The A-Team (2010)

 

Synopsis: Hollywood turns yet another beloved TV series into a big-budget action flick without the slightest understanding of why people loved the show in the first place. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “There’s more action - and more attitude - in The A-Team Extended Edition, which includes a never-before-seen version of the film with spectacular added footage not shown in theatres!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Overkill is underrated. 2) It’s not who you know, it’s how you know them. 3a) There’s a plan in everything; 3b) No matter how random things may appear, there’s still a plan. 4) The CIA has rules, and they’re cooler than the rules followed by the US military. 5) Never cuff a man in a seated position with his hands behind his back.  

You Might Like This Movie If: you're ok knowing there's no such thing as an original idea in Hollywood these days. 

Really?: Hoo-wee, where do I start? None of the action scenes are the least bit plausible (most of them involve split-second timing, and each member of the team being in exactly the right place and knowing exactly what to do), I had a bit of trouble believing Murdock could speak Swahili, or that Hannibal apparently has the ability to recite anything Gandhi ever said from memory, so maybe I’ll just concentrate on the bizarre origin story presented in this film. 

Let me see if I have this straight… B.A. and Murdock are both ex-military (not sure if B.A. was honourably discharged or not, and Murdock is in a Mexican insane asylum), but Hannibal encounters both of them for the first time during a mission in Mexico (Hannibal actually shoots B.A. in the arm and carjacks his van, yet the latter actually agrees to help him out!), and then recruits them into his commando unit. Is that even possible? 

Rating: Having never seen The A-Team movie until recently, I can see how and why it underperformed at the box office, and nobody has bothered to make a sequel. This over-the-top CGI infested action flick is far more reminiscent of The Losers than the 1980s television show, and it possesses neither the charm nor the humour of the latter. Check it out if your really want to see Dwight Schultz and Dirk Benedict in small cameo appearances (Benedict later regretted his decision, by the way). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0429493/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Hurricane Smith (1992)

 

Synopsis: Coasting on the spectacular box-office success of Action Jackson, Carl Weathers mugs his way through a low-budget Ozploitation shoot-em-up. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Carl Weathers is Hurricane Smith. He’ll blow you away.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, Australian cops only show up when you call them. You can apparently shoot at a bus full of tourists on a busy boulevard and then crash your car into a fast food joint and you’ll never see Melbourne’s finest. 2) Australians refer to Americans as “septics,” and they’re still pissed off at them for unknown reasons going back to the Second World War. . 

You Might Like This Movie If: You assume from the title that you're in for a 90-minute music video. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” #1 2) Um….the lady on the VHS jacket doesn’t look much like Cassandra Delaney, who plays Weathers’ love interest Julie. 3) So, the bad guys give Hurricane a super-duper beating, throw him out of a moving car, and he’s pretty much ok, except for some initially wobbly movements. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have a concussion or any cracked ribs! 4) Wait, Smith and his buddies have stormed Dowd’s compound, the cops are en route, so Dowd thinks this is the perfect time to ice his rather whiny mistress? That scenes makes no sense. 5) It seems a bit anticlimactic that we never meet Hurricane’s sister, and we’re never given a definitive answer about her fate; ok, Dowd asserts near the end that she was murdered, but he’s locked in a life-or-death struggle with Hurricane at the time, and it’s plausible he makes this claim only to mentally attack his opponent. 

Rating: Jurgen Prochnow does a great job of making drug dealer Charlie Dowd a truly menacing villain (although I don’t know why an Australian gangster would have a noticeable German accent), but Hurricane Smith is otherwise a very pedestrian low-energy Aussie thriller that doesn’t really go anywhere. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure! Take a drink any time somebody addresses Hurricane with: “You Americans.” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099814/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Action Jackson (1988)

 

Synopsis: Police sergeant with a Stanford law degree and the ability to outrun speeding taxi cabs(!!) takes on…wait, WTF?!? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Get ready for ACTION! Like the blast from a .44 magnum, ACTION JACKSON explodes with the most spectacular action/adventure excitement of the year.” 

