Nobody's Fool (1994)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #11

Synopsis: Flawed, salt-of-the-Earth day labourer re-connects with estranged son by... narcotizing a dog and stealing a snowblower?!?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “In his fortieth year of moviemaking, Paul Newman adds another milestone portrayal to his career in Nobody’s Fool, a luminous slice-of-life story set in a blue-collar upstate New York town and laced throughout with humor and heart.”

What Did I Learn?: Don't EVER ask a kid nicknamed "Whacker" how he acquired such a monicker.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Paul Newman is nobody's fool...but if he were, you would pity him.

Really?: 1) I had a bit of trouble believing the relationship between Sully (Newman) and Carl (Bruce Willis), the slimy local contractor... let's see: Sully sues Carl for injuries sustained during a job, yet agrees to work for him under the table? And then Sully steals Carl's snowblower not once, but twice, and Carl responds not by calling the cops, but stealing it back? 2) Hold on - Sully's son loses his job as an English professor in the city, and he decides to settle in town with one of his two sons in order to do handyman work? I realize his marriage is on the rocks, and he put himself through college by doing carpentry, but come on - wouldn't he at least go home and try to find a job there, instead? 3) Melanie Griffith offers to take Sully with her to Hawaii? Um...I'm not buying that one. And I certainly don't believe he would politely decline her offer.

Rating: Nobody's Fool is a warm-hearted, and often funny character-driven drama. Newman is gruff-but-kind-hearted ne'er-do-well (a marked contrast to his performance in Harry and Son, where he played a blue collar jerk), and he shares some great moments with Willis, the late Jessica Tandy as Sully's landlady, and a number of other characters in some wonderful scenes. The storyline is a bit contrived, so I can't give this movie a perfect score, but Nobody's Fool is still highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110684/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Cool Hand Luke (1967)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie # 10

Synopsis: Hud goes to jail.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “His crime: nonconformity. His sentence: the chain gang. Paul Newman plays one of this best-loved roles as Cool Hand Luke, the loner who won’t – or can’t – conform to the arbitrary rules of captivity. It recalls other hallmark Newman performances: Luke is The Hustler without a dream of victory, Harper without a moral mission, Hud without a father to defy.”

What Did I Learn?: After you've busted out of jail, it probably isn't a good idea to mail postcards and magazines back to your buddies in the slammer.

You Might Like This Movie If: You admire a hard-working hero who gobbles down eggs, uses pepper as a weapon, and often finds himself in a pickle.

Really?: 1) Prison rape is mentioned early on when the new convicts are warned against playing "grab-ass", but it never becomes an issue. I realize Luke can defend himself against attacks, but I had a hard time believing the obnoxious bad cheque guy wouldn't become somebody's squeeze toy. 2) So, Luke had what...a two-year sentence? There's never any mention of extra time being tacked on after any of his escapes, so I really have to wonder how long he was in the big house, and how close he was to getting out, had he minded his P's and Q's. 3) I realize the warden didn't want Luke to work on the road after the death of his mother, but come on - did he have to throw him in the hot box for the duration of time until her burial? Sure, it helps establish the warden as a bad-ass, but that seems awfully punitive and counter-productive, considering Luke hadn't done anything. 4) So, Luke's buddies had permission to help themselves to 50 hard-boiled eggs from the prison kitchen in order to facilitate a wager? 5) One of the guards mentions that he's never killed a white man before, yet there aren't any African-Americans in the prison. Since this film is set in the deep South, I'm guessing the prisons were still segregated, but maybe somebody should have explained this?

Rating: Cool Hand Luke is probably Paul Newman's most iconic role, and he does a magnificent job of portraying the troubled rebel without a cause. While younger audiences may find it a bit slow-moving, Cool Hand Luke is - on the surface - a powerful, yet often-funny movie about life in a Southern prison; at a deeper level, it's the tragic story about a radical non-conformist who is unable to find his place in the world. Anyone who hated high school, or worked a bad job will identify with Luke to some degree. Oh, and kudos to George Kennedy for an outstanding performance as the bully with a heart of gold, Dragline. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061512/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Harry and Son (1984)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie # 9

Synopsis: Grumpy old fart loses career, goofball son drinks his beer.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Only a hard-nose writes off his kid. Only a hero has the courage to change.”

What Did I Learn?: A sure-fire way to piss off Dear Old Dad is to open his last beer, drink a bit from the can, and leave it half-finished in the fridge.

You Might Like This Movie If: you're a sucker for anything that ends in "and son".

