The Local Stigmatic (1990)

 

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues when a couple of sociopathic losers decide to beat up a minor celebrity. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Turning back was never an option.”

What Did I Learn?: 2) Fame is the first disgrace because God knows who you are. 2) If you want to keep an old Englishman happy, tell him a joke when he’s young. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You thought Dick van Dyke delivered the best performance in Mary Poppins. 

Really?: Hoo-wee…. I don’t think Al Pacino or Paul Guilfoyle should have attempted those cockney accents. Authenticity aside, I had trouble hearing/understanding a good chunk of their dialogue. 

Rating: Based upon a one-act play by Heathcote Williams, The Local Stigmatic is a short film (56 minutes) that somehow seems much longer; I can see why Pacino chose to keep it locked in his vault, and showed it only to friends and small, select audiences for many years. This is not a fun, or even a pleasant movie; the characters are completely unlikeable, the bad cockney accents are an unnecessary distraction, and the whole thing ends in an act of senseless violence. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: No, but take a drink any time you find yourself wondering why these guys are so angry at the world, where they came from, or how they support themselves. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097769/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Chinese Coffee (2000)

 

Hey, I could have used this for my tribute to Al Pacino a few years ago. 

Synopsis: It’s basically 99 minutes of Al Pacino and Jerry Orbach yelling at each other and drinking coffee (there are also flashbacks of the two of them drinking java) inside a dumpy apartment. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “There’s a fine line between friendship and betrayal.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) A writer’s primary activity is promotion. 2) In America, you are what you say you are. 3) The cure for insomnia is death. 4) You can’t be old in Hollywood unless you’ve been young there. 5) There comes a point in life when one will no longer bow and scrape. 6) The advertising industry is staffed with trendy fucks in running clothes spreading disease and dementia. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a big fan of....Chinese coffee! 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Holy shit, most of this film takes place between 1:00 am and 2:1m, and these guys are guzzling java like there’s no tomorrow, and Harry (Pacino) actually complains he’s suffering from insomnia? 2) Wait a minute… Jake (Orbach) practically commands Harry to write a personal memoir with plenty of venom, and he somehow takes offence when Harry’s manuscript merely uses his quotes? I can understand Jake’s hypocrisy, but I’m surprised Harry never reminds him of that conversation during their argument. 3) Gee…if I was down to my last $5, I don’t think I would blow $3.50 on a bunch of Photomat snapshots because I suddenly wondered if my face looked funny. 

Rating: Chinese Coffee certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (pun intended!). Based upon the play by Ira Lewis, this movie is really just a long dialogue between two old friends who have grown to loathe each other, and there isn’t much of a plot. Having said that, Orbach and Pacino share some great onscreen chemistry, and Chinese Coffee is surprisingly spell-binding; I found myself genuinely interested in what these men had to say, and wondering where their discussion would lead. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118852/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_5

St. Vincent (2014)

 

Synopsis: Nasty old bastard learns to love again after he must interact with his neighbours….no, that’s the Synopsis for As Good as it Gets….Um… Crotchety old coot develops special bond with young whipper-snapper….no, that’s On Golden Pond. Um…Bill Murray portrays a slobbish couch potato who experiences wild misadventures….no, that’s Broken Flowers. Um… Mysterious reclusive neighbour helps neighbourhood boy fight back against the local bullies….no, that’s The Karate Kid. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “With Neighbours Like These, Who Needs Family?”

What Did I Learn?: 1) “Dead” is the oldest you can be / time freezes when you’re dead. 2) You work, you get paid, you drink. 3) Pencil-pushers are spineless. 4) “It is what it is” basically means: “you’re screwed and you shall remain screwed.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that it isn't easy to live next door to a nasty neighbour. 

