The Boondock Saints (1999)

Dang - I probably should have saved this for St. Patrick’s Day! 

Synopsis: Multilingual Irish meatpackers team up with cat-killing idiot to rid Boston of its least-competent gangsters. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “FBI agent Paul Smecker (Willem Dafoe) is on the trail of two vigilante brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus) whose spiritual sense of justice has turned Boston’s streets red with blood.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) People in glass houses sink sh-sh-ships. 2) Charles Bronson always uses rope in his movies, and it’s useful to have some when you decide to go on a killing spree. 3) That James Bond shit never happens in real life - professionals don’t do that! 4) Willem Dafoe does NOT look good in drag. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to humiliate a smug work colleague. 

Really?: 1) So, a couple of working-class Irish guys from Boston are fluent in Russian, French, German, Spanish and Italian? Well, that’s convenient. 2) Funny how both Il Duce (Billy Connolly playing against type) and the Saints are all skilled sharpshooters, yet nobody gets hit during their big gun battle. 

Rating: The Boondock Saints is a darkly comic thriller about a couple of Irish-American brothers who become vigilantes, and the brilliant-but-seriously weird FBI agent (Dafoe, in a performance that pretty much steals the show) who pursues them. On the whole, it's a good film with a funny and compelling script that also takes itself a bit too seriously near the end. 8/10 stars 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0144117/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Revolver (2005)

Dang - I should have used this for my tribute to British Gangster Movies. 

Synopsis: Guy Ritchie set out to create something akin to The Usual Suspects meets Waking Life; instead, he made another Rancid Aluminum with a whole lot of psychobabble. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “REVOLVER is populated with Guy Ritchie’s (Snatch; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) classic breed of fast-talking, sharp-suited gangsters but with a psychological twist that your mind may not be able to handle.” [Ooh, that’s clever - if you don’t like this movie, it’s your fault because you can’t “handle” it.] 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, your ego isn’t really you, and you shouldn’t listen to what it has to say. 

You Might Like This Movie If: See: "What Did I Learn." 

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?” [WTF?] 2) Funny how Jake spent years in prison sandwiched between a con man and a chess grandmaster, and fate somehow throws him together with Zach (Vincent Pastore) and Avi (André Benjamin), and he never seems to put two and two together. 3) How exactly did Zach and Avi fake Jake’s illness, and fudge the medical records? 4) So, wait - Zach and Avi offer Jake protection from Macha in exchange for all of his money. Why would he take the offer, knowing full well that he’s dying, anyway? This doesn’t make any sense. 5) Ok, did Zach and Avi brainwash Jake when they were all in jail, or did they just encourage him to listen to his inner voice (which isn’t really him)? And is Jake really “Sam Gold”, or does Sam Gold live in the heads of every would-be big-time criminal? And if that’s the case, who are the attractive female hench-ladies who claim to work for Gold? 6) I realize Sorter (Mark Strong), the cold-as-ice hitman, doesn’t want to murder a little girl, but up until his big face-turn, the viewer isn’t given any indications that he might have second thoughts about murdering people in cold blood. It’s very unconvincing. 7) I give up. 

Rating: I quite enjoyed Guy Ritchie’s earlier films, so when I sat down to watch Revolver, I was unprepared for the convoluted, pretentious, and nonsensical mess that awaited me (See: "Synopsis," "What Did I Learn?" and "Really?") The movie starts out well - Jake Green (Jason Stratham) is released from prison, and wants some payback from oddly-named gangster Dorothy Macha (Ray Liotta), but the script quickly veers off into a number of bizarre directions, and it’s clear that Ritchie was in way over his head when he tried to inject thought-provoking, esoteric ideas into the world of Cockney gangsters. I cannot recommend this movie. 2/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely! Take a drink any time Ray Liotta screams hysterically, or somebody in the film says something “clever” along the lines of: “greed is the only snake that cannot be charmed,” or “The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look.” 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365686/?ref_=rvi_tt

Pride and Glory (2008)

Synopsis: So, there’s this troubled cop who returns to active duty to investigate a big crime, and he uncovers corruption, and…wait, isn’t this basically the same ground that Narc covered? And Night Falls on Manhattan? And Serpico? And Copland? And the January Man? And….         

