school assured me several years ago that I would like this movie; he was wrong. Star Trek is ok as a popcorn flick (which is why I’m giving this a barely-passing grade), but it has some credibility problems (see: “What Did I Learn?” and “Really?”), its characters bear little resemblance to their namesakes on the television series (Scotty is bumbling comic relief? Kirk is a reckless, authority-challenging asshole? The Vulcans take a “whatevs” approach to logic?), the fast-paced intercutting is difficult to follow, and the whole thing just struck me as a cynical cash-grab (see: “Synopsis”). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0796366/?ref_=rvi_tt

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Synopsis: Bruce Campbell opens a can of whoop-ass on evil undead….no, that’s the synopsis for Army of Darkness. Um…. Ossie Davis humours an elderly, and possibly delusional buddy on an ill-advised adventure…no, that’s I’m Not Rappaport. Ok, the King of Rock-and-Roll abandons his identity, poses as a regular Joe, and goes on a mission to help others….no, that’s Finding Graceland.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Mud Creek, Texas, is about to get all shook up.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you have a bad hip and generally get around with the aid of a walker, it’s probably not a great idea to attempt a karate move. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're pretty sure Elvis didn't kick the bucket in 1977.

Really?: This movie asks us to believe Elvis switched identities with an impersonator and somehow wound up in a fleabag East Texas nursing home, his best friend is an elderly black guy who thinks he’s JFK, and the two of them are forced to forced to fight a 3,000-year old Egyptian mummy who feeds on the souls of the living. I don’t know where to begin. 

Rating: Bubba Ho-Tep is one weird movie: part horror, part black comedy, and part character-driven drama about the fears of growing old and importance of feeling needed. I can’t call BHT a great film, but it spins a good yarn, and cult actor Campbell finds the right balance between noble and pathetic in his portrayal of Elvis. Check it out if you get a chance. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0281686/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Protecting the King (2007)

Please click the links to read my reviews of two other Elvis-themed movies: 3000 Miles to Graceland, and Finding Graceland. 

Synopsis: Violent, coke-snorting philanderer is paid big money to protect another violent, pill-popping philanderer….who can sing. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Sex, drugs and violence - they’re all part of the job when you’re working for the King of Rock & Roll.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you’re ever arrested for statutory rape, your best defence is to immediately leave the state is soon as you’re released because the entire matter will be immediately dropped and forgotten. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that it isn't easy to be the King of Rock-and-Roll. 

Really?: 1) So, where’s Priscilla? Where’s Colonel Tom Parker? Why doesn’t anyone address, or refer to Elvis by name? Why just “the King?” 2) Let’s see….David beats a man senseless, snorts a whole lot of cocaine, gets caught by the police with an under-aged girl in a hotel room and then flees the state (see: “Really?”), and the worst thing that happens to him is that his marriage breaks up? And we’re supposed to feel sorry for him? 3) Wow….David is awfully wise, and strangely attuned to subtle nuances for a 16-year old. 

Rating: Protecting the King left me feeling disappointed. Based upon the recollections of Presley’s real-life stepbrother, D. Edward Stanley, the film is strangely devoid of any insights into “the King,” and the the protagonist is far too thick-headed and unlikeable to be terribly sympathetic. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: I doubt it, but take a drink any time David decides he isn’t going to take any shit from someone and reacts badly. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780530/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Jerry Maguire (1996)

Synopsis: Show me the overacting! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “But with the help of one loyal colleague and one outrageous client, JERRY MAGUIRE learns that loving well is the best revenge.” 

What Did I Learn?: The human head weighs eight pounds. 3) Kwan means love, respect, community and dollars. 4) A real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mom. 5) We live in a cynical world. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Tom Cruise is just the guy to play a beloved Everyman. 

