The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Star Wars Movie #2 (Please click the link to read my review of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)

May the 4th be with you!

Synopsis: How Vader Got His Groove Back.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "The Battle continues..."

What Did I Learn?: 1) Princess Leia is not a committee. 2) Admiral Ozzel is as clumsy as he is stupid. 3) The possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1. 4) Wars not make one great. 5) There is no “try”. 6) There is no “why”, either. 7) Darth Vader is Luke’s... now what was that big revelation, again?

You Might Like This Movie If: You think Billy Dee Williams is the coolest guy on the planet - any planet!

Really?: 1) So wait – Chewbacca starts pushing stormtroopers off the carbon-freezing platform and Vader prevents Boba Fett from shooting him? Come on... 2) Um...just how much time does Luke spend on Dagobah - a few days? I find it difficult to believe he could receive very much Jedi training from Yoda. 3) Hold on... Boba Fett is this amazing, scary bounty hunter with a zillion different weapons and then...he doesn’t really do anything? 4) Am I the only one who thinks Yoda sounds more than a bit like Grover?

Rating: The Empire Strikes Back is both a timeless classic, and easily the best of the six Star Wars films. Empire has it all: comedy, action, suspense, incredible music, and even a nice touch of romance (Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford obviously developed some better chemistry in the three years since Star Wars). And yes, even 33 years after watching Empire for the first time, I still get bummed out at the point when Han Solo is frozen in carbonite. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080684/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2

Star Wars (1977)

Star Wars Movie #1 (Yes, I realize Star Wars is officially Episode IV, A New Hope – I’m going chronologically by release date. You may also note that this is the original version of the film; I’ve seen the tacky CGI effects George Lucas added to later releases of the first trilogy, and I'll just say that I’m not terribly impressed. Oh, and don’t even get me started on that atrocious Greedo-shoots-first bullshit)

Please click the link to read my review of Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Synopsis: Old fart, eager farmboy, effeminate robot, precocious trashcan, giant furball and amoral douchebag rescue yappy ball-buster from stylishly-dressed asshole with anger issues.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "STAR WARS is an elaborately-spectacular film that represents the ultimate in cinematic entertainment."

What Did I Learn?: 1) The Tosche station is a great place to pick up some power converters. 2) Travelling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops. 3) Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them.

You Might Like This Movie If: You really, really love that famous Star Wars theme, and firmly believe John Williams should have added some lyrics.

Really?: 1) I realize Star Wars takes place a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, but it’s interesting how everything seems to happen at just the right time: a) just as Luke gets concerned that R2-D2 has lost Leia’s message, his aunt calls him; b) the Falcon gets to Alderaan just after it has been blown to pieces, and guess what – the Death Star (with the Princess on board) is in the neighbourhood; c) the Death Star is the size of a “small moon”, and yet everyone has reassembled in the docking area and boards the Falcon at just the right time. 2) Ok, the Mos Eisley cantina is a rough place, but come on: two unrelated killings in the course of what – five minutes? Who the fuck would ever drink there? 3) Wait – does Tarkin have the Emperor’s authority to just blow up Alderaan? Don’t they pay taxes? Wouldn’t that hurt the Imperial economy? 4) Wow...the Rebels don't need a long time to analyze the Death Star plans to figure out its weak spot, do they? And that's fortunate, because the Death Star is closing in, fast! 5) Ok, Luke was instrumental in rescuing the Princess, but has he ever flown an X-Wing Fighter before? Would the Rebels just allow him to use one of theirs? 6) It's a good thing the Imperial gunners don't decide to blow up that escape pod, or there wouldn't be much of a movie.

Rating: Much like The Breakfast Club, Star Wars is such an iconic movie from my childhood that it's difficult to review it objectively; for years, I avoided the Star Wars trilogy like a plague because my brother and I had seen these films so many times we could recite dialogue, almost word-for word.

Looking at the film through somewhat fresh eyes, I can say that the magic is still there, and Star Wars is a fun adventure. That said, the dialogue is mostly God-awful, some of the acting seems wooden (an example would be a scene between Han and Leia in the Falcon after they have evaded the TIE fighters), and I had a bit of trouble believing everything could be so perfectly timed (see "Really?"). At the risk of offending my brother Joel, my friend Ed Stanley, and my friend and co-worker Gisele, I'm going to give Star Wars 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077372/

Corvette Summer (1978)

Return of the Jedi was released 30 years ago this month, and I’m reviewing a Mark Hamill movie... could it be that Schuster at the Movies is finally getting around to reviewing the you-know-what trilogy?

