Peter's Friends (1992)

Synopsis: It’s a next-generation Big Chill, where everyone is still self-absorbed and douchey, but British.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Peter (Stephen Fry) and his best friends met in college as members of a comedy troupe. Ten years later, he calls them all together to ring in 1992 at his newly inherited mansion.”

What Did I Learn?: Ladies, if the guy you like informs you he isn’t “in the vagina business” you may wish to keep searching.

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe sex and comedy go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Really?: Funny how a weekend getaway in the country can fix all of the deep-seated emotional problems of a couple dealing with the death of a child.

Rating: I’ve been a fan of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie ever since they starred in those wonderful Jeeves and Wooster productions two decades ago, and they certainly deliver some excellent entertainment in Peter’s Friends. The film has some funny moments (as well as an impressive '80s and '90s soundtrack), but it would be a stretch to call it a comedy. Instead, it’s a nice, human drama about old friends reconnecting to find they all have problems. Highly recommended. 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105130/

The Dead Pool (1988)

Dirty Harry Movie #5

Synopsis: Clint Eastwood puts the “poo” in Dead Pool.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “What happens when you put criminal scum behind bars? You become famous, that’s what. TV people want sound bites for the evening news. Writers want your life story. And sleazoid creeps want you dead.”

What Did I Learn?: When you make a cop movie, it’s generally a good idea to allow the villain to appear a bit sooner than an hour into the picture.

You Might Like This Movie If: You aren’t paying attention and think it’s an episode of In Living Color.

Really?: 1) Apparently, San Francisco lost its entire African-American population after Sudden Impact, because – unlike all of the other Dirty Harry films - I don’t remember seeing any black characters in this movie. And it’s so politically correct that even the hoods who rob a restaurant in Chinatown are white. 2) Once again, you can’t hit anything with an Uzi sub-machinegun. 2a) Harry and Samantha are in a glass elevator – they’re sitting ducks, yet neither receive so much as a scratch, and Harry is even able to pick off the shooters with his .44. 2b) Ok, you’ve just fired a volley of machinegun fire into Harry’s car, causing it to flip on its side. The smart next move would be to keep shooting and get the gas tank to explode. Getting on top of the car and peering inside isn’t such a hot idea. 3) If Lou Genero is such a big shot mafia boss, wouldn’t he simply kill the musclehead prison inmate Harry uses to intimidate him? 4) Does Harry ever bother to...you know...arrest anyone before he opens fire?

Rating: The Dead Pool is both an atrocious film and an unworthy ending to the Dirty Harry story. This movie has nearly all of the flaws of Sudden Impact (especially the Sledge Hammer-ish self-parody) along with laughably bad action sequences (don’t get me started on Harry driving away from a remote-controlled toy car bomb, or his use of a harpoon gun at the end), poor writing and cartoonish characters. Clint basically sleepwalks through this surprisingly low-budget turd, while Liam Neeson looks embarrassed to be on screen. Oh – and I had to listen to “Welcome to the Jungle” not once, but twice. Ugh. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars.

 

Would it Work for a BAD MOVIE NIGHT?: Maybe... but it's not so outrageously awful that it's funny, so much as boring and dumb.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094963/

 

Sudden Impact (1983)

Dirty Harry Movie #4

Synopsis: Go ahead, make another pointless sequel.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “San Francisco homicide detective Harry Callahan doesn’t just stop crime; he stops it dead. In fact, he’s left so many cadavers around that his superiors, sensitive to outcries of ‘police brutality’, send him on assignment to San Paulo until things cool down. But wherever Harry goes, things just get hotter.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Nobody puts ketchup on a hotdog. 2) Many things can happen to dogshit.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Dirty Harry would never, ever rip off a vice cop.

Really?: 1) So wait...a foul-mouthed lesbian helps her lowlife male friends rape a couple of young girls? That sounds terribly contrived. 2) Um..how does Harry know that Jennifer (Sondra Locke) and the bad guys are at the amusement park near the end of the movie? 3) Wow...the very minute Harry drives into San Paulo the bank gets robbed. What are the odds of that happening? 4) Gee...I guess you can’t hit anything with two Uzi sub-machineguns. 5) Oh man...Harry has two – count’em two – Molotov cocktails thrown into his car, and instead of...oh, I don’t know...stopping and running away from a likely explosion, he keeps driving, grabs one, and throws it at his attackers? 6) How many times is Harry attacked by thugs, only to be later chastised by a superior: “I’ve got the Mayor breathing down my neck, and this is your idea of a vacation?” 7) There’s a long camera shot of a unicorn horn on a merry-go-round during the final confrontation...any guesses as to how that horn is employed?

