Platoon (1986)

Vietnam War Movie #1

Synopsis: Charlie Sheen smokes a lot of dope, shoots his sergeant, and somehow makes it through ‘Nam... WINNING!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Seen through the eyes of college drop-out, Chris Taylor (Charlie Sheen), the wars is a real nightmare – a private hell of fears from outside and in – with enemies on both sides of the line.”

What Did I Learn?:  Apparently, if you keep your pecker hard and your powder dry, the world will turn.

You Might Like This Movie If: You miss the days when Charlie Sheen only pretended to be troubled and angry.

Really?: So wait, Sgt. Elias (Willem Dafoe) asks the Commanding Officer to court-martial Sgt. Barnes and Lt. Wolfe, and he nonetheless orders them to work together on a mission? I realize the guy is short-handed and needs every able-bodied soldier, but would a C.O. do that? Couldn’t he have at least put them on opposite ends of the battlefield, or something?

Rating: Platoon is a highly believable and engaging portrayal of the fatigue, constant stress, and sheer terror faced by American soldiers in Vietnam. Platoon won an Oscar for Best Picture in 1986, and while it is an excellent movie, it’s not a fun two hours. Certain scenes are very difficult to watch, especially the near-massacre of the farming village, as well as more than a few battle deaths. Oliver Stone could have used a bit more subtlety, and been a bit kinder to his audience, but he obviously wanted to show the full horror of war. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091763/

Secrets of the Back to the Future Trilogy (1990)

Synopsis: Growing Pains puke hosts clip show for far-more-successful Family Ties puke.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Join host Kirk Cameron as he answers fans’ most asked questions about the Back To The Future trilogy. With a combination of cleverly-edited clips, never-before-seen footage, interviews with star Michael J. Fox, and director Robert Zemekis, Christopher Lloyd, and Mary Steenburgen, the most closely-guarded secrets of the series are revealed.” [The VHS Jacket actually mis-spells “Zemeckis”...wow, somebody was in a rush to get this out the door!]

What Did I Learn?: The Back to the Future trilogy doesn’t have any good secrets.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Kirk Cameron possesses a masterful knowledge of history, and he’s just the guy to discuss the intricacies of time travel.

Really?: I still can’t believe I paid $2 at Value Village for a 21-minute video featuring Kirk-Fucking-Cameron that was marked “Free” on the VHS jacket. This blog is a priority for me, but I must have been on crack at the time.

Rating: The Secrets of the Back to the Future Trilogy is just plain atrocious. Originally aired on television between the release of Back to the Future Part II and Part III (in order to "sell" the latter film and the now-defunct Universal Studios ride) it was re-packaged as a fourth addition to the Back to the Future box set. The “half hour” special consists of 1980s B-list star Cameron answering phony “Dear Back to the Future” letters as a set-up to a series of clips from the films. If you enjoyed the Star Trek 25th Anniversary Special, you’re going to love this turd. 2/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162636/

Cookie's Fortune (1999)

Synopsis: Old lady croaks, ROC goes to jail, and Glenn Close plays yet another unlikeable bitch.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Welcome to Holly Springs... home of murder, mayhem and catfish enchiladas.”

What Did I Learn?: If you wish to look like a pompous idiot, add some additional dialogue to an Oscar Wilde production and then give yourself a writing credit on the stage bill.

You Might Like This Movie If: All you had to read was the word “Cookie”.

Really?: 1) Ok, I could maybe see Camille (Close) covering up Cookie’s suicide to spare the family some embarrassment, but I had a hard time believing she would continue the charade after the police hold Willis (Charles Dutton) for questioning. And Cora (Julianne Moore) just goes along with it all, even after an innocent man is in the slammer? 2) So wait – Emma (Liv Tyler) learns that Camille, not Cora, is her real mother, and she has nothing to say to either woman? Sorry, but I think Robert Altman owes us a scene or two.

Rating: Cookie’s Fortune is one of Robert Altman’s better films. The plot is In the Heat of the Night turned on its head: an elderly Southern white lady is mistakenly thought to have been murdered, and nobody really believes her black, long-time platonic friend did it, including the sympathetic cops, who hold him quite reluctantly. That said, the plot is really just a device to introduce a collection of strange, and sometimes-funny characters who come to life through some inspired performances. Cookie’s Fortune is a nice little movie. 8.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126250/

The Electric Horseman (1979)

Wow...that is one ugly-looking VHS jacket. The graphic designer should have been shot!

