Shark City (2009)

Synopsis: If you’ll permit me to borrow a joke from This is Spinal Tap….Shit City. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Get the girl….Get the cash… Get gone…” 

What Did I Learn?: “In-your-face works… it gets results.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You think it's an 87-minute-long  Stephen Walking music video. 

Really?: 1) I’m pretty sure organized crime bosses don’t agree to doing guest spots on TV interview shows. 2) So, what was the point of Vivica Fox’s cameo? She makes a few short appearances early in the film and then disappears entirely. And why did Corey Haim agree to a tiny, never-developed role as one of Kenny’s four poker buddies? Did somebody create parts for them when it became known they were available and (presumably) willing to work for peanuts? 3) I can certainly understand Ventura Ritt getting upset when he discovers that Kenny no longer works for a high-profile brokerage, but wouldn’t he know there are risks involved in investing money in the stock market? It seems a little unfair to blame Kenny when his portfolio tanks. 4) Hmm… I had a hard time believing Jen would attend Degan and Samantha’s wedding, considering Ventura and Al - the men who kidnapped and beat her up - would certainly be present. 5) Holy shit, don’t Kenny or Degan ever drink at home? Why do they keep coming back to a cheesy nightclub for overpriced drinks - especially after Kenny loses his job? 6) So, Degan falls head-over-heels for Samantha (which seems a little implausible for such a horn-dog, but I’ll let that go), and he meets her the very next day when her father asks him to show a house for sale? Gee, that’s quite a coinky-dink. 

Rating: Shark City is a shallow, hackneyed, inauthentic, poorly-written, and ultimately forgettable low-budget comedy-drama. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure - take a drink any time a hot chick removes her shirt for a completely gratuitous topless scene. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055367/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Avanti (1972)

Synopsis: Jack Lemmon stars as a grumpy businessman who really doesn’t like to travel…no, that’s the Synopsis for The Out of Towners. Um… stubborn American learns the hard way that it’s not so easy to move men and supplies from Point A to Point B in Italy….no, that’s Anzio. Um… confused son discovers shocking truth about his father. Nope, that’s The Empire Strikes Back. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Italy was full of surprises!” 

What Did I Learn?: Italy is not a country - it’s an emotion. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to learn some Italian. 

Really?: 1) If Wendell is such an important hotshot in the family business, why does he personally fly to Italy to claim his father’s corpse? Couldn’t he have sent somebody else? 2) Yelling at the Italian passport control officer….that’s a greaaaaaaat idea… 3) I wonder whose bright idea it was to create a two-and-a-half-hour film. Did we really need to see Wendell (Lemmon) in the airplane flying to Rome, or Pamela’s (Juliet Mills) adventurous walk through the town? I have to wonder how much footage Billy Wilder didn’t use. 4) So, wait - the maid murders the bellhop (who was attempting to blackmail Wendell) in Pamela’s room, and Carlucci (Clive Revill) instantly knows what really happened, and shields the two foreigners from the local police? That’s convenient. 5) Wait, Pamela sheds her clothing, jumps in the Mediterranean, and Wendell decides to do likewise even though he barely knows her? That’s a little difficult to believe. 6) Strange how Carlucci keeps referencing the town's mildly radioactive mud baths, yet Wilder never thinks to show us one, even though he has more than enough time to do so. 

Rating: Avanti is a quirky, if somewhat predictable romantic comedy that takes a little while to find its footing (Lemmon’s character is a bit of a jerk in the first act), eventually charms its audience and but then wears out its welcome after the two-hour mark (see: “Really?” #3). Revill steals the film with a very likeable performance, so I'll give Avanti an extra half-star. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068240/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Office Space (1999)

Please click the link to read my review of Horrible Bosses, another workplace revenge-comedy that also features Jennifer Anniston. 

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues when boring computer nerds working tedious jobs pull a non-violent heist, and then spend the last half of the film worrying about it. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Work sucks.” 

What Did I Learn?: The fear of losing one’s job will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired. 2) Corporate Accounting will almost certainly notice $305,326.13 when it goes missing. 3) Minimum Security prison is no picnic. 4) Saying: “looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays” on a construction site will likely lead to an ass-kicking. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're looking for tips on how to become an amazing boss. 

Really?: Funny how the film establishes Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole in an inspired performance) as Peter’s main antagonist, but he more-or-less disappears once Michael and Samir get fired, and this conflict doesn’t lead anywhere. 