Rating: Sudden Impact is a weak entry in the Dirty Harry franchise, and a borderline BAD MOVIE for a few reasons: a) it gets increasingly difficult to sympathize with Jennifer’s lust for revenge (especially after she kills the hardware store owner), and b) sub-plots come and go – Harry is hunted down by the mob until they apparently lose interest mid-way through the movie after he picks off experienced hitmen like lint balls off his suit jacket. Sudden Impact’s biggest problem, though, is that it quickly descends into Sledge Hammer-ish self-parody; I’m sorry, but I simply couldn’t take seriously the scene of Harry returning to the diner after receiving a sickly-sweet cup of coffee. 5.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086383/

 

The Enforcer (1976)

Dirty Harry Movie #4

Synopsis: Plucky dame and grumpy killing machine strike up unlikeliest friendship since Richie Cunningham met the Fonz.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Clint Eastwood’s third go-round as Det. Harry Callahan matches him with a new partner, Tyne Daly as Inspector Kate Moore, who has two jobs: tracking down a band of armed-and-wacko terrorists – and winning Harry’s confidence.”

What Did I Learn?: Personnel is for assholes.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted to see (or hear) the more caring and sensitive side of Dirty Harry.

Really?: 1) I had a hard time believing Harry could simply drive an unmarked police car through a store window to bust a hostage-taking and not get fired, or face criminal charges. 2) So, if the terrorist plot is to kidnap the mayor and hold him for ransom, why did they bomb the men’s room in the police department? 3) The terrorists are hiding out in Alcatraz? Are we supposed to seriously believe that America’s most famous prison was simply abandoned after shutting its doors? 4) Wait – Harry and Kate Moore take on the terrorists all by themselves without calling in for some backup, while the authorities are completely willing to surrender to the terrorist demands? Come on....

Rating: The Enforcer is probably the most mainstream of the Dirty Harry films; there’s a lot more humour, a lot less right-wing social commentary, and the action scenes are well done - it's basically a 1970s Lethal Weapon. Eastwood and Daly share some on-screen chemistry (albeit non-romantic), and while the film is enjoyable, the final two-person assault on Alcatraz is a bit tough to believe. 7.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074483/

Magnum Force (1973)

Dirty Harry Movie #3

Synopsis: One-man-killing-machine cop takes on police department vigilante death squad because... um.... why does Harry do that?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Magnum Force’s raw-edged action finds Harry taking on an unusual kind of criminal: the kind who carries a badge. Sharpshooting motorcycle policemen have turned vigilante.”

What Did I Learn?: You can get away with insulting your boss as long as you’re really, really good at what you do, and you volunteer for all the shit jobs.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted to watch the opening credits that inspired the opening credits to ABC’s short-lived Sledge Hammer TV series.  

Really?: 1) I realize it’s 1973, but did hot chicks really approach strange men and ask: “what do I have to do to go to bed with you?” 2) Why would the bad cops put a timer on the bomb when it’s supposed to go off as soon as Harry opens his mailbox? 3) So wait...Harry’s plan to foil a hijacking is to pose as a pilot, taxi around the runway, hit the brakes and grab one of the hijacker’s guns? Come on... 4) Funny how all those crack-shot rookies never come close to hitting Harry when they shoot at him. 5) So, Sweet was “sacrificed” by the top villain for the greater good of the death squad? Instead of inserting all of those pointless sub-plots into the film (the hijacking, the pimp and his lady in the taxicab, etc...) how about showing the dynamics within the group? I doubt the other members would have been terribly happy about this decision. 6) The ending still smells like bullshit...the top villain gets the drop on Harry AFTER HE HAS KILLED THREE (bad) COPS and instead of shooting him, he wants to turn him in? Even if he believes no jury would believe Harry, he would still get to tell his story and the FBI would start investigating. No way this would happen. No way.

Rating: Magnum Force is a good, but not great sequel to Dirty Harry. While Harry usually goes into battle against gangsters, serial killers, armed hippies and the liberal justice system, this time he takes on the ‘extreme right’ (as well as gangsters and hijackers) in the form of a gang of vigilante cops. At 123 minutes, Magnum Force is a bit too long (it’s actually the longest film of the series) and it drags a bit by the end. 7/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070355/

Dirty Harry (1971)

Dirty Harry Movie #1

Synopsis: Trigger-happy lunatic terrorizes San Francisco...oh yeah, there’s a serial killer out there, too.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Harry Callahan is a tough, streetwise San Francisco cop whom they call Dirty Harry. In this classic film, you’ll see why.”

