Shaft (1971)

 

Shaft #2

Synopsis: Foul-mouthed New York private detective somehow stays out of the slammer, obtains money, sex and favours, and even cracks a big case even though he manages to insult everyone he encounters. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Shaft’s the name. Excitement’s the game!” 

What Did I Learn?:1) Don’t let your mouth get your ass in trouble. 2) Gangster Bumpy Jonas sells “broads and dope and numbers,” while Shaft sells “crap and blue skies,” but it’s all the same game. 3) Money ALWAYS matters. 4) Shaft charges $50 an hour plus expenses and insists upon no questions about how he spends it. [According to the Bank of Canada’s inflation calculator, $50 in 1971 is equal to about $324 in 2020]

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to see the ho-hum detective movie that inspired an amazing soundtrack. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Holy shit, Shaft throws a guy out of his office window onto the street and kills him, yet the cops let him go with a warning to stay in touch even though he’s rude to them and doesn’t provide many answers. 2) I wonder how Shaft can wear all of that leather without squeaking everywhere he goes. 

Rating: John Shaft isn’t a terribly likeable character (he’s kind of a jerk - see “Synopsis” and “Really?”), and this film is a bit dated, but Shaft is still a somewhat entertaining and compelling gumshoe thriller as well as an interesting look at New York in the early 1970s. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067741/?ref_=ttqt_qt_tt

Shaft (2019)

 

Shaft #1

Synopsis: Venerable blaxploitation franchise descends into self-parody. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Legendary bada** John Shaft (Samuel L. Jackson) agrees to help his estranged son JJ (Jessie T. Usher), uncover the truth about his friend’s suspicious death.” 

What Did I Learn?: Never throw up on the hot girl that’s feeling you. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly watch Samuel L. Jackson in just about anything. 

Really?: 1) So, Samuel L. Jackson was over 70 when he made this film? Isn’t that a bit old for swashbuckling? 2) Hmm… Shaft demands money from a drug dealer for scuffing his coat, but doesn’t think to reimburse the poor truck driver who now has a shattered windshield because he fired a shotgun at the fleeing bad dude. 

Rating: I wanted to like Shaft - my girlfriend saw it on a plane and suggested it might make a nice date night movie, but it left me somewhat cold. To be sure, the film delivers several good laughs, which is why it deserves at least a few stars, but aside from Usher’s terrible acting, that’s the main problem: the non-stop zingers (most of which are fairly crass) and occasional episodes of slapstick don’t mesh with the more serious plot, and this Shaft simply doesn’t feel like a worthy successor to the Richard Roundtree action thrillers of the 1970s. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely! Take a drink any time you find yourself thinking John Shaft Jr. (Usher) is a little too whiny to be a likeable protagonist. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4463894/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Paul (2011)

 

Synopsis: Did you ever want to see E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial reimagined as a dopey buddy stoner comedy? Today is your lucky day…. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Paul is a must-own comedy adventure not to be missed!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) In America, kidnapping a Christian is worse than harbouring a fugitive. 2) You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to get to know the real Paul. 

Really?: 1) Ok, I realize the entire premise of this film - and most of its humour - derives from Paul sounding like Seth Rogan, and acting like a weed-smoking jerk, but he’s still an alien… he has some unusual powers, but does he ever actually think differently than humans? He never seems to provide any insights into his observations of Earth or the human condition. 2) Funny how Graeme and Clive are visiting the US from the UK, but this fact gets almost entirely buried; real cops would have mentioned that the RV-driving nerds they encountered earlier were British, for example, and I expected Paul to make an “Airstrip One” joke, but it never came. 3) I’m certainly not a Creationist, but the film’s treatment of Ruth and her father was pretty despicable; had Simon Pegg and Nick Frost painted any other ethnic or religious group as being so violent, ignorant, and closed-minded they would have been accused of bigotry. 

Rating: While the depiction of the Buggs left a bad taste in my mouth (see: "Really?" #3), Paul is otherwise a relatively enjoyable buddy comedy that pokes some good-natured fun at some iconic science fiction films and doesn’t take itself too seriously. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1092026/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

The Best of Times (1986)

 

No, I'm not doing a tribute to Robin Williams - I simply forgot that the last film I reviewed was Dead Poets Society.