Really?: 1) Um, I get that Harry really needs to get laid, two years after the death of his wife, but come on - how many sons would introduce their dad to a nymphomaniac, take off, and allow her to have her way with the old fart? 2) If Howard doesn't want to work as a "feeder" in the box-making plant, why doesn't he simply quit? Why in the world would he overload the machine, cause chaos, and leave under a cloud? It makes for a nifty scene, but it doesn't ring true. 3) If Harry wants to get back to work so badly, why doesn't he visit a doctor's office and get himself checked out? 4) Hold on - Howard was valedictorian in high school, and yet he has no plans for post-secondary education or a career besides writing stories and detailing cars? Come to think of it, if Howard was so fucking smart, wouldn't he possess some basic knowledge about the science of carbonation? (See: "What Did I Learn?")

Rating: I wanted to like Harry and Son a lot more than I did. It's a small, character-driven drama featuring a solid performance from Newman, as well as cameo appearances from a young Ellen Barkin, Morgan Freeman, Ossie Davis, and Wilford Brimley. Unfortunately, this movie suffers from a number of major problems.

The film might have worked a lot better had it focused like a laser beam on the tensions between Harry and his son, Howie (Robbie Benson) along the lines of I Ought to Be in Pictures. Instead, Newman is off-screen for long stretches, and when he does appear, it becomes increasingly difficult to like the old bastard - especially after he plays an incredibly nasty "joke" on his daughter. It's up to Benson to carry the movie, yet he isn't a terribly good actor, and he plays Howie with such a ridiculous manic energy that you have to wonder what Newman - the Director - was thinking. Another problem is the dizzying array of ideas, characters and sub-plots that are introduced and then discarded (or at least never really developed); that's bad writing, and Newman - the writer - deserves criticism. 5.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087386/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Torn Curtain (1966)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #8

Synopsis: Implausibly charming-and-handsome scientist bangs Mary Poppins and defects to the commies.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Paul Newman and Julie Andrews star in this classic tale of international espionage set behind the Iron Curtain.”

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, even if you were wanted by the secret police, it was super-easy to travel from Leipzig to Berlin in mid-1960s East Germany.

You Might Like This Movie If: based on the title, you figure it must be a two-hour-long adorable cat video.

Really?: 1) Um...where are the Soviets? Are we supposed to believe that a well-known American scientist - with a background in designing missiles and guidance systems - could simply defect to East Germany without a thorough interrogation by the KGB? 2) So wait...Armstrong (Newman) asks Sarah (Julie Andrews) to marry him, just before he's set to publicly defect to the Eastern bloc? 3) Um...couldn't Dr. Koska have come up with a better idea for getting Armstrong's attention than tripping him down some stairs? 4) Funny how Armstrong and Sarah get around so well in East Germany, considering neither of them sprechen any Deutsch. And would an entire theatre full of East Germans immediately behave like panicked children if somebody shouted "fire" (in English) and there wasn't any visible smoke or flames?  

Rating: Torn Curtain was one of Alfred Hitchcock's least-favourite directing jobs, as he apparently fought with nearly everyone: Newman, the writers, the studio, the musical director, etc... As a method actor, Newman isn't given much to do in this plot-driven thriller, Andrews seems mis-cast as Newman's clueless assistant, neither of them enjoy any chemistry together, and the dialogue is flat. Torn Curtain isn't a great movie by any stretch, but it actually isn't all that bad for an evening's entertainment. 6/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061107/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Hud (1963)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #7

Synopsis: It's like a really stripped-down version of Dallas, except the Ewings don't have any money, and JR's always drunk and surly.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Paul Newman is Hud, a man at odds with his father, tradition and himself. Hud’s only interests are fighting, drinking, hot-rodding his Cadillac and womanizing.”

What Did I Learn?: West Texas looks pretty bleak and depressing when it's filmed in black-and-white...oh wait, I learned that from The Last Picture Show!

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to see the family ranch become a "Hud Home."

Really?: After his gazillionth barroom brawl, wouldn't the local cantinas simply refuse to serve Hud any booze, and wouldn't the cops eventually throw his ass in jail?  

Rating: Paul Newman delivers one of his greatest performances as an often nasty, yet strangely sympathetic antihero in Hud. Apparently, Newman set out to portray the title character as a villain, and was later surprised to find that many young people identified with him, rather than with Hud's virtuous-and-strict father. That's not surprising, as Newman does a magnificent job of fleshing out the character, and the writing is top notch; my jaw dropped, and I experienced a "holy shit" moment when Hud's father remarks: "little by little the look of the country changes because of the men we admire." Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.
 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057163/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

The Towering Inferno (1974)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #6

Synopsis: It's basically The Poseidon Adventure done vertically... and OJ Simpson saves a cat!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A dedication ceremony at the world’s tallest skyscraper turns into a high-rise catastrophe when a defective wire in its systems-control panel causes an electrical flare-up. Within minutes, the gala event turns into a hellish inferno, as a raging fire traps society’s most prominent citizens on the top floor.”