(A bit of useless trivia: this film features both Annie Potts and the late Eugene Roche, who respectively played recurring characters Tracy Spencer and Luther H. Gillis on Magnum PI. Both of them drove Tom Selleck’s famous detective a little bit batty every time they showed up)

Synopsis: It’s 105 minutes of Luke Skywalker chasing a hideously-ugly sports car around late 1970s Las Vegas.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Mark Hamill and a red 'vette - a hot star and a hot car!"

What Did I Learn?: It’s difficult to apologize to your new co-worker for attacking him with a heavy chain the night before and somehow make it sound sincere.

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Mark Hamill's early work. [Holy crap - it's The Cos!]

Really?: 1) A Right-hand drive? Why in the world would anyone in North America build a right-hand drive sports car? 2) The hooker with a heart of gold... is there a reason why Vanessa (Potts) is so darned nice to Ken (Hamill), even to the point of insisting he sleep with her? Come to think of it, is there a reason he resists her charms, at first? 3) Wait – gas station dude knows Ken is sleeping in a U-Haul on his lot, and doesn’t kick him out? 4) Was it easy to get a job in late-70s Vegas without references?

Rating: If you were a teenager in the summer of 1978 (I was six, and more into The Muppet Show), you might appreciate Corvette Summer, but it’s about as dopey as an episode of Welcome Back Kotter, and I can’t say that it’s a particularly good movie. Sure, Corvette Summer has its moments (including a pretty good chase scene near the end), and Potts and Hamill enjoy some nice chemistry (even if Hamill has a tendency to over-act, and his character often seems like a weirdo), but one viewing is enough for me. I cannot recommend this movie. 5/10 stars.

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Maybe. Interestingly, a few scenes sort of mirror, or foreshadow a number of Luke Skywalker moments from the Star Wars movies, including a very brief flirtation with the Dark Side.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077372/

The French Connection II (1975)

Synopsis: It’s basically Black Rain (or Beverly Hills Cop... or Coogan’s Bluff... or Red Heat... or Crocodile Dundee II, or Brannigan, or...) with French accents.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Gene Hackman reprises his Oscar-winning role as Popeye Doyle, the hard-nosed New York detective determined to break a French narcotics ring. Kidnapped by heroin kingpin Alain Charnier (Fernando Rey) in Marseilles, Doyle is mercilessly forced to become a junkie himself."

What Did I Learn?: The South of France is a dangerous, drug-infested hellhole – stay away!

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to see a tough, New York cop slowly kill himself by ingesting garbage.

Really?: 1) So wait – Doyle torches a building, and then beats the crap out of a suspect, and he doesn’t face criminal charges? (I don’t like to give away spoilers, so I’m not going to mention a similar event right at the end of the film). 2) I realize Doyle’s superiors are setting him up (it’s never made entirely clear if they’re trying to get him killed, or just using him to flush out Charnier), but how in the world can they send him on a paid, open-ended assignment in Marseilles when New York was in the midst of a budget crisis in the mid-1970s? 3) Up until Doyle's capture, he's done absolutely zero damage to Charnier's drug empire in Marseilles; I had a bit of a hard time believing they would feel the need to take him prisoner and turn him into a smackhead. And why return Doyle to the police when they could put a bullet in his head and dump him into the harbour?

Rating: The French Connection II is a good film that doesn’t exactly compare with the far-superior original. While Hackman displays some incredible acting talent (especially when Doyle is forced to quit heroin, cold turkey), the film could have used Roy Scheider’s Buddy Russo character, and I didn’t exactly buy the basic premise of the movie (see "Really?"). I also found myself asking the same question I asked during Robin and Marian: do I really want to see this? Do I really want to see a tough New York cop reduced to a sobbing, pathetic junkie for about half an hour? The French Connection is a compelling police procedural that evokes a long-gone time and place; in contrast, The French Connection II looks and feels like an enjoyable, but somewhat unnecessary sequel. 7/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073018/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

The French Connection (1971)

(I didn't set out to do a Gene Hackman film fest - it just sort-of happened that way)

Synopsis: It's basically 104 minutes of extremely tired cops sitting around on stakeouts, waiting for something to happen.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "New York detective 'Popeye' Doyle (Gene Hackman) and Buddy Russo (Roy Scheider) hope to break a narcotics smuggling ring and ultimately uncover The French Connection."

