Four Rooms (1995)

 

Synopsis: Obsequious bellboy encounters four different sets of completely unlikeable loons on the last night of the year. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Comedy, Confusion and Chaos… Compliments of the House!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Everybody starts out as strangers. It’s where we end up that counts 2)  "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect.” 3) A person’s life is filled with a zillion little experiences. 4) Every other champagne aside from Cristal is “piss.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: you really want to maximize space efficiency in four rooms. 

Really?: 1) So, wait - it’s New Year’s Eve, and Sam is the only employee on duty at the hotel? That doesn’t sound right. 2) It’s funny how Sam suddenly transforms from a Jerry Lewis/Stan Laurel-type of loveable dimwit into a screaming tyrant who puts Vicks Vape-o-Rub on the eyelids of small children in the third sketch. Film critic Roger Ebert really liked this sketch, but it doesn’t comport with our previous understanding of the character, and it makes Sam completely unlikeable, in my opinion. 3) Um….wouldn’t the hotel be crawling with detectives, police officers and possibly reporters after the discovery of the dead hooker in the third sketch? 

Rating: Comprised of four separate sketches, all featuring Tim Roth as a suffering hotel employee, Four Rooms had the potential to be an outstanding slapstick farce. Unfortunately, none of the four scripts were all that good, and two sketches are simply terrible. Roth does his best with the material, but the final product is a loud, unfunny mess. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113101/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

25th Hour (2002)

 

Synopsis: Unapologetic New York drug dealer comes to the startling realization that seven years of prison isn’t going to be a whole lot of fun. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “In 24 short hours, Monty Brogan (Edward Norton) goes to prison for seven long years. Once a king of Manhattan, Monty is about to say goodbye to the life he knew - a life that opened doors to New York’s swankiest clubs but also alienated him from the people closest to him.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Prison is a bad place to be. 2) A man should never go into a Victoria’s Secret store and ask: “does this come in children’s sizes? 3) Sway is….a) walking into the best five-star restaurant in the city, without a reservation, and being seated right away…. b) making a phone call in the morning and having curtsied seats, Madison Square Garden, that evening… c) entering a club through the staff entrance, so you can skip the line, the cover charge and the metal detector…. d) locking eyes with an undercover cop on the subway. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe there are 25 hours in a day. 

Really?: 1) I had a bit of a hard time believing that Monty would suspect Naturelle (Rosario Dawson) of dropping a dime on him even though they have been living together for months after the arrest and trial. Most people aren’t that cold-blooded. 2) I realize Jacob (Philip Seymour Hoffman) isn’t getting any, but there’s no way a teacher would throw away his career and risk a jail sentence by lusting after, and kissing a teenaged student. 

Rating: 25th Hour is a thoughtful, compelling and credible look at a young man who clearly has a lot on his mind at a troubling time in his life. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307901/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Garden State (2004)

 

Synopsis: Underachieving Cold fish slowly begins to understand how psychiatry and antidepressants pretty much ruined the last two decades of his life. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Twentysomething, emotionally detached Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) returns home to New Jersey after nine long years.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Wow….Natalie Portman is a pretty good actress. I didn’t get that impression from those tedious Star Wars prequels. 2) If you can’t laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you’d like. 3) Sidecars are for bitches. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to learn everything you can about the Garden State. 

Really?: 1) Wow…Andrew is back in town for what: a day, and he meets a cute girl who really, really likes him. That happens to me all the time! 2) Is it just me, or is Andrew pretty emotionally well-adjusted for a guy who decides on a whim to stop taking his anti-depressants, and verbally confront his estranged father? 

Rating: I wasn’t too sure what to expect when I popped Garden State into my DVD player (most likely something similar to Outside Providence), but I have to admit that I was impressed. Garden State is a bit meandering for my taste, but it's also an intelligent, and genuinely touching comedy-drama that’s worth a look. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0333766/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Florentine (1999)

 

Synopsis: It’s basically a bunch of loveable losers interacting with each other in a dive bar somewhere in small-town Pennsylvania….so just imagine a low-rent version of Cheers combined with the first 45 minutes of The Deer Hunter. 