What Did I Learn?: Anyone who enjoys illicit sex in a disaster movie can expect to be among the first to be burnt to a crisp.

You Might Like This Movie If: you love anything from the 1970s involving an inferno.

Really?: 1) Hmmm... for a hot-shot architect with detailed knowledge of electrical wiring, Roberts (Newman) doesn't seem to know very much about gas. 2) It sure is fortunate they decided to build that monstrosity with a zillion gallons of water on the 135th floor... and that the H2O flows vertically downward when the tanks are blown, rather than directly out the first available glass windows.

Rating: Produced by Irwin Allen, The Towering Inferno is very much a rip-off of The Poseidon Adventure, right down to similar characters (precocious young brother and sister, a kindly old man with money troubles, a greedy cost-cutter who gets everyone into trouble, etc...) and even a few instrumental bars of "The Morning After". Newman once referred to this film as a "turkey," because working with Steve McQueen wasn't easy (the latter insisted upon a contract clause which ensured the two of them had exactly the same number of dialogue lines), and the script is hackneyed and clichéd... the term "high-rise roulette" is a prime example, but check out this exchange:

Doug Roberts: I'm not a cheeseburger.

Susan: No, you're way better, all protein, no bread, now all I need to take with you is eight glasses of water.

In spite of the awful writing, however, The Towering Inferno isn't really a bad movie - it's mindless fun for a rainy Sunday afternoon. 6/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072308/?ref_=sr_1

The Color of Money (1986)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #5

Synopsis: Wily old fart and dumb-as-a-post precocious kid discover America in a series of run-down pool halls.  

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Paul Newman, one of Hollywood's greatest stars, and Tom Cruise, one of its hottest new talents, ignite the screen in this powerful drama."

What Did I Learn?: “Pool excellence is *not* about excellent pool.”  2) “The balls roll funny for everybody.” 3) “Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.” 4) “You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls.”
 

 You Might Like This Movie If: You know that cocky and obnoxious come naturally to Newman's co-star.

Really?: 1) Gee...Eddie sure enjoys wearing those tinted sunglasses, even in darkened rooms. 2) I had a hard time believing Eddie - who has been away from billiards for 25 years, and has finally made it back to a big tournament - would forfeit his place in order to play his former protégé. 3) So wait... we wait and wait to see Eddie take on Vince (Cruise) in a game of billiards, and then... [No Spoilers].  4) So, does Vince ever take Eddie's advice, even once?

Rating: The Color of Money is an entertaining, although somewhat formulaic, predictable, and probably unnecessary sequel to The Hustler. Newman won an Oscar for his portrayal of Fast Eddie Felson (whether he deserved it for this movie, or whether he was due for one is open for debate) Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio is good in a surprisingly well-developed role as Vince's older, tougher and much smarter girlfriend, and even Cruise isn't all that bad. Look for appearances by Forrest Whittaker and John Turturro in small, before-they-were-famous roles. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090863/

 

The Hustler (1961)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #4 (Please click the link to read my review of Poolhall Junkies)

Synopsis:  Lowlife alpha males think with their sticks.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "The masterpiece that propelled Newman to stardom!"

What Did I Learn?: It's easy to pick up alcoholic chicks at the bus station.

You Might Like This Movie If: You dig this groovy song.

Really?: 1) Hold on... Fast Eddie is up $18,000, he's been playing for 25 hours straight, he can barely stand up, and yet he wants to keep playing because Minnesota Fats hasn't said "uncle"? Couldn't he just say: "I'll give you a re-match tomorrow, but I need some sleep"? Who would do that? 2) So, Fast Eddie knows the word is out on him, and Bert Gordon (George C. Scott) even warns him about hustling pool in the wrong joint, but he just HAS to humiliate those hooligans? I could understand that behaviour if Eddie is a punk kid, but I thought he had been around the block a few times.

Rating: The Hustler is generally regarded as one of Newman's best films, and it features fine performances from Piper Laurie, George C. Scott (as a very un-Pattonesque scumbag gambler), Jackie Gleason as the legendary Minnesota Fats, and Mr. Salad Dressing himself. The Hustler is a good movie, but it tends to drag in places, especially when the action focuses on the relationship between Fast Eddie his drunk girlfriend. I kept thinking: "less mush with the lush, more chats with Fats." 8.5/10 stars.    

