Mind Meld (2001)

 

Synopsis: Egotistical old ham shows up at former co-star’s home to ask him a bunch of personal questions. 

Blurb From imdb.com: “If you are a Star Trek fan I think you will find this documentary interesting. This is mainly 75 Shatner + Nimoy discussing various aspects of the original series and their private lives how they related to the show.” [Folks, this is a word-for-word transcription of what I found on the site] 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, Shatner and Nimoy are the “best of friends” according to the narrator of this film. 2) When Nimoy left the Army in the early 1950s, he was basically broke and had a family to feed, so he drove a cab, took odd jobs and deeply resented good-looking actors like Shatner who were given the plum acting roles. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to know what Nimoy really thought about his former co-star. 

Really?: See: “What Did I Learn?” #1. [Interestingly, Shatner believes the rift started when Nimoy didn’t want to take part in his film, The Captains] 

Rating: Mind Meld is the least polished of Shatner’s Trek-based documentaries - it consists of a long, outdoor interview - but it’s probably the best, because the audience is treated to an in-depth conversation about a deeply influential science fiction franchise, show business and acting, and their own personal biographies. My only complaints would be Shatner’s strange interviewing style, and a bit too much mutual ass-kissing. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0296753/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

How William Shatner Changed the World (2005)

 

Synopsis: Egotistical old ham takes credit for four decades of technological innovation. 

Blurb From the imdb.com: “William Shatner presents a light-hearted look at how the ‘Star Trek’ TV series have influenced and inspired today’s technologies, including: cell phones, medical imaging, computers and software, SETI, MP3 players and iPods, virtual reality and spaceship propulsion.” 

What Did I Learn?: One of the world’s foremost experts on the history of computers likes to dress up like Shakespeare. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to learn more about how William Shatner inspired telecommunications, the search for alien life forms, and um....kerosene heaters?

Really?: I was a bit surprised when Shatner comments on the lower ratings of the later Star Trek series (Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise) compared with the Next Generation, and had a bit of trouble believing his proposed explanation for the popularity dip: viewers didn’t care for the less optimistic view of the future they presented. Gee…I wonder if it had anything to do with Paramount saturating the TV market with too many inferior Trek franchises populated with boring characters….

Rating: How William Shatner Changed the World is a cute, but mildly smug and cloying (at least to non-Trekkers) documentary that discusses Star Trek’s immense cultural influence on the outside world. I could have done without Shatner’s flat-footed comedic bits. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814142/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Captains (2011)

 

Please click the links to read my reviews of Free Enterprise and Star Trek: The Motion Picture 

Synopsis: Egotistical old ham interviews his successors and repeatedly cuts them off to talk about himself. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “The documentary Star Trek fans have been waiting for!” 

What Did I Learn?: Avery Brooks may very well be insane. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a die-hard Shatner fan. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” Seriously, I’m surprised Brooks’ wife and family didn’t attempt to exercise their legal options for excluding his interview from the film. 2) Wow…Shatner certainly got a big kick out of meeting with the President of Bombardier, didn’t he? My girlfriend and I enjoyed a chuckle as he interrupted Patrick Stewart in order to share a five-minute-long self-indulgent anecdote. (See: “Synopsis”) 

Rating: The Captains is an odd Star Trek-themed documentary. Not only does it features a light jazz score (written and performed by Brooks) that’s quite enjoyable but not terribly Trekky, but we're also treated to the sight of Shatner conducting some bizarre interviews with the other Starfleet captains: Patrick Stewart looks quite uncomfortable; Kate Mulgrew admits (during a Q&A that nearly becomes a grilling) that the gruelling hours and workload of Star Trek Voyager nearly ruined her relationship with her kids; and Brooks reveals that he’s very different from Benjamin Sisko. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1946421/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

That's Entertainment (1974)

 

Synopsis: Hollywood’s favourite old farts fondly remember the days when MGM wasn’t on the verge of bankruptcy

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “Modern movie audiences embraced it as enthusiastically as modern critics, making That’s Entertainment! One of the most surprising box office giants of recent times” 

What Did I Learn?: According to Jimmy Stewart, during the Golden Age of Hollywood, the studios forced dramatic actors into singing-and-dancing roles they weren’t prepared to handle, so most of the earliest musicals in the 1930s kinda sucked. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to sing along to a great show biz tune. 

Really?: For a documentary, That’s Entertainment doesn’t actually tell us all much about the period in question, or the making of those musicals. 