Synopsis: Over-the-hill losers decide to replay that big high school football game years later because it will somehow bring the town back to life, or some similar convoluted bullshit. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “a hilarious film full of heart and charm, THE BEST OF TIMES makes good on the American dream. Join the team that wants to win for all the right reasons!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Jack Dundee (Robin Williams) is “pretty fast for a Caucasian” and lies about never having paid for sex; his best friend thinks he’s a “low life, blackmailing chickenshit squid.” 2) Throwing orange paint on people is a good way to make them angry. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know what it's like to live with a hoarder. 

Really?: 1) Funny how everyone associated with the 1972 Bakersfield team is ready, willing and available to play a rematch in 1985, yet Jack and the others have great difficulty tracking down their own offensive line. (Come to think of it, wouldn’t the return of these players have been more interesting and meaningful if Jack and Reno had tracked down each one and talked to them a la Oceans Eleven?) 2) So, what has Kid Lester been up to all of these years, and how does he apparently have his strange, mystical powers? Shouldn’t the audience have met him a little earlier than the big game right at the end? 3) This is a big one: it’s not entirely clear if Jack intentionally brings the tiger costume into his team’s locker room; if it was a mistake, it’s a giant fuck-up and I can’t believe anyone would be that stupid. If he knowingly did it to fire up Reno, it’s still incredibly risky because it could ruin their friendship (Jack threw paint on Reno’s wife while wearing that costume, for crying out loud!) and make Jack a complete social pariah. 4) It’s strange how the residents of Taft spontaneously decide to clean up their town in anticipation of the big game; it’s also a bit odd that such a story apparently doesn’t generate any news media coverage. 5) Holy shit, if I had to listen to Land of Hope and Glory one more time, I was going to snap. 

Rating: The Best of Times is an interesting comedic misfire. Williams and Kurt Russell work well together, and I liked their buddy chemistry, but the film suffers from some credibility and pacing issues, and the script really would have benefited from a rewrite. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090713/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Dead Poets Society (1990)

 

Synopsis: Disaster ensues after impressionable high school students take their caring and empathetic teacher’s profound words about self-empowerment and non-conformity seriously. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “He was their inspiration He made their lives extraordinary.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) There’s a time for daring and a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for. 2) Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. 3) The best advice for high school students would be to agree with everything your parents and school administrators have to say, don’t make waves and don’t be afraid to squeal like a pig to save your own academic career, because everyone in this film who defies authority meets with an unfortunate end. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to hear some poetry. 

Really?: 1) Don’t these kids ever ponder the consequences of their actions? How did Neil think his father would react to him disobeying his orders by starring in a high school play? What did Knox think would happen after he decided to make out with a semi-conscious girl right in front of her boyfriend and his football buddies? Did Charlie even consider the possibility that he might get paddled, and possibly expelled for publicly ridiculing the headmaster? 2) So, Mr.-Find-Your-Own-Way-In-Life orders his students to rip pages out of their textbooks because he disagrees with J. Evans Pritchard’s essay? Is that action meant to advance free-thinking or intolerance for opposing views? 3) Keating (Robin Williams) and his pupils certainly quote a lot of poetry, but he doesn’t seem to provide any insights into the subject. 3) Ok, I can see Cameron finking on Keating in order to save himself from expulsion, but justifying it to his classmates with a hateful and completely self-serving speech? Considering the audience had absolutely no reason to suspect or dislike Cameron up until that moment, I have to say that it’s awfully contrived.  

Rating: I have to give Dead Poets Society something of a mixed review. While I liked this coming-of-age drama’s overall message about finding one’s own path in life, and standing up for what’s right, and one has to admire both Williams’ fine performance and the film’s beautiful cinematography, something about Dead Poets Society has always rubbed me the wrong way (see: “Synopsis,” “What Did I Learn?” #3 and “Really?”); Dead Poets Society is a good movie, but its a little too superficial, one-sided and contrived for my taste to be a great one. 7.5/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097165/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Black Sunday (1977)

 

Synopsis: Israeli commandos and senior FBI agents race against time to stop an authorized half-time show at Super Bowl X. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Black Sunday is the powerful story of a Black September terrorist group attempting to blow up a Goodyear blimp hovering over the Super Bowl stadium with 80,000 people and the President of the United States in attendance.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Cancelling the Super Bowl is akin to cancelling Christmas. 2) Anyone who has a nervous breakdown has got to have something wrong with them. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you know that blowing up the Goodyear blimp wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen during a Super Bowl. 