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “A place to go when there’s nowhere left to turn.” 

What Did I Learn?: Compound interest is man’s greatest invention, at least according to Luke Perry. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You love all things florentine.

Really?: 1) I realize Chris Penn’s character becomes disgusted when he realizes he’s part of a criminal enterprise that hurts people, but NOBODY would throw a roll of $100 bills out of a moving car. 2) So wait, Burt Young’s gangster character discovers somebody has been passing around counterfeit money, he’s on the hook to reimburse a bunch of people, he decides to take action, and…nothing. This subplot is never resolved. 

Rating: I have to say that I wanted to like The Florentine a bit more than I did. It’s a low-budget, character-driven film that never really goes anywhere. The Florentine features a talented cast of performers, but the storytelling is rather unfocused, and the audience isn’t given many reasons to care about any of these characters. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132164/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_

In the Loop (2009)

 

Synopsis: If you enjoy watching venal, self-serving and foul-mouthed politicians and politicians scream at each other via cellphone conversations, this is definitely your movie! 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “The fate of the world is on the line” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Builders never fucking turn up in the nick of time. 2) “Iceman” probably isn’t a real name. 3) The Brits have a say: “difficult, difficult, lemon difficult.” 4) don’t leave your boss twisting in the wind and then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey. 5) Frosting is on cakes. 6) In the land of truth, the man with one fact is the king. 6) The Canadians are always happy - and surprised - when they’re invited to participate in a major international initiative. 

Might Like This Movie If: You understand the importance of staying within the magic loop. 

Really?: 1) Wait - Toby sleeps over in Liza’s apartment after their late-night tryst, and she doesn’t wake him up the next morning even though they’re supposed to attend the same early-morning meeting? That doesn’t seem credible. 2) So, wait… if Karen Clark and General Miller want Simon’s assistance during a critical meeting, maybe they could have actually explained their position, or told him what they wanted him to do? Just a thought. 3) See: “Synopsis”… strange how every single character fits this description, and is sarcastic, to boot. 

Rating: In the Loop is an excellent example of a very rare type of film: a smart, compelling and very funny political comedy that somehow resists the temptation to get preachy, much like the 1970s/80s British sitcom Yes Minister. My only complaint is that all of the characters seem to be cut from the same cloth, and it’s difficult to actually care one way or the other if war breaks out in the Middle East because none of the “good guys” are all that competent or likeable, and the would-be villains are quite funny at times. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226774/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

 

Synopsis: Post-Classical Hollywood romanticizes spree-killing outlaw couple…..oh wait, that’s the Synopsis for Badlands! 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Adrift in the Depression-era Southwest, Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker embark on a life of crime.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, it was relatively easy to shove seven people into an early-1930s Ford and then ride comfortably. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that any gang led by a guy named Clyde has to be bad news.

Really?: 1) So, why exactly is Clyde impotent? This isn’t properly explained. I also have to wonder why Bonnie would stay with him when he can’t satisfy her, sexually, and he’s wanted by the cops. 2) It’s strange how neither Bonnie nor CW react all that much after Clyde ices a bank employee - the gang’s first murder. This should have been a much bigger moment in the film. 3) The characters mention a couple of interesting events - a group of farmers protecting the gang from the police with their pitchforks, and the gang robbing a local armoury to obtain Tommy-guns and grenades - that I can’t help thinking should have been filmed and actually shown to the audience. 4) Why in the world would the gang bring Blanche along for their robberies, considering she does nothing except scream during gunplay? 

Rating: Famed critic Roger Ebert called Bonnie and Clyde “a work of truth and brilliance,” and I’m inclined to agree with him. The film is a very enjoyable biopic that manages to make its title characters sympathetic, even though they’re violent and narcissistic criminals with a warped sense of right and wrong. And holy cow, what a cast - during a car ride we get to see Warren Beatty, Faye Dunaway, Gene Hackman and Gene Wilder (in his screen debut) exchange jokes and laughter. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061418/?ref_=rvi_tt

The Local Stigmatic (1990)

 

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues when a couple of sociopathic losers decide to beat up a minor celebrity. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Turning back was never an option.”