Rating: That’s Entertainment provides an enjoyable, but not terribly educational look at the famous MGM musicals of the 1930s-50s, as well as the 1970s nostalgia for that period. Personally, I think That’s Entertainment could have been made more interesting if its many guest stars had provided a bit more analysis or little-known information (Stewart’s commentary stands out that way) rather than simply set the audience up for a series of song-and-dance numbers, but that’s just my preference. I certainly have to applaud director Jack Haley for a masterful editing job. 8/10 stars.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072272/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Boss of Bosses (2001)

 

Please click the link to read my review of Donnie Brasco; this film takes place shortly after the events of that movie. 

Synopsis: Wise, compassionate and grandfatherly godfather gradually forgets that his colleagues are a bunch of violent sociopaths. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Based on the true story of real-life Godfather Paul Castellano” 

What Did I Learn?: Threatening to give the other guy a knuckle sandwich can be an effective negotiating tactic. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wondered what makes a Boss tick. 

Really?: 1) I realize it’s generally accepted - even by their wives - that gangsters are expected to have mistresses on the side, but bedding the family’s maid, and even bringing her on a trip to Florida struck me a bad idea for whole bunch of reasons. 2) Holy shit, why does Castellano exit his limousine moments after he’s been shot? Any rationally-thinking human being would play dead, not telegraph to his assassins that they need to pump more lead into his body. 3) So, why did Castellano and his wife drift apart? They’re clearly very much in love in the early sequences, and there isn’t much discussion or explanation for why they’re sleeping in separate bedrooms in the early 1980s. 

Rating: Boss of Bosses is a very humdrum made-for-TV gangster drama that features a pretty good performance from Chazz Palminteri and not much else. The biggest problem I had with Boss of Bosses is that it lionizes Castellano; he seems like a pretty nice guy, all things considered, and the audience never gets to see how power might have corrupted him over time. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0205782/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Singin' in the Rain (1952)

 

Please click the link to read my review of A Clockwork Orange - another film that utilized Gene Kelly’s recording of “Singin’ in the Rain” (and from what I gather, Kelly was seriously pissed off about it) 

Synopsis: Light-hearted look at the late-1920s transition between silent pictures and talkies is repeatedly interrupted by song-and-dance numbers that distract from the narrative. 

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “It remains one of the finest and most beloved musicals ever to come out of Hollywood” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) If we bring a little joy into our humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain’t been in vain for nothin’. 2) Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humour, and little people have no humour at all. 3) Dignity. Always dignity. 4) You have to show a movie at a party. It’s a Hollywood law. 5) The show must go on. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a sucker for songs about rain. 

Really?: That whole Broadway Melody sequence features a lot of great singing and dancing, but it doesn’t really fit the rest of the movie.

Rating: I’m not a huge fan of musicals, but you have to love Singin’ in the Rain, mostly because it’s funny, it examines an interesting period of the film industry (see: “Synopsis”), but it never takes itself too seriously, and it features some incredible singing and dancing numbers including Gene Kelly doing the title song and Donald O’Connor’s “Make ‘Em Laugh” that must be seen to be believed. My only complaint would be that the picture drags a little in the middle and the Broadway Melody clip could have been cut. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045152/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Beetlejuice (1988)

 

Happy Halloween!! 

Synopsis: World’s most inept ghosts match wits with pervy spectral weirdo and nouveau riche New Yorkers with hideous taste. 1988

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “The Name in Laughter and the Hereafter” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Live people ignore the strange and unusual. 2) The living won’t usually see the dead. 3) In Heaven there wouldn’t be dust on everything. 4) The handbook for the recently deceased reads like stereo instructions. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to learn about the mystery of Betelgeuse. 

Really?: 1) So, Betelgeuse (not “Beetlejuice” which is the actual title of the movie), wants to marry Lydia (Winona Ryder), even though she’s only 14? Gee, that’s a bit creepy even for a film about the supernatural. 2) I’m curious: why does Juno get so upset about Ortho getting his hands on a copy of the handbook? People have been dying since the beginning of human history, and I have to imagine that some living soul would have obtained the handbook or its predecessors before the events of this movie. 

