Friday, October 26, 2012

Bordello of Blood (1996)

Halloween Movie #4

Synopsis: Smug B-list comedian wisecracks his way through terrible T&A-loaded horror-“comedy”.

Blurb From the VHS Jacket: “A wickedly funny motion picture complete with all the hackcitement anyone could axe for! Dennis Miller, stunning supermodel Angie Everhart and Erika Eleniak join every bodies’ favourite cutup, the Cryptkeeper, in a hip frightmare of sly humour, sex appeal and go-for-the-juggular special effects.”

What Did I Learn?: The proper response, when challenged to 'step outside' to fight, is: “no thanks, pal – I’m not in the mood for a blowjob.”

You Might Like This Movie If: You know that vampires are nothing but trouble.

Really?: 1) Very few private investigators continue to work after the client has paid them and announced their services are no longer required.(Oh wait – I learned that from The Big Sleep). 2) Wait – I thought Lilith killed J.C. (Chris Sarandon) once Vincent threw away the key that controls her. Why does he show up later, strapped with dynamite? Come to think of it, why doesn’t Lilith kill Vincent once she’s a free vampire? 3) Wait – Rafe (Dennis Miller) is propositioned by ANGIE FUCKING EVERHART, and he isn’t even slightly tempted? What's the point of making the lead villain a hot chick if the protagonist sees right through her?

Rating: Bordello of Blood is just plain awful; it isn’t scary, it isn’t funny (well, aside from a line or two – see “What Did I Learn?”) and nobody in the film seems to take it all that seriously. I’ve never been a Dennis Miller fan, but he’s actually the best thing in this turd, and the funniest scene is of him heckling a game of billiards. I cannot recommend this movie. 3/10 stars.

Would It Work For a Bad Movie Night?: You betcha.

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