The Cheyenne Social Club (1970)

Synopsis: America’s favourite old farts run beloved bordello into the ground. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “With a wink, a nod and a bullet and lovely lovely Shirley Jones and Sue Ann Langdon as co-stars, The Cheyenne Social Club welcomes you to a West that’s as affable as its two stars and as spirited as its renowned producer-director: Gene Kelly.” 

What Did I Learn?: There’s no higher measure of success than to be a Republican businessman. 2) A lawyer will only tell you enough to leave you confused. 3) Trouble rides a fast horse. 4) When you spend all day on the plains, with only your horse to talk to, you do a lot of dreaming. 5) It ain’t seemly to bring up politics when you’re borrowing money. 6) When a woman’s talking to you, you can be pretty sure she thinks she’s in control. And when she’s not talking to you, you can be pretty certain you’re in control.  

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Jimmy Stewart own and operate a bordello. 

Really?: 1) I have to admit that I don’t really get the friendship between John (James Stewart) and Harley (Henry Fonda); they’ve worked together for ten years, yet when John receives the initial letter, he doesn’t mention anything to his good buddy? He can’t find a private room for Harley in the bordello, and grudgingly lends him a few dollars? Meanwhile, Harley hears that John is in a fistfight, and doesn’t go to his aid? None of that sounds right. 2) Funny how the Cheyenne Social Club houses six prostitutes, but only Jenny (Jones) is given much of a personality. 3) I’m still shaking my head over this film’s truly lacklustre ending [Spoiler Alert!]… John signs the establishment over to Jenny, and then he and Harley hightail it back to Texas to avoid another gunfight. Aren’t John and Harley getting a little old to still be working as cowboys? Weren’t John and Jenny starting to fall in love? Couldn’t John have sold the club to Jenny, and then opened up a saloon in Cheyenne? 

Rating: The Cheyenne Social Club is an amiable, good-natured Stewart / Fonda buddy picture that isn’t entirely sure if it’s a comedy or a Western, so it tries to be both but doesn’t entirely succeed as either. It’s hard to dislike The Cheyenne Social Club - it’s fun to watch Stewart and Fonda bicker with each other, but the story never really goes anywhere, and I doubt that I’ll remember much of it a few months from now. 6.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065542/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Ramblin Man (1979) and Ramblin Man 2 (1981) / aka "Concrete Cowboys"

“Twice the Tire Screechin’ Action” - I love it! 

Synopsis: Tom Selleck lives in an absent rich guy’s home, drives the dude’s expensive sports car, and presents himself as a private investigator….wait, that sounds awfully familiar. Um…Jerry Reed plays second banana to good-looking guy with a moustache as they evade a crooked sheriff and rescue a damsel in distress…no, that’s the Synopsis for Smokey and the Bandit. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “RAMBLIN MAN starring Hollywood Hunk Tom Selleck and country legend Jerry Reed is a story of mystery and deception that leads these two wild men into an action packed adventure.”

What Did I Learn?: 1) Charm don’t fill your belly. 2) You need more than good looks to make it in the music business. 3) Luxury car dealers are more than happy to lend out their showroom models for the weekend if you promise to purchase five of them on Monday. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're such a Tom Selleck fan, he could even persuade you to take out a reverse mortgage. Wait, what...?!?

Really?: 1) See: “What Did I Learn?”, #1. 2) I’m curious…why would anyone call this film “Ramblin Man” (no apostrophe, by the way), when there are two stars? 3) So, Will Ewbanks (Selleck) discovers Lonnie Grimes has an elaborate video taping surveillance system set up in his bedroom, and it’s never used for anything. 4) Reed was a master at delivering glib Southern slang, but boy-howdy, Selleck sure sounds awkward when he recites lines such as: “I’ll give you this, JD, I reckon you could start out with a toothpick and end up with a lumber yard.” 5) So, wait… Will and JD (Reed) drive their borrowed Corvette through the front window of a police station, and the cops let them go? Oh, and the same cops let them go a second time after a local gangster attempts to steal their car and it explodes on him? Even if Lt. Blocker doesn’t think they’re guilty of anything, wouldn’t he at least hold them for questioning? 

Rating: Ramblin’ Man is a cheesy made-for-TV movie that was one of Tom Selleck’s many unsuccessful pilots before Magnum PI. I’m giving this long-forgotten clunker a barely-passing grade only because I enjoying the bickering interactions between Selleck’s and Reed’s characters. 5.5/10 stars. 

Ramblin Man 2

Synopsis: It’s the further adventures of Will Eubanks and JD Reed, featuring a budget Tom Selleck. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “…this rip-roaring country/action/comedy takes you from Memphis to New Orleans in an adventure of murder and revenge….If you liked Ramblin Man 1 you’ll love Ramblin Man 2!” 

What Did I Learn?: 1) Deep down, every man wants to be a cowboy. 2) The El Dorado is the best con, ever. 