What Did I Learn?: If you're going to search a car for drugs, start with the rocker panels first.

You Might Like This Movie If: You think Gene Hackman and Ed O'Neill from Married With Children are pretty much inter-changeable.

Really?: 1) Holy shit, doesn’t anyone in this movie ever sleep? 2) I had a great deal of trouble believing “Popeye” Doyle could run all the way up to the top of his apartment building, see the sniper running away from him at ground level, and then not only manage to catch up to him, but continue the chase, even though he must be completely exhausted at that point. 3) Um...is it possible to rip a Buick to shreds, and then somehow put it back together in a few hours, good as new?

Rating: The French Connection is a gripping and gritty police procedural featuring an outstanding performance from Hackman as “Popeye” Doyle. While the film is best remembered for a spectacular car-and-subway chase, my favourite element of The French Connection is that it’s possible to get a sense of the look and feel of New York city in the early 1970s from so many on-location shots. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067116/

 

Heist (2001)

Synopsis: The title is “Heist”. What do YOU think this movie’s about?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Getting the goods? Easy. Getting away after the robbery? Veteran thief Joe Moore knows that's always the hard part. But he soon discovers that getting away from a life of crime is the hardest escape of all."

What Did I Learn?: 1) If you’ve just ripped off some gangsters, and you have a plane ticket to the  Caribbean in your hot little hand, GO! Don’t wait a few hours to walk your niece to the school bus. 2) Apparently, among thieves, the word “lame” is often used as a noun.

You Might Like This Movie If: you're in the mood for a Heist. A thick, meaty, juicy, delicious Heist.

Really?: Wow.... Joe Moore (Hackman) knows about boats, jets, explosives, metal smelting, and he’s a natural-born actor, and he can kick the crap out of a much-younger man in a fistfight. Is there anything this guy can’t do? 2) Funny how the cops get a clear video of Joe’s face during a robbery and then... this plot point is pretty much dropped soon afterward. 3) Can somebody really walk, let alone fight (albeit with a gun, not fists) after being shot in the leg?

Rating: Heist is an enjoyable-yet-forgettable crime thriller. There are plenty of twists and turns in this movie, and David Mamet does a decent job with the dialogue (I love the exchange: “Don’t you want to hear my last words?”, “I just did”), but the third act is *ahem* lame, and it’s tough to give a shit about any of these characters. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0252503/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Way of the Gun (2000)

Synopsis: Cutthroat criminals capture confused kid-carrier, kill crooked custodians. [and they’re the good guys, by the way!!]

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “From the Oscar-winning screenwriter of The Usual Suspects, this wickedly off-beat mix of crime, comedy and gunplay stars Ryan Phillippe and Benicio Del Toro.”

What Did I Learn?: Not much, but this film has some memorable quotations: 1) A pint of your blood can fetch you fifty bucks. A shot of cum, three grand. 2) Karma's justice without the satisfaction.3) a plan is just a list of things that don't happen. 4) A woman needs security like a man needs approval.4) Fifteen million dollars is not money. It's a motive with a universal adaptor on it. 5) There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.6) The only thing you can guess about a broken down old man is that he is a survivor.

You Might Like This Movie If: You figure it must be a sequel to Way of the Exploding Fist.

Really?: 1) Hold on – Jeffers and Obecks (Taye Diggs and Nicky Katt) demonstrate such fanatical loyalty to their employer that they refuse to lower their guns when the protagonists have the drop on them...and yet they’re willing to rip him off and commit cold-blooded murder later on? That doesn’t compute. 2) Exactly how far away is that Mexican motel from the Chiddick mansion in LA? At times, it seems like it’s a long drive; at other times, not so much. 3) So wait...do Parker and Longbaugh (Ryan Phillippe and Benicio Del Toro) do a face-turn at the end, or what? Why do they follow Jeffers’ car from the motel if they were planning on giving up on the kidnapping scheme, anyway?