Really?: 1) I’d like to know a bit more about Lander’s (Bruce Dern) motivations. I realize Lander was treated badly by his wife and the military, but I had some trouble believing he would become not just a cold-blooded murderer but a suicide bomber for a Palestinian terrorist group. 1b) For that matter, I was a bit surprised that Dahlia (Marthe Keller) would similarly volunteer for suicide bomber duty, considering she’s a multilingual, and highly competent killer who would (presumably) be much more useful to her comrades alive than dead. 2) Hey, if Sean Connery can portray a Saudi Arabian diplomat, I guess Robert Shaw can be an Israeli commando. 3) Wait, do the terrorists know the US President will attend the Super Bowl? This is never mentioned until the third act of the film. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that if the Secret Service is given credible intelligence of a possible future terrorist attack they have the authority to tell the President: "nuh-uh...you're not going." 

Rating: Black Sunday is slightly dated, and it may bore modern action movie fans because long stretches pass without any violence, but in my opinion John Frankenheimer succeeded in crafting a gripping counterterrorism thriller that’s well worth checking out at least once. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075765/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_2

Threesome (1994)

 

Synopsis: Hmm… the title of this movie is “Threesome” and the VHS jacket features two dudes and an attractive young woman; take a wild guess about what happens. 

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “One girl. Two guys. Three possibilities.” 

What Did I Learn?: Sex is kinda like pizza - when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're fascinated by its subject matter, and its ability to inspire thoughtful and tasteful entertainment. 

Really?: 1) It’s amazing that Eddy writes all of Stuart’s essays and still has time for his own studies. Come to think of it, None of these kids seems to spend all that much time with the more mundane activities of going to university: studying for exams, researching and drafting papers, etc… 2) Funny how Eddy’s sexual attraction to Stuart commences mid-way through the movie after Alex moves in; that seems a bit contrived. 3) So, the other residents of the dormitory are gossiping about Eddy, Stuart and Alex, and none of them seem to care about what’s being said. This subplot should have been developed further. 4) Apparently, this film was based upon a real-life situation, but I had a bit of trouble believing a key part of the film’s premise; Stuart has no problems wooing and banging attractive women, so I’m not sure why he would fall for her, or engage in such a weird relationship. 5) Holy shit, this is a film about three young people in university - don’t any of them have parents, family members or even high school friends who might visit? 

Rating: I had never seen Threesome until a few days ago (which is strange, considering it’s generally regarded as a film that helped define Generation X, along with Singles and Reality Bites), so I was pleasantly surprised by its thoughtful observations on friendship and sexuality, witty dialogue, and a sexy performance by Lara Flynn Boyle. The film is a bit contrived in places - I seriously doubt the university would force Alex to share a dorm with two young men when it’s obvious she’s a woman and somebody made a mistake - and it could use a few more laughs, but it’s otherwise an enjoyable, if unusual romantic comedy. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111418/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Requiem For a Dream (2000)

 

Dang - this would have been perfect for my salute to addiction-themed movies back in 2011!

Synopsis: Confused older lady and her nitwit son, as well as the son’s troubled girlfriend and his streetwise straight-up G find out the hard way that drugs are bad, mkay? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Darren Aronofsky follows up his acclaimed π with this emotionally charged film set amidst the abandoned beaches and faded glory of Coney Island, Brooklyn.” 

What Did I Learn?: Holy shit, if I ever decide to become a heroin junkie, I’ll never inject into the same location more than once, and if I find myself addicted to diet pills, my very first action will be to unplug the refrigerator! 

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe your major appliances have minds of their own. 

Really?: 1) I had a bit of a hard time believing Sara (Ellen Burstyn in a magnificent performance) would actually watch, let alone wish to appear on the Tappy Tibbons show, considering his way of life revolves around giving up red meat and sugar, and it’s obvious that Sara likes to eat. 2) Wait - it’s obvious that Harry (Jared Leto) desperately needs medical attention for his arm, so how can the doctor on duty at the hospital fail to provide treatment? Wouldn’t that result in a huge lawsuit? And while it’s obvious that Harry and Tyrone are junkies, how can the local cops arrest them (and apparently send them to prison without trial) when the entire reason they’re travelling to Florida in the first place is that they don’t have any drugs? 3) Ok, Sara isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and she’s obsessed with fitting into her red dress, but she’s also a grown woman without any history of substance abuse. Most normal people would stop taking the diet pills at the first sign of hallucinations. 4) Hmm… Sara and Harry have one confrontation over Sara’s drug habit somewhere in middle of the movie, and then they never speak to each other again. I was expecting more of a resolution. 

