The Concorde Airport '79 (1979)

Hey Everyone, guess what – Schuster at the Movies is now two years old! I have posted links to my very first reviews, Citizen Kane and Lethal Weapon a number of times, but you might also enjoy Battlestar Galactica (the 1978 version), Raiders of the LostArk, Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em, and The X-Files. 

1970s Disaster Movie #3

Synopsis:  Charo? Jimmie Walker? Martha Raye? John Davidson? What the fuck is this movie, The Love Boat Dodges Heat-Seeking Missiles?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “At twice the speed of sound, can the Concorde evade attack?”

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, stewardesses will allow you to keep your dog with you during a flight, play a saxophone in your seat, or smoke marijuana in the bathroom if you seem indignant enough.

You Might Like This Movie If: You probably won't like this movie... unless you're a hard-core Charo-head. 

Really?: Holy shit, where do I begin? 1) I’m pretty sure you can’t stick your hand out of an airplane that’s travelling at twice the speed of sound without it getting sliced off, lickity-split. 2) So wait... the owner of a major weapons firm would actually take the heat of destroying a commercial airliner because he wants to ice his girlfriend who knows too much? Couldn’t he simply kill her when she gets to Paris? 3) The Concorde is attacked twice over the Atlantic... and nobody looks into it? It flies the very next day for Moscow? 4) Again, why is Harrison so fixated on blowing up the Concorde when he could hire a hitman to kill Maggie in Paris? Come to think of it, why does he fly to Paris in the first place to meet with her, when he’s already decided she has to die? 5) I’m pretty sure that if I spent a night with a hot chick who “gets” me, and was later told she was a prostitute who was paid to show me a good time, I don’t think I would simply laugh off  the incident. 6) Speaking of which, I REALLY didn’t need to see George Kennedy get it on with a hooker in front of a roaring fire. 7) Hey wait... wasn’t Joe Patroni an airport mechanic with five kids in Airport? Since when did he become a full-fledged pilot with only one son?

Rating: The Concorde Airport ’79 is atrocious with a Capital A. The special effects are bargain-basement, the plot is filled with Buick-sized holes, and everything is tacky and ridiculous. Heck, this cinematic turd pretty much finished off Cicely Tyson's acting career! The one bright spot is George Kennedy, who provides a bit of humanity and good-natured humour because his George Patroni character is given a chance to shine; it’s a shame he wasn’t given top billing. I cannot recommend this movie. 2/10 stars.

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Take a drink every time the film cuts to a shot of the passengers in a state of panic.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078740/?ref_=sr_1

Airport '77 (1977)

1970s Disaster Movie #2 (Sorry folks, I don’t own a Copy of Airport’75 – I will review it in due time)

Synopsis: Jimmy Stewart and Jack Lemmon receive big paycheques to re-make The Poseidon Adventure. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Flight 23 has crashed in the Bermuda Triangle... passengers still alive, trapped underwater.” 

What Did I Learn?: An entire jetliner load of passengers and crew will awaken from knockout gas simultaneously, at just the right time.

 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that art thieves are bad news. Baaaaaaaaad newwwwwwwws. 

 

Really?: 1) Wait... Christopher-Fucking-Lee is in this movie and he’s not only a good guy, but a hen-pecked milquetoast? 2) Um... I don’t want to sound like Tom Clancy or anyone, but I’m pretty sure Navy frogmen didn’t have long hair in the late 1970s. 3) So, what the hell is Joe Patroni (George Kennedy) doing in Florida? I thought he was based out of Chicago. His appearance in this movie seems a bit tacked-on. 4) After striking an oil rig, and then crashing into the ocean, I’m not entirely convinced a 747 would stay intact underwater, or that the Navy could raise it by inflating some big balloons underneath. 

Rating: I expected to hate Airport ’77, and... I didn’t. Oh, it’s certainly a hunk of 1970s cheese, with terrible dialogue and a highly unbelievable plot, but the story is compelling and it’s fun to watch so many long-dead stars overact. Unfortunately, the movie’s tension is noticeably reduced when: a) the art thieves/hijackers no longer pose a threat to the other passengers after the plane crashes, and b) Captain Gallagher (Lemmon) reaches the surface after a daring escape. 6/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075648/?ref_=rvi_tt

Airport (1970)

1970s Disaster Movie #1 (Please click the links to read my reviews of The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, and Beyond the Poseidon Adventure) 

Synopsis: Melodrama at 30,000 feet! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Take a nonstop flight with an all-star cast to  world of tension-filled human drama in this trend-setting box office blockbuster. Based on Arthur Hailey’s runaway bestseller, the emotion-charged adventure stars Burt Lancaster as the manager of a glamorous international airport who must juggle personal crises with professional responsibilities as he attempts to keep his blizzard torn facility open to rescue a bomb-damaged jetliner.” 

What Did I Learn?:  1) Um... if your motive is to blow up a transatlantic flight and make your wife a rich widow, you might want to bring some luggage (besides a tightly-gripped attaché case) along, and you probably don’t want to buy your flight insurance right before takeoff. 2) The Boeing 707 can do anything but read. 3) Bored housewives never understand it when real men with real jobs have to stay late to deal with an emergency snowstorm. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You firmly believe Dean Martin and airplanes go together like peanut butter and jelly.

