"Wholly Moses" (1980)

Biblical Movie #3

Synopsis: It’s The Ten Commandments, starring...um... Dudley Moore. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “An all-star comedy cast hams it up in this hilarious biblical spoof. Discovered in a desert cave is an ancient document which casts new light on an old story.” 

What Did I Learn?: Satan became the Devil when God approached him one day with a red costume and said: “here, try this on.” 

You Might Like This Movie If: You know there's nothing funnier than the Old Testament.

 

Really?: Wholly Moses is a screwball comedy, and obviously isn’t meant to be taken all that seriously. Still, I had a hard time believing a professor of ancient languages wouldn’t place the scroll back inside its jar and then call in the archaeologists. Taking it outside seems a bit bone-headed. 

Rating: I wanted to like Wholly Moses a lot more than I did. Moore does his best with the material, the cast is impressive, and the film features a few good moments (John Ritter makes a wonderful cameo as a surprisingly likeable Devil – see “What Did I Learn?”, and I’ll never forget Richard Pryor’s portrayal of a coked-out-of-his-mind Pharaoh), but it’s otherwise a meandering and unfunny mess, and I’m not surprised that it bombed as badly as it did. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night: It’s worth a shot – hey, take a drink any time somebody uses the phrase “chosen one.” 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081751/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Moses (1975)

Biblical Movie #2

Synopsis: Ever wanted to see The Ten Commandments remade in the style of a low-budget spaghetti western? This is your lucky day… 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “BURT LANCASTER stars as Moses, the man who led his people from slavery to freedom and faith, in this mammoth production of the Old Testament story.” 

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, Moses’ wife had an Italian accent. 

You Might Like This Movie If: Just like the Pharaoh, you love crocodile hunting.

Really?: Holy crap – Moses creates a hit squad out of his tribe, throws sinners off cliffs, sentences a man to stoning because he worked on the Sabbath, and then tells his people it’s ok to conquer lands occupied by other people because they don’t enjoy a covenant with God? Ok, I realize this movie takes place 3,000 years ago, and the ancient Israelites didn’t have a lot of punishments available, but it’s a little difficult to sympathize with him after this. 

Rating: Moses is a very different re-telling of the Exodus story than The Ten Commandments, and in many respects it’s a better film, even if the special effects are a little low-budget. Moses is quite austere, and spends a lot more time on the period between the escape of the Israelites from Egypt and their entry into the promised land than DeMille's epic. I especially liked Lancaster’s performance; while Charlton Heston portrays Moses as larger-than-life and super-heroic, Lancaster plays him as a real person, with fears, doubts, a short temper, and even world-weariness. Lancaster’s humanity keeps the audience on his side, even when he’s forced to take some disturbing actions. Oh, and you may get a kick out of Ennio Morricone’s most unusual musical score. 7.5/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072547/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_31

The Ten Commandments (1956)

Happy Easter/Passover, everyone! (Please click the link to read my review of The Long Good Friday)

Biblical Movie #1

Synopsis: Privileged prince gives up the good life to become intolerant religious nutjob. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “For sheer pageantry and spectacle, few motion pictures can claim to equal the splendor of C.B. DeMille’s 1956 remake of his epic The Ten Commandments.” 

What Did I Learn?: God isn’t very nice, and it’s a really bad idea to piss him off. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You really want to see Charlton Heston strike a blow for freedom.