What Did I Learn?: 2) Fame is the first disgrace because God knows who you are. 2) If you want to keep an old Englishman happy, tell him a joke when he’s young. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You thought Dick van Dyke delivered the best performance in Mary Poppins. 

Really?: Hoo-wee…. I don’t think Al Pacino or Paul Guilfoyle should have attempted those cockney accents. Authenticity aside, I had trouble hearing/understanding a good chunk of their dialogue. 

Rating: Based upon a one-act play by Heathcote Williams, The Local Stigmatic is a short film (56 minutes) that somehow seems much longer; I can see why Pacino chose to keep it locked in his vault, and showed it only to friends and small, select audiences for many years. This is not a fun, or even a pleasant movie; the characters are completely unlikeable, the bad cockney accents are an unnecessary distraction, and the whole thing ends in an act of senseless violence. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: No, but take a drink any time you find yourself wondering why these guys are so angry at the world, where they came from, or how they support themselves. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097769/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Chinese Coffee (2000)

 

Hey, I could have used this for my tribute to Al Pacino a few years ago. 

Synopsis: It’s basically 99 minutes of Al Pacino and Jerry Orbach yelling at each other and drinking coffee (there are also flashbacks of the two of them drinking java) inside a dumpy apartment. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “There’s a fine line between friendship and betrayal.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) A writer’s primary activity is promotion. 2) In America, you are what you say you are. 3) The cure for insomnia is death. 4) You can’t be old in Hollywood unless you’ve been young there. 5) There comes a point in life when one will no longer bow and scrape. 6) The advertising industry is staffed with trendy fucks in running clothes spreading disease and dementia. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a big fan of....Chinese coffee! 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Holy shit, most of this film takes place between 1:00 am and 2:1m, and these guys are guzzling java like there’s no tomorrow, and Harry (Pacino) actually complains he’s suffering from insomnia? 2) Wait a minute… Jake (Orbach) practically commands Harry to write a personal memoir with plenty of venom, and he somehow takes offence when Harry’s manuscript merely uses his quotes? I can understand Jake’s hypocrisy, but I’m surprised Harry never reminds him of that conversation during their argument. 3) Gee…if I was down to my last $5, I don’t think I would blow $3.50 on a bunch of Photomat snapshots because I suddenly wondered if my face looked funny. 

Rating: Chinese Coffee certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (pun intended!). Based upon the play by Ira Lewis, this movie is really just a long dialogue between two old friends who have grown to loathe each other, and there isn’t much of a plot. Having said that, Orbach and Pacino share some great onscreen chemistry, and Chinese Coffee is surprisingly spell-binding; I found myself genuinely interested in what these men had to say, and wondering where their discussion would lead. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118852/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_5

St. Vincent (2014)

 

Synopsis: Nasty old bastard learns to love again after he must interact with his neighbours….no, that’s the Synopsis for As Good as it Gets….Um… Crotchety old coot develops special bond with young whipper-snapper….no, that’s On Golden Pond. Um…Bill Murray portrays a slobbish couch potato who experiences wild misadventures….no, that’s Broken Flowers. Um… Mysterious reclusive neighbour helps neighbourhood boy fight back against the local bullies….no, that’s The Karate Kid. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “With Neighbours Like These, Who Needs Family?”

What Did I Learn?: 1) “Dead” is the oldest you can be / time freezes when you’re dead. 2) You work, you get paid, you drink. 3) Pencil-pushers are spineless. 4) “It is what it is” basically means: “you’re screwed and you shall remain screwed.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that it isn't easy to live next door to a nasty neighbour. 