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Four cops down: two dead two likely. An NYPD drug bust has gone horribly wrong, and Detective Ray Tierney heads the investigating task force.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Francis Tierney Sr’s kids are the most important thing in the world. 2) If Jimmy Egan’s boys were doing something, he would know about it. 3) You’re supposed to fix any leaks in a boat before laying down carpet, but leaks come with owning a boat. 4) 

You Might Like This Movie If: You love clever, and highly imaginative dialogue. 

Really?: Wow….a cop who lives on a boat in the marina. That’s original. (Please see my reviews of Blood Work and Lethal Weapon). 

Rating: Pride and Glory isn’t bad for an evening’s entertainment, but I couldn’t help myself from thinking I had seen this movie - or at least certain elements of it before (see: “Synopsis” and “Really?”). Ed Norton does a capable job of carrying Pride and Glory, yet the movie itself is an unoriginal paint-by-the-numbers police thriller, and highly derivative of better films. 6.5/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0482572/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Suicide Kings (1997)

Synopsis: Basically, the pretentious-but-vaguely-defined goofballs from Kicking and Screaming kidnap a slightly-nicer version of the villain from True Romance. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Avery is desperate: his sister has been kidnapped and ransomed for $2,000,000, and his father doesn’t have the cash. So Avery and his buddies concoct a bold, semi-suicidal scheme: abduct retired mob boss Charlie Bartolucci (Christopher Walked), hide out in their uptight friend Ira’s house while his folks are out of town, and force Bartolucci to use his contacts to find the girl.” 

What Did I Learn?: Everybody lies. Cops lie; newspapers lie; parents lie; the one thing you can count on is the word on the street. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that if you insist upon wearing $1500 stingray boots, you might receive a bit of good-natured ribbing from friends and colleagues. 

Really?: 1) Ok, I realize the guys are desperate to get Jennifer back from the kidnappers, but how can they be sure Charlie’s people can actually find these people, and what do they think is going to happen after they let him go with a severed finger? 2) So, a big-time ex-mob boss gets into a car with a bunch of strange young men without even informing his bodyguard? That seems a bit implausible. 

Rating: Suicide Kings is a little contrived (see: "Really?"), but it’s a suspenseful, and occasionally funny psychodrama with an unusual cast and a fine performance from Walken. It’s a pleasure to watch Charlie terrify-and-manipulate his captors, even though he’s taped to a chair and slowly bleeding to death, and I especially loved the scenes when he torments (and later befriends) whiny-and-neurotic Ira (Johnny Galecki). 8/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120241/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Fun With Dick and Jane (1977)

Synopsis: Middle-class family learns the hard way that crime pays, and working hard for the American Dream is for chumps. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “George Segal and Jane Fonda star in this hilarious send-up of upper middle class mores and the price people are willing to pay to maintain a comfortable lifestyle.” 

What Did I Learn?: If a crowd starts to gather as the repo men are grabbing your few, meagre possessions, your best course of action to salvage your self-respect is to loudly yell: “that’s not the model we ordered - get it out of here immediately!” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know it isn't easy to successfully rob a convenience store. 

Really?: Funny how the cops never seem to zero in on our heroes, even though they stop wearing masks, or any sort of disguises during the later holdups!!

Rating: I’m probably being overly generous with my rating, but I genuinely liked Fun With Dick and Jane. Segal and Fonda share some sparkling comedic chemistry (it’s also rather interesting to see Ed McMahon do something besides guffaw on Johnny Carson’s couch), the script is subversively funny, and it’s difficult to dislike these flawed, but all-too-human characters. That said, the film’s humour is very much a product of the late 1970s, so it may rub politically correct viewers the wrong way. 9/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076059/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Fun With Dick and Jane (2005)

Synopsis: Heavily-indebted corporate executive loses his job, and…..oh, who are we kidding? It’s basically 90 minutes of Jim Carrey acting like a hyperactive idiot. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When Dick Harper (Jim Carrey) is terminated as Globodyne Corporation’s VP of Communications, he assures his wife, Jane (Téa Leoni), he’ll find another job in no time. Madder and desperate than ever, Dick and Jane turn to the fastest-growing sector in the white-collar job market - armed robbery - as they become upscale suburban Robin Hoods, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor….namely themselves.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. 2) Apparently, it’s really easy to sneak around through a commercial bank building, and surreptitiously enter and exit executive office suites. 3) We’re all just cavemen, trying to protect our patch of land. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to watch somebody melt down during a network news interview. 

