Thursday, September 21, 2017

The Room (2003)

Schuster at the Movies is now six years old! I began this blog by reviewing Citizen Kane, which is believed by many to be the best motion picture ever made. Well, guess what….today, I’m going to review The Room, which is believed by many to be the absolute worst. 
Synopsis: Ok, just imagine Ed Wood came back from the dead in order to write, produce, and direct a highly melodramatic, low-budget version of Singles, starring some narcissistic Eurotrash weirdo with long, greasy hair. 
Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Johnny is a successful banker who lives happily in a San Francisco townhouse with his fiancĂ©e, Lisa. One day, inexplicably, she gets bored with him and decides to seduce his best friend, Mark. From there, nothing will be the same again." [Taken from, as I watched the movie on Youtube.]
What Did I Learn?: 1) Chris-R doesn’t HAVE five fucking minutes! 2) Chocolate is the symbol of love. 3) If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live. 4) All men are assholes. Men and women use and abuse each other all the time; there's nothing wrong with it. Marriage has nothing to do with love.
Really?: Oh, God….where do I begin? 1) What’s funny about some unnamed dude beating up a girl so badly she winds up in a hospital on Guerrero Street? 2) By the 26-minute mark, we’ve seen three - count ‘em - THREE strangely un-erotic sex scenes set to atrocious R&B music. 3) So, what’s the point of Claudette revealing she has breast cancer, or Denny owing Chris-R money for drugs? These subplots are introduced, and then never mentioned again, let alone resolved. 4) So, Denny is secretly in love with Lisa? Oh wait… right after he admits that, he also says he’s still in love with his girlfriend and wants to marry her. 5) Speaking of Denny, I still don’t know what to make of him jumping into bed with Johnny and Lisa. 6) Holy shit, how  many people use Johnny’s apartment as a booty call crash pad? And he’s ok with it? 7) The plot is so thin that it’s nearly non-existent, yet it still manages to contradict itself…. A) Lisa wants to end her relationship with Johnny (because he’s “boring,” apparently), but early on, it sure looks as though she’s madly in love with him. B) If Lisa wants to end her relationship with Johnny, why doesn’t she just leave? Why get him drunk in order to bait him into hitting her, and why lie about domestic abuse when he doesn’t take the bait? C) Come to think of it, why does she mix vodka with scotch? Who would possibly want to drink that? Ok, that’s it….I can’t do this anymore 
Rating: The Room is more-or-less the Rebecca Black’s Friday of movies: universally panned, but viewed and shared about a zillion times on social media. By any objective measurement - story development, dialogue, acting, editing, etc… The Room should be considered a cinematic failure, but here’s the thing: every scene is a complete train wreck, and it’s really, really funny. I found myself howling with laughter a number of times, and I realized it’s a much better comedy than Wedding Crashers or The Sweetest Thing. Check it out at least once. 0/10 stars… or maybe it’s worth 10/10 stars. I’m actually rather conflicted about this, so it will appear on both my Best-of and Worst-of lists for 2017. 
Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Oh Hell, yes! Take a drink any time: a) Lisa says: “I don’t want to talk about it,” b) the guys throw a football around, c) anyone says: “don’t worry,” d) somebody takes a tumble, e) we’re informed that Mark and Johnny are best friends, or f) anyone is greeted with an “oh, hi.”

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