Synopsis: Washed-up rodeo puke gets up-close-and-personal with magnificent brunette...oh, and Jane Fonda tags along, too.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “In this rousing romantic adventure, Robert Redford plays an ex-world champion cowboy, reduced to huckstering breakfast food in a suit studded with flashing lights. Jane Fonda is a chic, sharp member of the electronic media, a TV newswoman who’ll do anything to get a good story. When Redford rides out of a Las Vegas casino and into the desert astride his sponsor’s living symbol, a multi-million dollar racehorse, Jane is determined to discover why.”

What Did I Learn?: Smoking a whole bunch of eucalyptus leaves is just the remedy your steed requires to kick his drug habit.

You Might Like This Movie If: You love anything electric.

Really?: 1) I honestly have to wonder how long a pampered racehorse would last in the wilds of Utah. For that matter, if Redford was so concerned about the horse’s welfare, how about blowing the whistle to the media rather than risking jail time? 2) So wait...a horse-napping is enough to derail a bank merger? And the corporate CEO has nothing better to do than to fly around in a helicopter looking for the culprits?

Rating: As I watched The Electric Horseman, I kept thinking: “the makers of Crocodile Dundee totally ripped off of this movie!” Well, the first half of Crockers, anyway: intrepid female reporter falls in love with unsophisticated, rough-around-the-edges country boy as they trek through the wilderness. It’s a good, but not great film, and I would have liked to have seen more of Willie Nelson’s character – he basically disappears once Redford makes his big escape. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079100/

This is Spinal Tap (1984)

My apologies – I WAS going to review Back to the Future, Part III, but soon discovered the VHS tape is broken. It may take awhile, but I will review that movie - along with Crocodile Dundee II, and Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles - once I obtain new copies.

Synopsis: The ad-libbing goes to 11.

 Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “You’ll never be able to watch a rock group seriously again after experiencing this hilarious comedy about a supposed heavy-metal band called Spinal Tap. Once upon a time they had a pretty big hit song. Now, nearly two decades later, Spinal Tap still clings to some glint of their lost glory as they embark on an accident-plagued tour across America.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Boston is NOT a big college town. 2) Wow...Fran Drescher was annoying even before The Nanny.  3) Nobody at a puppet show/rock concert wants to hear a free-form jazz exploration.

You Might Like This Movie If: You respect a band that puts its music first, and would never, ever sell out.

Really?: 1) I had a bit of trouble believing the band would agree to this tour in the first place, considering they’re getting booked into 1,200-1,500 seat arenas instead of 10,000-15,000 seat venues, and more trouble believing they would press on after so many cancellations. But come on – an Air Force base dance, or second-billing at a puppet show? 2) I realize everything changed after 9/11, but did airport security ever have a sense of humour about harmless pranks?

Rating: There are many similarities between This is Spinal Tap and Hard Core Logo, except that it features clueless Brit rockers instead of obnoxious Canadian punks and it’s a whole lot funnier. I can’t say this film is well-written, considering nearly all of the dialogue is improvised, but it is clever, well-acted, and a most enjoyable spoof of the 1980s heavy metal scene. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088258/

Back to the Future Part II (1989)

Synopsis: Blah blah blah...flux capacitor!...blah blah...temporal displacement...blah...alternate timeline...temporal junction point for the entire space-time continuum…blah blah...Great Scot!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd reprise their roles as Marty McFly and Doc Brown in this dazzling new adventure from director Robert Zemeckis and executive producer Steven Spielberg.”

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, we’re just three years away from flying cars, a lightning-fast justice system without lawyers, and re-hydrated pizza.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted to watch a two-hour version of this.

Really?: 1) How does old Biff know how to use the time machine? And gee – what are the odds of him going back to the same date in 1955 as the first movie? 2) They still use faxes in 2015? 3) Why didn’t 2015 suddenly change after old Biff returned from his trip to 1955? 4) So wait...why in the world would Doc Brown recruit Marty (and his girlfriend) to straighten out a problem thirty years in the future if he’s all about not upsetting the space-time continuum, or whatever? Couldn’t he have simply *told* Marty about what could happen, and let him deal with it, decades later? 5) Funny how none of that “chicken” stuff was ever mentioned in the first film...