Rating: While I have to give director Tim Burton credit for his set design and for crafting a somewhat charming and highly original black comedy, I’ve never found Beetlejuice to be all that funny (in my opinion, the often-remembered calypso dancing scene falls flat) or compelling. The film relies heavily on deliberately bad-looking special effects and moments of mayhem and doesn’t allow for much character interaction or development. The audience expects a verbal showdown between the current and previous owners of the house with Lydia as intermediary, but it never happens. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094721/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Shaft in Africa (1973)

 

Shaft #4

Synopsis: Um…the title of this film is Shaft in Africa. Take a wild guess where he goes. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Finally, there’s Shaft in Africa (‘He’s the Brother Man in the Motherland' proclaimed the ads) with our hero bringing down a slavery cartel.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) John Shaft learned stick fighting by conducting the New York Philharmonic (and he’s apparently so good at it that he’s able to defeat men who have been doing it all of their lives). 2) Shakespeare was a Johnny-come-lately. 3) The size of a man’s nose is apparently a good indicator for the size of his you-know-what. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a die-hard fan of the Four Tops. 

Really?: This film’s entire plot is patently ridiculous. Let’s see - the Emir has Shaft beaten up twice, kidnapped, and even locked in a room that’s 43 degrees Celsius, but Shaft nevertheless agrees to go on an extremely dangerous assignment in Ethiopia despite not knowing any language besides English. The villains know that Shaft is trying to infiltrate their human smuggling operation and even attempt to kill him on numerous occasions, yet he can’t bring himself to alter the compromised plan. 

Rating: Shaft in Africa is a big departure from the first two Shaft films; Richard Roundtree does a decent job of carrying this movie, and even manages to make his character somewhat likeable, but the plot doesn’t make any sense (see: “Really” and “What Did I Learn?” #1) the ending looks slapped-together and by Shaft’s own admission, he isn’t James Bond so it’s disconcerting to see him as a globe-trotting superhero rather than the Big Apple-savvy, leather trenchcoat wearing private eye we met in the first two flicks. Shaft in Africa isn’t quite a bad movie, but it comes close to becoming one. 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070679/?ref_=tt_sims_tt

Shaft's Big Score (1972)

 

Shaft #3

Synopsis: Leather-clad private detective enjoys casual sex with a variety of women as he works closely with a Harlem gangster to wipe out a mafia family… wait, isn’t that pretty much the plot of the first movie? 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “…seeking a friend’s murderer in Shaft’s Big Score! - and mixing it up with mob thugs.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) In New York, circa 1972 there was already enough shit on the sidewalk. 2) Shaft is a gamblin’ man. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're ready to move on from Hayes' memorable theme music from the first picture. 

Really?: 1) Gee….I was kinda hoping to hear Isaac Hayes’ Theme From Shaft, but apparently he and director Gordon Parks had a big falling out. I’m quite surprised the studio didn’t buy the rights to that song. 2) Strange how Shaft never has a big confrontation with Kelly, even though he knows he had Cal Asby murdered. Strangely, Shaft visits Kelly's apartment to talk to him, bangs his girlfriend when Kelly isn't at home, and doesn't speak to him again. 

Rating: Shaft’s Big Score features an impressive car-boat-helicopter-and-foot chase near the end, but it’s otherwise a watchable-but-lacklustre sequel to Shaft; the plot is rather thin, long stretches pass without anything much happening, and unlike the original, you won’t find Richard Roundtree’s title character in every scene. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069257/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Shaft (1971)

 

Shaft #2

Synopsis: Foul-mouthed New York private detective somehow stays out of the slammer, obtains money, sex and favours, and even cracks a big case even though he manages to insult everyone he encounters. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Shaft’s the name. Excitement’s the game!” 

What Did I Learn?:1) Don’t let your mouth get your ass in trouble. 2) Gangster Bumpy Jonas sells “broads and dope and numbers,” while Shaft sells “crap and blue skies,” but it’s all the same game. 3) Money ALWAYS matters. 4) Shaft charges $50 an hour plus expenses and insists upon no questions about how he spends it. [According to the Bank of Canada’s inflation calculator, $50 in 1971 is equal to about $324 in 2020]

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to see the ho-hum detective movie that inspired an amazing soundtrack. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Holy shit, Shaft throws a guy out of his office window onto the street and kills him, yet the cops let him go with a warning to stay in touch even though he’s rude to them and doesn’t provide many answers. 2) I wonder how Shaft can wear all of that leather without squeaking everywhere he goes. 

