Saturday, March 11, 2017

Tango and Cash (1989)

Synopsis: Wrongly-imprisoned law enforcement officers bust out of jail, and um.... single-handedly attack a drug kingpin’s heavily-fortified warehouse complex using a “borrowed” bullet-proof monster truck with mounted machine guns. Wait, WTF?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Ray Tango and Gabe Cash are rival LA policemen with one thing in common: each thinks he is the best. Team them and they’re like oil and water. But frame them for a crime and they’re like a match and kerosene.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Rambo is a “pussy.” 2) F.U.B.A.R. stands for “fucked-up beyond all recognition”; 3) Quick and easy is how you make a cake. Or clean a toilet bowl, or shop... by mail. But quicker and easier is not how you run a multi-million dollar business.

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” 2) I could see Tango and Cash getting fired, or placed on administrative leave while the charges against them go to court, but I don’t think there’s even remotely enough evidence to convict either of them. And then they’re somehow sent to the wrong prison, and nobody can find out what happened to them? 3) How much punishment can either of these guys endure? They’re beaten senseless in the Big House, then electrocuted, and then they fall at least two or three storeys from a high tension wire and lands on their spines, and they’re both good to go? 4) Hmm....I learned from The Wire that drug dealers aren’t that keen on talking over the phone, yet Perret (Palance) and his minions conduct business via video conferencing? And this is 1989? 5) Ok, I give up... 

Rating: Tango and Cash is a cheesy, predictable, and badly-written late-1980s buddy cop action-comedy that’s partly-redeemed by a few funny moments, and the fact that none of its major performers take themselves too seriously. Still, I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Hey, Bad Movie Nights were made for dumb-but-fun films such as Tango and Cash. Take a drink any time Jack Palance acts batshit crazy (he’s fucking hilarious, by the way), or either of our heroes drop a lame-and-unnecessary one-liner.

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