Really?: 1) See “What Did I Learn, #2”, 2) I'm not sure a stock can drop to $0 a share in mere minutes, but let's chalk that up to creative screen writing. A more pertinent question is this: Dick serves as Globodyne’s Vice President of Communications, but had he ever appeared on television, or been interviewed by a reporter before his big flop on a national broadcast? One assumes he would be a little better at spinning corporate BS. 

Rating: Fun With Dick and Jane has a few good moments, but it’s an unnecessary, and uninspired remake of the 1977 classic (most of the best material comes from the original), and Carrey nearly ruins it with an over-the-top and grating performance. Moreover, the script’s message about late 1990s/early 2000s Enron-style corporate fraud seems a bit tacked-on. 6/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0369441/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Bad News Bears (1976)

Synopsis: Oscar Madison exchanges barbs with foul-mouthed, surly pre-teens. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “A major surprise as one of 1976’s top-grossing films, The Bad News Bears is a movie about children that is refreshing, utterly believable, and quite cleverly funny.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) That quitting thing - it’s a hard habit to break once you start. 2) It took several hundred years to build Rome. 3) There’s energy in chocolate. 4) The Yankees are real turds. 5) Nobody wants to wear a jockstrap until some unlucky sap gets smacked in the nuts with a fastball. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that bears are bad news. 

Really?: 1) So, Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) transforms from an apathetic, beer-drinking slob into a verbally-abusing control freak? And then into a genuinely caring father-figure in the last 15 minutes of the movie? 2) I wouldn’t describe myself as a fan of political correctness, but it is a bit jarring to hear an 11-year old spout racial epithets at his teammates. 3) Wait, Buttermaker informs ace pitcher Amanda (Tatum O’Neal) that he doesn’t want to see her again once the season is over, and she shows up for the last game, anyway? 4) I’m glad the Bears learned all about the importance of teamwork, but how about manners and good sportsmanship? 5) So, it’s the final game of the season, the Bears have a real chance of winning, and Buttermaker puts in his worst player because he hasn’t had a turn at bat? Oh, come on….

Rating: I hadn’t watched The Bad News Bears in nearly 35 years, so I was surprised to discover that it wasn't quite as funny as I remembered. Matthau does his best with the material - he shares some nice one-on-one moments with O’Neal and a few of the other kids, and I loved the scene when he orders the team to clean a swimming pool as he sips martinis, but the script is often vulgar and clichéd, Matthau’s character development is a little unconvincing (see: “Really?”), and nobody in this film is all that likeable. 6/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074174/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)

Synopsis: Bored, bank-robbing billionaire matches wits with amoral, cold-as-ice insurance investigator, and….wait, why exactly are we supposed to care about either of these characters? 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Brilliantly created by the Oscar-nominated director of Moonstruck, and starring Academy Award-winning actress Faye Dunaway (Network), and the legendary Steve McQueen (The Great Escape), The Thomas Crown Affair has all the suspense and action of a taut and intriguing modern-day crime caper.” 

What Did I Learn?: Split-screen cinematography is best used sparingly. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to watch a sexy game of chess. 

Really?: 1) I realize Crown is a danger-seeker, and Vicky (Dunaway) is an intelligent and attractive woman, but gee… if I discovered that some pushy insurance investigator was looking into my business, I’d probably lawyer-up and find a way to get a restraining order. I don’t think I’d take her out for expensive dinners, or allow her into my home. 2) It’s one thing to threaten one of Crown’s accomplices with serious jail time if he doesn’t cooperate, and quite another to kidnap his son. I lost a lot of sympathy for Vicky after that incident. 3) If I ever have to hear Michel Legrand’s God-awful “Windmills of your mind” again, I’m going to hurt somebody. 