Rating: From Beavis and Butthead to King of the Hill to the movie Idiocracy, Mike Judge has demonstrated a knack for creating clever observational comedy, and Office Space might be his finest creation. Office Space is a funny, and all-too-believable satire of the modern workplace, even when it ventures into the absurd. My only real complaint is that the film loses some juice at the midway point, so its humour becomes entirely plot-driven, and the audience is treated to a few pointless scenes, such as Peter’s dream sequence trial or Orlando Jones' cameo. Still, highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151804/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Crime Boss (1972)

Synopsis: Pre-Kojak Telly Savalas snarls his way through grainy, badly-dubbed, low-budget Italian gangster flick. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Being head of the Family is a dangerous business” 

What Did I Learn?: Hamburg Germany looked kinda seedy in 1972. 2) Apparently, it’s customary in Italy to chug down entire tumbler glasses full of wine. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll gladly watch anything that features the legendary Mr. Savalas. 

Really?: 1) Um….I don’t know who designed the DVD jacket, but Lee Van Cleef had NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS MOVIE!! This is actually more misleading than the VHS jacket of It Seemed Like A Good Idea at the Time which falsely presented the film as a John Candy vehicle, even though he had a very minor role. 2) Hold on… Antonio Mancuso’s (Antonio Sabato) big plan to gain Don Vincenzo’s (Savalas) trust involves a high-speed chase through the streets of Hamburg, and narrowly avoiding the cops? That sounds awfully risky to me. 3) Speaking of risky, is it really a good idea to quasi-rape Vincenzo’s niece (she’s obviously attracted to Antonio, but she tells him to stop) in Don Vincenzo’s own mansion? 4) I had a bit of trouble believing Don Vincenzo would allow Antonio to return the stolen heroin to him in his home (kinda smells like a police sting operation, doesn’t it?), or that there wouldn’t be any lasting enmity between Don Vincenzo and Antonio after the former tells his goons to beat the crap out of the latter. 

Rating: While I’ve always considered myself to be a Telly Savalas fan, I should have given Crime Boss a pass - I suspect he signed on for this film strictly for the paycheque. Nothing about Crime Boss works - the film is grainy and poorly-edited, Sabato provides a wooden performance, the story meanders and doesn’t really go anywhere, and the audience isn’t provided with many reasons to care about any of these characters. I’ll give Crime Boss a few stars for good old Telly and some interesting cinematography (in case you want to step back in time and see what urban Italy and Germany looked like in the early 1970s) but I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure - take a drink any time you ask yourself: “wait, why in the world would Antonio do that?” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068566/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Muppet Movie (1979)

Please click the links to read my reviews of The Muppet Christmas Carol, Christmas Eve on Sesame Street and Elmo Saves Christmas.

Synopsis: Green felt puppet travels America, befriending weirdos along the way

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “It’s a lights, camera, action-packed good time!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem don’t look like Presbyterians. 2) A bear’s natural habitat is a Studebaker. 3) Life’s like a movie. 4) You don’t go to Bombay India to become a movie star [I guess Jim Henson wasn’t familiar with Bollywood?] 5) Sparkling Muscatel is one of the finest wines of Idaho. 6) When a German scientist tells you to hold on to your hat, it’s not casual conversation – you HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT! 7) The phrase “drinks on the house” works every time. 8) Kermit performed all of his own stunts. 9) Patriotism swells in the heart of the American bear. 9) I’m obviously a big softie because even today, I get a lump in my throat any time I hear Kermit sing “The Rainbow Connection.”

You Might Like This Movie If: you can picture that. 

Really?: 1) Oh my, how does one judge the credibility of The Muppet Movie? I realize a number of sight gags and scenes aren’t meant to be taken seriously (a bar called the “El Sleazo?” An actual giant cream-filled pie that’s mounted on a billboard?), but I had a little bit of trouble believing Doc Hopper could somehow find the time to chase and terrorize Kermit across the continental USA (doesn’t he have a business to operate?), or that he would later decide to kill Kermit, considering Kermit is only valuable to him as a live spokes-frog. Come to think of it, why doesn’t it ever occur to Kermit to call the cops?

Rating: The jokes are corny (you have to be in the mood for a lot of bad puns), the songs are sappy, but The Muppet Movie is the best of the Muppet films, and it will always hold a special place in my heart (see: “What Did I Learn?” #9) It’s easy to enjoy The Muppet Movie’s impressive puppetry, gentle-but-off beat humour and interplay between so many beloved characters, but it’s especially interesting as an allegory on Jim Henson’s professional success. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

The Muppet Movie (1979) - IMDb

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

This would have been perfect for my salute to Jeff Bridges

Synopsis: Ewan McGregor learns all about becoming a Jedi…no, wait that’s Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Um….George Clooney plays a grizzled military veteran who wanders around Iraq and frees unjustly-held prisoners….no, that’s Three Kings. Um… Jeff Bridges is a bearded, aging hippie who clashes with authority figures….nope, that’s The Big Lebowski. Um…Kevin Spacey is a toxic middle-manager who destroys the morale of his fellow co-workers….no, that’s Glengarry Glen Ross.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “No Goats, No Glory”

What Did I Learn?: 1) You never know when a Dim Mak is going to kill you. 2) The “Sparkly Eyes Technique” isn’t very impressive. 3) Once you understand the linkage between observation and reality then you begin to dance with invisibility.