Really?: 1) Vincent steals all of the money in Oliver’s newly-established bank account, and nothing happens afterwards. 2) It’s nice that Zucko and his hired goon leave Vincent alone after the latter suffers a stroke, but I have to wonder if Zucko still wants his dough. 3) It’s also nice that Oliver is able to form a friendship with his classroom bully. I’m not sure how often that happens in real life, but I had a hard time believing the bully would be able to hold on to Oliver’s smartphone for what - a few weeks - without Oliver’s mom stepping in and demanding that the school get involved. 4) So, wait - Oliver (Jaeden Lieberher) is clearly the protagonist, but he gets fifth billing, and doesn’t even appear on the DVD jacket? 5) It’s awfully convenient how Vincent’s wife passes away shortly after he’s hospitalized, and the nursing home doesn’t seem all that eager to collect the money he owes. 

Rating: St. Vincent is an enjoyable, but very dark comedy featuring Bill Murray as an extremely rude older man with a lot of problems. The film is genuinely funny in places, and it ends with an incredibly touching scene where Oliver provides his classmates with a summary of his unusual friend’s life and merits for “sainthood,” but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had seen much of this before, in other films (see: “Synopsis.”). 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2170593/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Homicide (1991)

 

Synopsis: Burnout detective can’t quite decide which case he ought to focus his attention upon.

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “Joe Mantegna stars as Detective Bobby Gold in this explosive cop thriller by David Mamet.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) “When you start cumming with the customers, it’s time to quit.” 2) The FBI could fuck up a baked potato, and won’t put you on their Ten-Most-Wanted list until they know where you are and how long you’re going to be there. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You feel the need to see every single performance from Joe Montegna. 

Really?: Holy shit, this plot is contrived. So, let’s see… Gold finds a scrap of paper during an investigation, which leads him to somehow overhear a conversation at a research library, which leads him to a Jewish (possibly Israeli) vigilante group that doesn’t attempt to hide from him, even though he’s a police detective. The audience is asked to believe the vigilantes would still care about a list of individuals who ran shipments of machine guns to Israel circa 1947, or that a dedicated police officer would willingly throw caution to the wind and commit several felonies with people he barely knows. 

Rating: Written and directed by David Mamet, Homicide has some obvious credibility issues (see: “Really?”), but it’s otherwise redeemed by a magnificent performance by Montegna as an insecure but tough-acting detective whose life starts to spin out of control, great dialogue and a compelling (albeit not always believable) plot. (I know....I know... I usually have little patience for strange plot contrivances, but I am making an exception in this case). Check it out if you get the chance. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102048/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_9

Inhale (2010)

 

Synopsis: It’s basically 124 minutes of watching the world’s most clueless prosecuting attorney getting beaten to a pulp on numerous occasions by lowlifes before he makes the single worst decision of his life. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Every breath counts” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, $100 grand is the going rate for an illegal heart transplant on the Mexican black market, while a new lung is $200 grand. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You take breathing very seriously, and worry that you might be doing it the wrong way. 

Really?: [SPOILER ALERT!] 1) No - there is absolutely no way that Paul would fork over his life savings, destroy his marriage and let his daughter die just because he has pangs of regret over the fate of a local street kid. (Speaking of which, what are the odds of the local baddies choosing a victim known to Paul, and then staging the hit-and-run in his presence?) 2) Hmm….now that we’re calculating odds, isn’t it a bit strange that Paul needs two new lungs for his daughter, and he actually knows somebody - his boss, the District Attorney for Santa Fe, New Mexico - who received an illegal transplant? Or that the criminals apparently never ask either Paul or his boss to throw a case in their favour? 

Rating: Inhale is a compelling thriller about a middle-class American’s attempt to contact a shadowy criminal conspiracy south of the border. The film mostly works because Paul Chaney (Dermot Mulroney) isn’t a tough guy by any stretch, and it’s fairly credible right up until the end, when the plot suddenly stops making sense [See: “Synopsis” and “Really?”] With that in mind, I have to deduct 1.5 stars for a terrible and completely unbelievable ending. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1196340/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mystery Alaska (1999)

 

Synopsis: Professional hockey team drops everything and travels over 3000 miles to humiliate tiny, frozen town.