Rating: As much as I generally like James Caan, even he can’t save Way of the Gun from a number of problems, the biggest being that the film is populated with unlikeable scumbags, and even the protagonists are vicious, sociopathic brutes. Frankly, it’s impossible to root for anyone in the last half hour or so, and the final shootout just seems pointless. I cannot recommend this movie. 5/10 stars.

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Maybe.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0202677/?ref_=sr_1

Love and a .45 (1994)

Quentin Tarantino Rip-Off Movie (Please click the link to read my review of another obvious QT rip-off, For a Few Lousy Dollars)

Synopsis: It’s the Southern-fried cinematic turd Renée Zelweger doesn’t put on her CV.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "In the tradition of 'Pulp Fiction', 'True Romance' and 'Reservoir Dogs', LOVE AND A .45 is a cutting edget story of two fugitive lovers on a fast and furious run for freedom. With a pounding soundtrack and brilliant performances from a sexy young cast, this raw and turbulent film shows the talents of a new force in filmmaking."

What Did I Learn?: 1) if your girlfriend vows that she would follow you all the way to Oklahoma, she’s a keeper. 2) There are only two things you need to get by on Planet Earth: love, and a .45.

You Might Like This Movie If: You're ready for some .45 calibre fun!

Really?: 1) So wait, Watty and Starlene are wanted by the cops for murder, and they take the time get married by a Justice of the Peace? Aside from leaving clues about their presence, and where they’re going, isn’t it up to the judge to file their request? And why would he do that after Watty and Starlene bound and gag him afterwards? 2) Isn’t Watty taking a huge risk by tempting the convenience store clerk with a loaded firearm? 3) I had a bit  of trouble believing Dinosaur Bob and Creepy Cody could torture Billy Mack Black with a tattoo gun, and he would then willingly join their search for Watty after they shoot him up with drugs. 4) I’m still shaking my that scene in the diner when Watty disarms Billy Mack and stabs him in the neck with a fork.

Rating: Everything about Love and a .45 is atrocious: the acting, dialogue, storyline and action scenes are all sub-par and unwatchable. In fact, I gave up after an hour or so of self-imposed torture. I cannot recommend this movie. 2/10 stars.

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night? Absolutely! There’s actually a scene when Dinosaur Bob sniffs Watty’s hand to determine if he’s been, um...enjoying conjugal relations with a lady. Come on – if that isn't crowd-pleasing comedic gold, what is?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110395/?ref_=sr_1

Jackie Brown (1997)

Quentin Tarantino Film Fest Movie #4

Synopsis: Sexy stewardess seduces surety sponsor, scams sidearm salesman, sidesteps scuzzy sleuths.


Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Pulp Fiction director Quentin Tarantino ignites the screeen with a sizzling all-star cast that's sure to please! ... Combining an explosive mix of intense action and edgy humor, Tarantino scores again with the entertaining Jackie Brown!"

What Did I Learn?: 1) A good cop will never let you know he knows you’re full of shit. 2) Back in 1995, it was possible to have your own apartment in L.A. while earning the princely sum of $16,000 a year. 3) The AK-47 is “the very best [firearm] there is…. when you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room.”

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch anything involving a protagonist named "Jackie".

Really?: 1) If his plan is to open the trunk and kill Beaumont, why in the world would Ordell give him a shotgun to hold in the meantime? 2) I realize Louis isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I had a great deal of trouble believing he would shoot Melanie in a crowded parking lot simply because she likes to nag…or that Ordell would shoot Louis when the latter is driving on a city street! 2) Melanie and Simone are quite attractive, and I can see why Ordell would provide each of them with their own place, but Sheronda? Yeesh...  

Rating: Jackie Brown is one of the only Quentin Tarantino films that’s based on a pre-existing script, and it shows: the movie is enjoyable, but clearly doesn’t have either the panache or the snappy dialogue of Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs. Pam Grier and Samuel  L. Jackson are quite good as Jackie and Ordell (Robert Forster is ok as Max Cherry, while De Niro does his best with a limited part), but the movie drags in places and never really gets going – it’s all atmosphere, and an endless series of forgettable meetings. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119396/

True Romance (1993)

Quentin Tarantino Film Fest Movie #3

Synopsis: Loveable loser and hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold find happiness by selling $500,000 worth of stolen cocaine. Holy shit – it’s Atlantic City with sunshine and younger actors!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Stealing. Cheating. Killing. Who says romance is dead?"

