Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Happy New Year – Please click the link to read my review of Conan the Barbarian (which, coincidentally, was one of the first movies I reviewed in 2012)

Synopsis: ‘Roided-up, muscle-headed oaf saves a princess, or whatever.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The fabulous Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor, author, seven times Mr. Olympia and five times Mr. Universe, is back for the further adventures of Conan, the warrior king. And this time he’s joined by a large cast that includes Grace Jones, and Wilt Chamberlain. In this second Conan epic, he is asked by the evil Queen Taramis to accompany a beautiful young princess to find a magic treasure.”

What Did I Learn?: Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain couldn’t act.

Really?: 1) Instead of sacrificing many of her guards attempting to capture Conan early on, why didn’t Queen Taramis at least try to talk to him, first? 2) What possible motivation did the wizard have for kidnapping Princess Jehnna (Olivia D’Abo), and why didn’t somebody stay up to watch over the camp that night? 3) Is it easy to swim when you’re weighted down with heavy steel weapons and a whole lot of useless muscle? 4) How many fucking castles do Conan and his crew wind up skulking through? 4) Funny how Bombaata (Chamberlain) and Jehnna find a secret passage that emerges what – ten feet away from where they left the horses? 5) Why in the world does the Queen reveal her entire evil plot to Bombaata in the first five minutes of the film? Couldn’t their treachery have been used as a surprise, later on?

Rating: While the original Conan the Barbarian is a fun sword-and-sorcery epic, Conan the Destroyer is a big disappointment. There’s no villain in the same league as James Earl Jones’ Thulsa Doom, the plot meanders from one pointless fight scene to the next, the sets are cheesy and unconvincing, and the special effects are suspiciously low-budget. Moreover, Grace Jones wildly overacts, Chamberlain has the range of a toaster, while D’Abo simply screams all the time. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars.

Would it Work For a BAD MOVIE NIGHT?: Conan the Destroyer has “BAD MOVIE NIGHT” written all over it.

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