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “With Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria and Burt Reynolds leading an incredible all-star cast, here’s a fun, uplifting and action-packed story that everyone will love!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Playing hockey and fornicating are the two most fun activities in cold weather. 2) Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken. 3) Women don’t like being referred to as “fat mammals.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to watch a good mystery. 

Really?: 1) I had a hard time believing Charles (Hank Azaria) ever spent any time in Mystery, let alone grew up there. It’s also funny how he doesn’t seem to have any family in town, and seems to spend all of his time hanging out with Donna. 2) So, a town of just over 600 people has its own courthouse? That in itself is bit unbelievable, but I had a hard time believing a local could get away with shooting somebody in the foot and then get away scot-free because he plays on the local hockey team. Why wouldn’t Judge Burns (Burt Reynolds) recuse himself and order the trial to take place in Anchorage, or the nearest city? 3) I have to wonder: is Bailey Pruitt possibly America's worst lawyer? I'm no legal eagle, but I'm pretty sure you have to cite case law, or present legal arguments in court - you can't just yell a lot and slather on the small town charm.  

Rating: Mystery Alaska is a nice little movie, and….that’s really about it. I can certainly give this feel-good comedy some kudos for featuring a great cast, a script that delivers a few good laughs, and some breathtaking scenery of the Rocky Mountains in the dead of winter near Canmore Alberta, but it’s also very predictable… you kinda know how the three or four different sub-plot conflicts will get resolved long before the third act. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0134618/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

The Legend of Butch and Sundance (2004)

 

Synopsis: Classic late-1960s Western is given TV-movie-of-the-week-style prequel with cinematic heavyweights David Rogers and Ryan Browning filling in for Newman and Redford. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “The Legend of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid comes to life in this blazing action-adventure that follows the early adventures of two of the most famous outlaws in the history of the American West.” 

What Did I Learn?: Railroads are bad news, they control the banks and all the money, and the West would have been much better off if it stayed unconnected with the rest of the United States. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you still think that Coy and Vance Duke were the coolest guys to ever appear on television.

Really?: 1) Michael Biehn is an incredibly talented actor. I can’t believe he went from starring in The Terminator to playing a brief supporting role in a made-for-TV Western. 2) So, wait… Butch is wanted for a crime, he resists arrest and even assaults a couple of deputies, and the judge allows him to walk out of his courtroom scot-free if he promises to never again commit a crime in Wyoming? Did anything like that ever happen in the Old West? 

Rating: The Legend of Butch and Sundance is a low-budget, and now-forgotten prequel to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I realize it’s tough to be compared to a cinematic classic featuring two of the biggest stars of the 1960s-70s, and directed by George Roy Hill, but LBS doesn’t come close to matching the quality of its far superior and much more famous cousin. LBS is fine for wiling away a rainy afternoon, but it’s funny - I honestly don’t remember very much about this movie, even though I viewed it maybe a week ago. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0366709/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Best and Worst (2020)

The Best Movies I reviewed in 2020 (10/10 stars or 9/10 stars)

Office Space

The Muppet Movie

Father Goose

Hannah and Her Sisters

O Brother Where Art Thou?

Singin’ In the Rain 

The Worst Movies I reviewed in 2020 (fewer than 5 stars) 

Shark City 

Crime Boss

Xanadu

Two of a Kind

Ramblin’ Man 2

Joe

Natural Born Killers

Hurricane Smith 

Shaft (2019)

Please click the link to read my Best and Worst list for 2019. 

Miami Vice (2006)

 

Happy New Year! My Best and Worst of 2020 list is coming soon! 

Synopsis: Classic and beloved 1980s television series is rebooted without any real understanding of why people liked it in the first place. Oh, wait - that’s my review of The A-Team! [Honestly, I’m shocked this film was made by Michael Mann himself] 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell go deep undercover in the explosive, action-packed Unrated Director’s Edition!”