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054997/?ref_=sr_1

The Sting (1973)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #3 (Please click the link to read my review of that other Newman/Redford collaboration)

Synopsis:  Butch and Sundance trade in their stetsons and six-shooters for fedoras and smooth-talking bullshit.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Winner of seven Academy Awards including Best Picture, The Sting is one of the most popular and critically acclaimed films of all time. Set in the 1930s, this intricate comedy caper deals wtih an ambitious small-time crook (Robert Redford) and a veteran con-man (Paul Newman) who seek revenge on the vicious crime lord (Robert Shaw) who murdered on of their gang."

What Did I Learn?: Con artists are warm, intensely loyal, and loveable scamps who spend their time taking real criminals down a peg or two.

You Might Like This Movie If: You think Newman and Redford go together like gourmet salad dressing and, um... Burger King!?!?

Really?: 1) So, Hooker (Redford’s character) has a gambling problem. This is introduced early on, and it never once becomes an issue. 2) Wait – Lonigan’s goons are looking for Hooker, and he’s never played the Big Con before, yet Gondorff (Newman) uses him to gain Lonigan’s trust? That seems really dumb, considering he could have used any number of more experienced con men.   3) I realize Lt. Snyder wants some payback, but doesn’t he have duties back in Joliet? Can he just travel to Chicago and chase down Hooker for what – a week? Maybe longer? 4) Hold on – Snyder beats up Joe Erie (a buddy of Hooker’s from Joliet) in front of all the other con artists, and nobody thinks to ask Joe what he wanted, or why he did that? 5) Holy shit, how much money do these guys spend on this con, and where did they get it? 6) So... we're supposed to believe that Salino (the assassin hired by Lonigan) kills Lonigan's goon, and wastes two days working in a shitty diner when it would have been super-easy to kill Hooker on any number of occasions? 7) Hmm... take a drink every time Hooker winds up getting chased, either by the scummy cop, or by one of Lonigan's hitmen.

Rating: The Sting is my Dad's favourite movie, so I feel the need to tread somewhat lightly in this review. Newman, Redford and Shaw ("Ya follah?") are all quite good, there are a number of memorable moments, and the story is a lot of fun. This film richly deserved its Best Picture Oscar, although I can't give it a perfect score for three reasons: a) there are a few too many "Really?" moments for my taste, b) the chase scenes get old, fast, and c) the Scott Joplin soundtrack will start to grate on you after about half an hour. Couldn't George Roy Hill have chosen some authentic music from the 1930s instead of the Joplin tunes that were released about 25 years earlier? Still, The Sting is highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070735/

Road to Perdition (2002)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #2 (Ok, this is really a Tom Hanks film, but Newman has an important role)

Synopsis:  It’s 117 minutes of Tom Hanks in dark, drippy rooms.  

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Two-time Academy Award winner Tom Hanks in 'one of his best performances' (Kenneth Turan, Los Angeles Times) stars as Michael Sullivan, a father fighting to keep his only son from travelling the Road to Perdition". [WTF? This is the dumbest write-up I've ever seen... Sullivan's family has been murdered, and he and the kid are actually on their way to Perdition. Sullivan's driving, as a matter of fact!]

What Did I Learn?: If you've just stolen thousands (possibly hundreds of thousand) of dollars from the Chicago mob, and they promise to let you live if you stop annoying them - you might want to fuck off to California, or Hawaii, or Canada, or some other faraway place, just to be on the safe side. Just saying... [Ok, this is more of a "Really?"]

You Might Like This Movie If: just like Paul Newman, you know you don't want a vengeful Tom Hanks to track you down.

Really?: 1) Come on...does Sullivan seriously think Rooney (Newman) is going to give up his son for execution? 2) Hmm... funny how a trained assassin fires his Tommy Gun at a mob boss and his 5-6 stooges, and not one of them thinks of dropping to the ground or running for cover.

Rating: Road to Perdition is grim with a capital G. It's an impressive film, with excellent performances from Hanks, Newman and Jude Law as creepy hitman Harlan Maguire, but it's also bleak and humourless, and the Connor Rooney character (Daniel Craig) is introduced, yet never fully developed; perhaps he could have accompanied Maguire on the hunt? Just a suggestion... 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0257044/

Slap Shot (1977)

Paul Newman Film Fest Movie #1

Synopsis: Harsh hockey honcho hustles hotheaded headliners, humours hopeless hamlet, harms hostile hooligans.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “This irreverent and outrageously funny look into the world of professional hockey has Paul Newman as the coach of the Chiefs, a third-rate, minor league hockey team. To build up attendance at their games, management signs up three odd-looking players whose job it is to literally attack and demolish the opposition, to the delight and cheers of the steadily increasing throng of fans.”

What Did I Learn?: Openly questioning the sexual orientation of the opposing goalie's wife is an effective means of scoring a goal or two.

You Might Like This Movie If: based on the title, you figure it must be a two-hour-long infomercial.