 

Really?: 1) So wait... why couldn’t the plane land in Toronto or Cleveland? Why does it have to return to Chicago, when it’s painfully obvious that isn’t a convenient location? 2) Speaking of “convenient”, isn’t it fortuitous when Mel Bakersfeld’s (Burt Lancaster) admits to an affair, thereby allowing him to  ask out Tanya Livingstone. 3) So wait... Joe Patroni is ordered by Bakersfeld to turn off the 707 engines, and he instead guns them and saves the day. I don’t suppose he gives a shit about keeping his job, or destroying an airplane that’s said to be worth $8 million in 1970 dollars. 4) Gee... even though it's the worst snowstorm in six years, Guerrero's wife (Maureen O'Hara) and Mrs. Bakersfeld seem to have no trouble making to the airport.

Rating: Burt Lancaster apparently called this movie “the worst piece of junk ever made.” Airport isn’t quite that bad, but the dialogue is terrible, the storyline focuses far too much on the personal problems of its characters, and it’s obvious that everyone is trying way too hard. Check it out if you’ve ever wanted to see Lancaster interact with Dean Martin, or if you want to understand the source material for those Airplane! parodies. 5.5/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065377/?ref_=sr_1

The Newton Boys (1998)

Synopsis: Boyish beefcake brother bandits bomb banks, befuddle bobbies, badly botch big boxcar burglary. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They started out dirt poor – and ended up filthy rich! Matthew McConaughey, Ethan Hawke and Skeet Ulrich head an all-star cast in this action-packed adventure about the exploits of America’s most successful outlaws.” 

What Did I Learn?:  Apparently, a judge will go easy on you if you plead guilty in court, and pepper your speech with folksy, aw-shucks witticisms. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you'll watch anything that involves 1920s bank robbers.

 

Really?: The Newton Boys is based on a true story, so it might not be entirely fair to judge it along these lines (sometimes truth is stranger than fiction),  but gee... these guys never wore masks during their robberies, and yet nobody ever produced a good description of them? Is that credible? And when the banks started to adopt blast-proof round safes, why didn’t these guys find better targets (payroll runs?) or learn how to open them? 

Rating: The Newton Boys is an enjoyable, if somewhat predictable, overly long, and by-the-numbers look at some likeable (and largely non-violent) bank robbing brothers. The movie is fun when the boys are robbing banks; it’s not much fun whenever Julianna Margulies nags McConaughey’s character about the need for him to go legit, and I wonder why writer Richard Linklater couldn’t have done a better job of defining the other brothers; frankly, I think Dock Newton could have been written out, entirely. 7/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120769/?ref_=ttqt_qt_tt

Devious Beings (2002)

Hey – another Tarantino rip-off movie! 

Synopsis: Loveable dirtbags with a suitcase of stolen ecstasy are pursued by world’s most Politically Correct drug dealer. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Casey. Arrow. Jackson. They’ve been buddies since they were kids. They’re the rave crowd who can get any illicit drug for the right price. No way these guys could get played, right? Wrong. When their latest deal goes south, their entire world may go up in smoke. They’re up against the wall, and they’re running out of options. In the tradition of Go and Pulp Fiction, Devious Beings is a wild ride you’ll never forget.” [“In the tradition of Go and Pulp Fiction”? Oh, give me a break...] 

What Did I Learn?: It’s ok to love sweet-and-sour pork ribs, but for fuck’s sake, chew them first, and have a glass of water nearby if you swallow a bone. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy watching old friends behave like...well, devious beings. 

Really?: See “Synopsis”; I had a hard time believing a professional criminal would beat the shit out of a grocery store customer in broad daylight, in the middle of a parking lot because of a disagreement over paper or plastic bags. 

Rating: Fans of the TV series Entourage might want to watch Devious Beings just to see Kevin Connolly in a previous acting role, but the film is otherwise pretty meh – there aren’t any great performances, and the story never really goes anywhere. It's a lot of pointless, graphic violence. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Take a drink every time one of the three main characters gets frustrated and says the word: “fuck”. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0233559/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Truth or Consequences New Mexico (1997)

Hmm... this would have been perfect for my salute to Tarantino rip-off films.

Synopsis: Spree killer, dirtbag prison buddies, and semi-willing yuppie hostages embark on a voyage of personal discovery through the American Southwest after icing a drug dealer.

 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The plan was simple enough. Crash a big drug deal. Hold up the boss. Make off with the cash. Simple enough... until an undercover cop takes a fatal bullet. Now. Four small-time crooks are on the run – with a suitcase full of cocaine, two yuppie hostages, and too many secrets to keep.” 

What Did I Learn?: prosciutto is "good fucking ham."

 

You Might Like This Movie If: You figure it must be an extended version of this show.

 

Really?: 1) Hold on... there are a number of times when the gang could have cut the hostages loose without any fuss - especially when they change cars - and they don't. 2) So, Raymond is wrong about Eddie being alone in the building, and he has absolutely no idea that Eddie works for Tony Vago? I suppose criminals are often dumb, but why is this never explained? 3) Wait just a New York Minute... Raymond saw Curtis go apeshit and shoot Eddie and the undercover cop, and he KNOWS that Curtis hates Tony Vago for killing an old buddy. Why in the world would Raymond take Curtis along for backup when he meets with Vago? 4) Funny how the gang is captured on surveillance video, and yet they never seem to be recognized anywhere they go. Doesn't anyone watch America's Most Wanted?

 

Rating: Truth or Consequences New Mexico is certainly an entertaining movie, and Kiefer Sutherland turns in a fine performance as coke-snorting sociopath, Curtis (by contrast, Vincent Gallo always seems to play some variation of his character in Buffalo 66). Unfortunately, ToCNM drags by the end, the plot holes become a bit obvious, and somehow, Raymond and Addy - who start out as the film's protagonists - somehow get a little lost in the shuffle. 6/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120383/?ref_=sr_1