What Did I Learn?: Nonpoint’s version of In the Air Tonight really doesn’t compare to the original by Phil Collins. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that it's not easy to measure up to Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas. 

Really?: 1) So, Sonny decides to give Isabella a free pass even though she’s established within a major drug cartel and is undoubtedly responsible for any number of murders. 2) Speaking of Isabelle, I can certainly understand her getting upset with Crockett for lying to her (even though he just saved her life) but is it really a good idea to physically attack him during a gunfight, or when he’s driving? Who would seriously do that? 3) Hmm… I seem to recall the feds calling in Crockett and Tubbs because there was an information leak within one of the major anti-crime organizations. Funny how that plot thread is never developed or resolved. 

Rating: Miami Vice is best described as a big, big disappointment. I realize the original TV series is a bit dated, and any film reboot wouldn’t have Crockett and Tubbs sporting pastel suits, but I was shocked by the decision to eliminate Crockett’s world-weary cynicism, among other things that made the series unique. In fact, all the film’s dialogue is plot-driven, and we’re never given a sense of who the lead characters are, or what motivates them (it’s even worse for the other cops in their unit - Trudy, Gina, Switek, Zito and Castillo - they’re just cyphers). I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0430357/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Major Dundee (1965)

 

Please click the link to read my review of Crocodile Dundee

Synopsis: Civil War-era US Army officer makes up his own orders, recruits a bunch of Confederate prisoners, enters a foreign country and launches completely unprovoked attacks on the French Army. Wait - WTF?!?

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “A Restored Masterpiece! Sam Peckinpah’s first big budget film was also the first to be taken away and released in a shortened version.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Any man who has a just cause should travel with the word of God. 2) The tequila was excellent in Northern Mexico circa 1847. 3) Mighty is the arm of the Lord. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll gladly watch anything (and I mean anything) with the word "Dundee" in the title.

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Holy shit, Dundee could have started a war with France at a time when the Union was still fighting the Confederacy! 2) So… the Confederate prisoners don’t like the black soldiers or the abolitionist preacher….there’s an Austrian woman in a small Mexican village and she falls for Dundee… Lt. Graham is second in command of the outfit, and we barely hear a peep out of him for long stretches of the mission. Why introduce so many characters and sup-plots if you have no intention of developing them? 3) Funny how the movie ends in the spring of 1865 - shortly after the Southern surrender - yet there’s no denouement or recognition of this fact when the rescue party returns from Mexico. 

Rating: Major Dundee features an interesting cast (including James Coburn as a one-armed ne’er-do-well), and it’s not bad for an evening’s entertainment, but this odd Western is also far too long, and suffers from a number of script and credibility problems (see: “Really?”). I understand the studio refused to pay for several important scenes, and then butchered Peckinpah’s work in the editing room, so it’s possible that Major Dundee could have been a much better film. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059418/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Amati Girls (2000)

 

Synopsis: Did you really want to like Hannah and Her Sisters, but you thought it needed to be seriously dumbed-down and loaded with cliches? Today is your lucky day...

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “Nobody loves you more or understands you less than family.”

What Did I Learn?: Business trips aren’t all that important, and can be easily cancelled at the last minute. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You always wondered what the hell happened to Sean Young. 

Really?: 1) Wow, so every fucking conversation consists of characters exchanging deep thoughts and expository dialogue? 2) The film ends with the (remaining) Amati Girls rediscovering the joy of life and singing “Doo-Wah-Diddy” in the kitchen. 3) Wait - Armand was a Gulf War vet who sustained a head injury, and instead of becoming brain damaged he became the perfect mate for intellectually-disabled Dolores? That doesn’t sound right. 4) Holy shit, isn’t Paul Sorvino a little old to play the father of a young child? 5) Funny how Paul can skip all of those special ballet classes with his daughter, yet the director insists he go out on stage without any preparation and he does a bang-up job. 6) Take a drink any time a character mentions a saint. 