What Did I Learn?: When a movie character announces he has a degree in sociology, you can be pretty sure he’s going to receive a rude awakening about the “real world”.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know it’s never easy to be Harry Callahan’s partner.

Really?: 1) Wow...Harry recovers from that savage beating rather quickly! 2) Ok, I can understand how the evidence against Scorpio could be thrown out because Harry didn’t have a search warrant, but couldn’t the cops charge him with assaulting a police officer (when Harry delivers the ransom cash) and attempted murder when Scorpio shoots at Chico?

Rating: Dirty Harry might be a bit dated, but it’s an otherwise enjoyable, action-packed morality play about the US justice system in the early 1970s. Eastwood is cool under pressure, while Andrew Robinson (better known as Garak on Deep Space Nine) delivers a magnificent performance as the ultra-creepy Scorpio. Dirty Harry is fairly right-wing in its take on liberal judges and the need to put the rights of victims ahead of the rights of criminals; heck, at one point, Harry even tortures an injured Scorpio, and it’s tough to condemn his actions, considering it might be the only means of finding a 14-year old girl who’s about to suffocate. Whether you agree with the tough-on-crime/law-and-order approach or not, Dirty Harry is worth watching at least once. 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0066999/

Tightrope (1984)

Not a Dirty Harry Movie #2

Synopsis: Pervy Harry

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Two men, lured by the promise of kinky sex, prowl the steamy streets of New Orleans' French Quarter. One is a cop. The other is a killer. Clint Eastwood stars as Wes Block, a cop teetering on a Tightrope that separates the man he strives to be from the man he fears he is.”

What Did I Learn?: Telling a woman you would like to lick the sweat off her back will get you into her pants, every time.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that if you ever find yourself teetering on a tightrope, you probably need some professional help.

Really?: 1) See “What Did I Learn?”. 2) What does Block have against calling for backup? Good Lord, the killer invades his home, and Block orders his daughters to hide in the closet, instead of...oh, I don’t know – CALLING THE COPS? Same thing when he discovers the killer is knocking off his girlfriend’s bodyguards; Does he report this to the police station? Noooooooo...he just speeds towards her house and hopes he makes it there in the nick of time. 3) So wait – Block busted the killer 11 years earlier? Wouldn’t he notice the guy’s name on list of Dixie Brewery employees? Isn’t it a stretch for him to follow a hunch, based on an old newspaper clipping? 4) If the killer is nursing a grudge against Block, why doesn’t he go after him and his family instead of wasting all that time killing prostitutes?

Rating: Tightrope is not one of Clint Eastwood’s better cop movies. It’s far too slow, there’s almost no action until near the end, the scenes of the prostitutes getting murdered are pointless and trashy, and Clint seems far too busy getting his knob polished to do any real detective work. And why cover the killers’s face with a series of masks if he’s a nobody to the audience? Since the movie deals with the duality between the killer’s desires and Block’s libido, I’m surprised nobody considered either making Eastwood the murderer, or at least letting the audience wonder if it might be him. Unfortunately, Tightrope is simply a forgettable, and by-the-numbers serial killer thriller. 6/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088272/

The Gauntlet (1977)

Not a Dirty Harry Movie #1 (as a longtime Clint Eastwood fan, I cringed when he delivered that weird, disjointed speech at the Republican National Convention a few nights ago. I wanted to remember Clint’s better moments, so I figured I would review his Dirty Harry films, and maybe also his post-spaghetti westerns in October or November. Clint doesn’t play Harry Callahan in either The Gauntlet, or in Tightrope, but he is an urban cop, so what the heck – let’s review them, anyway).   

Synopsis: Dirty Harry gets drunk, hijacks a bus, installs protective armour and becomes B.A. Baracus.

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Phoenix cop Ben Shockley’s dream of breaking ‘the big case’ has faded over time. His assignment to escort from Las Vegas ‘a nothing witness for a nothing trial’ seems like another meaningless exercise. Until the fireworks start.”

What Did I Learn?: Ladies, if you want to stop a gang of crazed bikers from beating the crap out of your man, flash your tits.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted to see Clint Eastwood look a bit out of it.