What Did I Learn?: 1) Every pimp in the world ends up getting shot, and the cops don’t give a crap. 2) A man has 17 facial expressions that reveal he’s lying, while a woman has 20.

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to know how to negotiate a big-time drug deal.

Really?: 1) Even if I had just committed a double-murder and I needed to get the fuck out of Dodge, lickity-split, I’m pretty sure I would remember to pick up my wallet. 2) Related point: doesn’t Clarence (Christian Slater) realize he’s left his wallet and driver's license behind? I’m not sure it’s a great idea for him to visit his old man, let alone leave him a forwarding address in California. 3) You know, for a nerdy guy who spent most of his adult life working in a comic book shop, Clarence is a pretty tough customer. 4) Wow...neither Clarence nor Alabama (Patricia Arquette) seem terribly troubled about killing people or selling a fortune in drugs. 5) Wouldn’t Vincenzo (Christopher Walken) realize Clifford (Dennis Hopper) is obviously baiting him to take out his gun and kill him so Clifford doesn’t have to betray Clarence under torture? 6) So, Samuel L. Jackson is in this movie for what...three seconds?

Rating: I have slightly mixed feelings about True Romance. Slater and Arquette share some undeniable on-screen chemistry, and the movie provides some genuine laughs and thrills before it ends in a spectacular three-way shootout between the mob, the police and Lee Donowitz's hired goons. Unfortunately, the fun, road-picture feeling of True Romance is on several occasions marred by some extremely brutal violence, and I had a LOT of trouble buying Clarence's transformation from nerdy comic store geek into some tough guy who knows the ins and outs of setting up a major cocaine deal. True Romance was based on a very early Tarantino script, so it's interesting to hear phrases and lines of dialogue that made it into his other films; heck, Clarence and Alabama seem an awful lot like Ringo and Yolanda from Pulp Fiction.  8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108399/?ref_=ttqt_qt_tt

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Quentin Tarantino Film Fest Movie #2

Synopsis: It’s a three-ring circus of murderous-yet-highly-quotable lowlifes!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Cricics and audiences worldwide hailed Pulp Fiction as the star-studded motion picture of the year!"

What Did I Learn?: 1) If you’re going to shoot a lot of heroin at home, it’s a good idea to keep a syringe of adrenaline, AND a medical book handy, and in the same place. 2) In Paris, a Quarter Pounder is better known as a Royale With Cheese. 3) It’s not a good idea to keep heroin in a baggie if the woman you’re dating has a thing for cocaine.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that great dialogue can be spoken by anyone and sound good.

Really?: 1) Wow...Butch (Bruce Willis) has no trouble at all escaping from those perverts, even though he's bound and tied to a chair, does he? 2) I’m shocked that Vincent (John Travolta) and Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) are afraid of getting stopped by the cops for driving a blood-soaked car... the cops never once show up in this entire movie! 3) For a guy who’s married to a black woman, I’m surprised Jimmy (Tarantino) employs the “n-word” as often as he does. 4) Doesn’t Mia (Uma Thurman) have any girlfriends? Why in the world would Marsellus ask Vincent to take her out on a date?

Rating: Pulp Fiction is undoubtedly one of the very best films from the ‘90s; it’s smart, funny, very well-acted and quite memorable. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110912/?ref_=sr_1

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Tarantino Film Fest Movie #1 (While I’m not a fan of QT’s later films – Kill Bill, Django Unchained, Inglorious Basterds, etc... I DO like his early stuff, when he concentrated on snappy dialogue and clever storytelling.)

Synopsis: Well-dressed hoodlums conduct impromptu post-mortem/team-building exercise after failing to meet established goals.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “They were perfect strangers, assembled to pull off the perfect crime. Then their simple robbery explodes into a bloody ambush, and the ruthless killers realize one of them is a police informer. But which one?”

What Did I Learn?: It’s not a great idea to pull a jewelry store heist with a psychopath. 2) Waitressing is the Number One job for non-college educated women in America. 3) Armed robbers have about four minutes between the time an alarm gets tripped and the time the cops show up.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that great dialogue can be spoken by anyone and sound good.