Rating: John Shaft isn’t a terribly likeable character (he’s kind of a jerk - see “Synopsis” and “Really?”), and this film is a bit dated, but Shaft is still a somewhat entertaining and compelling gumshoe thriller as well as an interesting look at New York in the early 1970s. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067741/?ref_=ttqt_qt_tt

Shaft (2019)

 

Shaft #1

Synopsis: Venerable blaxploitation franchise descends into self-parody. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Legendary bada** John Shaft (Samuel L. Jackson) agrees to help his estranged son JJ (Jessie T. Usher), uncover the truth about his friend’s suspicious death.” 

What Did I Learn?: Never throw up on the hot girl that’s feeling you. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You would gladly watch Samuel L. Jackson in just about anything. 

Really?: 1) So, Samuel L. Jackson was over 70 when he made this film? Isn’t that a bit old for swashbuckling? 2) Hmm… Shaft demands money from a drug dealer for scuffing his coat, but doesn’t think to reimburse the poor truck driver who now has a shattered windshield because he fired a shotgun at the fleeing bad dude. 

Rating: I wanted to like Shaft - my girlfriend saw it on a plane and suggested it might make a nice date night movie, but it left me somewhat cold. To be sure, the film delivers several good laughs, which is why it deserves at least a few stars, but aside from Usher’s terrible acting, that’s the main problem: the non-stop zingers (most of which are fairly crass) and occasional episodes of slapstick don’t mesh with the more serious plot, and this Shaft simply doesn’t feel like a worthy successor to the Richard Roundtree action thrillers of the 1970s. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely! Take a drink any time you find yourself thinking John Shaft Jr. (Usher) is a little too whiny to be a likeable protagonist. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4463894/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Paul (2011)

 

Synopsis: Did you ever want to see E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial reimagined as a dopey buddy stoner comedy? Today is your lucky day…. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “Paul is a must-own comedy adventure not to be missed!”

What Did I Learn?: 1) In America, kidnapping a Christian is worse than harbouring a fugitive. 2) You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to get to know the real Paul. 

Really?: 1) Ok, I realize the entire premise of this film - and most of its humour - derives from Paul sounding like Seth Rogan, and acting like a weed-smoking jerk, but he’s still an alien… he has some unusual powers, but does he ever actually think differently than humans? He never seems to provide any insights into his observations of Earth or the human condition. 2) Funny how Graeme and Clive are visiting the US from the UK, but this fact gets almost entirely buried; real cops would have mentioned that the RV-driving nerds they encountered earlier were British, for example, and I expected Paul to make an “Airstrip One” joke, but it never came. 3) I’m certainly not a Creationist, but the film’s treatment of Ruth and her father was pretty despicable; had Simon Pegg and Nick Frost painted any other ethnic or religious group as being so violent, ignorant, and closed-minded they would have been accused of bigotry. 

Rating: While the depiction of the Buggs left a bad taste in my mouth (see: "Really?" #3), Paul is otherwise a relatively enjoyable buddy comedy that pokes some good-natured fun at some iconic science fiction films and doesn’t take itself too seriously. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1092026/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

The Best of Times (1986)

 

No, I'm not doing a tribute to Robin Williams - I simply forgot that the last film I reviewed was Dead Poets Society.

Synopsis: Over-the-hill losers decide to replay that big high school football game years later because it will somehow bring the town back to life, or some similar convoluted bullshit. 

Blurb From the DVD jacket: “a hilarious film full of heart and charm, THE BEST OF TIMES makes good on the American dream. Join the team that wants to win for all the right reasons!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Jack Dundee (Robin Williams) is “pretty fast for a Caucasian” and lies about never having paid for sex; his best friend thinks he’s a “low life, blackmailing chickenshit squid.” 2) Throwing orange paint on people is a good way to make them angry. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know what it's like to live with a hoarder. 

Really?: 1) Funny how everyone associated with the 1972 Bakersfield team is ready, willing and available to play a rematch in 1985, yet Jack and the others have great difficulty tracking down their own offensive line. (Come to think of it, wouldn’t the return of these players have been more interesting and meaningful if Jack and Reno had tracked down each one and talked to them a la Oceans Eleven?) 2) So, what has Kid Lester been up to all of these years, and how does he apparently have his strange, mystical powers? Shouldn’t the audience have met him a little earlier than the big game right at the end? 3) This is a big one: it’s not entirely clear if Jack intentionally brings the tiger costume into his team’s locker room; if it was a mistake, it’s a giant fuck-up and I can’t believe anyone would be that stupid. If he knowingly did it to fire up Reno, it’s still incredibly risky because it could ruin their friendship (Jack threw paint on Reno’s wife while wearing that costume, for crying out loud!) and make Jack a complete social pariah. 4) It’s strange how the residents of Taft spontaneously decide to clean up their town in anticipation of the big game; it’s also a bit odd that such a story apparently doesn’t generate any news media coverage. 5) Holy shit, if I had to listen to Land of Hope and Glory one more time, I was going to snap. 