Really?: 1) So, the Las Vegas cops can fire thousands of rounds into Mally’s (Sondra Locke) home – some of them inches away from Shockley’s head – and he never receives so much as a scratch? 2) Why don’t the tires on the bus deflate until right after the Phoenix cops stop shooting at the bus? And why didn’t somebody think of stopping the bus by shooting the tires? 3) So, nearly every cop in Phoenix stand around, impassively as the police commissioner clearly commits attempted murder, and then Mally not only blows him away, but she and Shockley walk off into the sunset together? 4) If the mob has contacts in both the Phoenix and Las Vegas police departments, I’m a bit surprised Shockley wouldn’t consider surrendering himself to the FBI and explaining his side of the story. 5) Why in the world would the mob provide gambling odds on a hit they’re about to perform? I can’t imagine Tony Soprano doing anything like that.

Rating: Clint Eastwood basically plays a slightly-dumber and much-drunker version of Dirty Harry in The Gauntlet. It’s more of a shoot-em-up/car-chase action thriller than a cop movie, and we see some genuine chemistry between then-real life couple Eastwood and Locke. The Gauntlet is an enjoyable romp through the desert, and a great popcorn movie, so long as you don’t ask too many hard questions about the plot, or the continuity between scenes. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076070/

 

Eddie Murphy RAW (1987)

 

 

Synopsis: Smartass in lavender leather jumpsuit informs audience that men are idiots, women are devious and vindictive, white people can’t dance, Italians take the Rocky films far too seriously, and Mr. T isn’t terribly bright.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Uncensored. Uncut. Irresistible. Raw, the record-setting #1 concert fim of all time, is Eddie Murphy doing what he does best: making people laugh.”

What Did I Learn?: According to Eddie Murphy (and probably Johnny Carson, as well), no pussy is worth $150 million.

You Might Like This Movie If: You always wanted to see Theo Huxtable tell Cliff to fuck off.

Really?: I have to wonder how Eddie’s dad felt about being portrayed on stage as a verbally abusive drunk.

Rating: Eddie Murphy Raw is an entertaining follow-up to Delirious, although the opening sketch (featuring a then-unknown Samuel L. Jackson and a pre-Fresh Prince of Bel Air Tatyana Ali) is pointless, stupid and awful, and the camera work is sub-par. We miss Eddie’s feet as he attempts the moonwalk, for crying out loud! 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092948/

Eddie Murphy Delirious (1983)

Synopsis: Smartass in red leather jumpsuit gets audience to laugh at exaggerated celebrity impressions and tales of domestic violence.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Don’t look for old ‘Saturday Night Live’ routines here – Eddie’s act is completely new, razor sharp and definitely for adults only.”

What Did I Learn?:  1) Ronald Reagan wasn’t a particularly popular fellow among Eddie Murphy fans in August, 1983. 2) Even black Americans had no idea what James Brown was talking about, most of the time.

You Might Like This Movie If: you want to re-live the days when Michael Jackson’s name was just starting to become a punchline.

Really?: 1) For a man who joked that he was afraid of gay people, Eddie seemed awfully obsessed about the genitalia of African-American men and, um... shoving things up people’s butts. 2) Wait – did Eddie admit to hitting a girlfriend, once? 3) Eddie thinks Ricky Ricardo (Desi Arnaz) was cool?

Rating: Parts of Eddie Murphy’s stand-up act might seem a bit dated today (or even labelled as “hate speech”), but Delirious is pretty funny (albeit extremely raunchy) stuff and well worth watching. 8/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085474/

We Were Soldiers (2002)

Vietnam War Movie #13

Synopsis: Mel Gibson affects southern drawl and demonstrates he’s more crazy-dangerous than the Viet Cong, the NVA and all them commie bastards put together!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Mel Gibson and Randall Wallace, the star and writer of Braveheart, reunite for this action-packed war movie that features explosive battle sequences, thrilling aerial photography and unforgettable military heroes who fought for their country, their loved ones and their freedom.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Custer was a pussy. 2) If your wife just had a baby, don’t go to Vietnam with Mel Gibson...just don’t. 3) When your men are outnumbered and completely surrounded by the enemy, your best course of action is to...um...charge right ahead?!

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Mel Gibson has an amazing command of the English language.

Really?: 1) It’s amazing how Colonel Moore (Gibson) and Sgt.-Major Plumley (Sam Elliott) can walk around the battlefield, completely upright, and neither man receives so much as a scratch. 2) So wait, Moore spends nearly a year in ‘Nam before he comes home – unannounced in a taxi cab – and rings his own doorbell? Come on...

