Rooster Cogburn (1975)

Dang – I could have used this for my salute to John Wayne Westerns!

Synopsis: It’s an unnecessary sequel to True Grit, combined with a reboot of The African Queen, featuring over-the-hill leads and forgettable villains.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Two of the most popular stars in screen history are brought together for the first time in the follow-up to True Grit.” 

What Did I Learn?: You can’t lock up a man’s whisky! 2) Out in the Territories, they prize a dead shot more than a lady’s charms. 3) Water is like a woman: sly and fickle – you gotta watch it every minute! 4) People are rotten. 5) Women can no more keep their mouths shut than a yellow-tailed catfish. [These are quotations from the film, by the way]

You Might Like This Movie If: you have a thing for larger-than-life smart alec roosters...

Really?: 1) Holy shit, the characters in this film are transporting a wagon of nitro-fucking-glycerin! I’m pretty sure you can’t go whitewater rafting or charging down a bumpy hill without blowing yourself to Kingdom Come if you’re carrying cases of nitro. 2) Ok, I realize Eula is a naïve Bible-thumper, but I had a bit of trouble believing she would insult a bunch of men she knows are outlaws, or that she wouldn’t even flinch when Hawk decides to shoot at the ground near her feet. 3) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Wayne and Hepburn are far too old to carry an action-adventure, and the film is eerily similar to The African Queen in a number of ways. Oh, and why does Rooster address Eula as “Sister” every couple of minutes? She’s not a nun. 4) Is there a reason Rooster doesn’t simply hide the recovered nitro glycerin and escape to acquire some additional reinforcements?

Rating: While I enjoyed the banter between Wayne and Hepburn, Rooster Cogburn is a weak sequel to True Grit for a number of reasons, most notably a script that doesn’t make a lot of sense and the age of the lead actors – Eula is a bit too old to be living with her elderly father in a Native community. Check it out if you’re a John Wayne completist. 6/10 stars.

Rooster Cogburn (1975) - IMDb

The French Lieutenant's Woman (1981)

Synopsis: It’s 30 minutes of narcissistic actors sneaking around on their partners, circa 1980 tacked on to 90 minutes of depressing Victorian melodrama.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Embraced by audiences and critics alike - and garnering five 1981 Academy Award nominations, including Best Actress for Streep - The French Lieutenant’s Woman will forever remain one of the most literate, imaginative and visually stunning love stories ever to grace the screen.” 

What Did I Learn?: In 1857, it’s estimated there were 80,000 prostitutes in the country of London, and out of every 60 houses, one was a brothel.

You Might Like This Movie If: Much like Charles, you believe there's something alluring about a woman who doesn't have all of her marbles. 

Really?: 1) Ok, I realize Charles (Jeremy Irons) falls hopelessly in love with Sarah (Meryl Streep), and lovestruck people don’t always make good decisions, but it’s painfully obvious that she’s completely insane [Spoiler Alert: Sarah never had sex with the French lieutenant, yet she claims otherwise because she wants to be scorned and ridiculed by the residents of Lyme] and she doesn’t seem all that interested in being saved. 2) So, three years pass, Sarah gets a cushy job and her mental illness seems to disappear? Ok, whatevs….

Rating: I have to give The French Lieutenant’s Woman something of a mixed review; while I appreciated its unique attempt at storytelling (the relationship between thespians Anna and Mike takes a strange turn when they portray star-crossed Victorian lovers during a movie shoot), its impressive cinematography, and the acting efforts of Streep and Irons, the story itself (which chucks aside the complex, multi-layered approach of John Fowles’ novel and inserts the Mike-and-Anna subplot), seemed simplistic and difficult to believe (see: “Synopsis” and “Really?”) and the characters left me cold; I didn’t care about any of them. 7/10 stars.

The French Lieutenant's Woman (1981) - IMDb

Cookie (1989)

Synopsis: Dapper don Dino discovers delinquent daughter, designs diabolic double-cross.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "A delicious new comedy." 

What Did I Learn?: You don’t get back at someone by telling them to fuck off.

You Might Like This Movie If: You're strangely intrigued by the title. 

Really?: 1) Funny how Pia (Ricki Lake) is Cookie’s (Emily Lloyd) best friend, yet she just disappears mid-way through. 2) I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the US government only admits gangsters into the WITNESS protection program in exchange for testifying in open court. I had a bit of trouble believing Dominick “Dino” Capisco (Peter Falk) could get away with whacking Carmine and stealing his dough, and then receive federal protection. I had even more trouble believing Cookie could mastermind such an intricate plot, or that she would be ok with the Carmine’s unpleasant end. 3) So, does Dino have some dough stashed away or not? This isn’t entirely clear.

Rating: I might have watched Cookie about 30 years ago on the First Choice movie channel, or not – it’s a very forgettable low-budget comedy that isn’t terribly funny or clever, and it never delivers the emotional payoff – a meeting of the minds between Dino and Cookie – that we expect to see. I’ll give Cookie a barely-passing grade only because I like Peter Falk, and I think it’s fine for a night’s entertainment. 5.5/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097109/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2