Rating: The Amati Girls features an impressive cast (Mercedes Ruehl gives an especially good performance), and certainly had the potential to be a warm and insightful character-driven family drama, but it suffers from an abysmal script and far too many treacly and cringe-inducing moments to stomach. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0213446/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Leatherheads (2008)

 

Dang - I could have used this for my salute to football films a few years ago. 

Synopsis: Conniving Prohibition-era rogue singlehandedly transforms professional football from a chaotic, cash-strapped anarchic carnie venture into the soulless and exploitative big-money institution we know and love today. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Nothing comes between love and a little competition” [This film is set during the Roaring Twenties, but you wouldn’t get that impression from the jacket photos]

What Did I Learn?: Being the slickest operator in Duluth is sort of like being the world’s tallest midget. 2) Goddamn rules are ruining the game of football. 3) You’re only as young as the woman you feel. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to re-live those thrilling days of yesteryear when muscle-bound jocks crashed into each other on the gridiron for nearly no money. 

Really?: 1) Gee…Stephen Root doesn’t have much to do in this film, does he? 2) So, wait - George Clooney was pushing 50 when he made Leatherheads. I had a bit of trouble believing a guy that age - who obviously has highly-developed communications and people skills - would still be playing some sort of pre-rules football instead of managing the team or doing publicity for it. 

Rating: Leatherheads is an entertaining, albeit lightweight romantic comedy. The film doesn’t quite pull off the Hepburn-and-Tracy vibe it tries to achieve, just as it also doesn’t really tell us that much about the very early days of professional football, but it does provide a few laughs and some witty banter between Zellweger and Clooney. 7.5/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0379865/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mind Meld (2001)

 

Synopsis: Egotistical old ham shows up at former co-star’s home to ask him a bunch of personal questions. 

Blurb From imdb.com: “If you are a Star Trek fan I think you will find this documentary interesting. This is mainly 75 Shatner + Nimoy discussing various aspects of the original series and their private lives how they related to the show.” [Folks, this is a word-for-word transcription of what I found on the site] 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, Shatner and Nimoy are the “best of friends” according to the narrator of this film. 2) When Nimoy left the Army in the early 1950s, he was basically broke and had a family to feed, so he drove a cab, took odd jobs and deeply resented good-looking actors like Shatner who were given the plum acting roles. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to know what Nimoy really thought about his former co-star. 

Really?: See: “What Did I Learn?” #1. [Interestingly, Shatner believes the rift started when Nimoy didn’t want to take part in his film, The Captains] 

Rating: Mind Meld is the least polished of Shatner’s Trek-based documentaries - it consists of a long, outdoor interview - but it’s probably the best, because the audience is treated to an in-depth conversation about a deeply influential science fiction franchise, show business and acting, and their own personal biographies. My only complaints would be Shatner’s strange interviewing style, and a bit too much mutual ass-kissing. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0296753/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

How William Shatner Changed the World (2005)

 

Synopsis: Egotistical old ham takes credit for four decades of technological innovation. 

Blurb From the imdb.com: “William Shatner presents a light-hearted look at how the ‘Star Trek’ TV series have influenced and inspired today’s technologies, including: cell phones, medical imaging, computers and software, SETI, MP3 players and iPods, virtual reality and spaceship propulsion.” 

What Did I Learn?: One of the world’s foremost experts on the history of computers likes to dress up like Shakespeare. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to learn more about how William Shatner inspired telecommunications, the search for alien life forms, and um....kerosene heaters?

Really?: I was a bit surprised when Shatner comments on the lower ratings of the later Star Trek series (Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise) compared with the Next Generation, and had a bit of trouble believing his proposed explanation for the popularity dip: viewers didn’t care for the less optimistic view of the future they presented. Gee…I wonder if it had anything to do with Paramount saturating the TV market with too many inferior Trek franchises populated with boring characters….