Rating: We Were Soldiers is far more akin to Saving Private Ryan or The Thin Red Line than any of the other Vietnam war movies I have reviewed; it isn’t blatant propaganda in the mold of John Wayne’s The Green Berets (which I would love to review at some point), but it is quietly patriotic, and infused with the “I fight for my brothers in arms” message of late-1990s/2000s war movies  - it’s tough to imagine a movie like this ever could have been made in the 1970s or 1980s. We Were Soldiers is an entertaining (albeit gory, and sometimes depressing) film, although it never shows the dark side of America’s involvement in Vietnam, or delves into the reasons for why it couldn’t win. 7.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0277434/

 

 

A Bright Shining Lie (1998)

Vietnam War Movie #12

Synopsis: Philandering boy scout encounters one high-ranking idiot after another as he tries to single-handedly win unpopular war.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “One man’s story through a decade of war, villages taken and lost, lovers taken and lost, the truth corrupted, lives destroyed – and saved. This is the story of a man transformed as brutally as the war transformed two nations.”

What Did I Learn?: Your wife may not share your childlike enthusiasm if you return home and joyously exclaim: “honey, I’m going to Vietnam!”

You Might Like This Movie If: You love bright and shiny things.

Really?: 1) Did the real Vann really slap an ARVN colonel in front of his men? That sounds counter-productive at best, and potentially dangerous at worst. 2) So wait – we learn that Vann banged a 15-year old babysitter a few years earlier, and we’re still supposed to sympathize with him? That’s just creepy.

Rating: A Bright Shining Lie is an interesting companion movie to Go Tell the Spartans and We Were Soldiers, as it deals with America’s involvement in Vietnam from the early 1960s until Vann’s death in 1972. In spite of its low budget (the film was made for HBO), A Bright Shining Lie offers an engaging and watchable look at a troubled-yet-talented warrior. My big complaint would be the film’s mixed political message. While the smart and enlightened characters in this movie (Neil Sheehan and the other reporters, and “Doug Elders”/Daniel Ellsberg) are all against the war, Vann remains very much gung-ho (although highly critical of Westmoreland and Washington’s handling of things), and the viewer is left with a nagging sense that he could have achieved victory in Vietnam if he had his way. Was Vann correct, or was he deluding himself. The film version of Sheehan’s book never really answers those questions. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126220/

 

The Deer Hunter (1978)

Vietnam War Movie #11

Synopsis: Suspiciously-mature-looking soldiers get hooked on world’s worst casino game.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Winner of five Academy Awards including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Supporting Actor (Christopher Walken), this critically acclaimed, extraordinarily powerful motion picture tracks a group of steelworker pals from a Pennsylvania blast furnace to the cool hunting grounds of the Alleghenies to the lethal cauldron of Vietnam.”

What Did I Learn?: If you ever decide to get your jollies by forcing captives to playing Russian roulette, don’t let them put more than one round into the cylinder to “play each other”.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Christopher Walken’s unique delivery can jazz up any story.

Really?: 1) Holy shit, how long is that wedding ceremony and reception...an hour? 2) Aren’t De Niro, Walken and Savage a bit old to be playing freshly-recruited grunts? (If they’re supposed to be Army reservists – De Niro has sergeant’s stripes, while Walken is a corporal – this isn’t made clear, and wouldn’t they have been called up for service long before this?) 3) I had a great deal of trouble believing De Niro would pay thousands of dollars to play Russian roulette (or test a round!) even if he wanted to talk some sense into Walken. 4) Obviously, the Viet Cong and the NVA did some truly sadistic things to American GIs, but is there one documented case of anyone being forced to play Russian roulette? Considering the script started out as a screenplay about gamblers headed to Vegas to play this game, the whole thing smells like bullshit to me.

Rating: Much like The Maltese Falcon, this film was a tough review for me. While The Deer Hunter is considered to be a classic (it won Best Picture, and a shitload of other Oscars), I have to admit that I don’t particularly like it. Yes, it is beautifully filmed, and both De Niro and Walken deliver outstanding performances. That said, the movie is far too long and it feels that way – the wedding reception, the first deer hunt, and the funeral just go on and on. More importantly, I simply didn’t believe any of the Russian roulette stuff, either in the POW holding pens, or in Saigon, and I couldn’t believe that De Niro or Walken would behave the way they do. 6.5/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077416/

Casualties of War (1989)

Vietnam War Movie # 10

Synopsis: Worst Back to the Future sequel ever!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Hailed by critics as a masterpiece, CASUALTIES OF WAR is based on the true story of soldiers caught in the moral quagmire of wartime Vietnam. Witness to a vile crime, Private Ericksson (Michael J. Fox, BACK TO THE FUTURE) is forced to stand alone against his fellow soldiers and commanding officer Sergeant Meserve (Sean Penn, WE’RE NO ANGELS, COLORS), a powerful and charismatic man pushed over the edge of barbarism by the terror and brutality of combat.”