Really?: 1) Is there a reason why these guys are all wearing identical black suits, white shirts and black ties? 2) Hold on – the cops are stationed less than a block away from the hideout, and they do nothing after they hear shots fired, and they know one of their guys is undercover? No way.

Rating: If there’s a quintessential “guy” movie, it would be Reservoir Dogs. The film is well-written, and jam-packed with suspenseful action and fine performances; Harvey Keitel and Steve Buscemi especially stand out. Reservoir Dogs isn’t always an easy movie to watch (thanks to Michael Madsen, I’ll always associate Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle” with brutal torture), but it is quite good. My only complaints would be that all of the characters sound like variations of Tarantino, and the second "Really?" 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105236/?ref_=tttr_tr_tt

My Favorite Year (1982)

Synopsis: Ok, start with Scent of a Woman; replace Pacino and Chris O’Donnell with Peter O’Toole and Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers, and then re-write the script into a two-hour episode of Happy Days.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The immediacy of live television explodes with an intensity unknown in today’s world of video retakes and canned laughter.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Ladies are “unwell”, gentlemen vomit. 2) It takes two days to prepare Meatloaf Mindanao. 3) According to the protagonist: “Jews know two things: suffering, and where to find great Chinese food.” 4) According to the movie star: "women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you."

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to see Peter O’Toole bombed out of his gourd for an hour and a half.

Really?: Hold on...the veteran movie star is afraid of performing in front of an audience? And he only realizes he’ll be on live television ten minutes before his scheduled debut? Give me a break...

Rating: My Favorite Year enjoys a 100% Fresh rating at rottentomatoes.com, and a fairly high grade from imdb.com, so maybe I’m missing something, but I couldn’t stand this film. Everyone wildly overacts, the script tries too hard to achieve wacky, screwball humour, and yet it falls flat, and the whole thing looks and feels like an overly-long sitcom. A perfect example: at one point, a huge lamp crashes on stage and nearly kills King Kaiser (Joseph Bologna in a role that’s obviously patterned on Sid Caesar); I would have expected him and the camera to look upwards, to determine if it was an accident or not, but the shot never comes. Peter O’Toole provides an impressive, tour-de-force performance that deserves a few stars, but My Favorite Year is loud, unfunny, and poorly written. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084370/

Dinner Rush (2000)

Synopsis: If you’ve ever wanted to see a cross-over between Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and The Sopranos, this is your movie.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Things are really heating up at New York's hottest restaurant. Owner and bookie Louis Cropa (Danny Aiello) lost a friend to a mob hit and now his chef's gambling problem has brought the unwelcome mobsters into his restaurant."

What Did I Learn?: If you're obnoxious enough, you can guilt-trip a maitre d into comping you a nice bottle of Brunello because you had to wait twenty minutes for a table.

You Might Like This Movie If: See "Synopis".

Really?: 1) Um, I’m not entirely sure I buy the idea that in New York, a double murder in your restaurant will triple your business, but even if it’s true, wouldn’t it have still made more sense to whack the mobsters in Queen’s, or some other place with no connection to Louis? 2) So hold on... Gary (the accountant) is seen blocking access to the restaurant's bathroom when the hit takes place; he tells the detective's wife the ladies' room is out of order, when the clearly isn't true. Wouldn't he have some explaining to do, afterwards?

Rating: Dinner Rush is an enjoyable, and unfortunately overlooked film about an evening-in-the-life of a chic New York eatery. There isn't much of a plot to this movie (and in spite of the VHS blurb, it's hardly a gangster flick - most of the action revolves around Louis' relations with his two sons: the chef with dreams of owning the business, and the fuckup compulsive gambler), so much as a series of inter-connected storylines with a lot of witty and engaging dialogue thrown in. Aiello is quite good, and so are most of the other actors; my one complaint would be Sandra Berhard's performance. Wow...that woman just can't act! 8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0229340/

The Ice Storm (1997)

Interestingly, the Weather Channel is predicting ice-storm conditions in Toronto this evening.

Synopsis: All-American family celebrates Thanksgiving with turkey, cranberry sauce, vodka, um...valium, teenaged sex, and a key party?!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "Kevin Kline, Joan Allen and Sigourney Weaver turn in crystalline performances as two dysfunctional families learning to cope with the unyielding forces of nature - human nature - in this emotionally charged tale of suburban life in the '70s."