Rating: I was surprised to read that Steve McQueen regarded The Thomas Crown Affair as his favourite self-starring movie, as he’s very much out of character as a billionaire playboy, and he made much better movies in the 1970s. McQueen and Dunaway share some great cat-and-mouse chemistry, and I’ll never certainly never forget that chess scene! Still, once the initial caper is completed, the film is mostly stylish build-up that doesn’t really go anywhere. 7/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063688/?ref_=tt_rec_tt

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

Synopsis: Wow… dullest Bond movie EVER! 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Thrill-seeking billionaire Thomas Crown (Pierce Brosnan) loves nothing more than courting disaster - and winning!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Regret is usually a waste of time, as is gloating. 2) Life is full of shitty conflicts. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Denis Leary is just the guy to investigate a big theft. 

Really?: 1) Ok, it’s nice that Faye Dunaway has a bit part in this movie, but she has to be the world’s worst psychiatrist (I’m pretty sure that mocking a patient, and then laughing at his misfortune is a big professional no-no), and her scenes with Brosnan are pretty pointless. 2) So, wait… why would Crown paint over the stolen artwork, and then donate it back to the museum, knowing full well it would eventually prove he stole it in the first place? And how exactly does he rip off the painting that Catherine (Russo) likes? I’m sorry, but you can’t make a heist movie without explaining some pertinent technical details. 3a) Um…. New York City detectives are pretty useless, aren’t they? I mean, Catherine discovers every single clue, and single-handedly pieces them all together. She even figures out that Crown has to be the culprit, based on zero evidence. 3b) Speaking of Catherine’s investigation, how does she get away with conducting an illegal search of Crown’s swanky townhouse, and then sleeping with him without the cops arresting her for obstructing justice? 

Rating: I hadn’t seen The Thomas Crown Affair since it was released nearly 20 years ago, yet my opinion of it is more-or-less the same: the film is superficial, tedious, and overly long. While I liked Bill Conti’s jazzy musical score, and Denis Leary’s earthy performance as Detective McCann, the script isn’t nearly as clever, compelling, or suspenseful as it should have been (see: “Really?"), and the bulk of the film consists of Brosnan and Russo enjoying a ridiculously luxurious lifestyle while the audience waits for something to happen. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Probably not, but take a drink any time Brosnan or Russo change outfits. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0155267/?ref_=nv_sr_1

True Grit (2010)

Please click the link to read my review of the original True Grit, starring John Wayne and Kim Darby. Oh, and this would have been perfect for my tribute to Jeff Bridges! 

Synopsis: Smug Texan, one-eyed drunk, and precocious 14-year-old girl go a-killin’. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “True Grit is a powerful story of vengeance and valour set in an unforgiving and unpredictable frontier where justice is simple and mercy is rare.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Malum in se. The distinction is between an act that is wrong in itself, and an act that is wrong only according to our laws and mores. 2) You must pay for everything in this world, one way and another. There is nothing free except the grace of God. 3) The world is vexing enough without hypotheticals. 4) “Futile” is not spelled f-u-d-e-l. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to watch a highly individualistic woman with a lot of... *ahem*... true grit. 

Really?: 1) Wait - Mattie is the protagonist, yet Hailee Steinfeld isn’t even billed on the DVD jacket? And Josh Brolin receives third billing, even though we don’t even meet Tom Chaney until well into the third act? That doesn’t seem right. 2) So, does Rooster (Bridges) say anything of any importance when he’s drunk? He mumbles so much that I was lucky to make out every third or fourth word. 3) Hold on…. Ned Pepper knows that Chaney will murder Mattie the first chance he gets, but he leaves him alone with her with nothing but a warning? That seems a bit contrived. 