Rating: Back to the Future Part II always struck me as a fun-but-unnecessary sequel. It’s well-made, and certainly entertaining, but while the first film dealt with people and relationships (all-American 1980s teenager gets to meet and interact with his parents as teens, 30 years earlier) this one is all technobabble and non-stop action – the viewer never gets a chance to breathe, let alone reflect on anything. 7.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096874/

Back to the Future (1985)

Synopsis: Crackly-voiced slacker and lovable crackpot... oh, you know this one, already.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Steven Spielberg presents an irresistible comic fantasy that accelerates beyond the time barrier with wit, imagination and infectious, wide-eyed wonder.”

What Did I Learn?: If Huey Lewis says your band is too darned loud, you’re too darned loud.

You Might Like This Movie If: You never once watched this show.

Really?: 1) I had a hard time believing Marty and Doc would ever hang out with each other. Why, exactly, are these two friends? 2) Michael J. Fox is NOT rock-and-roll. 3) Was it necessary to have four “Great Scot!” mini-crises (the DeLorean won’t start until Marty hits his head on the steering wheel, the electrical cord gets unplugged, the cord is suddenly too short, then it gets unplugged at street-level) right before Marty returns to 1985? It just seems a bit much.  4) So wait – Doc Brown dispenses dating and relationship advice?

Rating: Back to the Future is a well-written, imaginative and thoroughly entertaining 1980s sci-fi comedy classic, even almost 30 years after its release. Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd provide tour-de-force performances, and the film never once drags, although the just-in-the-nick-of-time cliffhanger resolutions get a little tedious by the end. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088763/

Summer Rental (1985)

Please click the link to read my review of the somewhat similar film, The Great Outdoors.

Synopsis: It’s basically 86 minutes of John Candy getting smacked in the nuts before he wins the big regatta.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Comedy sensation John Candy plays the stressed-out air traffic controller whose much-needed family holiday yields one hysterical misadventure after another – from settling into his hovel, to settling down on a ‘party’ beach, to settling the score on a nut at sea. The fun’s in the sun, and so’s the moral: taking it easy is tougher than landing a 747.”

What Did I Learn?: If an insecure woman flashes her fake boobs in your face, and her fed-up husband asks you to give them a feel, just smile and tell her they look perfect.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted to hear John Candy and Rip Torn sing this song.

Really?: 1) So, John Candy leaves the door to his run-down summer rental home open for what...20 minutes, and the place is suddenly infested with freeloaders? 2) What the hell is John Laroquette doing in a bit part in this movie? Was he part of some deleted subplot about Candy’s wife cheating on him? 3) Why would Scully (Rip Torn) agree to throw his freezer and all the food overboard when they constitute his livelihood? And if the extra weight was holding them back, why on Earth would Candy agree to bring his wife and kids along for the big race?

Rating: Summer Rental delivers some solid, if-low-brow laughs (the scene of an injured Candy experiencing a meltdown as he kicks the freeloaders out of his beach home – and then describes an episode of “The Smurfs” to a fat slob – is comedic gold!) but it’s not a good movie. The first hour or so consists of Candy injuring himself in a series of unfortunate incidents, followed by a highly-contrived and completely unbelievable boat race. Let’s just say that the late, great John Candy was the best thing in this turkey and leave it at that. 6/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090098/

The Manchurian Candidate (2004)

Synopsis: Denzel is nuts, Liev Shreiber is smarmy, and Meryl Streep is Hilary Clinton on crack.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “everything is under control.” [Sorry – that’s it. The rest consists of film reviews]

What Did I Learn?: If you want to convince somebody there’s a giant conspiracy involving mind control and computer chips implanted into kidnapped American servicemen, you might want to staple some of those loose-leaf pages, or put them in a three-ring binder, first.

You Might Like This Movie If: you know this is a work of fiction, and that nothing like this could ever happen in real life.

Really?: 1) So wait – Raymond Shaw is a Congressman, and about to become Vice President – and his Mom orders him to act as a hitman, and kill a US Senator in plain view in the middle of a river? I realize the Manchurian Corporation execs give Streep a hard time about this decision in the film, but it still smells like bullshit to me. Wouldn’t she have access to dozens of qualified shooters who could have done the job? 2) Why does Marco act against his programming at the end of the movie? Does Shaw re-program him with different orders? If so, Jonathan Demme should have explained it to the audience. 3) Why would Marco turn away Corporal Melvin when he tells him about the weird dreams he’s having, when Marco has had the same dreams for years? 4) It’s an un-written rule in US politics that a bachelor can’t get elected President, or chosen for the Number Two slot on a Presidential ticket. There’s no way Shaw would get picked. 5) So wait...Marco/Denzel is a US Army Major, and he doesn’t realize that the microchip that falls down the sink is easily retrievable by unscrewing a pipe? Come on...

