How the West Was Won (1962)

Synopsis: Henry Fonda stars as a rough, tough son-of-a-gun in a super-long Western…no, that’s the Synopsis for Once Upon a Time in the West. Um…. James Stewart is woefully miscast in a role that calls for a much younger man…no, that’s The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Um….Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef appear as a couple of no-good varmints…no, that’s The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Um…  Spencer Tracy lends his talents to a star-studded and rather lengthy adventure filmed in the California desert…no, that’s It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad World. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “3 Academy Awards! The Most Ambitious Western Ever Filmed!” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s a good idea to avoid films that were filmed in Cinerama format, unless you enjoy noticing distracting lines in the centre of the frame. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly watch anything in Cinerama. 

Really?: 1) It’s strange how Cleve (Gregory Peck) is portrayed as a money-hungry cad, yet he fights heroically, and even rescues several people during an Indian attack. I can only imagine writer James Webb wasn’t sure how to portray him. 2) See: “Synopsis”, #2…. James Stewart was an amazing actor, but he’s waaaaaay too old to play Linus Rawlings. Similarly, the scene where Zeb (George Peppard) decides to enlist in the Union Army is ruined by the fact that Peppard is far too old to portray a teenager, and he’s three years older than Carrol Baker, who plays his mom. 3) It’s an epic Western, I get that, but was it really necessary to include footage of the Hoover Dam and the LA freeway system right at the end, just to show off the Cinerama technology? Two hours and 42 minutes is an awfully long flick. 

Rating: How the West Was Won was filmed nearly sixty years ago, and it certainly shows its age. The film is a bit dated, and many would find its subject matter - the settling of the American West to be politically incorrect. Some of it works - I liked Zeb’s story near the end, for instance, and some of  doesn’t - the musical numbers seem especially out of place. I might give this film an extra star if it wasn’t so damned long! 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056085/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Accidental Tourist (1988)

Synopsis: It’s basically two hours of William Hurt moping around Baltimore and two European capitals while Geena Davis and Kathleen Turner are both warm for his form. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Using the Leary system, the Accidental Tourist is ’T’ for terrific.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Even the most disciplined professional traveler may sometimes stumble across that unexpected item he feels he simply must take home. That's fine; as long as one is willing to accept the inconvenience and awkwardness that comes with each additional piece of baggage. 2) A business traveler should bring only what fits in a carry-on bag. Checking your luggage is asking for trouble. - - Add several travel size packets of detergent so you won't fall into the hands of unfamiliar laundries. There are very few necessities in this world which do not come from travel-size packets. - - One suit is plenty, if you take along travel size packets of spot remover. The suit should be medium gray. Gray not only hides the dirt, but is handy for sudden funerals. - - Always bring a book as protection against strangers. Magazines don't last and newspapers from elsewhere remind you, you don't belong. But, don't take more than one book. It is a common mistake to overestimate ones potential free time and consequently overpack. In travel, as in most of life, less is invariably more. - - And most importantly, never take along anything on your journey so valuable or dear, that it's loss would devastate you.

You Might Like This Movie If: you've ever felt like an accidental tourist. 

Really?: 1) Funny how Turner gets second-billing, even though she basically disappears for most of the movie and Davis is on-screen for a much longer period of time. 2) I had a hard time believing Muriel would continue to make passes at Macon even after he rather rudely blows her off on several occasions. I imagine she might have other available suitors. 

Rating: The Accidental Tourist is a slow-moving, but intelligent, well-acted (I’ve never considered Turner to be a great actress until now - she and Hurt deliver some great performances), thought-provoking and occasionally humourous character-driven drama about a man’s attempt to get on with his life after the death of his son and the dissolution of his marriage. Check it out if you’ve ever felt like you were in a rut and needed to make some life changes. 8/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094606/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Unstrung Heroes (1995)

Synopsis: Shy youngster escapes the dreary pressures of his troubled nuclear family by spending lots and lots of time with the batshit crazy uncles he hardly knows. Wait, WTF?!? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Sometimes you find your heroes in the most unlikely places.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) People get trapped in this own history unless someone shows them a way out. 2) There are only eight trustworthy people in the entire world. 3) Everything can be broken down to numbers. Science will be Earth’s salvation. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Michael Richards become unstrung. (No, I'm not posting THAT clip). 

Really?: See: “Synopsis” (And yes, this film is based upon a true story). Seriously, I realize Stephen is quite depressed living with his nuclear family, but I don’t understand why he would run away to live with his uncles. Arthur the hoarder (Maury Chaykin) seems like an odd-but-otherwise loveable weirdo, but Danny (Michael Richards) is an obnoxious, paranoid loon who sees anti-Semitic conspiracies everywhere, barges into Stephen’s school and accuses Stephen’s classmate of being a “young Hitler”, and even insists of changing Stephen’s name to Franz. This is weird, creepy behaviour, yet Stephen and his mom shrug it off, and Stephen somehow becomes more popular at school when he follows Danny’s lead.  