Rating: Requiem For a Dream is a depressing, but highly engrossing and stylishly-directed public service announcement on the evils of addictive drugs, including legal substances such as caffeine. The film features several fine performances (Burstyn thought this might have been her best work, and I’m inclined to agree with her), but none of the characters develop even the slightest self-realization, and the plot becomes so cluttered with strange contrivances (see: “Really?”) that it’s difficult to care about how it ends. 7/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0180093/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Twister (1996)

 

Synopsis: It’s basically two hours of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton bickering with each other in a pickup truck as they criss-cross Oklahoma during some really bad weather. 

Blurb From the imdb.com: “Bill and Jo Harding, advanced storm chasers on the brink of divorce, must join together to create an advanced weather alert system by putting themselves in the cross-hairs of extremely violent tornadoes.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Things go wrong. You can’t explain it, you can’t predict it. 2) The “suck zone” is the point when a twister sucks you up. 3) In a severe lightning storm, you wanna grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to understand the inspiration for a much later cinematic travesty. 

Really?: 1) Hmm…. so, Bill is getting married and starting a (safe) new job fairly soon, and he somehow allows himself to sucked back (pun totally intended) into his ex’s storm-chasing insanity one last time. That sounds an awful lot like the storyline of The Front Page / Switching Channels. 2) While I'm certainly not an expert on meteorological matters, I don't think Bill and Jo would be able to survive a Category 5 tornado just by holding on really tightly to some exposed pipes. 

Rating: Twister features some impressive special effects as well as several moments of genuine excitement, and that's about it. Twister isn't quite awful enough to qualify for Bad Movie status (although its plot and dialogue are terrible), but it isn't very good (or memorable), either. Speaking truthfully, the last time I attempted to watch this film in the mid-2000s, I fell asleep. Meh. 5/5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117998/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The A-Team (2010)

 

Synopsis: Hollywood turns yet another beloved TV series into a big-budget action flick without the slightest understanding of why people loved the show in the first place. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “There’s more action - and more attitude - in The A-Team Extended Edition, which includes a never-before-seen version of the film with spectacular added footage not shown in theatres!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Overkill is underrated. 2) It’s not who you know, it’s how you know them. 3a) There’s a plan in everything; 3b) No matter how random things may appear, there’s still a plan. 4) The CIA has rules, and they’re cooler than the rules followed by the US military. 5) Never cuff a man in a seated position with his hands behind his back.  

You Might Like This Movie If: you're ok knowing there's no such thing as an original idea in Hollywood these days. 

Really?: Hoo-wee, where do I start? None of the action scenes are the least bit plausible (most of them involve split-second timing, and each member of the team being in exactly the right place and knowing exactly what to do), I had a bit of trouble believing Murdock could speak Swahili, or that Hannibal apparently has the ability to recite anything Gandhi ever said from memory, so maybe I’ll just concentrate on the bizarre origin story presented in this film. 

Let me see if I have this straight… B.A. and Murdock are both ex-military (not sure if B.A. was honourably discharged or not, and Murdock is in a Mexican insane asylum), but Hannibal encounters both of them for the first time during a mission in Mexico (Hannibal actually shoots B.A. in the arm and carjacks his van, yet the latter actually agrees to help him out!), and then recruits them into his commando unit. Is that even possible? 

Rating: Having never seen The A-Team movie until recently, I can see how and why it underperformed at the box office, and nobody has bothered to make a sequel. This over-the-top CGI infested action flick is far more reminiscent of The Losers than the 1980s television show, and it possesses neither the charm nor the humour of the latter. Check it out if your really want to see Dwight Schultz and Dirk Benedict in small cameo appearances (Benedict later regretted his decision, by the way). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0429493/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Hurricane Smith (1992)

 

Synopsis: Coasting on the spectacular box-office success of Action Jackson, Carl Weathers mugs his way through a low-budget Ozploitation shoot-em-up. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Carl Weathers is Hurricane Smith. He’ll blow you away.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, Australian cops only show up when you call them. You can apparently shoot at a bus full of tourists on a busy boulevard and then crash your car into a fast food joint and you’ll never see Melbourne’s finest. 2) Australians refer to Americans as “septics,” and they’re still pissed off at them for unknown reasons going back to the Second World War. . 

You Might Like This Movie If: You assume from the title that you're in for a 90-minute music video. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” #1 2) Um….the lady on the VHS jacket doesn’t look much like Cassandra Delaney, who plays Weathers’ love interest Julie. 3) So, the bad guys give Hurricane a super-duper beating, throw him out of a moving car, and he’s pretty much ok, except for some initially wobbly movements. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have a concussion or any cracked ribs! 4) Wait, Smith and his buddies have stormed Dowd’s compound, the cops are en route, so Dowd thinks this is the perfect time to ice his rather whiny mistress? That scenes makes no sense. 5) It seems a bit anticlimactic that we never meet Hurricane’s sister, and we’re never given a definitive answer about her fate; ok, Dowd asserts near the end that she was murdered, but he’s locked in a life-or-death struggle with Hurricane at the time, and it’s plausible he makes this claim only to mentally attack his opponent. 