What Did I Learn?: The word “man” ought to be used sparingly when writing dialogue set in the 1960s.

You Might Like This Movie If: You think Michael J. Fox does his best work overseas.

Really?: 1) What are the odds that one of Eriksson’s (Fox) fellow soldiers would idly mention the possibility that they could be standing on top of a Viet Cong tunnel, only to suddenly become stuck half-way between the tunnel ceiling and the jungle floor? That seems a bit much. 2) So wait – Eriksson somehow hits a Viet Cong grenade with a lucky shot from his M-79 grenade launcher?

Rating: Casualties of War is a very mediocre Vietnam movie with a number of problems: the plot is highly derivative of Platoon, Michael J. Fox is hopelessly miscast as a green-but-tough army grunt (I kept thinking “Alex P. Keaton/Marty McFly goes to war!”), the highly repetitive musical score sounds a LOT like the score from Once Upon a Time in America (Ennio Morricone did both), and the dialogue is simply atrocious: Fox either shakes his head and says things like: “this ain’t the Army, Sarge”, or he editorializes – more than once - about right and wrong. Oh, and speaking of highly repetitive, nearly every sentence employs the word “man”. That’s just lazy writing. 5.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097027/

Hearts of Darkness (2001)

Vietnam War Movie #9 (ok, it’s not really a Vietnam War movie...it’s a movie ABOUT a Vietnam War movie).

Synopsis: Bungle in the jungle.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Featuring dramatic, never-before-seen on-the-set footage and recent interviews with the director, cast and crew, ‘HEARTS OF DARKNESS’ provides a fascinating glimpse into the madness and the magic behind the scenes of this epic production as it spiralled out of control and turned into a filmmaking nightmare.”

What Did I Learn?: If you have a finished movie script, and you’ve mortgaged your home and all of your possessions, you might not want to re-cast your leading role mid-way through, write entirely new scenes late into the night, or allow your actors to improvise that crucial, last confrontation because you don’t exactly know how to end the fucking film.

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe there’s nothing better than a low-budget documentary about the work of Francis Ford Coppola. (This clip is awful, by the way)

Really?: 1) So wait – Eleanor Coppola recorded her husband without his knowledge, and she didn’t think that might have been creepy or unethical? 2) Hmm...so Apocalypse Now is running way over-time and over-budget and FFC is concerned about the temperature of the wine, and even prepared to fly in real Frenchmen from France during the rubber plantation scene?

Rating: Documentaries about movie-making are often hit-or-miss; anything related to the making of Star Wars soon devolves into “blue screens” and special effects. At their worst, such “documentaries” become marketing videos like Secrets of the Back to the Future Trilogy, or the Star Trek 25th Anniversary Special. Hearts of Darkness is more akin to The Kid Stays in the Picture: it’s an interesting, and often unflattering look Francis Ford Coppola making of a masterpiece. If you enjoy movies, it makes for a fascinating companion piece to Apocalypse Now. 8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102015/

 

Apocalypse Now Redux (1979 / 2001)

Vietnam War Movie #8

Synopsis: Whackjob filmmaker adds 49 additional minutes to already-long psychedelic war picture...the horror! The horror!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “The definitive version of Francis Ford Coppola’s stunning vision of the heart of darkness in all of us, re-edited and re-mastered with 49 minutes of additional footage. Nominated for 8 Academy Awards, this classic and compelling Vietnam war epic stars Martin Sheen as Lieutenant Willard, who is sent on a dangerous and mesmerizing odyssey into Cambodia to assassinate a renegade Colonel named Kurtz (Marlon Brando), who has succumbed to the horrors of war and barricaded himself in a remote outpost.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Charlie’s idea of rest and relaxation is a bowl of cold rice and a nice piece of rat meat. 2) Never get off the boat. 3) It’s a bad sign when you ask: “who’s your commanding officer?” and receive the reply: “ain’t you?”

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe helicopters and Wagner go together like peanut butter and jelly.

 

Really?: 1) Did Colonels ever base their plans of attack on local Vietnamese surfing conditions? 2) Chef sure made a lot of noise traipsing around the jungle as he and Willard scavenged for mangoes... it’s a good thing they only run into a tiger rather than the VC. 3) Were American firebases really lit up like Christmas trees? 4) How in the world did those French colonists manage to defend their rubber plantation from the Viet Cong, let alone make it profitable, receive news from the outside world and even stock up on good wine? 5) So, Willard completes his mission, and the local tribes suddenly worship him, rather than tear him to shreds? That’s a convenient way to end the movie on a high note.