Rating: Written, directed, and produced by Joel and Ethan Coen, and featuring fine performances from Bridges and Brolin (Steinfeld is outstanding as Mattie Ross, and easily carries the picture with a plucky charm) True Grit is a Western masterpiece that somehow manages to outshine the 1969 classic. My only complaint - and it is an important one - is that Tom Chaney (Brolin) really should have been introduced a lot sooner than the last 20-30 minutes of the movie. 9/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1403865/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Escape From L.A. (1996)

Synopsis: It’s the most derivative, badly-produced, and completely unnecessary rip-off of Escape From New York since…well, After the Fall of New York. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The man with the patch is back. Call him Snake. Kurt Russell rejoins filmmakers John Carpenter and Debra Hill to do to the Big Orange what they did to the Big Apple in Escape From New York - with even more futuristic thrills and slam-bang action!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) L.A. can kill anyone. 2) L.A. loves a winner. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch Kurt Russell in anything. 

Really?: 1) So….nobody has ever survived Cuervo Jones’ basketball challenge until Snake shows up. Oh, and who would have guessed he also knows how to surf a tsunami-sized wave? 2) Wait, Cuervo Jones, the leader of the world’s anti-American forces, is living (and thriving) inside an offshore American prison? 3) I realize Snake is slowly dying from the Plutoxin virus, but I’m pretty sure that if I were piloting a submarine, and somebody informed me I could blow out the engine by pushing it too hard, and too fast, I would probably slow down. 4) So, are China and the Soviet Union still around, as they were in the alternate 1997? Why is it now the United States against the rest of the world? This is never really explained. Also, the narration claims that a presidential candidate predicted a giant California earthquake, and then it happened. Was it planned? Do we care? 

Rating: Escape From L.A. isn’t really a sequel to the classic Escape From New York so much as a pointless remake, featuring a collection of characters very similar to the ones in the original, and nearly-identical scene-by-scene story plotting. Unfortunately, the film also features laughably bad early CGI special effects, and an over-the-top satirical streak (ex. The Surgeon General of Beverly Hills and his gang of plastic surgery-addicted goons) that never delivers any laughs. A prime example: it’s funny in EFNY when prisoners about to be shipped to Manhattan are informed they can choose to be executed; it’s crude and disturbing in EFLA when we witness electrocutions in the hallway of the processing centre. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely - take a drink every time Malloy (Stacy Keach) addresses Snake as “hotshot.” 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116225/?ref_=rvi_tt

After the Fall of New York (1983)

Synopsis: Call your lawyer, Mr. Carpenter. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Handsome, virile actor Michael Sopkiw stars in this futuristic thriller of life on Earth after the world’s third thermonuclear war. All that remains is a radioactive wasteland, the once civilized inhabitants reduced to scavenging warring tribes, the two most powerful known as Eurax and the Pan American Confederation.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) A little spontaneous collaboration never hurt anyone. 2) It’s inevitable that an overdeveloped society will eventually come to the point of its own destruction. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you're not deterred by a less-than-stellar review. 

Really?: 1) Funny how the Euraks have “fused” Europe, Asia and Africa into one continent, with one “master race,” yet nearly everyone in this movie appears to be Italian. 2) Wait…the Euraks need living New Yorkers for horrible medical experiments, yet when their would-be specimens don’t volunteer for vivisection, they simply hunt down New Yorkers and shoot them dead in the streets? 3) So, how do the Pan-Am Confederates know the only fertile woman left on Earth is in New York City, and how did she manage to escape sterility? 4) Hmm…. There seems to be an awful lot of intact infrastructure - factories, nice buildings, power lines, etc, even though this film supposedly takes place after Earth’s “third thermonuclear war.” 5) The lead Eurak interrogator actually says: “We have ways of making you talk.” 6) Hold on…. The female Eurak commander releases Parsifal from his restraints, kisses him passionately, and he spills the beans about his mission to New York City? And then his captors more-or-less abandon him so he can free his friends? 7) How can a movie have a "special guest star?"

Rating: After the Fall of New York is a long-forgotten, sloppily-produced European rip-off of John Carpenter’s Escape From New York, the Mad Max films, and those weird, early-1980s warriors-in-the-wasteland epics such as Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. After the Fall of New York is unoriginal, poorly acted, and marred by bargain-basement special effects and some laughably-awful fight scene choreography. I cannot recommend this movie. 2/10 stars. 