Really?: Slap Shot is an often-silly film, and it might not be entirely fair to judge it on this basis. That said, I had a hard time believing the Chiefs could get away with even a fraction of their violent shenanigans without winding up in prison, or at least getting suspended from the "Federal League".   

Rating: Oh dear... I have a feeling the reaction to this review is going to be a replay of those occasions when I reviewed Raiders of the Lost Ark and Gosford Park. I realize there are hockey fans out there who consider Slap Shot to be a cinematic masterpiece. Unfortunately, I've never been into the sport, so I'll be truthful and admit this isn't one of my favourites.
 
Slap Shot isn't a bad movie, but it often doesn't seem to know if it's supposed to be clever satire or a dopey comedy for sugared-up rugrats. Newman is great as a world-weary player/coach who does his best to play a losing hand, and the film takes an unsentimental, cynical look at minor league hockey. That said, Slap Shot is marred by some very juvenile and low-brow humour, and there are more than a few occasions when it becomes difficult to like Newman's character. 6.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076723/

Queens Logic (1991)

Synopsis: Imagine a warm, funny, well-written character-driven comedy-drama featuring four knuckleheads channeling Tony Danza from Who's the Boss?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “This wonderful, romantic comedy, reminiscent of The Big Chill, takes a warm and hilarious look at friendship, loyalty and love.” [Really - The Big Chill? Interestingly, that's also how the studios marketed Smoke.]

What Did I Learn?: Guys, if you're extremely late for your wedding anniversary dinner, you can't walk through the door, all smiles and chuckles, and pretend that everything's ok.

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to understand the logic of Queen's.

Really?: 1) It's heartwarming and lovely that this collection of macho, blue-collar Italian-American New York guys would enjoy a friendship with a salt-of-the-earth gay man (John Malkovich). Heartwarming and lovely, but somewhat unlikely. 2) Is it just me, or are Dennis (Kevin Bacon) and Vinny (Tony Spiridakis) pretty much the same character? It seems to me that one of them could have been written out of the script.

Rating: Queens Logic is a quirky, yet sadly-forgotten little film from the early 1990s. Joe Montegna provides a fine performance as the larger-than-life Al, while Jamie Lee Curtis makes a memorable cameo appearance as a chick who isn't entirely right in the head, and Malkovich nearly steals the movie with a scene near the end when he tells off his snobby boyfriend. The film has its problems - it takes awhile to get started, Dennis and Vinny are basically the same character, and the swimming pool scene doesn't exactly work, but Queens Logic is worth a viewing. 7.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102741/

"ffolkes" (aka North Sea Hijack) (1979)

Not Quite a James Bond Movie

Synopsis: It's just like a James Bond movie, except that 007 is a grumpy, cat-loving, bearded misanthrope who does needlepoint in his spare time.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Rufus Excalibur ffolkes is an eccentric underwater saboteur who can’t stand women but who loves cats. Lou Kramer is a psychotic madman who’s determined to blow up the largest oil rig in the North Sea unless the British Government pays him a king’s ransom.”

What Did I Learn?: A vermillion wetsuit is a bit of a liability during a nighttime underwater commando mission.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy watching Roger Moore get some *AHEM* pussy.

Really?: 1) Funny how none of the villains are the slightest bit afraid of getting blown to smithereens, even though they're criminals, and not terrorists. 2) I realize ffolkes is supposed to be a misogynistic asshole, but I had a bit of trouble believing he would speak that way to a female Prime Minister, or that she wouldn't simply hang up the phone on him and call in the Americans. 3) It's a good thing Anthony Perkins doesn't push that button, just for shits and giggles, isn't it?

Rating: "ffolkes" is a very offbeat thriller, featuring Roger Moore playing against type, James Mason as a stuffy British admiral, and a nice performance from Anthony Perkins as the psycho (sic) leader of an organized crime ring. "ffolkes" is a bit slow to get going and quite low-budget, but it's a well-written, and often funny little film. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081809/

Gold (1974)

Not Quite a James Bond Movie

Synopsis: It's just like a James Bond movie, except that 007 has a shitty middle-management gig in the natural resources sector, and he never shoots anyone.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "A tough mining foreman, Roger Moore, is manipulated by a group of unscrupulous financiers who want to flood the mine to raise the price of gold on the world market."

What Did I Learn?: If you think there's a chance you can sweet-talk your boss' wife into bed, you might want to first clean up the empty champagne bottle and other detritus from your casual encounter with another chick the previous night.

You Might Like This Movie If: You have an unhealthy obsession with gold.