Rating: The Best of Times is an interesting comedic misfire. Williams and Kurt Russell work well together, and I liked their buddy chemistry, but the film suffers from some credibility and pacing issues, and the script really would have benefited from a rewrite. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090713/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Dead Poets Society (1990)

 

Synopsis: Disaster ensues after impressionable high school students take their caring and empathetic teacher’s profound words about self-empowerment and non-conformity seriously. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “He was their inspiration He made their lives extraordinary.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) There’s a time for daring and a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for. 2) Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. 3) The best advice for high school students would be to agree with everything your parents and school administrators have to say, don’t make waves and don’t be afraid to squeal like a pig to save your own academic career, because everyone in this film who defies authority meets with an unfortunate end. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood to hear some poetry. 

Really?: 1) Don’t these kids ever ponder the consequences of their actions? How did Neil think his father would react to him disobeying his orders by starring in a high school play? What did Knox think would happen after he decided to make out with a semi-conscious girl right in front of her boyfriend and his football buddies? Did Charlie even consider the possibility that he might get paddled, and possibly expelled for publicly ridiculing the headmaster? 2) So, Mr.-Find-Your-Own-Way-In-Life orders his students to rip pages out of their textbooks because he disagrees with J. Evans Pritchard’s essay? Is that action meant to advance free-thinking or intolerance for opposing views? 3) Keating (Robin Williams) and his pupils certainly quote a lot of poetry, but he doesn’t seem to provide any insights into the subject. 3) Ok, I can see Cameron finking on Keating in order to save himself from expulsion, but justifying it to his classmates with a hateful and completely self-serving speech? Considering the audience had absolutely no reason to suspect or dislike Cameron up until that moment, I have to say that it’s awfully contrived.  

Rating: I have to give Dead Poets Society something of a mixed review. While I liked this coming-of-age drama’s overall message about finding one’s own path in life, and standing up for what’s right, and one has to admire both Williams’ fine performance and the film’s beautiful cinematography, something about Dead Poets Society has always rubbed me the wrong way (see: “Synopsis,” “What Did I Learn?” #3 and “Really?”); Dead Poets Society is a good movie, but its a little too superficial, one-sided and contrived for my taste to be a great one. 7.5/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097165/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Black Sunday (1977)

 

Synopsis: Israeli commandos and senior FBI agents race against time to stop an authorized half-time show at Super Bowl X. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Black Sunday is the powerful story of a Black September terrorist group attempting to blow up a Goodyear blimp hovering over the Super Bowl stadium with 80,000 people and the President of the United States in attendance.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Cancelling the Super Bowl is akin to cancelling Christmas. 2) Anyone who has a nervous breakdown has got to have something wrong with them. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you know that blowing up the Goodyear blimp wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen during a Super Bowl. 

Really?: 1) I’d like to know a bit more about Lander’s (Bruce Dern) motivations. I realize Lander was treated badly by his wife and the military, but I had some trouble believing he would become not just a cold-blooded murderer but a suicide bomber for a Palestinian terrorist group. 1b) For that matter, I was a bit surprised that Dahlia (Marthe Keller) would similarly volunteer for suicide bomber duty, considering she’s a multilingual, and highly competent killer who would (presumably) be much more useful to her comrades alive than dead. 2) Hey, if Sean Connery can portray a Saudi Arabian diplomat, I guess Robert Shaw can be an Israeli commando. 3) Wait, do the terrorists know the US President will attend the Super Bowl? This is never mentioned until the third act of the film. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that if the Secret Service is given credible intelligence of a possible future terrorist attack they have the authority to tell the President: "nuh-uh...you're not going." 

Rating: Black Sunday is slightly dated, and it may bore modern action movie fans because long stretches pass without any violence, but in my opinion John Frankenheimer succeeded in crafting a gripping counterterrorism thriller that’s well worth checking out at least once. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075765/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_2

Threesome (1994)

 

Synopsis: Hmm… the title of this movie is “Threesome” and the VHS jacket features two dudes and an attractive young woman; take a wild guess about what happens. 