Rating: The Manchurian Candidate is a pretty good psycho-thriller, but it pales in comparison to the original in a number of respects. While the Frankenheimer version included some very clever political satire about McCarthyism, the remake is practically humourless, and the political scenes (devoid of party identifiers, and chock full of ESPN-style TV graphics) are over-the-top and never sound terribly real. Similarly, when Shaw murders Senator Jordan and Jocelyn in the first film, the realization of what he’s done ruins him – in this version, the act is mostly devoid of meaning because we never see any interaction between Shaw and Jocelyn. While I recommend watching The Manchurian Candidate, I can’t give it a great rating. 6.5/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368008/

The Manchurian Candidate (1962)

Synopsis: Godless, brainwashing commies learn you don’t fuck with Old Blue Eyes.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Ask Major Bennett (Frank Sinatra) and he’ll say that Sergeant Raymond Shaw (Laurence Harvey) is a hero worthy of the Medal of Honor. But despite what he says, Marco suspects otherwise. A bizarre, recurring nightmare gives him the uneasy feeling that Shaw is something less than heroic and far more insidious. Is it possible that Shaw is a traitor? Can Marco convince the Army of his suspicions?”

What Did I Learn?: Hot chicks are easily approachable on long train rides. Oh wait – I learned that from Silver Streak.

You Might Like This Movie If: you know that all of Frank Sinatra’s acting gigs were classy and tasteful.

Really?: 1) Come on...what are the odds that Jocelyn would choose to wear a Queen of Diamonds costume to the party and she’s not in on the conspiracy? 2) I had a great deal of trouble believing a mother – even one who is estranged from her son – would use him as an assassin. And WTF was up with that incestuous kiss?! 2) What was up with that weird conversation between Marco (Sinatra) and Eugenie (Janet Leigh) when they meet on the train – it sounds like she’s throwing codewords at him to reactivate his mental programming? 4) Once Army Intelligence has determined Shaw has been brainwashed, wouldn’t he be under constant surveillance? It’s amazing how Marco essentially leaves him alone for long stretches of time.

Rating: Roger Ebert was right – while The Manchurian Candidate is now 50 years old, it doesn’t feel like a “classic” movie so much as a timeless thriller. The film is well-acted (Sinatra is awesome as Major Marco, but I’ll never watch Murder She Wrote the same way again after Angela Lansbury’s magnificent performance as one evil bitch), well-directed by John Frankenheimer, and suspenseful. Unfortunately, the film drags a little in the middle, the pre-war flashbacks were excessive (and I was about ready to throw something at the TV screen if Harvey/Shaw said “loveable” one more time) and there was a bit too much “my dear Sergei” interaction among the communists. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056218/

Hard Core Logo (1996)

Synopsis: It’s the shittiest tour of Western Canada since John Turner, circa 1984.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Despite personal differences, former band mates of the legendary but now defunct punk band, HARD CORE LOGO, reunite for a benefit concert for their aging punk mentor. The enormous success of this benefit gig prompts a reunion tour. On stage, the HARD CORES are brilliant. However, as the tour unfolds, the band’s old, buried tensions erupt and the boys are faced with the fact that they cannot relive nor alter the past.”

What Did I Learn?: If you’re planning an evening’s entertainment of martinis and an acid trip for a punk band, it’s a good idea to make sure there aren’t any goats nearby.

You Might Like This Movie If: you have a thing for strong, durable logos.

Really?: I had a great deal of trouble believing Billy (or Pipefitter, or John Oxenberger) would continue on this ill-advised, last-gasp tour after they discover the hole in the van floor. I had even more trouble believing they would press on after discovering the club in Winnipeg had shut down.