What Did I Learn?: Murder is a tool. [That’s a quote from the movie, btw]

You Might Like This Movie If: You love every project Carl Weathers ever attempted. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Jackson has a top-notch legal education, and is able to debate case law with a judge during a party, yet he decided to remain a cop even after he was demoted? 2) Um….how does a sassy hairstylist know all about Peter Delaplane’s (Craig T. Nelson) criminal activities and top-secret moves? 3) I really didn’t need to see Papa Doc’s testicles preserved in a pickle jar; also, why would that set of villains want to give Jackson the same treatment? Wouldn’t he likely return some day in a murderous rage and looking for some payback? 4) So, wait… it’s suddenly revealed during Delaplane’s big garden party that he attempted to assassinate a union leader, Delaplane orders that his helicopter be made available because the jig is clearly up and he’ll soon be a wanted man, and yet he still finds time to return to his bedroom for the express purpose of giving his mistress a fatal heroin overdose. WTF? 5) Funny how Delaplane’s trained assassins are presented as nearly super-human in the opening scenes (they can somehow appear and disappear at will), yet Jackson doesn’t seem to have much trouble dispatching them. 6) Goodness knows, if I ever drive a high-performance sports car through somebody’s mansion, I’ll be sure to recite the car’s marketing slogan as I do so. 

Rating: Created as a starring vehicle for Carl Weathers, Action Jackson is basically a Dirty Harry ripoff that feels more like a reboot of the television series Sledge Hammer with Weathers in the title role (when he’s reminded that he once tore off a suspect’s arm, Jackson replies: “he had a spare!”) Weathers is certainly likeable as Joshua Jackson, and Vanity is quite good as the villain’s mistress, but the script doesn’t make much sense (see: “Synopsis”, “What Did I Learn?” And “Really?”), and it bizarrely attempts to combine a lot of brutal violence with a cartoonish tone. Check it out if you want to see Nelson before he became Coach, Sharon Stone pre-Basic Instinct, or you’ve ever wondered what Thomas Wilson did after he played Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future films (he plays one of the two inept patrol cops). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094612/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Arab Conspiracy / Double Hit / The Next Man (1976)

 

Synopsis: Bullets fly and people die when a Saudi Arabian diplomat announces his country wishes to leave OPEC and form a partnership with Israel [I’ll take “Things that would never happen in real life” for $600, Alex] 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Crisis in the Gulf! The assassins from all over the world are conspiring to eliminate the Arab leaders. The killing is the only solution to control the power of oil.” [Holy shit, was this translated from another language? Who wrote the VHS jacket blurb?]

What Did I Learn?: The secret of backgammon is “back.” [I have no idea what that means - it’s a quote from the film]

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to check out one of Sean Connery's more unusual career decisions.

Really?: 1) So, the Saudi foreign minister speaks in a Scottish brogue. How about that. 2)  Oh, and the American ambassador to Britain’s daughter is a cold-blooded assassin. How/why did she get into that line of work? 2) Funny how the CIA is able to provide Khalil with a great biographical summary of Nicole Scott’s life, but nobody seems to have noticed that she spent an awful lot of time with Khalil’s buddy Al Sharif (Adolfo Cell) right before he met with an untimely death. 3) Wait, Nicole must know that her handlers will soon order her to ice Khalil, so why would she blast two other assassins during her weekend trip to the Bahamas with Khalil? That doesn’t make much sense. 

Rating: While I generally have a soft spot in my heart for 1970s thrillers, The Arab Conspiracy (or whatever its proper title might be) is something of a disappointment for a number of reasons: obviously, Connery is woefully miscast, Cornelia Sharpe is incredibly sexy and charming as Nicole Scott, but the viewer is left completely in the dark about who she is or what motivates her, and I think the geopolitical issues raised in this film deserved a bit more analysis and discussion. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074962/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Mystery Men (1999)

 

Synopsis: Not-so-super vigilantes match wits with insane villain who wants to bring back disco…or something equally sinister. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “The hippest cast in history has united to become the funniest superhero team ever.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions. 2) When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you. 3) Disco is NOT dead. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a sucker for super heroes. 