Blurb From the VHS jacket: “One girl. Two guys. Three possibilities.” 

What Did I Learn?: Sex is kinda like pizza - when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're fascinated by its subject matter, and its ability to inspire thoughtful and tasteful entertainment. 

Really?: 1) It’s amazing that Eddy writes all of Stuart’s essays and still has time for his own studies. Come to think of it, None of these kids seems to spend all that much time with the more mundane activities of going to university: studying for exams, researching and drafting papers, etc… 2) Funny how Eddy’s sexual attraction to Stuart commences mid-way through the movie after Alex moves in; that seems a bit contrived. 3) So, the other residents of the dormitory are gossiping about Eddy, Stuart and Alex, and none of them seem to care about what’s being said. This subplot should have been developed further. 4) Apparently, this film was based upon a real-life situation, but I had a bit of trouble believing a key part of the film’s premise; Stuart has no problems wooing and banging attractive women, so I’m not sure why he would fall for her, or engage in such a weird relationship. 5) Holy shit, this is a film about three young people in university - don’t any of them have parents, family members or even high school friends who might visit? 

Rating: I had never seen Threesome until a few days ago (which is strange, considering it’s generally regarded as a film that helped define Generation X, along with Singles and Reality Bites), so I was pleasantly surprised by its thoughtful observations on friendship and sexuality, witty dialogue, and a sexy performance by Lara Flynn Boyle. The film is a bit contrived in places - I seriously doubt the university would force Alex to share a dorm with two young men when it’s obvious she’s a woman and somebody made a mistake - and it could use a few more laughs, but it’s otherwise an enjoyable, if unusual romantic comedy. 7/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111418/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Requiem For a Dream (2000)

 

Dang - this would have been perfect for my salute to addiction-themed movies back in 2011!

Synopsis: Confused older lady and her nitwit son, as well as the son’s troubled girlfriend and his streetwise straight-up G find out the hard way that drugs are bad, mkay? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Darren Aronofsky follows up his acclaimed π with this emotionally charged film set amidst the abandoned beaches and faded glory of Coney Island, Brooklyn.” 

What Did I Learn?: Holy shit, if I ever decide to become a heroin junkie, I’ll never inject into the same location more than once, and if I find myself addicted to diet pills, my very first action will be to unplug the refrigerator! 

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe your major appliances have minds of their own. 

Really?: 1) I had a bit of a hard time believing Sara (Ellen Burstyn in a magnificent performance) would actually watch, let alone wish to appear on the Tappy Tibbons show, considering his way of life revolves around giving up red meat and sugar, and it’s obvious that Sara likes to eat. 2) Wait - it’s obvious that Harry (Jared Leto) desperately needs medical attention for his arm, so how can the doctor on duty at the hospital fail to provide treatment? Wouldn’t that result in a huge lawsuit? And while it’s obvious that Harry and Tyrone are junkies, how can the local cops arrest them (and apparently send them to prison without trial) when the entire reason they’re travelling to Florida in the first place is that they don’t have any drugs? 3) Ok, Sara isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and she’s obsessed with fitting into her red dress, but she’s also a grown woman without any history of substance abuse. Most normal people would stop taking the diet pills at the first sign of hallucinations. 4) Hmm… Sara and Harry have one confrontation over Sara’s drug habit somewhere in middle of the movie, and then they never speak to each other again. I was expecting more of a resolution. 

Rating: Requiem For a Dream is a depressing, but highly engrossing and stylishly-directed public service announcement on the evils of addictive drugs, including legal substances such as caffeine. The film features several fine performances (Burstyn thought this might have been her best work, and I’m inclined to agree with her), but none of the characters develop even the slightest self-realization, and the plot becomes so cluttered with strange contrivances (see: “Really?”) that it’s difficult to care about how it ends. 7/10 stars.  

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0180093/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Twister (1996)

 

Synopsis: It’s basically two hours of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton bickering with each other in a pickup truck as they criss-cross Oklahoma during some really bad weather. 

Blurb From the imdb.com: “Bill and Jo Harding, advanced storm chasers on the brink of divorce, must join together to create an advanced weather alert system by putting themselves in the cross-hairs of extremely violent tornadoes.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Things go wrong. You can’t explain it, you can’t predict it. 2) The “suck zone” is the point when a twister sucks you up. 3) In a severe lightning storm, you wanna grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to understand the inspiration for a much later cinematic travesty. 