You Might Like This Movie If: You're a ramblin' guy. 

Really?: 1) I realize Jerry Reed probably wanted to promote his country music career, and the producers of the show wanted to capitalize on his popularity within that genre, but isn’t a little self-indulgent to eat up maybe 10 or 15 minutes with full-length songs from Reed? Heck, they even played the same song twice, and showed flashback clips from the earlier half of the episode! 2) I could point out any number of plot holes, convenient coincidences, etc, but I’ll only mention a couple… villain Red Asher (Charles Napier) attempts to have Will kidnapped as an insurance policy in his dealings with JD. Amazingly, JD never thinks to change any details of his elaborate con, which involves Will wearing a phone moustache and playing a wealthy investor in front of Red. That makes no sense. Similarly, I was flabbergasted to learn that the El Dorado con essentially hinges on switching the mark’s money with an identical suitcase filled with counterfeit cash using a fast-turning round table. Really? What if the mark insists on leaning his elbows on the table? What if he didn’t transport the cash in the black suitcase JD noticed in Mississippi? What if Red or one of his goons didn’t fall for the distraction and noticed the rotation of the table? 

Rating: Ramblin Man 2 was the first episode (“El Dorado”) of the short-lived TV series Concrete Cowboys that was made without Tom Selleck and nearly two years after Ramblin Man aired. Reed is still a funny and charming Southern good ole boy, but the story is contrived, poorly-written fluff (see: “Really?”), and there’s no real chemistry between Reed and Selleck’s replacement, Geoffrey Scott - Will Ewbanks becomes an uninteresting cypher, and a very second fiddle to JD. 3/10 stars. I cannot recommend this movie. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Hell yeah! Take a drink any time you find yourself questioning the logic of the plot. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081845/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt

The Losers (2010)

Whoa... this movie was released ten years ago this month.

Synopsis: Calculating crime kingpin “kills” crack commando cadres, commencing clowning, chaos, conflagrations. 

Blurb From imdb.com: “A CIA special forces team are betrayed and left for dead by their superiors, galvanizing them to mount an offensive on the CIA.”

What Did I Learn?: Bolivia is a landlocked country, but it is accessible by amazing cruise ships. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you have a thing for loveable losers. 

Really?: The Losers is an over-the-top action film that’s based on a comic book. I can overlook a lot of obvious contrivances, such as a “green” super-weapon that dematerializes its targets, or the villains landing a private jet on a container-laden dock, but I feel compelled to make the following points: 1) I’m certainly not an elite Special Forces soldier, but I don’t think too many human beings would be able to walk, let alone run or climb shortly after getting shot in both legs. 2) Um, what was the point of that completely gratuitous hotel fight scene between Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) and Aisha that ends up destroying the hotel? To prove that a 100-pound hot chick can hold her own against a grizzled guy who fights for a living? 3) So, wait - Aisha strongly suspects Clay murdered her father, and….she sleeps with him anyway? WTF? 4) It’s sort-of amusing to see Max murder his employees (including a female valet who makes the mistaking of allowing a gust of wind to momentarily prevent her from covering Max’s head with an umbrella), but seriously, who would work for such a psychopath? 

Rating: If you liked The A-Team, you’ll probably enjoy The Losers, as the former was an obvious influence upon the latter. The film has some big credibility issues (see: “Really?”), but it’s fine for an evening’s entertainment if you’re in the mood for explosions and one-liners. 6/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480255/?ref_=rvi_tt

Be Kind Rewind (2008)

Synopsis: Low-income urban community rallies around two of the the worst filmmakers since Ed Wood. 

Blurb From the DVD Jacket: “You name it, we shoot it.” 

What Did I Learn?: The line: “I will piss on the bones of your ancestors” was not in the Lion King movie. 

You Might Like This Movie If: Ghostbusters is one of your favourite films, and you've always wanted to see it reimagined and reenacted.

Really?: 1) Be Kind Rewind is a rather goofy comedy, so maybe I can overlook Jerry (Jack Black) getting electrocuted, and instead of dying a horrible death, he merely becomes conveniently magnetized in the first act. That said, I was a bit dismayed that Jerry’s magnetization could be cured by taking a super-long piss, and that his long-standing fear of the nearby power plant is completely forgotten soon afterwards. 2) I had a bit of a hard time believing the movie studios would read Jerry and Mike (Mos Def) the riot act when it’s pretty clear the two of them created low-budget parodies (parodies are generally protected under copyright law, so they would at least have a valid legal argument in court), and going after them would likely generate a lot of bad publicity. 

Rating: I recently viewed Be Kind Rewind for the first time in ten years, and I have to admit that I remembered very little of it. Overall, it’s a warm and good-natured comedy that delivers several good laughs, even though most of its humour is fairly low-key. Much like “Weird” Al Yankovic’s cult classic UHF, the best parts of Be Kind Rewind are the sketches when Jerry and Mike “swede” other famous movies, yet the main narrative is a bit lacklustre. 8/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0799934/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Father Goose (1964)

Synopsis: French schoolmarm, seven precocious brats, the Empire of Japan and the British Navy all conspire to ruin a harmless drunk’s already meagre existence. 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “Cary Grant stars in one of his funniest roles as a boozy beachcomber sitting out WWII in peace - until the Allies recruit him to be a lookout on the South Pacific isle.”