Rating: Apocalypse Now Redux is a bit too long (thanks to the aforementioned extra 49 minutes of footage), and it’s obviously not a realistic portrayal of combat in Vietnam, but it is a top-notch film with a lot of excellent performances (especially by Robert Duvall as a batshit crazy helicopter cavalry colonel, but watch for a VERY young Laurence Fishburne). The movie is meant to be somewhat surrealistic, but the additional footage of the Playboy bunnies and the French rubber plantation made it tougher for me to suspend my sense of disbelief. I would probably give the original, 1979 Apocalypse Now an even 10/10 stars; Apocalypse Now Redux is still highly recommended, however, with 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078788/

 

Tigerland (2001)

Vietnam War Movie #7 (ok, it’s set entirely in basic training, but the characters are all getting trained for ‘Nam)

Synopsis: Smartass recruit and pals find terror and violence await them in Vietnam... um...Louisiana!?

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “Just released from the base stockade, recruit Roland Bozz (Colin Farrell) joins a platoon of young soldiers preparing to ship out from Vietnam. Bozz’s independence and outright defiance draws fire from his own men as well as commanding officers. But when a platoon is sent to Tigerland, a hellish training ground that is the last stop before Vietnam, Bozz’s leadership and loyalty bring his men together – triggering extraordinary consequences.”

What Did I Learn?: When a drill instructor teaches you how to interrogate a Viet Cong prisoner using live electrodes, he probably doesn’t wish to hear the words: “why would I want to do that on a fellow human being?”

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that any movie with the word “tiger” in the title must be pretty scary stuff.

Really?: So wait – Bozz refuses to follow an order during basic training, walks off, and the drill sergeant not only lets him address him by his first name but shares a cigarette with the defiant recruit?!

Rating: Tigerland isn’t exactly a Vietnam War movie, but it is an interesting character-driven drama about a tough non-conformist who questions authority and disturbs shit during basic training – imagine Cool Hand Luke Joins the Army. Farrell is quite good as Pvt. Bozz, and there are more than a few funny moments in Tigerland, although it isn’t a comedy by any stretch. 8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0170691/

Go Tell the Spartans (1978)

Vietnam War Movie #6

Synopsis: Stretched-thin team of American advisors repeat all of the same mistakes as their French predecessors... well, except for appreciating Jerry Lewis.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Academy Award-winner BURT LANCASTER delivers the finest performance of his illustrious career as a hard-boiled major in command of a grubby Vietnam outpost in this classic film of wartime confrontation.”

What Did I Learn?: If your asshole interpreter tells you that nice family you just met - and allowed into your camp - are in fact Viet Cong, you might want to listen to him.

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to see Burt Lancaster go after the Viet Cong with the same gusto he displayed when he took on...um, the phone company.

Really?: 1) Um...isn’t Burt Lancaster a little old to be playing a Major? 2) Near the beginning, Major Barker (Lancaster) stops the asshole interpreter from waterboarding a suspected VC agent on the grounds that “he can’t tell you anything if he’s dead.” I wonder if Dick Cheney ever watched this film. 3) it’s strange that Clyde Kusatsu plays a unilingual Vietnamese colonel, when he was perfectly capable of speaking accent-free English...heck, he sometimes did John Wayne impressions on Magnum PI.

Rating: It’s a shame that Go Tell the Spartans is now nearly forgotten, as I consider it to be one of the best movies about the Vietnam War ever made. Set in 1964, it tells the story of a war-weary Major and his increasingly cynical Captain (a pre-V Marc Singer) as they repeat the same mistakes made by the French ten years earlier: too many static defenses and not enough resources. (There are 300 French graves in the French cemetery, hence the reference to the Battle of Thermopylae in the title). Go Tell the Spartans is rather low-budget, and the production values aren’t the greatest, but it’s well-written, well-acted, and it offers some insights into the earlier period of US involvement in Vietnam. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077617/

Good Morning Vietnam (1987)

Vietnam War Movie #5 (War comedies are a rare breed – please click the link to read my review of Catch-22)

Synopsis: Mork goes to ‘Nam.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Manic comedian Robin Williams shakes up 1965 Saigon in the Academy Award-nominated role the critics agree he was born to play – irreverent, non-conformist deejay Adrian Cronauer.”