 

Really?: 1) Funny how this movie takes place in the Middle East, and nobody looks even remotely Middle Eastern. 2) So, was there some legitimacy to the Egyptian religion? It foretold the coming of the Deliverer, and the court magicians were also able to turn their staffs into serpents. 3) Wow…Sephora makes a really unconvincing ‘heel turn’ near the end, doesn’t she? 4) So, Moses discovers the truth about his birth, and then completely abandons his Egyptian upbringing in order to live as a slave? 5) Let me see…this movie was already three hours and 40 minutes long, and somebody decided that it really needed a short appearance by an old guy in a suit. 5) I have to wonder: was Ramses the dumbest Pharaoh to ever rule Egypt? His army was stopped by a pillar of fire, and he personally witnessed the parting of the Red Sea and he still commanded them to chase the Israelites? 6) Why in the world did the Israelites allow Dathan to join them in the Exodus, or listen to him about the golden calf? He was a slave-driver, for crying out loud!! 7) How does Moses get so many audiences with Ramses? Come to think of it, how does he get away with sassing the supreme leader of Egypt without getting executed? He was banished, and told never to return. 8) So, um… are Ramses and Sephora brother and sister?

Rating: While I’m generally a sucker for old movies, The Ten Commandments is one of those films from the 1950s that hasn’t aged very well. Clocking in at 219 minutes, The Ten Commandments is far too long, the acting is terrible, and I had a great deal of trouble believing the basic storyline. (I realize TTC is based upon the Old Testament, as well as the works of several ancient historians, but I have to wonder what sort of liberties DeMille took in order to make it audience-friendly). 5.5/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049833/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Above The Rim (1994)

Tupac Triple-Feature Movie #3

Hey, this would have been perfect both for my salute to urban crime films, and for my tribute to movies about basketball. 

Synopsis: Older-but-troubled man plays a spirited game of one-on-one basketball with a talented-but-arrogant kid to show him he’s on the wrong path. Oh wait – that’s the synopsis for He Got Game. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “It’s a battle for Kyle’s heart and soul, resulting in one of the grittiest basketball films ever made!” 

What Did I Learn?: If you absolutely have to play basketball on a rooftop, it’s a really bad idea to go for a slam dunk. 

You Might Like This Movie If: Just like troubled Tom Shepherd, you enjoy playing basketball without that basketball.

 

Really?: So, the local drug kingpin’s big obsession is to completely annihilate the other teams in the charity basketball tournament, and he’s prepared to shower Kyle with money, women, and lots of other free stuff to achieve that goal? Ok, whatever…. 

Rating: I wanted to like Above the Rim a bit more than I actually did. While the film features a number of good performances (fans of The Wire will delight in seeing Wood Harris, who played Avon Barksdale), it’s overloaded with too many subplots, I had a bit of trouble believing the film’s basic premise (see: “Really?”), and Kyle isn’t a terribly sympathetic protagonist. 6.5/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109035/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Gridlock'd (1997)

First of all, I hate it when I'm forced to carry themes over into a new month. And secondly, I  can’t believe I only reviewed a grand total of four movies in March. That’s a new low. All I can say is that I was a little preoccupied with some freelance writing, and helping my Dad cope with some unexpected health issues. I’ll do my best to review at least ten movies in April. 

Tupac Triple-Feature Movie #2 (Please click the review to read my review of Juice) 

Synopsis: Loveable junkies get the run-around. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When their friend Cookie o.d.’s, best buddies and musicians Spoon (Tupac Shakur) and Stretch (Tim Roth) decide it’s time to kick their drug habit by putting themselves into detox. But they soon discover that the road to rehab is paved with reams of social service red tape.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you need medical attention, don’t EVER piss off the Emergency Room receptionist. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Tupac get stabbed.

 

Really?: So wait – Stretch is HIV positive, and he never thought to tell either his best friend, or the girl they share? You know, it’s tough to sympathize with him after that revelation. Come to think of it, I’m shocked that he could use the “n” word as liberally as he does, and somehow get away with it. 

Rating: Gridlock’d is a surprisingly enjoyable, and very gritty black comedy. Shakur and Roth share some great chemistry as a couple of plucky losers, and some believe this might have been Tupac’s best performance. Oh, and watch for Howard Hesseman (best remembered as Johnny Fever on WKRP in Cincinnati) in a small, but scene-stealing role. 8/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119225/?ref_=nv_sr_1