Really?: 1) It takes a very cosmopolitan villain to use his own wife as a means of distracting the hero. 2) Gee...Steyner and his accomplice meet a rather convenient end, don't they? 3) Hmm...so, Steyner promotes Slater to General Manager, and Slater then proceeds to hit on Mrs. Steyner? Great idea, 007.  

Rating: Gold is a dated, and somewhat forgettable thriller from the mid-1970s. While it's fun to watch Roger Moore play Bond without actually playing Bond, the script meanders when it focuses on Slater's relationship with Steyner's wife, and most disappointingly,  Slater never uncovers the secret plot, and never realizes until the end that he's being used. The script should have included a lot more detective work, and a lot less romance in the bush. 5.5/10 stars.

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071566/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2

The Matador (2005)

Not Quite a James Bond Movie (I don’t like any of the Pierce Brosnan 007 films, so I won’t be reviewing them – ever. That said, I think Brosnan is a talented actor, and he’s great in The Matador. I wish he could have played Bond a bit more like the way he portrays Julian).

Synopsis:  It's a bit like Grosse Point Blank, except that Martin - the assassin-with-a-heart-of-gold - meets Barney Rubble instead of Minnie Driver.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: "Lonely hit man Julian (Pierce Brosnan in a Golden Globe - nominated performance) and struggling salesman Danny Wright (Oscar nominee Greg Kinnear) form an unexpectred bond during a chance meeting in a Mexican bar."

What Did I Learn?: 1) According to the main character, two things taste better in Mexico: margaritas and cock. 2) Killing people can be a good time.

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wondered why Catholic countries aren't any fun.

Really?: 1) Danny seems surprisingly eager/willing to help out Julian near the end of the movie, yet he doesn't seem to need any reassurance that the target is a bad guy, rather than just another corporate victim. 2) Wouldn't Julian's agency realize that burnout is common among assassins and plan for it?

Rating: The Matador is a funny, clever, character-driven, and very well-written black comedy about friendship. Greg Kinnear and Hope Davis are both quite good, but Brosnan provides a tour-de-force performance as the scummy-yet-strangely likeable Julian. I'm not sure I entirely bought Danny's willingness to assist in the assassination of a fellow human being, so I can't give this film a perfect score, but it is highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365485/?ref_=sr_1

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Connery-Lazenby James Bond Movie #8

Synopsis: It's like an Austin Powers movie, except that it's only unintentionally funny.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A gem of a spy-thriller!”

What Did I Learn?: If you've somehow managed to knock out James Bond, don't try to set up an elaborate death trap for when he wakes up... just shoot him in the back of the head.

You Might Like This Movie If: you really want to see the worst entry in the 007 franchise before some genius created the animated series.

Really?: 1) Blofeld in drag...oh dear. 2) So wait - we know that Bond is a tough guy - he beats up a martial arts expert in the first few seconds, yet he has zero offense when he encounters Bambi and Thumper? 3) Hold on - Bond simply shows up at the offshore oil rig, alone and in broad daylight, expecting an opportunity to switch cassette tapes? And why does he even need to do that when it becomes obvious the US Government can simply blow up the platform? 4) Bond never fires his gun...not once. 5) Why is there a mock-up of the moon landing? Is somebody playfully suggesting the entire Neil Armstrong scene was a con job on the American public? 6) Did I miss something...why did the villains need Shady Tree's involvement in the diamond plot? What did he do, exactly? 7) Why would Plenty O'Toole look for Tiffany Case? As far as I could tell, she hooked up with Bond in the casino, and her involvement should have ended after the gangsters threw her into the pool. 8) So, Wint and Kidd leave Bond unconscious in a section of tubing, and the none of the construction workers on duty notice a sleeping man wearing a tuxedo?

Rating: Tacky, campy, low-budget and awful are adjectives I would use to describe Diamonds Are Forever. While the film has a few decent moments, including a great fight scene between Bond and career criminal Peter Franks, this is definitely one of the low points in the 007 franchise, and the explosive finale aboard the oil rig is absolutely atrocious. Interestingly, Sean Connery looks significantly older than he did in You Only Live Twice, and you can tell he did Diamonds strictly for the paycheque. I cannot recommend this movie. 3.5/10 stars.

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Take a drink any time you discover a plot hole.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097742/

Licence to Kill (1989)

Moore-Dalton James Bond Movie #8 (Hmm...this would have worked for the "Revenge" theme I did, late last year).

Synopsis: Look out, powder-pushers - somebody's grumpy, and it ain't Sonny Crockett!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "When Bond wants revenge, nothing stands in his way. Not even Her Majesty's Secret Service!"

What Did I Learn?: You can't hit anything with either an Uzi submachine gun, or a stinger missile at near-point-blank range.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that cocaine is bad news - and you want to see somebody famous get really angry.