Rating: Jurgen Prochnow does a great job of making drug dealer Charlie Dowd a truly menacing villain (although I don’t know why an Australian gangster would have a noticeable German accent), but Hurricane Smith is otherwise a very pedestrian low-energy Aussie thriller that doesn’t really go anywhere. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure! Take a drink any time somebody addresses Hurricane with: “You Americans.” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099814/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Action Jackson (1988)

 

Synopsis: Police sergeant with a Stanford law degree and the ability to outrun speeding taxi cabs(!!) takes on…wait, WTF?!? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Get ready for ACTION! Like the blast from a .44 magnum, ACTION JACKSON explodes with the most spectacular action/adventure excitement of the year.” 

What Did I Learn?: Murder is a tool. [That’s a quote from the movie, btw]

You Might Like This Movie If: You love every project Carl Weathers ever attempted. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Jackson has a top-notch legal education, and is able to debate case law with a judge during a party, yet he decided to remain a cop even after he was demoted? 2) Um….how does a sassy hairstylist know all about Peter Delaplane’s (Craig T. Nelson) criminal activities and top-secret moves? 3) I really didn’t need to see Papa Doc’s testicles preserved in a pickle jar; also, why would that set of villains want to give Jackson the same treatment? Wouldn’t he likely return some day in a murderous rage and looking for some payback? 4) So, wait… it’s suddenly revealed during Delaplane’s big garden party that he attempted to assassinate a union leader, Delaplane orders that his helicopter be made available because the jig is clearly up and he’ll soon be a wanted man, and yet he still finds time to return to his bedroom for the express purpose of giving his mistress a fatal heroin overdose. WTF? 5) Funny how Delaplane’s trained assassins are presented as nearly super-human in the opening scenes (they can somehow appear and disappear at will), yet Jackson doesn’t seem to have much trouble dispatching them. 6) Goodness knows, if I ever drive a high-performance sports car through somebody’s mansion, I’ll be sure to recite the car’s marketing slogan as I do so. 

Rating: Created as a starring vehicle for Carl Weathers, Action Jackson is basically a Dirty Harry ripoff that feels more like a reboot of the television series Sledge Hammer with Weathers in the title role (when he’s reminded that he once tore off a suspect’s arm, Jackson replies: “he had a spare!”) Weathers is certainly likeable as Joshua Jackson, and Vanity is quite good as the villain’s mistress, but the script doesn’t make much sense (see: “Synopsis”, “What Did I Learn?” And “Really?”), and it bizarrely attempts to combine a lot of brutal violence with a cartoonish tone. Check it out if you want to see Nelson before he became Coach, Sharon Stone pre-Basic Instinct, or you’ve ever wondered what Thomas Wilson did after he played Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future films (he plays one of the two inept patrol cops). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094612/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Arab Conspiracy / Double Hit / The Next Man (1976)

 

Synopsis: Bullets fly and people die when a Saudi Arabian diplomat announces his country wishes to leave OPEC and form a partnership with Israel [I’ll take “Things that would never happen in real life” for $600, Alex] 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Crisis in the Gulf! The assassins from all over the world are conspiring to eliminate the Arab leaders. The killing is the only solution to control the power of oil.” [Holy shit, was this translated from another language? Who wrote the VHS jacket blurb?]

What Did I Learn?: The secret of backgammon is “back.” [I have no idea what that means - it’s a quote from the film]

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to check out one of Sean Connery's more unusual career decisions.

Really?: 1) So, the Saudi foreign minister speaks in a Scottish brogue. How about that. 2)  Oh, and the American ambassador to Britain’s daughter is a cold-blooded assassin. How/why did she get into that line of work? 2) Funny how the CIA is able to provide Khalil with a great biographical summary of Nicole Scott’s life, but nobody seems to have noticed that she spent an awful lot of time with Khalil’s buddy Al Sharif (Adolfo Cell) right before he met with an untimely death. 3) Wait, Nicole must know that her handlers will soon order her to ice Khalil, so why would she blast two other assassins during her weekend trip to the Bahamas with Khalil? That doesn’t make much sense. 