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely! Take a drink any time Parsifal (Sopkiw) gets beaten up and captured. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085125/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Escape From New York (1981)

Synopsis: Sometime in the future, the US Government decides to dump It’s convicts into a lawless offshore hellhole terrorized by a ruthless crime lord. So, it’s basically Terminal Island, with the added feature of Kurt Russell growling out a Clint Eastwood impression. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Kurt Russell (Stargate) stars in a high-velocity sci-fi action-thriller that sets the screen ablaze with heart-stopping suspense, outrageous stunts and imaginative special effects.” 

What Did I Learn?: The Duke of New York is A-Number-1. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that originality went out the window in Hollywood a long time ago. 

Really?: 1) The movie opens by stating that in 1988, the crime rate spiked by 400%. Um….why did this happen? And why would the US government turn its financial capital city - with an extensive subway network and other expensive infrastructure - into an island prison? 2) So, the President has the only copy of a plan for nuclear fusion? Gee, that’s convenient. 3) Um….there appears to be an oil derrick in Brain’s apartment. Does New York City sit atop some undiscovered petroleum deposit? How exactly does he “make” gasoline for the Duke? 4) Hold on - Snake defeats Slag (Ox Baker) in a death match, the Duke and his entourage suddenly leave to catch the traitorous Brain, and Snake is more-or-less abandoned by his captors? 

Rating: Escape From New York is an enjoyable science-fiction-action-thriller with an odd-but-impressive cast that works well as long as you don’t ask too many questions about the plot. Russell has said that Snake Plissken is his favourite character, and it’s easy to see why - he’s pretty fucking cool. 8/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082340/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Warriors (1979)

Synopsis: Wily Warriors witness windbag warlord’s wicked whacking, wisely withdraw warily, wending way without warm welcome. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A battle of gigantic proportions is looming in the neon underground of New York City. The armies of the night number 100,000; they outnumber the police 5 to 1; and tonight they’re after the Warriors - a street gang blamed unfairly for a rival gang leader’s death.” 

What Did I Learn?: Peppering a speech with plenty of “Can you dig it?”s is a great way to encourage audience participation. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to take a subway ride to Coney Island. 

Really?: 1) So…why does that rival gang kill Cyrus? This is never really explained. 2) Do multi-ethnic street gangs exist outside of Hollywood movies? I can’t answer that question, but I’m pretty sure no gang would be dumb enough to enter a street fight wearing roller-skates! (And don’t get me started on the Baseball Furies….) 3) Speaking of the Furies, it's not that easy to beat up a guy with your bare hands when he's carrying a baseball bat, yet our heroes apparently have no trouble disarming, and knocking out gentlemen whose specialty is club-fighting. 4) So, do any of these guys have a friend, or a relative who owns a car? One simple phone call could have solved their entire problem. 5) Much of the tension in the film is based on the personality clash between Swan (Michael Beck) and Ajax (James Remar), so it loses a bit of steam when the latter is arrested by an undercover cop mid-way through, and we never see him again. 

Rating: If you ever wanted to see a prequel to Escape from New York that didn’t involve Snake Plissken, The Warriors comes pretty close to being one. Directed by Walter Hill, this cult classic works well as an edge-of-your-seat thriller, and it provides a fascinating snapshot of New York City's tired-looking public infrastructure in the late 1970s. That said, The Warriors also suffers from an unpolished script, and it’s populated with a lot of angry, hard-edged, and rather unlikeable characters who don’t do very much to deserve the viewer’s sympathies. Check it out if you want to see its clear influence on later films. 7/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080120/?ref_=rvi_tt

Bon Cop, Bad Cop (2006)

Happy Canada Day! (Please click the links to read my reviews of The Silent Partner, Strange Brew, It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, Hard Core Logo, Joshua Then and Now, The Trailer Park Boys: Countdown to Liquor Day, The Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special, Mr. Patman/Crossover, Heavy Metal, Lost and Found, Hitman Hart: Wrestling with Shadows, and Splendido Secrets) 

Synopsis: It has all the makings of a great buddy cop thriller…if it wasn’t for all that damned French! 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Two Canadian detectives, one from Ontario and the other from Quebec, must work together when a murdered victim is found on the Ontario Quebec border line.” [Taken from imdb.com. I don’t have a DVD jacket for this sucker] 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Placing people in the trunk of a car is a Quebec tradition. 2) Just because you can film a movie that features equal parts of French and English dialogue doesn’t mean that you should. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to learn a thing or two about using Québecois profanities. 