Rating: How William Shatner Changed the World is a cute, but mildly smug and cloying (at least to non-Trekkers) documentary that discusses Star Trek’s immense cultural influence on the outside world. I could have done without Shatner’s flat-footed comedic bits. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814142/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Captains (2011)

 

Please click the links to read my reviews of Free Enterprise and Star Trek: The Motion Picture 

Synopsis: Egotistical old ham interviews his successors and repeatedly cuts them off to talk about himself. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “The documentary Star Trek fans have been waiting for!” 

What Did I Learn?: Avery Brooks may very well be insane. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a die-hard Shatner fan. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” Seriously, I’m surprised Brooks’ wife and family didn’t attempt to exercise their legal options for excluding his interview from the film. 2) Wow…Shatner certainly got a big kick out of meeting with the President of Bombardier, didn’t he? My girlfriend and I enjoyed a chuckle as he interrupted Patrick Stewart in order to share a five-minute-long self-indulgent anecdote. (See: “Synopsis”) 

Rating: The Captains is an odd Star Trek-themed documentary. Not only does it features a light jazz score (written and performed by Brooks) that’s quite enjoyable but not terribly Trekky, but we're also treated to the sight of Shatner conducting some bizarre interviews with the other Starfleet captains: Patrick Stewart looks quite uncomfortable; Kate Mulgrew admits (during a Q&A that nearly becomes a grilling) that the gruelling hours and workload of Star Trek Voyager nearly ruined her relationship with her kids; and Brooks reveals that he’s very different from Benjamin Sisko. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1946421/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

That's Entertainment (1974)

 

Synopsis: Hollywood’s favourite old farts fondly remember the days when MGM wasn’t on the verge of bankruptcy

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “Modern movie audiences embraced it as enthusiastically as modern critics, making That’s Entertainment! One of the most surprising box office giants of recent times” 

What Did I Learn?: According to Jimmy Stewart, during the Golden Age of Hollywood, the studios forced dramatic actors into singing-and-dancing roles they weren’t prepared to handle, so most of the earliest musicals in the 1930s kinda sucked. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to sing along to a great show biz tune. 

Really?: For a documentary, That’s Entertainment doesn’t actually tell us all much about the period in question, or the making of those musicals. 

Rating: That’s Entertainment provides an enjoyable, but not terribly educational look at the famous MGM musicals of the 1930s-50s, as well as the 1970s nostalgia for that period. Personally, I think That’s Entertainment could have been made more interesting if its many guest stars had provided a bit more analysis or little-known information (Stewart’s commentary stands out that way) rather than simply set the audience up for a series of song-and-dance numbers, but that’s just my preference. I certainly have to applaud director Jack Haley for a masterful editing job. 8/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072272/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Boss of Bosses (2001)

 

Please click the link to read my review of Donnie Brasco; this film takes place shortly after the events of that movie. 

Synopsis: Wise, compassionate and grandfatherly godfather gradually forgets that his colleagues are a bunch of violent sociopaths. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Based on the true story of real-life Godfather Paul Castellano” 

What Did I Learn?: Threatening to give the other guy a knuckle sandwich can be an effective negotiating tactic. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wondered what makes a Boss tick. 

Really?: 1) I realize it’s generally accepted - even by their wives - that gangsters are expected to have mistresses on the side, but bedding the family’s maid, and even bringing her on a trip to Florida struck me a bad idea for whole bunch of reasons. 2) Holy shit, why does Castellano exit his limousine moments after he’s been shot? Any rationally-thinking human being would play dead, not telegraph to his assassins that they need to pump more lead into his body. 3) So, why did Castellano and his wife drift apart? They’re clearly very much in love in the early sequences, and there isn’t much discussion or explanation for why they’re sleeping in separate bedrooms in the early 1980s. 

Rating: Boss of Bosses is a very humdrum made-for-TV gangster drama that features a pretty good performance from Chazz Palminteri and not much else. The biggest problem I had with Boss of Bosses is that it lionizes Castellano; he seems like a pretty nice guy, all things considered, and the audience never gets to see how power might have corrupted him over time. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0205782/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1