What Did I Learn?: When you’re staying with your parents, it’s not advisable to masturbate in the shower, as it wastes water and electricity and everyone expects you to whack off in there, anyway.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy watching a very mellow family deal with the unyielding forces of nature.

Really?: So, Wendy is what – 14 years old, and she’s able to chug vodka out of the bottle? No way. 2) I had a bit of a hard time believing Mikey would be ok with Wendy performing a sex act on him while she’s wearing a Nixon mask. 3) So, Wendy decides she wants to fool around with both Mikey and his brother Sandy, who’s what – 12 years old? This is fucked up! 4) The Carver’s own a bullwhip? Why in the world would a suburban family own a bullwhip? 5) I imagine the pharmacy decided not to press shoplifting charges against Elena, but it’s funny how that sub-plot is conveniently dropped and there’s no mention of it again after it happens. 6) I’m not sure Libbets would invite either Francis or Paul to her home over Thanksgiving...I would imagine she could do a lot better than either of those guys.

Rating: The Ice Storm is a beautifully-filmed near-masterpiece; through an odd musical score and some amazing cinematography, Ang Lee manages to recreate a long-ago time and place, and with it, a haunting stillness. The Ice Storm doesn’t really have a plot, which is fine for a character-driven drama, except that it’s tough to sympathize with any of these characters (at least until the end of the movie), as they’re all incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Still, highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119349/

The Man Who Would Be King (1975)

Sean Connery Historical Fiction (1890s?) Film Fest Movie #5

Synopsis: Loveable cockney blokes join world’s wealthiest, and most violent Masonic lodge.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "They rarely make them this way anymore - but they should. Based on a Rudyard Kipling story and packed with spectacle, humor, excitement and bold twists of fate, John Huston's film of The Man Who Would Be King earns its crown as one of the greatest screen adventures."

What Did I Learn?: 1) I can’t think of a single movie that does a better job of providing a concrete example for the old adage: "quit while you’re ahead." 2) Englishmen are the next best thing to gods. 3) Given a chance to think twice, it’s "not bloody likely" a soldier would give his life for Queen and country.

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe everyone should be given the chance to wear a crown.

Really?: 1) Um, isn’t it made fairly clear when Daniel meets Roxanne that the locals believe there’s no possible way a god can have sex with a mortal? Wouldn’t this have registered in his mind, and wouldn’t Peachy or Billy Fish have warned him of this danger? 2) See “Synopsis”.  3) Avalanches are apparently far more useful than dangerous.

Rating: The Man Who Would Be King is adventure with a capital A. While the film is a wee bit implausible in places, and about 15 or 20 minutes too long (which is why I can’t give it a full 10 out of 10 stars), Connery and Caine share some amazing chemistry together, and the storyline never once fails to hold the viewer’s interest. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073341/

Robin and Marian (1976)

Sean Connery Historical Fiction (1199 AD) Film Fest Movie #4 (This film reunites Connery not only with Richard Harris from The Molly Maguires, but also Robert Shaw, who played the evil SPECTRE agent Red Grant in From Russia With Love)

Synopsis: The old Robin Hood, he ain’t what he used to be...ain’t what he used to be...ain’t what he used to be...

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The legend of Robin Hood continues in this high-spirited adventure. Many years have passed since Robin (Sean Connery) led the fight for the poor people of Nottingham. Now, he and Little John return from the Crusades under the command of King Richard the Lionheart (Richard Harris). But when Richard is accidentally slain, the mad King John assumes the throne and Robin regroups the members of his old Sherwood Forest band.”

What Did I Learn?: Hunting for Robin Hood through Sherwood Forest while wearing heavy battle armour isn’t such a hot idea.

You Might Like This Movie If: You admire a hero who’s all about serving humanity, not cashing in or making dough.

Really?: Robin Hood – an outlaw – signs up to become Richard the Lionhearted’s flunkey for the Crusades? Isn’t that a bit like the Fonz going to Vietnam?