Really?: So wait…. Ward and Bouchard kidnap the hockey commissioner, rough him up, throw him in the trunk of a car, and trade him to a deranged psycho? I realize they’re desperate to get Bouchard’s daughter back in one piece, but couldn’t they go to their superior officers and get some help? It’s a little hard to sympathize with these guys after they do this to an innocent bystander, and I couldn’t imagine how they could stay out of jail, let alone keep their jobs after doing so. 

Rating: Bon Cop, Bad Cop is a highly contrived, but very enjoyable action-comedy that manages to poke fun at both Hollywood cop movie clichés and Canada’s long-standing national unity divide. Huard and Feore share some great chemistry, and the film is often quite funny (the moment when they accidentally sever a corpse found on the Ontario-Quebec border sign into two parts is priceless). That said, the scenes involving Rick Mercer as blowhard "Tom Berry", and Rick Howland as “Harry Buttman” are so over the top they don’t fit with the rest of the movie’s tone. Moreover, I found the constant switching between English and French to be a bit gimmicky. It’s hard to do my ritual of dinner-with-a-movie when I have to constantly watch the screen for new subtitles. 8/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479647/?ref_=rvi_tt

Airport 1975 (1974)

Charlton Heston / George Kennedy Movie #2 (Please click the links to read my reviews of Airport, Airport 1977, and The Concorde - Airport 1979) 

Synopsis: It’s essentially Airplane! without the laughs. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A catastrophic mid-air collision threatens the lives of all aboard a 747 jumbo jet in this thrilling drama featuring Hollywood’s biggest stars!” 

What Did I Learn?: If you’re ever in a situation where a stewardess is forced to take the controls of a jumbo jet, it’s not a good idea to inform the passengers of this development. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You'll watch anything from the mid-1970s. 

Really?: Call me a skeptic, but I’m pretty sure that if a small airplane crashed right into the cockpit of a 747 jumbo jet, the latter aircraft probably wouldn’t stay aloft very long afterwards. 

Rating: Airport 1975 is probably the best of the Airport films (although that's a bit like calling somebody the valedictorian of summer school!), as it features a semi-believable plot, an interesting cast , and some nice chemistry between Heston, Kennedy and Karen Black. Check it out if you want to look at some of the source material that inspired the creators of Airplane! 7/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071110/?ref_=nv_sr_3

Earthquake (1974)

Charlton Heston / George Kennedy Movie #1 (Please click the links to read my reviews of a few other 1970s disaster films: The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, and The Swarm). 

Synopsis: It’s like the Towering Inferno,except… horizontal. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When the most catastrophic earthquake of all time rips through Southern California, it levels Los Angeles and sends shockwaves through the lives of all who live there.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Earthquakes bring out the worst in some people. 2) A satyr is a male version of a nympho. 3) When George Kennedy yells: “move your ass!,” you Move. Your. Ass. 3) People do NOT drown in elevators every damn day of the week. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You’re a die-hard Lorne Greene fan. 

Really?: 1) Speaking of Lorne Greene, I honestly never thought I’d hear him shout: “take off your pantyhose, damnit! You too, c'mon, take off your pantyhose!” 2) So, why is Walter Matthau dressed like a 1970s pimp? 