Rating: While I generally have a soft spot in my heart for 1970s thrillers, The Arab Conspiracy (or whatever its proper title might be) is something of a disappointment for a number of reasons: obviously, Connery is woefully miscast, Cornelia Sharpe is incredibly sexy and charming as Nicole Scott, but the viewer is left completely in the dark about who she is or what motivates her, and I think the geopolitical issues raised in this film deserved a bit more analysis and discussion. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074962/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mystery Men (1999)

 

Synopsis: Not-so-super vigilantes match wits with insane villain who wants to bring back disco…or something equally sinister. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The hippest cast in history has united to become the funniest superhero team ever.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions. 2) When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you. 3) Disco is NOT dead. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a sucker for super heroes. 

Really?: Mystery Men is a light-hearted comedy about strange people with strange super-powers, so I’m going to give it a lot of leeway in this category. Still, 1) I found it a bit strange that Captain Amazing could somehow defeat so many super-villains when it’s obvious that he’s not very bright; and 2) I’m not entirely sure why Dr. Leek (Lena Olin) was added to this movie, considering it’s Captain Amazing who convinces the asylum’s leadership to release Casanova, and her character is never developed after she speaks a grand total of two lines of dialogue. 

Rating: Despite a confused script and a very uneven comedic tone, it’s difficult to dislike Mystery Men, considering it features a great cast, several genuinely funny lines (I’m still chuckling over “it looks like we’ve got a date with destiny, and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster”), and a feel-good message about believing in yourself and never giving up. It’s worth checking out at least once. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132347/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Cats and Dogs (2001)

I hope you’re in the mood for two separate takes on Cats and Dogs, because that’s what you’re going to get. My girlfriend, Marie, is crazy about this film and she insisted on writing her own review, which follows mine. 

Synopsis: Loveable fur balls defeat a depraved super-genius and his sophisticated plan to rule humanity…oh wait, that’s the Synopsis for Return of the Jedi. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “They’re cunning. They’re stealthy. They’re waging a top-secret ultra-high-tech struggle for global domination right under our noses. They’re…. Cats and Dogs!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, cats don’t have the medical science skills to determine why some humans are allergic to dogs, but that are able to take that research and weaponize it within an hour! 2) Cats are evi… oh, who am I kidding? Cats are adorable!! [Seriously, as a cat lover, I have to wonder why writers John Requa and Glenn Ficarra chose not to include at least one sympathetic feline character. Didn’t they miss an opportunity to talk to children about prejudice in a non-heavy handed way?]

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to watch cats and dogs interact with technology. 

Really?: See: “What did I Learn?” #1. Ok, seriously… Cats and Dogs is a kids movie, so I can laugh off the idea of a cat who is able to speak perfect English, or a secret, multi-millennia-long high-tech war between the title critters, but I had a problem with the third act, when the cat army kidnaps Jeff Goldblum’s family and threatens to murder them. That seemed wildly incongruous in a family-friendly film that otherwise doesn’t take itself too seriously. 2) Wait, the dogs have Calico (John Lovitz) in their possession after he delivers Mr. Tinkle’s ransom demands and they apparently just let him go? They don’t even tail him [no pun intended!] to the cat headquarters? 

Rating: Cats and Dogs is a cute little adventure for the younger set, but it doesn’t work very well as a comedy for adults because it isn’t all that funny and it lacks the sweetness of similar films such as the Toy Story franchise. Cats and Dogs is difficult to dislike because it doesn’t take itself too seriously until the last 20 minutes or so when the tone of the story becomes a lot darker and we’re suddenly supposed to take these bumbling villains seriously (see: “Really? #1). 6.5/10 stars. 

Marie's Take: 

Synopsis: A secret agent is assigned to oppose his society’s greatest enemy, only to find that his social attitudes are glaringly out of place... oh wait, that's the Synopsis for Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. 

Blurb From IMDB.com: "A look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on between cats and dogs, of which their human owners are blissfully unaware.”

What Did I Learn?: CATS ARE EVIL! DOGS RULE! 'Nuff said.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’re ok knowing there aren’t any original ideas in Hollywood anymore.

Really?: 1)  Mr. Tinkles and his motley crew are capable of kidnapping Professor Brody and his family but his housekeeper is somehow a greater nemesis and the bane of his existence when she dresses him up in adorable pet costumes. 2) I was hoping Calico might become the Cats and Dogs version of Maltz from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock and emerge as a lovable informant for the dogs so naturally I was disappointed to see him inexplicably return to the cats' lair.

