No Mercy (1986)

Synopsis: Hmm... tough urban detective travels to a strange city after his partner is mysteriously murdered, and harasses rich guy with funny European accent... oh my God, it’s Beverly Hills Cop, except Axel Foley is white, he never once cracks a joke, and most of his time is spent running around a swamp, handcuffed to a hot illiterate chick! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Richard Gere and Kim Bassinger sizzle in a searing action thriller of passion and murder, NO MERCY.” 

What Did I Learn?: According to tough Chicago cop Eddie Gilette (Gere), every hooker has a hard-luck story, and the secret to Heaven is “a girl with freckles on her tits.”  

You Might Like This Movie If: you want to see a tough guy kicking ass in the Louisiana bayou... and you love the word "Mercy."

 

Really?: 1) Considering the villains are all either Cajun cowboys, or black dudes, I have to say that Losado (Jeroen Krabbe) looks a wee bit out of place with slicked-back hair and a shoulder-padded trenchcoat he never once removes. Oh, and he can bust through walls?!?! 2) Holy shit, how many times does Kim Bassinger scream?  3) So, Gilette's boss simply hands him a suitcase filled with firearms and basically tells him to have fun?

Rating: For an action-thriller, No Mercy is pretty thin on plot – it starts out with a great premise (a couple of Chicago cops bust a drug dealer, and then pretend to be Windy City hitmen), and pretty quickly degenerates into a whole lot of Gere and Bassinger running away from bad guys as the leading lady screams her head off the entire time. That said, the two leads share some undeniable energy, and the film delivers some decent action sequences. 6/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091637/?ref_=rvi_tt

In Harm's Way (1965)

December 7: a day that will live in infamy! Please click the links to read my review of Tora! Tora! Tora!, as well as that other John Wayne/Kirk Douglas collaboration, The War Wagon. 

Synopsis: Hmm.... a star-studded, but overly long drama about the War in the Pacific... the hero is a macho Republican who plays a senior officer that doesn’t get along with his estranged son, who is also in uniform... oh my God – it’s Midway, in glorious black and white! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Producer-director Otto Preminger’s epic treatment of the bombing of Pearl Harbour details the devastating sneak attack on the Naval base as well as the explosive behind the scenes stories.” 

What Did I Learn?:  According to Burgess Meredith, by the early 1940s, American women were: “smokin' cigarettes, drinkin' whiskey, doin' the shimmy-sham-shimmy, hot damn!”

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see a boozy Burgess Meredith.

 

Really?: 1) So wait – the obviously troubled, but super-cool and likeable Commander Eddington (Kirk Douglas) winds up raping a young girl? And Rock Torrey’s (John Wayne) asshole son does a face-turn and winds up being a nice, young man and a real American hero? What the fuck? 2) Funny how the scummy Commander Neal Owynn simply fucks off after Eddington slaps him. Come to think of it, Admiral Broderick doesn’t give Torrey any real trouble either, even though that’s what the audience has been expecting. 3) Wow – they were still making black and white films in 1965? 4) If this film depicts the battle for Guadalcanal, in the Solomon Islands, why the made-up names? What's that about?

Rating: Generally speaking, I’m not crazy about John Wayne’s non-Westerns (I think he was terrible in The Longest Day), but he delivers a pretty good performance in In Harm’s Way, and he enjoys some nice chemistry with Meredith, Douglas, Henry Fonda, Carroll O’Connor, as well as romantic chemistry with Patricia Neal. Unfortunately, at 165 minutes, the movie is far too long (the sub-plot involving Mac McConnel should have been axed), the political/bureaucratic issues facing Torrey simply melt away, and by the third hour certain characters seem to adopt entirely different personalities. Meh. 6/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059309/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Lemmon and Matthau Movie #7  

Synopsis:  Network cameraman fakes an injury on the football field, and... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Harry Hinkle (Jack Lemmon) is one lucky guy! When he’s accidentally clobbered by a 220-pound halfback, all Harry suffers is a slight concussion. All, that is, until Whiplash Willie (Walter Matthau) – a legal scoundrel of the first order – arrives on the scene!”

What Did I Learn?:  If you’re pretty sure a scummy private eye is filming you from across the street, you might want to keep the curtains closed. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You figure it must be a two-hour-long infomercial for this.