Really?: 1) Ooh...a shark tank! Hey, hey, didn't we see one of those in Thunderball, You Only Live Twice (albeit with piranhas), Live and Let Die, The Spy Who Loved Me, and For Your Eyes Only? 2) So wait - Sanchez escapes in broad daylight, the same day that Felix ties the knot, and...nobody informs him about it? Wouldn't a daring escape like that be front-page news? 3) Wow...Felix is awfully chipper at the end of the movie, considering his legs were eaten by a shark and his wife is dead. 4) So wait - Bond is a rogue agent, and yet Q shows up with a bag of goodies? 4b) Funny how Bond loses his license to kill, and yet...nothing is ever done with that plot point. 5) So, what exactly is the deal Sanchez proposes to the Asian drug lords... is he just selling them large quantities of cocaine? That's never really made clear.

Rating: Licence to Kill isn't nearly as awful as I remember it to have been (how's that for high praise?), but it certainly isn't one of the better Bond movies, either. While some sort of correction was in order after the Roger Moore years, Licence is pretty much humourless (Wayne Newton's appearance as a new-age televangelist isn't funny - just dumb), and chock-full of brutal violence. In spite of this the movie strangely looks and feels like it was made for TV, with cheap-looking sets and dull action sequences. I cannot recommend this movie. 5/10 stars.

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Take a drink every time Bond instructs Pam and Q to leave town, and neither of them take his advice.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097742/

The Living Daylights (1987)

Moore-Dalton James Bond Movie #7

Synopsis: James Bond single-handedly ends the Cold War by, um... helping out the Taliban?!?!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “There’s a new James Bond.  He’s handsome, softspoken, Timothy Dalton, and he’s absolutely fantastic! As agent 007, he picks his way through a maze of death, deceit and treachery that stretches from the Rock of Gibraltar to the wilds of Afghanistan. ”

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, a cello case makes an excellent toboggan...why, it's so fast you can even outrun snowmobiles and professional skiers.

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to return to that golden year of entertainment, 1987.

Really?: 1) Wasn't Bond awarded the Order of Lenin in A View to a Kill? Mightn't he have mentioned that after getting arrested by Soviet troops? 2) So, there are good Soviet officials, like General Gogol, and General Pushkin, and bad Soviets like General Koskov, and the entire Russian army in Afghanistan...I'm not sure I get the distinction. 3) I'm pretty sure that Connery's Bond would never go back for the cello. 4) So, the Afghan Mujahedeen had bottles of Russian vodka laying around, and didn't object to Western women walking around their camp without a head-covering? 5) Hmm... so, Whitaker and Koskov decide to kill another British agent, and they just happen to pick Saunders in Vienna, at just the same time Bond is visiting with him? That's a coinky-dink.

Rating: I hadn't seen The Living Daylights for a number of years, so I had forgotten that it's one of the better Bond films. Timothy Dalton is decent in his first outing as 007, the special effects and action sequences are legitimately exciting, and he enjoys some noticeable chemistry with Maryam d'Abo as Kara. The Living Daylights is a good movie that's marred by a few problems: 1) assisting the Mujahedeen made sense in 1987, but it seems like a hopelessly dated idea in our post 9/11 world, 2) we're never entirely sure what the villains want (they're gun-runners...no, they're drug-smugglers...no, they want the British Secret Service to assassinate the head of the KGB), and 3) the ending is really lackluster. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093428/

A View to a Kill (1985)

Moore-Dalton James Bond Movie #6 (Yes, I know that Octopussy should be the next in line. Alas, my VHS copy of that film is toast. I will attempt to review it at some point in the future)

Synopsis: Elderly British spy gets raped by Grace Jones. [Oh Roger, why did you agree to make this movie?]

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Agent 007 must save millions of lives in this crackling dynamo of an adventure, jam-packed with the most spectacular action sequences ever filmed, With wit, elegance and style, Roger Moore lends lethal charm to his final performance as James Bond.”

What Did I Learn?: If you're planning a major caper, you might want to put off machine-gunning all of your co-conspirators until after it goes off without a hitch.

You Might Like This Movie If: You have a thing for gadgets...and getting man-handled by scary-looking chicks.

Really?: 1) Wow...for a billionaire who should know better, Zorin seems to do a lot of his own dirty-work. And he sure has a knack for showing up at just the right time. 2) So wait, the horsey-set stuff at the beginning has nothing to do with the main plot - which seems suspiciously like a remake of Goldfinger, by the way. 3) Hmm... the KGB gives up rather easily, doesn't it? 4) Somebody actually wrote the following lines: May Day: 'Wow! What a view!', Zorin: 'To a kill!' 5) So, is it possible to drive the front-end of a car after it's been severed from its rear? That seems a wee bit implausible. 6) Did I miss something - does Bond ever once re-load that shotgun? 7) Hold on - May Day (Jones) is standing next to Sir Godfrey's car one minute, and she somehow disappears the next. Wouldn't any normal person look INSIDE THE CAR?