Rating: Hard Core Logo is essentially a 1990s, Canadian punk rock version of This is Spinal Tap. It’s a smart, often-funny, character-driven tale of aging musicians who should have packed it in years earlier. The only reason I can’t give this film ten stars is that none of the characters is terribly likeable, while “Joe Dick” certainly lives up to his stage name. Still, highly recommended. 9/10 stars.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116488/

Night Moves (1975)

Synopsis: Gene Hackman is a hard-boiled private detective hot on the trail of a missing heiress... but who cares about his casework when we can focus on his personal problems?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Some things come with the territory. Take movie detectives, for example. We expect our world-weary hero to get the girl, solve the mystery, holster his still-warm .38 and, before the smoke clears, tie up all the loose ends and slug down a shot of rye. Private Investigator Harry Moseby wishes life were so simple.”

What Did I Learn?: In 1973 (the year Night Moves was filmed) Melanie Griffith looked amazing topless.

You Might Like This Movie If: You make your best moves at night.

Really?: 1) I love it when movie and TV private eyes continue to investigate their cases long after they have been paid by their clients. Come on – does anyone really do that? 2) Wow...what are the odds of accidentally stumbling upon a dead body that has been buried at sea?

Rating: Night Moves is a cleverly-written, and very well-acted quasi-detective story that puts a lot of emphasis on Hackman’s personal and marital problems (without much resolution, by the way). Hackman is impressive as the self-loathing Moseby, and the movie features early performances from Griffith, and from Schuster at the Movies’ favourite unlikeable guy, James Woods. Unfortunately, Night Moves is marred by a VERY slow pace, and a hit-and-miss movie soundtrack that’s simply awful in places. 8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073453/

It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time (1975)

Synopsis: It’s a John Candy movie starring...um...Anthony Newley and Isaac Hayes.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Sweeney (Anthony Newley) is a desperate artist. He is desperate for money. He’s desperate for fame, and he is desperately in love with his gold-digging ex-wife, Georgie (Stefanie Powers). Sweeney crashes receptions, kidnaps the mayor, impersonates a trashman, and dodges his mother-in-law’s bullets, all to gain Georgie’s affection... and $1,000,000 cash from her current husband!”

What Did I Learn?: In spite of the VHS jacket, John Candy only has a bit part in this movie, he doesn’t appear until perhaps an hour has passed, and doesn’t say much when he’s on-screen.

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe a lot of things seem like good ideas at the time.

Really?: 1) So, the police captain doesn’t recognize the men under his command? 2) Why does Sweeney take such a dislike to Burton even though he has no particular reason to do so?

Rating: It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time is a terrible movie. It’s basically a low-budget, Canadian (the characters drink Labatt 50 out of stubbies!) teen sex/gross-out comedy featuring 40-something actors. The plot is nonsensical, the dialogue is awful, and Yvonne DeCarlo’s subplot seems tacked-on. That said, Newley does have a strange, roguish charm, even if his character is far too obnoxious to be even remotely likable, and some of the scenes of him with Stefanie Powers or Hayes are fun. Watch It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time only if you’re determined to watch every John Candy film in existence, or if you’re desperate for Can-con. I cannot recommend this movie. 4/10 stars.

Would It Work For a BAD MOVIE NIGHT?: Alas, I tried to screen it years ago, and my guests couldn’t watch more than about 30 minutes.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073181/

The real star of this cinematic disaster.

Affliction (1998)

Oops – this is embarrassing. I WAS going to review all three “Crocodile” Dundee films, but the Croc II tape wouldn’t play in my VHS machine. I own Croc III, and I’ll review it as soon as I pick up a copy of the first sequel. (Quite honestly, I’m not a big fan of those movies, and I wasn’t exactly looking forward to reviewing them).

Synopsis: Nick Nolte and James Coburn get drunk and growl at each other.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “When events shatter the quiet of his small town life, divorced father Wade Whitehouse (Nick Nolte) is forced to confront his abusive past and re-examine his life. Determined to fill the emptiness, he must either stand tall against his childhood demons or fall victim to his father’s abusive ways.”

What Did I Learn?: If your brother is hitting the sauce pretty hard and obviously descending into some sort of mental breakdown, it might not be a great idea to feed his paranoia by validating his conspiracy theories about people in town. Just sayin’, Willem Dafoe...

You Might Like This Movie If: You believe Coburn is at his very best when he’s teamed with a growling, potentially violent dude who isn’t all there.

Really?: 1) If I found out my Mom had frozen to death because Dad was constantly plastered and never got around to fixing the furnace, I’m pretty sure that a fist or two would fly,. afterwards. 2) Wow...does New Hampshire get that much snow around Halloween?!?!