Rating: Cats and Dogs is both a documentary-style examination of feline-canine interactions and a classic tale of good vs. evil (see "What did I learn?"). But seriously,  I agree with my better-half that the latter 20 minutes of the movie deviates from all the fun, not-so-serious fluff and becomes driven by a predictable good conquers evil plot.  Cats and Dogs is approximately 1½ hours of cuteness overloaded entertainment for children and um...children of all ages. I give it a 7/10 stars.

Final word:  Eli, let's get a dog!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0239395/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

Synopsis: Hey, it’s a Woody Allen movie, which means you’ll probably see a bunch of white, neurotic, well-educated, upper-middle-class New Yorkers wandering the city and discussing their personal problems, and hear a lot of jazz in the background. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Once again, Woody Allen has managed to combine deep poignancy with hilarious comedy.” 

What Did I Learn?: Child molestation is a touchy subject. [That’s a quote from the film, btw] 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're looking for a discreet and rather sophisticated method for making a sexual overture. 

Really?: 1) Holy shit, take a drink any time Allen introduces, fails to develop and then discards a new character. 2) Wait, David (Sam Waterston in an uncredited role) meets Holly (Diane Wiest) and April (Carrie Fisher), and then attempts to romance both of them? They’re friends! They’re going to talk to each other! How could he possibly make that work? 

Rating: Hannah and Her Sisters is a bit disjointed, and tries to tell a few too many stories with a few too many characters, but it’s an otherwise charming, intelligent, funny, and even poignant look at three women and the men who love them. Be sure to catch a blink-or-you'll-miss-him appearance by John Turturro. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091167/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Father of the Bride (1950)

Synopsis: The expanding pressures of his daughter’s impending nuptials force a mild-mannered-but-uptight middle-class lawyer to become… slightly grumpy. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The Bride gets the THRILLS! Father gets the BILLS!” 

What Did I Learn?: In 1950, you could apparently rent an orchestra for $85. [To be fair, that’s $948 in 2020 dollars]

You Might Like This Movie If: You know it isn't easy to pull off a successful wedding. 

Really?: 1) What was the point of giving Kay (a very young Elizabeth Taylor) a couple of brothers when neither of them have more than a few lines and we get to know almost nothing about them? Ok, I realize this film is called “Father of the Bride,” but I’m shocked that Stanley (Spencer Tracy) appears to be the only fleshed out character in this film. 2) Ok, Stanley and Ellie had a small, intimate wedding; we get that, but come on - when the wedding planner tells you that you’re going to have to remove furniture and doors from your beloved house in order to accommodate all of the wedding guests, and they’re still going to feel cramped like sardines, go out and rent a fucking banquet hall. 

Rating: I hadn’t seen the Spencer Tracy version of Father of the Bride until this summer, so I naturally compared it to the 1991 Steve Martin remake, which I think is superior in some respects, including the development of other characters (see: “Really?”, #1) Father of the Bride is a very low-key comedy that delivers far more moments of mild amusement than actual laughs (Tracy never completely loses his cool, for instance), but  I liked Tracy’s portrayal of Stanley Banks, and there’s something genuinely charming about this movie. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042451/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_5

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Please click the link to remind my review of Badlands, a flawed but much better treatment of the Charles Starkweather / Caril Fugate spree killings. 

Synopsis: Oliver Stone exposes America’s depraved passion for violent entertainment by making a completely unwatchable cinematic turd that glorifies two horrible human beings. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Director Oliver Stone brings you a bold new look at a country seduced by fame, obsessed by crime and consumed by the media.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The media is like the weather, only it’s man-made weather. 2) Nobody can stop fate, nobody can. 3) You can’t hide from your shadow. 4) It’s pretty hard to beat the king. 5) Repetition works. Repetition works. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see a natural born killer in action. 

Really?: 1) Funny how Mickey and Mallory enjoy a world-wide cult following (which is ridiculous in itself), but they’re able to drive through the Southwestern US murdering cops and civilians alike without encountering too many difficulties. Is there an actual manhunt for these two? 2) I had a bit of trouble believing Mallory would get upset with Mickey for murdering the native shaman after they had iced dozens of innocent victims. 3) So, wait - Mickey and Mallory are both bitten by rattlesnakes, and they’re not only able to drive to a drugstore, but run away when trouble ensues and then get into a standoff with police? 