Rating: I have mixed feelings about Robin and Marian; in many respects it’s a fun, but beautiful movie about getting older and facing death; the musical score is lovely and elegiac, and the film features fine chemistry between Connery and Audrey Hepburn as the title characters. Robin and Marian is a nice little movie, but I kept asking myself: “do I really want to see this?” Do I really want to see Robin Hood get winded after a swordfight? Do I really want to see the legendary bandit display some stunningly bad judgement and get most of his Merry Men killed off as he pursues a woman who was a nun for the past 20 years? It’s all a wee bit depressing by the end. Oh – and watch for an excellent performance by Robert Shaw as the world-weary, and not-so-bad Sheriff of Nottingham; Shaw is one of the most likeable, and noble villains I’ve ever seen in a movie. 8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075147/

The Molly Maguires (1970)

Sean Connery Historical Fiction (1876) Film Fest Movie #3

Synopsis: Perfidious Pinkerton punks problematic proletarian Pennsylvania prospectors.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "The Molly Maguires was a secret society of militant coal miners who battled their exploitation by mine owners with violence, intimidation, and sometimes murder. Based on actual events, this gripping story is a sympathetic and accurate account of the Irish-American miners' struggle."

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, a tough Irish-American detective can withstand occasional sharp blows to the head without ever suffering from a concussion.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy watching working-class Americans pitted against each other...as well as the name "Molly".

Really?: Um...how just many crimes does McParlan/McKenna (Richard Harris) commit while he’s undercover with the Molly Maguires? That was always a big deal in films like Donnie Brasco. 2) Does McParlan/McKenna seriously think he’s going to sweep Mary Raines (Samantha Eggar) off her feet after she discovers: a) he’s been lying to her about his identity, and b) he sends a bunch of people in her community off to jail? 3) I had a hard time believing a violent secret society would recruit a dude they don’t know from Adam. 4) See What Did I Learn? (and McParlan takes those hits from his boss!)

Rating: I can’t say that I’m terribly fond of The Molly Maguires. While it’s not a bad movie by any stretch, and the production values are quite impressive, the biggest problems with The Molly Maguires are that it’s extremely slow-moving, and there aren’t any heroes. In mob-related films like the aforementioned Donnie Brasco, undercover agents usually feel pangs of guilt and remorse for stabbing their new-found friends in the back, yet the audience doesn’t feel terribly sorry for their victims because they’re violent gangsters. In The Molly Maguires, the miners are hard-working men trying to feed their families, and they have legitimate (or at least semi-legitimate) reasons for turning to violence; moreover, the cops actually assassinate both a Molly Maguire and his wife. The audience keeps waiting for McParlan/McKenna to have some sort of a change of heart, but it never happens. And leaving character development aside, there isn’t much suspense, either: Kehoe (Sean Connery) eventually finds out there’s a traitor in his group, and yet nothing ever comes from that discovery, and McParlan/McKenna never seems to get into any trouble he can’t handle.  6/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0066090/

 

The Great Train Robbery (1978)

As a movie buff, and a fan of his television and print reviews, I was saddened to hear that legendary film critic Roger Ebert passed away earlier today. RIP.

Sean Connery Historical Fiction (1855) Film Fest Movie #2

Synopsis: Loveable Victorian-era thieves covet gold even more than this guy.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "All aboard for runaway action and suspense in this riveting masterpiece from writer/director Michael Crichton! Starring Sean Connery, Donald Sutherland and Lesley-Ane Down, it's a "spine-tingling and suavely performed adventure (The Hollywood Reporter) based on history's first train robbery."

What Did I Learn?: A dead cat smells pretty bad.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that train robberies were a lot more civilized in 1855.

Really?: 1) Hold on...if Pierce and Agar get Clean Willy to sneak into the Stationmaster’s office to unlock the cabinet anyway, why doesn’t he also do the key engravings? Why does Agar need to risk a breaking-and-entering charge on a ridiculously dangerous 75-second mad dash? 2) Did horny Victorian-era travelling business men really use the term “55 mile per hour club”? 3) I don’t want to give away the ending, but Pierce’s big escape plan seems a bit, um... ad hoc... 4) Wait...are Pierce and Agar holding a flashlight during that scene in the wine cellar? In 1855?!

Rating: The Great Train Robbery is a charming and fun little period comedy-drama featuring impressive production values, and some fine chemistry between Connery and second-banana Sutherland. 8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091605/