Rating: James Coburn won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his portrayal of an old, abusive drunk in Affliction, but Nolte should have taken home the Best Actor statuette. Somehow, the audience continues to sympathize and identify with Wade, even when it becomes obvious he’s losing it. Affliction is a rather slow-moving, but good movie when it finally gets going. 8/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118564/

"Crocodile" Dundee (1986)

Crocodile Dundee Movie #1

Synopsis: He was Australia’s most embarrassing export until Mel Gibson could no longer hold his liquor.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Paul Hogan’s endearing performance made Crocodile Dundee the biggest box office comedy smash of 1986! ‘Crocodile’ Dundee (Hogan) is a free spirited Australian who hunts crocodiles with his bare hands, stares down giant water buffaloes, and drinks mere mortals under the table. But he’s about to face the ultimate torture test – a trip to New York City.”

What Did I Learn?: A smarmy newspaper editor doesn’t stand a chance against a rugged Aussie poacher when it comes to romancing a cute reporter.

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that Paul Hogan basically plays the same character in everything he does, and you’re ok with that.

Really?: 1) I’m sure that any drunk poacher would be fooled by the sight of an upright kangaroo firing a high-powered rifle. 2) I realize New York City was still a rough place in 1986, but were there really criminals behind every corner? Dundee beats up a purse-snatcher, a gang of muggers, a pimp and his buddies (on two occasions!), while Sue knees some subway creep in the groin. 3) I had a bit of trouble believing old crockers would seriously grab a transvestite’s nuts.

Rating: “Crocodile” Dundee is a mildly amusing and surprisingly dated relic from the mid-1980s. Paul Hogan mugs his way through this movie, while none of the other actors provide memorable performances. It’s ok for a Sunday afternoon, but otherwise, meh. 6.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090555/

Silver Streak (1976)

Synopsis: Willy Wonka can’t stay on the damned train.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “in this wild comedy adventure, rail passenger George Caldwell (GENE WILDER) finds that a romantic escapade with a sultry secretary (JILL CLAYBURGH) puts him in the middle of a Hitchcockian murder plot. Leaping on and off the train, in and out of roomettes, bars and dining cars, George teams up with an amiable, small-time crook (RICHARD PRYOR) to defy the murderer’s henchmen, FBI agents and a host of other outrageous characters.”

What Did I Learn?: If you’re travelling cross-country by rail, don’t try to get laid – it isn’t worth the hassle.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted know how to quickly acquire some soul. (Yes, it's that scene...)

Really?: 1) Why would Devereau kick his own wounded henchman off the train? That makes no sense. 2) I had a bit of trouble believing the cops would give George a revolver and a box of shells, or that he and Grover would be the only ones to board the train during the big shoot-out. 3) I’m not sure I would get into a biplane piloted by a woman who wrongly addresses me as “Steve”. 4) So wait – the bad guy kills people because he sucks at authenticating works of art?

Rating: Silver Streak was one of my Mom’s favourite movies, and I’ve always loved it, too. This stylish homage to Hitchcock has it all: suspense, romance, action, comedy, and some very real buddy chemistry between Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor (I’d say this was the only one of their film pairings that was any good). My only complaint would be the final half-hour or so, when the action gets hot-and-heavy, but the “Really?” moments start to pile up. 9/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075223/

Laurel Canyon (2002)

Synopsis: Free-spirit mom and uptight son share DNA... and his girlfriend?!?

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Academy Award winner Frances McDormand (Almost Famous, Fargo) stars in the sexy and witty story of a hard-living, free-thinking, rock-and-roll record producer who finds herself unexpectedly sharing a house with her straight-laced son and his super-conservative bride-to-be.”

What Did I Learn?: Psychiatrists are either angry and repressed young men or sex-crazed vixens.

You Might Like This Movie If: You were a huge fan of the Steve Canyon TV series, and figure this must involve the further adventures of his sister.

Really?: 1) I kept waiting for Alex (Kate Beckinsale) to tell Sam (Christian Bale) he obviously has a chip on his shoulder towards his mother and her friends, but she never does. 2) It’s amazing how everyone is polite and civil to each other – not to mention still living under the same roof – the morning after their giant blow-up.