Rating: Earthquake might be the quintessential 1970s disaster movie: overly long, highly  melodramatic, and stuffed with unusual cameo appearances (see: “Really?”). It’s also a lot of fun, if you don’t mind a bit of over-acting. 6.5/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071455/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Up in the Air (2009)

Synopsis: High-flying douchebag gets grounded. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Ryan Bingham is truly living the high life. Flying all over the world on business, he never stops moving… until he meets Alex, a fellow passenger, and learns that life isn’t about the journey, but the connections we make along the way.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Kids love athletes because they follow their dreams. (Adults love athletes because they bang lingerie models). 2) If somebody asks: “am I getting fired?”, the words: “Perhaps you're overlooking the positive effects your career transition will have on your children”, “We're here to talk about your future”, and “This is the first step in a new process that will end with you at a job that fulfills you” aren't going to cut it. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You love being in the air. 

Really?: I had a bit of trouble with the entire concept of this film. Doesn’t every large company have its own Human Resources department that’s perfectly capable of firing employees? Why would anyone pay a hefty fee so Ryan can fly cross-country, fire a mid-level executive or two and then take off the next day? 

Rating: Up in the Air is an enjoyable film that works better as satire on corporate downsizing and the emergence of parasitic Human Resources consulting firms than it does as a romantic comedy, in part because Ryan and Alex are both rather selfish and shallow individuals. In my opinion, the best scenes involve Ryan showing Natalie (Anna Kendrick) the ropes, and attempting to explain why firing employees via videoconferencing is really, really tacky. 8/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1193138/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Duplicity (2009)

Yup - Blockbuster wanted $5 for this flick. 

Synopsis: Devious duo ditch dull data-delivery duties, devise dexterous deceit. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Oscar winner Julia Roberts and Clive Owen star as two sexy spies-turned corporate operatives in the midst of a clandestine love affair.” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) There’s a lot of money in frozen pizza. 2) Writing with a fountain pen is rather pretentious. 3) “Lotion” cannot be used interchangeably with “cream.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that a cure for baldness could put a lot of people out of business. 

Really?: 1) So, wait - the Swiss buyers take a good look at the stolen formula and realize almost instantly that it’s just a cold cream. Wouldn’t Garsik (Paul Giamatti) have his experts examine the formula before making a huge announcement at the company AGM? 2) Ray (Owen) and Claire (Roberts) meet what - five or six times in exotic locales (ok, Cleveland isn’t all that exotic) just so they can talk about pulling a big scam? Are any of these scenes actually necessary for advancing the plot? 

Rating: Duplicity isn’t bad for an evening’s entertainment, but it doesn’t quite work as either a romantic comedy or as a suspenseful spy thriller. The film suffers from a few problems, including a highly contrived and difficult-to-follow story, a noticeable lack of chemistry between the two leads, and an endless parade of pointless flashbacks (see: “Really?”). Check it out only if there’s nothing better on the tube. 6/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1135487/?ref_=rvi_tt

Welcome to Collinwood (2002)

Let’s Rob a Jewelry Store Movie #2

Synopsis: George Clooney leads an all-star crew of loveable thieves as they plan-and-execute a heist. So, let’s call it a very low-rent Ocean’s 11. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “it’s the easiest heist plan, the cleanest getaway, the biggest payday. It’s the kind of sure thing folks in blue-collar Collinwood call a Bellini, so what could go wrong? In a word, everything!” 

What Did I Learn?: Bellinis are good….Kapuchniks are bad. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You figure it must be an 86-minute travelogue video...and you didn't notice the missing "g". 

Really?: 1) I had a hard time believing Pero (Sam Rockwell) would use every dime of Cosimo’s $16,000 to bribe the cop. How does he know the robbery would even be assigned to him? 2) Speaking of which, let’s see…. two old ladies move into the long-vacant apartment next to the shop, and the gang suddenly has a hard-ass cop breathing down their necks. I realize these guys aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed, but most people would dismiss the job as unworkable and simply move on. 

Rating: If Welcome to Collinwood seems eerily familiar, it’s because the film is a remake of the 1958 Italian classic, Big Deal on Madonna Street, which was also remade in the 1980s as Crackers, starring Donald Sutherland and Sean Penn. That said, Collinwood is a clever, compelling, and very funny re-telling of the original (I couldn't stop myself from laughing hysterically when Michael Jeter's Toto somehow loses his underwear during the robbery). 8/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0271259/?ref_=nv_sr_1