Really?: 1) So, wait – Jerry gets fired, and he’s somehow allowed to stay in his office for a good length of time in order to call his clients and ask them to leave the company? Wouldn’t he most likely get barred at the door, or escorted out by security guards?  2) How many times a week does that divorced women’s group meet, and why are they always camped out in Anne-Louise’s living room? 3) Let’s see…. There’s the hockey player who’s had several concussions and his son is really worried about him…. Rod’s brother, who is obviously jealous of Rod’s success…. Jerry’s ex, Avery, who is probably insane…. The nanny who loves jazz music… just how many minor characters and subplots does this movie introduce and then fail to develop? 4) Do Dicky Fox’s short monologues really add anything? They’re not particularly funny, and they don’t provide any insights into the strange world of professional sports agency. 

Rating: Jerry Maguire is a nice romantic comedy that could have been better with some recasting and a tighter script (see: #3 of “Really”). The film delivers a number of great lines and some genuinely funny scenes, and I was particularly impressed by Rene Zellweger and Cuba Gooding Jr; the latter somehow manages to make Rod obnoxious, yet still strangely likeable, which is no easy feat. The biggest problem I have with Jerry Maguire (aside from a number of unnecessary scenes that pad out the running time to two hours and nineteen minutes!) Is Cruise himself - he wildly overacts in nearly every scene (see: “Synopsis”) and doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes less is more. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116695/?ref_=rvi_tt

The Iceman (2012)

This would have been great for my tribute to gangster movies in 2011

Synopsis: Violent psychopath ices (literally!) other bad people. And we’re expected to give a shit.  

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Loving husband. Devoted father. Ruthless killer.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you’re ever tempted to kill somebody, throw the corpse into a freezer for a few months before giving it the old dumperoo – the Medical Examiner will have no idea when the time or date of death took place. 2) John Ventimiglia (best remembered as Artie Bucco from The Sopranos) is a shitty dancer. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You assume it's a prediction of the future, based upon the title. 

Really?: I realize The Iceman was based upon a true story, but I had a bit of trouble believing Bob “Mr. Freezy” Pronge (Chris Evans) would accept Richard (Michael Shannon) as a literal partner-in-crime after the latter fired a pistol at point-blank range in his face and threatened his life. 2) So, the New York mob hires Richard to do a hit, and then refuses to pay him? Hey, that’s a great idea. 

Rating: I have to give The Iceman a bit of a mixed review; Michael Shannon delivers a convincing performance at Richard Kuklinski, and he shares a number of great scenes with Winona Ryder as his strangely-oblivious wife and Ray Liota. Set mostly in the 1960s and 1970s, the film is noteworthy for its attention to period authenticity. Kuklinski’s story is certainly compelling, but The Iceman doesn’t really work as a biopic – there’s no noticeable narrative, and the audience isn’t given much insight into why he turned into a monster, aside from surviving childhood abuse. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1491044/?ref_=nv_sr_1

American Sniper (2014)

Synopsis: US Marine sniper becomes increasingly detached from reality during violent tour of duty in Iraq…sorry, that’s the Synopsis for Jarhead. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Chris Kyle’s (Bradley Cooper) mission is to protect his brothers in arms while being a prime target of insurgents.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) There are three types of people in the world: sheep, wolves and sheep dogs. 2) The key distinction between Texans and rednecks is that the former ride horses, while the latter ride their cousins. 3) You can only circle the flames so long. 4) Iraqi dirt tastes like dog shit.

You Might Like This Movie If: You always wondered why some men grow up to become snipers. 

Really?: So, does Chris (Bradley Cooper) have an opinion on the Iraq war? Ok, he’s a “sheepdog”, and he sees his role as killing bad people, and I’m sure he killed some legitimately evil people, but it’s strange how he doesn’t really his own PTSD, and never once questions the wisdom of invading Iraq or asks if the larger goals were worth the lives of so many of his colleagues. 

Rating: Directed by Clint Eastwood, American Sniper provides a compelling, but very limited look at the life of a young man with a strong sense of mission. The film works best when Chris Kyle is in Iraq and on the trail of a rival Iraqi sniper, and it gets awkward when he’s back in Texas and uncommunicative towards his long-suffering wife. It’s a good film that could have been better with a bit more analysis of the larger picture. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2179136/?ref_=rvi_tt