Rating: Laurel Canyon is a good, but not great film. Frances McDormand is especially impressive as the sexually-liberated Jane, but the script often doesn’t ring true (it’s also strange that none of the other main performers use their own accents) and I had a bit of trouble believing Alex would seriously consider having sex with her fiance’s mom or her sleazy rocker boyfriend. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0298408/

From the Hip (1987)

Synopsis: Judd Nelson inserts another nail into the coffin containing his post-Breakfast Club career. (By the way: for another take on The Breakfast Club, click this link).

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Criminal justice is about to be hit with a revolution. The perpetrator is a recent law school graduate Robin ‘Stormy’ Weathers (Judd Nelson) who jumps in and shoots ‘FROM THE HIP.’

What Did I Learn?: Apparently, judges secretly love it when lawyers grandstand, plant sex toys into the prosecutor’s briefcase, and throw courtroom etiquette and practices out the window.

You Might Like This Movie If: You want to see the film that obviously inspired these guys...and many more just like them.

Really?: 1) Um...nearly every scene in this movie qualifies as a “Really?” moment, from Judd Nelson’s incredibly lavish high-rise apartment, complete with a glassed-off patio for his collection of doves (he’s fresh out of law school at this point!) to getting John Hurt to confess his guilt on the witness stand. 2) See “What Did I Learn?,” 3) What was the point of placing Judd’s adversary from his first trial on the prosecutor’s team when the guy never says anything? 4) OMG – they ripped off a scene from Matlock!! (Or maybe Matlock ripped off a scene from this movie – one or the other).

Rating: From the Hip is not a terribly good courtroom comedy. Judd Nelson is far too obnoxious to be likeable, the courtroom theatrics are completely unbelievable, and while I liked both Ray Walston as the first judge, and John Hurt’s creepy performance as a Claus von Bulow-type murderer, the latter is totally out of place in From the Hip. I cannot recommend this movie. 5/10 stars.

Does it Work For a BAD MOVIE NIGHT: I think so.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093051/

The Caine Mutiny (1954)

Dang – this would have been perfect for my recent tribute to Humphrey Bogart!

Synopsis: Dad from My Three Sons schemes as Bogie, um...plays with his balls.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “This is a classic film of modern-day mutiny aboard a Naval vessel based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Herman Wouk. The nervous and inept behaviour of Captain Queeg (Humphrey Bogart) during manoeuvres aboard the USS Caine – a destroyer/mine sweeper – attracts the attention of the ship’s crew members and its executive officer, Maryk (Van Johnson). When Queeg’s neurotic behaviour reaches a breaking point during a fierce typhoon, Maryk takes command of the ship. Queeg then retaliates by having Maryk court-martialed.”

What Did I Learn?: According to this movie, there has never been a mutiny in the US Navy.

You Might Like This Movie If: You enjoy watching a ship’s Captain go batshit crazy.

Really?: Why in the world did Stanley Kramer include a long scene of Robert Francis and his lady riding horses in Yosemite National Park for a movie about naval warfare? At best, it’s pointless; at worst, it lessens the tension we’re all starting to feel.

Rating: The Caine Mutiny is a great story that isn’t told very well in this movie. Bogart is fantastic as the unglued Captain Queeg, and Fred MacMurray provides a masterful performance as the slippery Lt. Keefer. Unfortunately, it takes ages to actually arrive at the court-martial, and the romantic subplot (as well as the Yosemite scene) is a waste of time. For a tighter re-telling of this tale, check out Robert Altman’s The Caine Mutiny Court Martial (1988), featuring Eric Bogosian and Jeff Daniels. 6.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0046816/

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

Note: I didn’t mean to make this a Bob Hoskins double feature after Last Orders – it just happened that way.

Synopsis: It’s Chinatown! No, wait – it’s Harvey, with the title character performed by Jar Jar Binks.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Once in a generation a film like this comes along.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Bugs Bunny is a real dick when you’re in trouble. 2) It is pretty tough to resist adding the last two knocks to ‘Shave and a Haircut’.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted to watch a more upbeat version of this famous song.

Really?: In the opening cartoon, I had a great deal of trouble believing that any sane mother would leave her infant child in Roger’s care.

Rating: Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a fun, clever, and zany combination of animation and live action. Bob Hoskins and Christopher Lloyd are magnificently over the top, the special effects are impressive, and it’s pretty cool to watch Disney and Warner Brothers characters on-screen simultaneously. My big complaint is Roger himself; imagine spending 104 minutes with a hyperactive village idiot, and you’ll understand why I can’t give this film a better rating – I wanted to strangle that dumb bunny on more than one occasion. 7/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096438/

Last Orders (2001)

Note: I didn’t mean to make this a Michael Caine double feature after California Suite – it just happened that way.