Rating: Unstrung Heroes is best described as an interesting misfire. With such a star-studded cast and rave reviews, I expected something wonderful, but it’s difficult to work with both comedy and tragedy successfully, and Richards’ over-the-top Kramer-esque performance doesn’t really fit the tone of the film. Unstrung Heroes is touching in places, and I liked John Turturro’s performance, but I don’t think I’ll see it again. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114798/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Deadly Companions (1961)

Synopsis: Maureen O’Hara and Brian Keith bicker with each other in this 1961 classic…no, that’s the Synopsis for The Parent Trap. Um… Mysterious dude searches for the man who wronged him years earlier…no, that’s Angel Heart. Um… Grizzled tough guy and respectable, yet hot-tempered lady venture into dangerous territory…no, that’s Rooster Cogburn. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Sam Peckinpah established himself as master of the Western genre with The Deadly Companions, his first film.”

What Did I Learn?: There’s a very good chance that if you carve up a man’s forehead with a Bowie knife without finishing him off, he may seek you out for some payback. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly accept Brian Keith's assistance in a tough situation. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Yellowleg (Keith) mistakenly kills Kit’s (O’Hara) son, and he follows her to Siringo even though she clearly doesn’t want his help? I don’t think that would happen. 2) I hate to sound gruesome, but I imagine the corpse they’re transporting would smell pretty bad after a couple of days of travelling through the desert, and common sense (burying the kid along the trail and then high-tailing it to the nearest town, ASAP) would ultimately prevail. 3) Wait - Turk (Chill Wills) doesn’t remember the man whose face he carved up a few years earlier, even though the man is wearing the remnants of a (Union) Civil War uniform, and Turk was such a Southern partisan that he still dreams of creating his state based on “Indian slave labour?” And ok, I realize Turk and Billy are interested in Yellowleg’s talk of robbing a bank, but I can’t imagine why they feel compelled to accept him as the leader of their group, or follow him when he tries to assist Kit. 

Rating: I understand that neither O’Hara nor Peckinpah were all that fond of The Deadly Companions (or each other, for that matter), and I can see why - it’s a somewhat compelling Western that’s marred by a terrible musical score, and a narrative that becomes increasingly difficult to take seriously as Yellowleg and Kit make their way to Siringo. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054795/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Moon Over Parador (1988)

Synopsis: Richard Dreyfus overacts his way through highly-contrived, long-forgotten late-1980s comedy. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Welcome to Parador: The Dictator’s cold, the First Lady’s hot, the people are revolting. And Jack Noah just got the role of his life.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, Sammy Davis Jr. would perform for anyone, as long as he received a big cheque. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Richard Dreyfus serve the interests of giant US corporations.

Really?: 1) So, everyone in this fictional Latin American nation speaks English as a first language, albeit with a Spanish accent. 2) Funny how everyone in Parador refers to their glorious leader as “The Dictator.” 3) Damn…how did I know that the local American businessman played by Jonathan Winters would wind up being the local CIA agent? 4) I think the ending could have used a re-write; up until the point when he burns the peasant village to the ground, we aren't entirely sure if Roberto (Raul Julia) is a villain or just a loveable rogue. Had screenplay writer Leon Capetanos (the story was based upon Charles Booth's The Magnificent Fraud, which was later re-used for Dave) chosen the latter option, he could have made Roberto the Dictator's successor, which would have allowed Jack and Madonna (Sonia Braga) to start a new life together. 

Rating: See: “Synopsis.” Meh. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095654/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mallrats (1995)

Synopsis: It’s basically Clerks with a multi-million dollar budget and a largely unnecessary plot. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They’re not there to shop. They’re not there to work. They’re just there.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) The customer is always an asshole. 2) When a girl says it’s a good size, that’s a nice way of saying it’s too small. 3) Breakfasts come and go. 4) Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn for Sega. 5) EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. 6) Apparently, you CAN strike a prisoner in police custody, as long as you make it quick. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You firmly believe the mall has it all! 

Really?: It’s nice to know that the late Stan Lee was open to providing relationship advice to teenagers he didn’t know between comic book signings. 

Rating: Mallrats is an enjoyable buddy comedy that delivers a few decent laughs, but it’s largely a disappointing rehash of Clerks  featuring a few too many unlikeable characters for my taste. Check it out if you’re either a Shannon Doherty or Kevin Smith completist. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113749/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0