Really?: 1) Hmm…. so, Bill is getting married and starting a (safe) new job fairly soon, and he somehow allows himself to sucked back (pun totally intended) into his ex’s storm-chasing insanity one last time. That sounds an awful lot like the storyline of The Front Page / Switching Channels. 2) While I'm certainly not an expert on meteorological matters, I don't think Bill and Jo would be able to survive a Category 5 tornado just by holding on really tightly to some exposed pipes. 

Rating: Twister features some impressive special effects as well as several moments of genuine excitement, and that's about it. Twister isn't quite awful enough to qualify for Bad Movie status (although its plot and dialogue are terrible), but it isn't very good (or memorable), either. Speaking truthfully, the last time I attempted to watch this film in the mid-2000s, I fell asleep. Meh. 5/5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117998/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The A-Team (2010)

 

Synopsis: Hollywood turns yet another beloved TV series into a big-budget action flick without the slightest understanding of why people loved the show in the first place. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “There’s more action - and more attitude - in The A-Team Extended Edition, which includes a never-before-seen version of the film with spectacular added footage not shown in theatres!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Overkill is underrated. 2) It’s not who you know, it’s how you know them. 3a) There’s a plan in everything; 3b) No matter how random things may appear, there’s still a plan. 4) The CIA has rules, and they’re cooler than the rules followed by the US military. 5) Never cuff a man in a seated position with his hands behind his back.  

You Might Like This Movie If: you're ok knowing there's no such thing as an original idea in Hollywood these days. 

Really?: Hoo-wee, where do I start? None of the action scenes are the least bit plausible (most of them involve split-second timing, and each member of the team being in exactly the right place and knowing exactly what to do), I had a bit of trouble believing Murdock could speak Swahili, or that Hannibal apparently has the ability to recite anything Gandhi ever said from memory, so maybe I’ll just concentrate on the bizarre origin story presented in this film. 

Let me see if I have this straight… B.A. and Murdock are both ex-military (not sure if B.A. was honourably discharged or not, and Murdock is in a Mexican insane asylum), but Hannibal encounters both of them for the first time during a mission in Mexico (Hannibal actually shoots B.A. in the arm and carjacks his van, yet the latter actually agrees to help him out!), and then recruits them into his commando unit. Is that even possible? 

Rating: Having never seen The A-Team movie until recently, I can see how and why it underperformed at the box office, and nobody has bothered to make a sequel. This over-the-top CGI infested action flick is far more reminiscent of The Losers than the 1980s television show, and it possesses neither the charm nor the humour of the latter. Check it out if your really want to see Dwight Schultz and Dirk Benedict in small cameo appearances (Benedict later regretted his decision, by the way). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0429493/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Hurricane Smith (1992)

 

Synopsis: Coasting on the spectacular box-office success of Action Jackson, Carl Weathers mugs his way through a low-budget Ozploitation shoot-em-up. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Carl Weathers is Hurricane Smith. He’ll blow you away.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, Australian cops only show up when you call them. You can apparently shoot at a bus full of tourists on a busy boulevard and then crash your car into a fast food joint and you’ll never see Melbourne’s finest. 2) Australians refer to Americans as “septics,” and they’re still pissed off at them for unknown reasons going back to the Second World War. . 

You Might Like This Movie If: You assume from the title that you're in for a 90-minute music video. 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” #1 2) Um….the lady on the VHS jacket doesn’t look much like Cassandra Delaney, who plays Weathers’ love interest Julie. 3) So, the bad guys give Hurricane a super-duper beating, throw him out of a moving car, and he’s pretty much ok, except for some initially wobbly movements. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have a concussion or any cracked ribs! 4) Wait, Smith and his buddies have stormed Dowd’s compound, the cops are en route, so Dowd thinks this is the perfect time to ice his rather whiny mistress? That scenes makes no sense. 5) It seems a bit anticlimactic that we never meet Hurricane’s sister, and we’re never given a definitive answer about her fate; ok, Dowd asserts near the end that she was murdered, but he’s locked in a life-or-death struggle with Hurricane at the time, and it’s plausible he makes this claim only to mentally attack his opponent. 