What Did I Learn?: The English word for parachute is….parachute. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you really want to see Father Goose finally snap. 

Really?: 1) So let’s see….Catherine and her girls shove Walter out of his hut, eat his food and hide his precious booze, and the worst thing he does is grumble? I have a funny feeling a real-life alcoholic going through withdrawal symptoms wouldn’t be so nice and accommodating. 2) It’s bad enough there was a 27-year age difference between Grant and Caron, but the “romance” that develops between Catherine and Walter is so perfunctory that it almost seems slapped-on. 

Rating: Cary Grant plays against type (if you’re expecting the suave and sophisticated proto-James Bond he portrayed in North By Northwest and Charade, you’re in for a surprise), as a filthy, disheveled and not-terribly-gregarious boozehound, and it works. Father Goose is a funny, suspenseful, and oddly charming adventure-comedy, although the inevitable and obligatory love story between Walter and Catherine isn’t handled well. Highly recommended. 9/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058092/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0

Joe (1970)

Synopsis: If you ever wanted to see Raymond’s dad play a violent, whacked-out-of-his-mind version of Archie Bunker and ice a bunch of hippies, this is your movie! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “THE SHARED DISTRUST OF ‘HIPPIE YOUTHS’ LEADS FACTORY WORKER JOE CURRAN (PETER BOYLE) AND ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE BILL COMPTON (DENNIS PATRICK) TO BECOME FRIENDS.” [For reasons unknown, nearly every word on this jacket is spelled out in capital letters]

What Did I Learn?: 1) Apparently, the 1968 George Wallace for President campaign commissioned a survey on the sexual preferences of American liberals. 2) If you’ve just committed a murder, it’s a really bad idea to openly discuss it afterwards. 

You Might Like This Movie If: you enjoy hearing Joe spout off about politics and culture. 

Really?: 1) I had a great deal of trouble believing Bill and Joe would form any sort of friendship, in part because of the yawning gap between each man’s socio-economic status, but mostly because it’s pretty obvious Joe is off his rocker. 2) Speaking of the friendship that forms between Bill and Joe, why in the world would Bill admit to killing his daughter’s drug-dealing boyfriend to a complete stranger (see: “What Did I Learn?”)? And isn’t it convenient how Melissa (Susan Sarandon in a very early role) somehow manages to overhear her Dad admit to the dirty deed? 3) So, Bill and Joe hate hippies and the counter-culture, but nevertheless take part in a drug-fuelled orgy? I didn’t buy that scene at all. 

Rating: Joe is an unpleasant, contrived, and dated low-budget melodrama with a questionable message: hippies are pretty awful people, but anyone who openly opposes the 1960s counterculture is a latently violent crypto-fascist. Joe isn’t my cup of tea, but I will give it a few stars for an exceptional tour-de-force performance from Boyle, who somehow manages to make Joe human and relatable, even when he says some terrible things. I cannot recommend this movie. 4.5/10 stars. 

Would it Work for a Bad Movie Night?: Absolutely! Take a drink any time you find yourself thinking: “Bill, you don’t have to do this…go home, dude.” 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065916/?ref_=fn_al_tt_3

Bad Boys (1983)

Just to be clear: this is NOT the 1995 Bad Boys starring Will Smith and Lawrence Martin. 

Synopsis: Jeff Spicoli goes to jail! 

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “On the mean streets of Chicago, Mick O’Brien (Sean Penn) plays by the rules - the wrong rules.” 

What Did I Learn?: It’s possible for a tough guy to carry the nickname “Tweety.”

You Might Like This Movie If: you've always wanted to see Sean Penn play a violent, antisocial douchebag. 

Really?: 1) So, wait… the prison authorities know that Mick and Paco (Esai Morales) hate, and will likely attempt to kill each other, but they send them to the same youth prison for an indefinite term because there’s no room downstate? Why couldn’t they swap Paco for a prisoner in another facility, even one in neighbouring Wisconsin? 2) Honestly, I’m surprised Horowitz (Eric Gurry) wasn’t murdered after his first week in the slammer. 

Rating: I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised when I sat down to watch Bad Boys last weekend. I expected something akin to an After-School Special, but the film works both as a thriller and as a gritty prison drama. My only real complaint - and it is a big one - is that while Penn is clearly a talented actor, his character Mick O’Brien isn’t a terribly sympathetic or interesting protagonist. Mick never really shows any remorse for his crimes, so I have to wonder what sort of man he would become after his release from juvie. 7.5/10 stars. 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085210/?ref_=hm_rvi_tt