Rating: Roger Moore has said that A View to a Kill was his least favourite Bond movie; he didn't like the gratuitous violence of Zorin (Christopher Walken) shooting his own men, and he didn't get along well with Jones. Everything about this film is wrong, starting with the ill-considered use of a Beach Boys song during a ski chase. Moore does his best with the terrible dialogue, but at 57, he's too damned old to be swigging vodka martinis, bedding 25-year old girls and jumping around the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, and Tanya Roberts is just awful as Moore's far-too-young love interest. Still, kudos to Walken for a nice performance, and to Duran Duran for a kick-ass opening theme song. 4.5/10 stars.

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Take a drink every time Tanya Roberts screams, or finds herself hanging from a ledge.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090264/

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Moore-Dalton James Bond Movie #5

Synopsis: It's the sequel to Moonraker and The Spy Who Loved Me, except there aren't any: laser gun fights, invisible space stations, underwater fortresses, cars that turn into submarines, gondolas that turn into hovercrafts, or insane billionaires who wish to kill everybody and re-populate the world.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “James Bond is thrust into one of his most riveting adventures in this jam-packed free-for-all of outrageous stunts, passionate encounters and exciting confrontations.  In perhaps the best performance of his career, Roger Moore portrays Agent 007 with lethal determination.”

What Did I Learn?: A guy on skis can easily out-run a couple of speeding motorcycles when careening down a snowy mountain.

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Roger Moore star in a Sean Connery-style Bond film.

Really?: 1) That's how Blofeld meets his end? Sad... 2) The bad guy has a warehouse in Albania? Wasn't that country governed by a fanatical bunch of communists in 1981? 3) Wow...Melina's Citroen rolls over what - 30 times, and it keeps going. 4) I had a little trouble believing Bibi (Lynn-Holly Johnson) would fall head-over-heels for Roger Moore's Bond, who was about 53 at the time. 5) So, why wouldn't General Gogol shoot Bond after he throws the ATAC off the mountain? I would imagine he might be a bit pissed off about that. 6) The villain attempts to murder Bond and Melina with sharks...hey, that's original!

Rating: For Your Eyes Only is one of my favourite Bond movies, as it is very much a back-to-basics reaction to the silliness of Moonraker. The storyline is believable (or at least plausible), Carole Bouquet's Melina is a valuable partner for 007, the gadgets are kept to a minimum, and there's even some mystery: the audience doesn't even know the identity of the villain until well into the picture. While I've never been crazy about Sheena Easton's title song, Bill Conti keeps things moving with some excellent instrumental music (Runaway and Cortina are noteworthy). Highly recommended. 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082398/?ref_=sr_1

Moonraker (1979)

Moore-Dalton James Bond Movie #4

Synopsis: It's The Spy Who Loved Me with lasers and shit.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “In a decade when movie fans packed theatres to see hits like Star Wars, it seemed only natural that the world’s foremost Special Agent should also blast into space. Moonraker took James Bond beyond the stratosphere, breaking the all-time box office record for a Bond movie.” [Wow...so, even the marketing materials admit this movie was made just to cash in on the Star Wars craze.]

What Did I Learn?: Even 7-foot-tall professional killers with razor-sharp metallic teeth can have feelings, too.

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to sit back, relax, and take in a late-1970s Star Wars rip-off.

Really?: Oh God, where do I begin? I realize the Bond films are supposed to be escapist fun, so maybe I can overlook "Holly Goodhead", or a Venetian gondola that transforms into a hovercraft, but a multinational corporation building a space station without the superpowers knowing about it, or a laser-blaster space battle in 1979?

Rating: While the stunts and special effects are certainly impressive, I've never liked Moonraker. For me, this movie has always been the epitome of everything that went wrong with the Bond franchise: too many gadgets, dopey humour, and ridiculously unbelievable criminal conspiracies. Moonraker is an uncreative rip-off of The Spy Who Loved Me (which is itself a remake of You Only Live Twice, but never mind), right down to the inclusion of Jaws, and the obligatory scene of slack-jawed yokels staring in disbelief as Bond drives his amphibious vehicle from water to land. TSWLM had some great chemistry between Roger Moore and Barbara Bach, yet Lois Chiles provides a wooden performance. Moreover, the plot - such as it is - seems more like an excuse to string a series of action sequences together than an actual story. Sorry, but I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Take a drink every time Bond jumps to a conclusion based on minimal evidence and his hunch pays off.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079574/