Rating: Jurgen Prochnow does a great job of making drug dealer Charlie Dowd a truly menacing villain (although I don’t know why an Australian gangster would have a noticeable German accent), but Hurricane Smith is otherwise a very pedestrian low-energy Aussie thriller that doesn’t really go anywhere. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Sure! Take a drink any time somebody addresses Hurricane with: “You Americans.” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099814/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Action Jackson (1988)

 

Synopsis: Police sergeant with a Stanford law degree and the ability to outrun speeding taxi cabs(!!) takes on…wait, WTF?!? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Get ready for ACTION! Like the blast from a .44 magnum, ACTION JACKSON explodes with the most spectacular action/adventure excitement of the year.” 

What Did I Learn?: Murder is a tool. [That’s a quote from the movie, btw]

You Might Like This Movie If: You love every project Carl Weathers ever attempted. 

Really?: 1) See: “Synopsis.” Seriously, Jackson has a top-notch legal education, and is able to debate case law with a judge during a party, yet he decided to remain a cop even after he was demoted? 2) Um….how does a sassy hairstylist know all about Peter Delaplane’s (Craig T. Nelson) criminal activities and top-secret moves? 3) I really didn’t need to see Papa Doc’s testicles preserved in a pickle jar; also, why would that set of villains want to give Jackson the same treatment? Wouldn’t he likely return some day in a murderous rage and looking for some payback? 4) So, wait… it’s suddenly revealed during Delaplane’s big garden party that he attempted to assassinate a union leader, Delaplane orders that his helicopter be made available because the jig is clearly up and he’ll soon be a wanted man, and yet he still finds time to return to his bedroom for the express purpose of giving his mistress a fatal heroin overdose. WTF? 5) Funny how Delaplane’s trained assassins are presented as nearly super-human in the opening scenes (they can somehow appear and disappear at will), yet Jackson doesn’t seem to have much trouble dispatching them. 6) Goodness knows, if I ever drive a high-performance sports car through somebody’s mansion, I’ll be sure to recite the car’s marketing slogan as I do so. 

Rating: Created as a starring vehicle for Carl Weathers, Action Jackson is basically a Dirty Harry ripoff that feels more like a reboot of the television series Sledge Hammer with Weathers in the title role (when he’s reminded that he once tore off a suspect’s arm, Jackson replies: “he had a spare!”) Weathers is certainly likeable as Joshua Jackson, and Vanity is quite good as the villain’s mistress, but the script doesn’t make much sense (see: “Synopsis”, “What Did I Learn?” And “Really?”), and it bizarrely attempts to combine a lot of brutal violence with a cartoonish tone. Check it out if you want to see Nelson before he became Coach, Sharon Stone pre-Basic Instinct, or you’ve ever wondered what Thomas Wilson did after he played Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future films (he plays one of the two inept patrol cops). 5.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094612/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

The Arab Conspiracy / Double Hit / The Next Man (1976)

 

Synopsis: Bullets fly and people die when a Saudi Arabian diplomat announces his country wishes to leave OPEC and form a partnership with Israel [I’ll take “Things that would never happen in real life” for $600, Alex] 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Crisis in the Gulf! The assassins from all over the world are conspiring to eliminate the Arab leaders. The killing is the only solution to control the power of oil.” [Holy shit, was this translated from another language? Who wrote the VHS jacket blurb?]

What Did I Learn?: The secret of backgammon is “back.” [I have no idea what that means - it’s a quote from the film]

You Might Like This Movie If: You're in the mood to check out one of Sean Connery's more unusual career decisions.

Really?: 1) So, the Saudi foreign minister speaks in a Scottish brogue. How about that. 2)  Oh, and the American ambassador to Britain’s daughter is a cold-blooded assassin. How/why did she get into that line of work? 2) Funny how the CIA is able to provide Khalil with a great biographical summary of Nicole Scott’s life, but nobody seems to have noticed that she spent an awful lot of time with Khalil’s buddy Al Sharif (Adolfo Cell) right before he met with an untimely death. 3) Wait, Nicole must know that her handlers will soon order her to ice Khalil, so why would she blast two other assassins during her weekend trip to the Bahamas with Khalil? That doesn’t make much sense. 

Rating: While I generally have a soft spot in my heart for 1970s thrillers, The Arab Conspiracy (or whatever its proper title might be) is something of a disappointment for a number of reasons: obviously, Connery is woefully miscast, Cornelia Sharpe is incredibly sexy and charming as Nicole Scott, but the viewer is left completely in the dark about who she is or what motivates her, and I think the geopolitical issues raised in this film deserved a bit more analysis and discussion. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074962/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0