You Might Like This Movie If: you could happily stare at goats all day long. 

Really?: 1) The Men Who Stare at Goats is intended to be a very strange, almost absurd satire of the US Army’s research into the paranormal, so I can cut it some slack in the credibility department. That said, I had a bit of trouble believing that Bob (McGregor) could believe he had the power to expose the entire project by writing an article when didn’t have a  shred of actual proof. Oh, and I certainly hope that none of the prisoners who are released near the end later prove to be dangerous.

Rating: The Men Who Stare at Goats is a meandering, very strange, and often quite funny dark satire of the US military’s investments in paranormal and non-lethal weapons research. The film doesn’t always make sense, but it’s an enjoyable romp through the desert. 8/10 stars

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234548/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

Xanadu (1980)

Oblivious Neutron Bomb Double Feature! 

Synopsis: Apparently, this film received a one-sentence review shortly after its release: “In a word: Xana-don’t.” I can’t improve on that.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The 40s meet the 80s in XANADU, a very special love story and the first lavish, old-fashioned musical to utilize today’s music.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Tuesday isn’t Wednesday. 2) Gene Kelly has been “known to twinkle a toe or two.” 3) Bandstands went out with running boards. 4) Zeus is a bit of a pushover. 5) It’s possible to visit Heaven, or Mount Olympus, or wherever the ancient Greek gods reside (the place looks like the world of Tron, by the way), but roller skating head-first into a brick wall.

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see ONJ make an ill-advised foray into country music. 

Really?: 1) Oh man, where do I begin? Ok, Xanadu is a fantasy musical, so maybe I can overlook some of the weird sets, or the thinness of its plot, but I have to ask: A) How does Danny (Kelly) know where to find to find Sonny (Michael Beck), and how is he able to catch up to him in mere minutes after Sonny takes off on a “borrowed” motor-scooter? C) Does Danny have an unlimited supply of cash? Even in the late 1970s, I imagine those renovations to the amphitheater could cost millions. And why would he make Sonny a partner when Sonny doesn’t have any money to invest? D) I have to admit that the finished nightclub is pretty spectacular but, um…where are the paying customers? E) Could somebody please explain the ending? I’m still trying to sort out whether or not Sonny and Kira (Olivia Newton John) are back together, and how Kira manages to pull off so many costume changes.

Rating: Xanadu is a bizarre-yet-forgettable bad musical that’s loaded with bargain-basement special effects and terrible dialogue. I’ll admit the film has a few redeeming qualities such as several impressive musical numbers and likeable performances from Kelly and Newton John, but it’s not worth 96 minutes of your life. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Possibly. Take a drink any time you find yourself thinking: “wow….Sonny’s an idiot.”

Xanadu (1980) - IMDb

Two of a Kind (1983)

Oblivious Neutron Bomb Double Feature! 

Synopsis: The leads from Grease must convince the Almighty not to destroy the world.  

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "It's a match that could only be made in heaven."

What Did I Learn?: God sounds a lot like Gene Hackman.

You Might Like This Movie If: You have a deep love for the music of Olivia Newton-John. 

Really?: 1) It’s funny how Zach (John Travolta) is an inventor, but this is never explored – he doesn’t “MacGyver” his way out of a problem, and we aren’t given any information about why he became interested in science or inventing. 2) So, wait… Charlie the angel (Charles Durning) clearly informs the Devil (Oliver Reed) that when God initiates a second flood, the inhabitants of Earth will all go to Heaven; the Devil doesn’t believe him, and attempts to thwart Zach and Debbie (Olivia Newton-John) from developing a relationship. Ok, so why does the Devil believe Charlie later in the movie when he tells him the same thing? That doesn’t compute. 3) Holy shit, why does Charlie need three – count’em three sidekicks? What was the point of introducing Debbie’s (Olivia Newton-John) horny roommates and her creepy landlord, when none of these characters are further developed or even used to advance the plot? Why so many superfluous supporting characters? 4) Hold on – Zach breaks into Debbie’s apartment, robs her of the remainder of her stolen cash, and she decides to follow him for a walk-and-talk on the street? 5) Hmm…. Debbie is fired for openly flirting with Zach during the actual bank robbery. Why doesn’t anyone think to search her handbag?

Rating: I can see why Two of a Kind pretty much killed off Newton-John’s acting career and put Travolta in the doghouse for most of the 1980s. While I have to give this movie a few stars for originality and ambition, it doesn’t work for a number of reasons: the plot is a contrived mess, there are far too many undeveloped sub-plots and useless characters, and Newton-John wildly overacts. I can’t recommend this movie. 4/10 stars.

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Why not? Take a drink any time ONJ’s “Twist of Fate” or a film score version of it is used.   

Two of a Kind (1983) - IMDb