Sunday, January 13, 2013

Driven (2001)

Driving Really Fast Movie #1

Synopsis: It’s Stallone’s greatest cinematic masterpiece since Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The on-track excitement and off-track romantic pursuits of race-car drivers from the revved-up heart of Driven, a breathless action drama of speed and spectacle starring and written by Sylvester Stallone.”

What Did I Learn?: Words you should never say to a hot-tempered woman: “what do you want to do, hit me?”

You Might Like This Movie If: You know, deep down, that Stallone would never, ever make a bad movie.

Really?: 1) So, Joe and Jimmy take a 200mph joy-ride through the streets of Chicago, and we never even hear any sirens in the background when they finally stop to chat? And neither man has to face criminal charges for reckless driving? 2) I can’t imagine very many magazines would send a reporter to multiple expensive locations around the globe just to do a piece on “male dominance in auto racing.” 3) So, Bo Brandenburg isn’t such a bad guy? If that’s the case, then why exactly should the audience give a shit if Jimmy Bly wins or loses the big race? 4)  If you’re driving in a big race and notice that a buddy driver is out of commission thanks to a nasty accident, your best course of action is to do a U-Turn on a busy racetrack and drive towards him!

Rating: Driven? More like Drivel. Written by, and starring the legendary Sylvester Stallone, Driven is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. If the film suffered simply from a formulaic plot, Driven might have at least achieved some form of mediocrity. Alas, Stallone’s turkey combines sub-standard CGI special effects with atrocious dialogue and several bad performances; Gina Gershon is wasted as Joe’s harpy ex-wife, while some of the scenes between Estella Warren and Til Schweiger are so awful they’re simply cringe-inducing. Driven is all flash and no substance, and I cannot recommend this movie. 2/10 stars.

Would it Work For a BAD MOVIE NIGHT?: I doubt it.

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