 

Really?:  1) First of all, I’m guessing that “Boom Boom” has been playing football for a number of years, and would have come to the realization that people sometimes get hurt during games in his teens. More importantly, Boom Boom doesn’t know that Harry is faking, so it seems incredibly reckless of Harry to accept Boom Boom’s offer to play nurse/butler/cook for long stretches of time. Come to think of it, couldn’t Boom Boom have simply hired somebody to help out Harry? He’s a pro football player, for crying out loud! 2) Wow.... they were still making black and white movies in 1966? 3) So, Harry spends what – weeks in a wheelchair, and then decides to throw it all away when he’s clearly goaded into anger by a scummy private eye? 3) It seems to me that the NFL/Cleveland Browns/CBS would have realized years earlier that football is a violent game, and might have prepared some sort of action plan in advance – maybe getting the cameramen to sign waivers? At the very least, I imagine a lawyer for the big corporations would show up fairly soon afterwards with a big cheque. 4) Um... Willie and Harry are ok with the scummy private detective illegally bugging and filming Harry’s apartment? Couldn’t Willie have gone to the press with this information, or tacked on a harassment charge, or something? (See: “What Did I Learn?”)

Rating: I wanted to like The Fortune Cookie a lot more than I did; while Matthau delivers a wonderful performance as slippery lawyer Willie Gingrich, he’s off-screen for long stretches of the film. Without him, and when the focus becomes milquetoast Harry in a wheelchair, The Fortune Cookie gets boring, quickly. (See: "Synopsis"). Oh - and it doesn’t help that it gets increasingly difficult to believe certain plot points. This was the first Lemmon-Matthau collaboration, and in my opinion, it’s also the weakest. I cannot recommend this movie. 5/10 stars. 

Would it Work For a Bad Movie Night?: No, but take a drink every time Matthau says “will you relax?”, or some variation of that message.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060424/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Grumpier Old Men (1995)

Lemmon and Matthau Movie #6  

Synopsis: It’s basically Grumpy Old Men in the summertime, with yet another strangely desperate attractive older lady. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The more things change, the more they hilariously stay the same in Wabasha, Minnesota.” 

What Did I Learn?:  Smoking lots of cigarettes, eating nothing but bacon, and drinking your dinner every night will allow you to live to the ripe old age of 95 – but no older. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You love the idea of cashing in on an ill-conceived sequel.

 

Really?: 1) So, are the Gustafsons Lutheran? Is Max Goldman Jewish? Are the Ragetis Catholic? I realize we live in a fairly secular age, but I imagine folks might take religion a bit more seriously in small town Minnesota than in Hollywood. 2) Um... what was the point of killing off Burgess Meredith’s character? He’s the funniest dude in this film. 3) So, did the restaurant take off? Did it flop? This plot point is introduced early on, and everyone seems to promptly forget about it. 4) Um... Goldman has a video camera pointed into Gustafson’s living room, and he tapes his buddy as he poses nude for a sculpture? Gee... that’s just plain creepy. 

Rating: Grumpier Old Men is essentially a rehash of Grumpy Old Men (see “Synopsis”) with slightly more colourful scenery and a hot, older chick for Matthau. It’s not quite a bad movie, but we’ve seen it all before, right down to the 20-minute segment when the two Grumpies even suspend their friendship and return to playing pranks on each other; heck, Lemmon and Matthau even briefly revisit their Odd Couple fame when Gustafson moves in with Goldman for a few hours. I’m going to deduct half a star for a lack of originality. 5.5/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113228/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Grumpy Old Men (1993)

Lemmon and Matthau Movie #5 (Gaaa – I HATE it when my movie themes overlap into a second month!)

Synopsis: Weird old farts quarrel over the world’s most desperate attractive older lady. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Next-door neighbours John Gustafson and Max Goldman are Grumpy Old Men. And since they’re played by Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau, they’re also Funny Old Men.” 

What Did I Learn?: If you ever find yourself hopelessly in debt to Uncle Sam, you can always count on the next-door neighbour you’ve addressed as “moron” each day for the past 50 years to come to your rescue. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You've always wanted to see Lemmon and Matthau play, um.... Evans and Novak?

 

Really?: So wait – Ariel (Ann-Margret) is an attractive university professor, who could presumably date any number of eligible older (or even younger) men, and she only has eyes for the lonely old widower across the street? Oh, and I had a bit of trouble believing Jacob would allow his father to be hit with a small avalanche of falling ice and snow as part of a series of tit-for-tat pranks. See “What Did I Learn?” 

Rating: Grumpy Old Men has a few laughs, but it’s basically 104 minutes of Lemmon and Matthau calling each other “moron” and “dickhead” while they attempt to romance the new neighbour who apparently has no other suitors. Meh. 6/10 stars. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107050/?ref_=nv_sr_1