Really?: 1) Vincent steals all of the money in Oliver’s newly-established bank account, and nothing happens afterwards. 2) It’s nice that Zucko and his hired goon leave Vincent alone after the latter suffers a stroke, but I have to wonder if Zucko still wants his dough. 3) It’s also nice that Oliver is able to form a friendship with his classroom bully. I’m not sure how often that happens in real life, but I had a hard time believing the bully would be able to hold on to Oliver’s smartphone for what - a few weeks - without Oliver’s mom stepping in and demanding that the school get involved. 4) So, wait - Oliver (Jaeden Lieberher) is clearly the protagonist, but he gets fifth billing, and doesn’t even appear on the DVD jacket? 5) It’s awfully convenient how Vincent’s wife passes away shortly after he’s hospitalized, and the nursing home doesn’t seem all that eager to collect the money he owes. 

Rating: St. Vincent is an enjoyable, but very dark comedy featuring Bill Murray as an extremely rude older man with a lot of problems. The film is genuinely funny in places, and it ends with an incredibly touching scene where Oliver provides his classmates with a summary of his unusual friend’s life and merits for “sainthood,” but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had seen much of this before, in other films (see: “Synopsis.”). 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2170593/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Homicide (1991)

 

Synopsis: Burnout detective can’t quite decide which case he ought to focus his attention upon.

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “Joe Mantegna stars as Detective Bobby Gold in this explosive cop thriller by David Mamet.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) “When you start cumming with the customers, it’s time to quit.” 2) The FBI could fuck up a baked potato, and won’t put you on their Ten-Most-Wanted list until they know where you are and how long you’re going to be there. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You feel the need to see every single performance from Joe Montegna. 

Really?: Holy shit, this plot is contrived. So, let’s see… Gold finds a scrap of paper during an investigation, which leads him to somehow overhear a conversation at a research library, which leads him to a Jewish (possibly Israeli) vigilante group that doesn’t attempt to hide from him, even though he’s a police detective. The audience is asked to believe the vigilantes would still care about a list of individuals who ran shipments of machine guns to Israel circa 1947, or that a dedicated police officer would willingly throw caution to the wind and commit several felonies with people he barely knows. 

Rating: Written and directed by David Mamet, Homicide has some obvious credibility issues (see: “Really?”), but it’s otherwise redeemed by a magnificent performance by Montegna as an insecure but tough-acting detective whose life starts to spin out of control, great dialogue and a compelling (albeit not always believable) plot. (I know....I know... I usually have little patience for strange plot contrivances, but I am making an exception in this case). Check it out if you get the chance. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102048/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_9

Inhale (2010)

 

Synopsis: It’s basically 124 minutes of watching the world’s most clueless prosecuting attorney getting beaten to a pulp on numerous occasions by lowlifes before he makes the single worst decision of his life. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Every breath counts” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, $100 grand is the going rate for an illegal heart transplant on the Mexican black market, while a new lung is $200 grand. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You take breathing very seriously, and worry that you might be doing it the wrong way. 

Really?: [SPOILER ALERT!] 1) No - there is absolutely no way that Paul would fork over his life savings, destroy his marriage and let his daughter die just because he has pangs of regret over the fate of a local street kid. (Speaking of which, what are the odds of the local baddies choosing a victim known to Paul, and then staging the hit-and-run in his presence?) 2) Hmm….now that we’re calculating odds, isn’t it a bit strange that Paul needs two new lungs for his daughter, and he actually knows somebody - his boss, the District Attorney for Santa Fe, New Mexico - who received an illegal transplant? Or that the criminals apparently never ask either Paul or his boss to throw a case in their favour? 

Rating: Inhale is a compelling thriller about a middle-class American’s attempt to contact a shadowy criminal conspiracy south of the border. The film mostly works because Paul Chaney (Dermot Mulroney) isn’t a tough guy by any stretch, and it’s fairly credible right up until the end, when the plot suddenly stops making sense [See: “Synopsis” and “Really?”] With that in mind, I have to deduct 1.5 stars for a terrible and completely unbelievable ending. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1196340/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0