Synopsis: British blokes bethink bygone bonds, besprinkle best buddy’s burnt body.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Covering nearly a half-century in the lives of a group of South London buddies, LAST ORDERS follows four men from their adopted pub to Margate Pier. Along with them are the ashes of Jack, their larger-than-life friend, whose deathbed request sends them on their way.”

What Did I Learn?: You can always count on winning money from a 33-1 horse race when you’re dying and the family business is deeply in debt.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’re ready to savour fine performances from Academy Award winner Michael Caine and Oscar nominee Bob Hoskins.

Really?: 1) So wait – Jack’s son and his three closest friends take a trip to Margate to dispose of his ashes and they decide to make side trips to see the War Memorial and Canterbury Cathedral? Oh, come on.... 2) In spite of the VHS jacket, I’m pretty sure I never saw Helen Mirren in any of the pub scenes.

Rating: Last Orders is a touching, funny and brilliantly-written British drama featuring outstanding work from everyone involved. Highly recommended. 10/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0253200/

California Suite (1978)

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues as four sets of out-of-towners visit the Beverly Hills Hotel. Oh wait – hilarity NEVER ensues in this movie!

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: "The name Neil Simon has become synonymous with funny, often touching comedies - and CALIFORNIA SUITE is no exception. Lending their considerable comic talents is an all-star cast."

What Did I Learn?: 1) The best California clothes are found at Bloomingdale’s in New York City. 2) If your wife is set to arrive at your hotel the next morning, don’t let your hooker drink an entire bottle of tequila.

You Might Like This Movie If: You simply love obviously-scripted Beverly Hills drama. (I really wanted to include a clip of Bill Cosby beating the crap out of Richard Pryor in California Suite, but couldn't find one).

Really?: 1) I had a great deal of touble believing Dr. Gump (Pryor) and Dr. Panama (Cosby) and their wives would agree to vacation together when it’s pretty obvious these guys really don’t like each other. 2) People don’t usually speak to each other in sets of strung-together one-liners. Just sayin’, Neil Simon...

Rating: Comedy and drama mix uneasily in California Suite, although it does provide a few mild laughs and poignant moments, and holy crap, what a cast: Cosby, Pryor, Walter Matthau, Michael Caine, Jane Fonda, Alan Alda, Maggie Smith (she won an Oscar for playing an Oscar-loser in this film), Elaine May, and even a cameo from Dana Plato. Still, the film suffers from two significant problems: 1) the too-clever-by-half “witty” dialogue sounds fake, isn’t funny, and wears thin after the first twenty minutes or so, and 2) I expected the four stories to somehow converge, or intertwine, or something, and they never do. Why couldn’t Neil Simon or Director Herbert Ross have found a way for Matthau and Pryor to shoot the shit for a couple of minutes in the bar? California Suite is a lot like its opening credits of lovely flute jazz and watercolour images: pleasant, yet a bit forgettable. 6.5/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077289/

Save the Tiger (1973)

Synopsis: Shifty clothier has really bad day.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket:  “Jack Lemmon plays Harry Stoner, a man caught in violent collision with his past and present life. He believes there is nothing significant in his life except survival, and that instinct pushes him beyond moral conduct. He’ll juggle the books, supply women for his clients...and even set fire to his own dress manufacturing factory.”  

What Did I Learn?: If you’re thinking of torching an unused factory/warehouse for the insurance money, it’s a really good idea to ensure the building doesn’t already violate every fire code in the book.

You Might Like This Movie If: You’ve always wanted to learn more about the oh-so-glamourous fashion industry.

Really?: I’m not sure how many teenage girls would have asked to “ball” Jack Lemmon in 1974, let alone a character played by Lemmon, but then, what do I know about flower children?

Rating: I don’t have a favourite movie, but Save the Tiger is definitely one of my favourites. Lemmon gives an outstanding performance (maybe the best of his career) as Harry Stoner, a frustrated, financially-troubled, and corrupted clothing manufacturer who is haunted by his memories of WWII, and who only occasionally gets to be himself. Highly recommended – especially the scene of Lemmon and Jack Gilford meeting the arsonist in a sleazy movie theatre. 10/10 stars.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070640/