Christmas Movie #4
Synopsis: Selfish musclehead finds redemption for his sins by beating the crap out of people and saving an orphanage that consists of three kids.
Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Supersized wrestling and movie star Hulk Hogan goes from naughty to nice in Santa With Muscles, a lighthearted adventure powered by a St. Nick with flex appeal.”
What Did I Learn?: Giant candy canes aren’t much help when you’re involved in hand-to-hand combat with the Hulkster.
You Might Like This Movie If: You think Hulk Hogan is a good role model for children.
Really?: 1) When the cops want you to pull over, it’s not advisable to fire paintballs at their windshields and attempt to outrun them when you’re driving a Hummer. 2) Wouldn’t you remember living in an orphanage when you were a kid? 3) If I had just seen a piezo-electric crystal explode after falling on the floor, I don't think I'd attempt to use another one as a sword. 4) Oh, what's the use...?
Rating: Santa With Muscles isn’t quite as God-awful as American Commandos, but that’s only because it doesn’t contain a ten-minute film loop, and I wouldn’t watch any part of this movie again. The plot and dialogue are laughably bad, and you can’t help yourself from feeling sorry for Garrett Morris and Ed Begley Jr for appearing in this turd, but there a couple of funny lines (“look out – he’s got a candy cane!”), so I’ll give it a slightly-better-than-horrible rating. 1.5/10 stars.