Really?: Mystery Men is a light-hearted comedy about strange people with strange super-powers, so I’m going to give it a lot of leeway in this category. Still, 1) I found it a bit strange that Captain Amazing could somehow defeat so many super-villains when it’s obvious that he’s not very bright; and 2) I’m not entirely sure why Dr. Leek (Lena Olin) was added to this movie, considering it’s Captain Amazing who convinces the asylum’s leadership to release Casanova, and her character is never developed after she speaks a grand total of two lines of dialogue. 

Rating: Despite a confused script and a very uneven comedic tone, it’s difficult to dislike Mystery Men, considering it features a great cast, several genuinely funny lines (I’m still chuckling over “it looks like we’ve got a date with destiny, and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster”), and a feel-good message about believing in yourself and never giving up. It’s worth checking out at least once. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132347/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Cats and Dogs (2001)

I hope you’re in the mood for two separate takes on Cats and Dogs, because that’s what you’re going to get. My girlfriend, Marie, is crazy about this film and she insisted on writing her own review, which follows mine. 

Synopsis: Loveable fur balls defeat a depraved super-genius and his sophisticated plan to rule humanity…oh wait, that’s the Synopsis for Return of the Jedi. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “They’re cunning. They’re stealthy. They’re waging a top-secret ultra-high-tech struggle for global domination right under our noses. They’re…. Cats and Dogs!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, cats don’t have the medical science skills to determine why some humans are allergic to dogs, but that are able to take that research and weaponize it within an hour! 2) Cats are evi… oh, who am I kidding? Cats are adorable!! [Seriously, as a cat lover, I have to wonder why writers John Requa and Glenn Ficarra chose not to include at least one sympathetic feline character. Didn’t they miss an opportunity to talk to children about prejudice in a non-heavy handed way?]

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to watch cats and dogs interact with technology. 

Really?: See: “What did I Learn?” #1. Ok, seriously… Cats and Dogs is a kids movie, so I can laugh off the idea of a cat who is able to speak perfect English, or a secret, multi-millennia-long high-tech war between the title critters, but I had a problem with the third act, when the cat army kidnaps Jeff Goldblum’s family and threatens to murder them. That seemed wildly incongruous in a family-friendly film that otherwise doesn’t take itself too seriously. 2) Wait, the dogs have Calico (John Lovitz) in their possession after he delivers Mr. Tinkle’s ransom demands and they apparently just let him go? They don’t even tail him [no pun intended!] to the cat headquarters? 

Rating: Cats and Dogs is a cute little adventure for the younger set, but it doesn’t work very well as a comedy for adults because it isn’t all that funny and it lacks the sweetness of similar films such as the Toy Story franchise. Cats and Dogs is difficult to dislike because it doesn’t take itself too seriously until the last 20 minutes or so when the tone of the story becomes a lot darker and we’re suddenly supposed to take these bumbling villains seriously (see: “Really? #1). 6.5/10 stars. 

Marie's Take: 

Synopsis: A secret agent is assigned to oppose his society’s greatest enemy, only to find that his social attitudes are glaringly out of place... oh wait, that's the Synopsis for Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. 

Blurb From IMDB.com: "A look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on between cats and dogs, of which their human owners are blissfully unaware.”

What Did I Learn?: CATS ARE EVIL! DOGS RULE! 'Nuff said.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’re ok knowing there aren’t any original ideas in Hollywood anymore.

Really?: 1)  Mr. Tinkles and his motley crew are capable of kidnapping Professor Brody and his family but his housekeeper is somehow a greater nemesis and the bane of his existence when she dresses him up in adorable pet costumes. 2) I was hoping Calico might become the Cats and Dogs version of Maltz from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock and emerge as a lovable informant for the dogs so naturally I was disappointed to see him inexplicably return to the cats' lair.

Rating: Cats and Dogs is both a documentary-style examination of feline-canine interactions and a classic tale of good vs. evil (see "What did I learn?"). But seriously,  I agree with my better-half that the latter 20 minutes of the movie deviates from all the fun, not-so-serious fluff and becomes driven by a predictable good conquers evil plot.  Cats and Dogs is approximately 1½ hours of cuteness overloaded entertainment for children and um...children of all ages. I give it a 7/10 stars.

Final word:  Eli, let's get a dog!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0239395/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0