Rating: Ugh. Much like The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Love and a .45, Natural Born Killers is one of the few films I decided to review even after I abandoned it mid-way through. Honestly, I don’t know where to begin - NBK is pretentious (what’s the deal with all the stock images?), far too long, and loaded with so many bad performances and gratuitously violent images that its simultaneously impossible to take seriously and extremely difficult to stomach. NBK doesn’t work on any level; it fails as a condemnation of American violence because it lionizes Mickey and Mallory and portrays law enforcement as every bit as evil as them; it fails to tell us anything about the lead characters or what makes them tick because the script is cartoonish (Stone himself says one shouldn’t take the film too literally)  and even presents Mallory’s upbringing as a demented TV sitcom; and the film is so ugly that it fails even as entertainment. I cannot recommend this movie. 1/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Possibly. Take a drink any time you find yourself asking: “why am I watching this?” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110632/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000)

Please click the links to read my reviews of a few other Coen Brothers films: Blood Simple, The Big Lebowski, No Country for Old Men, Burn After Reading, The Hudsucker Proxy, Raising Arizona, Miller’s Crossing, True Grit, and The Man Who Wasn’t There. 

Synopsis: Did you ever want to see The Odyssey performed by hillbillies? Today is your lucky day…. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Disenchanted with the daily drudge of crushing rocks on a prison farm in Mississippi, the dapper, silver-tongued Ulysses Everett McGill (George Clooney, The Perfect Storm) busts loose.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, the Devil is a white guy with empty eyes, and a big, hollow voice and he likes to travel with a mean old hound. 2) You can’t display a toad in a fine restaurant. 3) Jesus saves, but George “Babyface” Nelson withdraws. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you always wanted to see ancient Greek stories come to life without any ancient Greeks. 

Really?: 1) Gee….what are the odds of the State of Mississippi treating a chain gang of prisoners to an afternoon matinee at the local matinee in the early 1930s? Even better, what are the odds of Pete (John Turturro playing against type) not only being a member of that extremely lucky chain gang, but arriving shortly after Everett and Delmar decided to catch a flick, and then ordered by the guard to sit just a few rows behind his fellow partners in crime?   Now that’s a coinky-dink! 2) Did I miss something? How did Homer Stokes know the Soggy Bottom Boys were escaped convicts, or that Tommy had sold his soul to the Devil? 

Rating: O Brother Where Art Thou is a uniquely original - and humorous - retelling of Homer’s classic tale, and well worth checking out, even if you aren’t a fan of bluegrass music. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0190590/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Christmas in July (1940)

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues when world’s most gullible captain of industry rewards cocksure-but-untalented hack for developing possibly the worst slogan in the history of marketing. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “This madcap 1940 Preston Sturges masterpiece stars Dick Powell as a go-getter clerk in a coffee company who’s fooled into thinking he’s won a $25,000 prize for inventing a sales slogan.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you can’t sleep, it isn’t the coffee. It’s the bunk. [That’s the prize-winning sales slogan, by the way. Jimmy asserts there’s no scientific basis for thinking that coffee prevents one from getting a good night’s sleep, but didn’t the scientific community discover caffeine in the early 19th century? Wouldn’t most ordinary Americans know about the presence of caffeine in coffee in 1940?]

You Might Like This Movie If: The title appeals to you. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” Holy shit, if I have to hear that terrible contest entry one more time, I’m going to snap. Why do different characters repeat it 20 or 30 times? Come to think of it, what’s the deal with all of the unnecessary and grating “hello”s, “goodbye”s and “goodnight”s? Didn’t anyone edit this script before it went into production? 2) Wait, Jimmy works for a rival coffee company when he enters the Maxford House Coffee contest, he announces his success, and there aren’t any repercussions? I’m pretty sure Coca-Cola doesn’t allow its employees to gulp down cans of Pepsi in the lunchroom. 3) I had a bit of trouble believing: a) the Maxford House Coffee company would decide to choose and then announce its new slogan just minutes before the news is scheduled to be broadcast nation-wide, and b) Dr. Maxford would hand over a cheque for $25,000 to Jimmy based solely on a telegram anyone could have sent and Jimmy’s self-confidence. 4) So, Jimmy and Betty receive the cheque and immediately go on a spending spree? Wouldn’t it make more sense to take the cheque to his bank, first? 

Rating: Christmas in July is a contrived, but cute little film (literally - it’s only an hour and seven minutes long!) that’s probably best enjoyed as a time capsule from a bygone era. The film delivers a few laughs, and it’s difficult to dislike Jimmy even though he’s rather full of himself, but I have to deduct a few stars for a very abrupt and not terribly satisfying ending. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0032338/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_1