What Did I Learn?: You can accomplish anything in Vietnam by bribing people with extremely small sums of cash.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy watching Robin Williams upstage...um...everyone else around him.

Really?: 1) Isn’t Robin Williams a little old to be playing a bottom-of-the-ranks Airman? And did he volunteer for military service or was he drafted? And why does Garlick (Forrest Whittaker) insist upon addressing him as “sir” when they’re basically the same rank? 2) So wait... Cronauer’s buddy, Tuan, insists he leave a GI bar just seconds before it’s blown up, and Cronauer never suspects Tuan might have had something to do with it? 3) I’m still not sure how Cronauer is able to play rock music after Lt. Hauk orders him not to do so, or why he only gets suspended rather than court-martialled for reading censored news. 4) So, Cronauer is humiliated and drummed out of the military, and the best he can say is that Sgt.-Major Dickerson needs a blowjob more than any other white man in history? Sorry, but that isn’t funny – it’s lame.

Rating: There are two types of people in this world: those who find Robin Williams’ unique brand of rapid-fire, stream-of-consciousness stand-up comedy to be hilarious (if you’re in this boat, you’ll love Good Morning Vietnam), and those who find Williams to be an obnoxious buffoon. I’m more in the latter category, so this movie left me cold. Good Morning Vietnam isn’t a bad film, but it often seems as though Williams inhabits a totally different movie than his co-stars (they act, while he ad-libs and “performs”), and the scenes of him teaching English to a group of Vietnamese don’t mesh well; they laugh at awful jokes, and the viewer wonders: “is that supposed to be funny?” 6/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093105/

Born on the Fourth of July (1989)

Vietnam War Movie #4 (although not much of it actually takes place in Vietnam)

Synopsis: Tom Cruise passionately convinces a new generation of Americans that patriotism is for chumps.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket:  “Tom Cruise delivers a riveting and unforgettable portrayal of Vietnam veteran Ron Kovic in Oliver Stone’s Academy Award-winning masterpiece.”

What Did I Learn?: The words: “it’s the Fourth of July, and I believe in America” are guaranteed applause-getters at an Independence Day picnic.

You Might Like This Movie If: You love watching Tom Cruise get excited about something. (Yes, it’s that clip)

Really?: It seems a bit strange to me that delegates to the 1972 GOP convention would spit on Kovic, considering the whole thing was televised, and guess what – according to imdb.com, the incident didn’t happen the way it was portrayed. For that matter, neither did the protest in Syracuse, New York – the riot police didn’t swarm anyone or crack Kovic on the head. Once again, Oliver Stone plays fast and loose with the truth in order to sensationalize a scene.

Rating: The second film in Oliver Stone’s Vietnam trilogy, Born on the Fourth of July earned rave reviews from critics, but I can’t get on the bandwagon. At two hours and 25 minutes, it’s too long, there are far too many scenes of Tom Cruise overacting (or worse – singing -  *shudder*), and the dialogue often seems hokey, clichéd, and obvious – I half-expected to see an apple pie in the late-1950s/early 1960s "we were innocent" Americana moments. 6.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096969/

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Vietnam War Movie #3

Synopsis: It’s an hour of “drop and give me 20, you filthy pukes!”, followed by another  hour of “cover me, I’m going in!”

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A superb ensemble case falls in for action in Stanley Kubrick’s brilliant saga about the Vietnam War and the dehumanizing process that turns people into trained killers. Joker (Matthew Modine), Animal Mother (Adam Baldwin), Gomer (Vincent D’Onofrio), Eightball (Dorian Harewood), Cowboy (Arliss Howard) and more – all are plunged into a boot-camp hell pitbulld by a leatherlung D.I. (Lee Ermey) who views the would-be devil dogs as grunts, maggots or something less.”

What Did I Learn?: I’m pretty sure I would last about ten minutes, tops, in the US Marine Corps.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy watching big-name stars running through an obstacle course.

Really?: So wait – Joker’s boss has the power to send him into any war zone in the country, and our hero decides to piss him off with smart ass comments during a staff meeting in the middle of the Tet Offensive?

Rating: Like any Stanley Kubrick film, Full Metal Jacket is beautifully filmed (the scene of Joker mercy-killing the wounded 14-year old female sniper, with his face half in darkness is quite memorable), stylishly directed and compelling. It’s a very good movie, although it seems more like a collection of unconnected short stories than a holistic narrative, and we never get to learn very much about Joker. Lots of style, and more than a few great scenes, but Full Metal Jacket is a bit weak on story and character development. 7/10 stars.   

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/